I feel...

so defeated right now.
I know I am eventually going to rise above this.
It is just really hard when NOTHING is working in your favor.



If it was not for a four hour ranting session last night with friends, this blog would have been eternally long. I am currently in such a bitter state of mind, but am trying to veer off into a positive direction. The bottom line is: life is kind of giving me the shaft right now.

I will explain.

Firstly, the hunt for a job has been going on for a month and some days now. Just when I thought I saw a glimmer of hope with a job at the Cinemark movie theatre, it was quickly and rudely taken away from me. I had been calling Cinemark for about a month (every other day) expressing my interest for a job (since I had known that they were practically the only place in town that was hiring). The manager told me that my application would go on the top of the pile, making me a priority...and that I would recieve a call. Well cut to yesterday, I'm at Ruth's and decide to make a phone call to Cinemark just on a whim. The guy picks up and says that they are actually conducting interviews then and there and said, "let me see if we can squeeze you in". Two minutes pass and the manager who told me I would be a "priority" gets on the phone and says, "We are done conducting interviews and won't do another round for months". In which point I make a heavy sigh because I am so fucking irritated with this city. He responds, "did we say we would call you". And I told him straight up, "yes, you kinda did". He becomes awkward, probably realizing how big of a liar he is and says, "well we will hold on to your resume". I hang up, and cry on the inside.

Yes, you may not think that a job at Cinemark is worthy of that much hype, it isn't, but when the economy is as bad as it is right now...you cling on to any job opportunity. And let's be honest--they gave me a big and unprofessional shaft. It hurt, I felt like I was almost discriminated against, snubbed...like everyone else was invited to the suprise party but me. And let me tell you something, I'd like to think that I am over qualified to work at Cinemark! I'm the kind of guy that when I get an interview, I get the job because to be perfectly honest...places would be lucky to have me. I have been hired on the spot on countless occasions...yet I can't find a bloody job at the moment. Which is just lovely because I decided to take a semester off so I could stay in Colorado and WORK...WORK...WORK...for money and for tuition and for my plans of going to LA to become a working actor. It is hard to dream up your life plans when something as simple as finding a job is squelched by places like Cinemark.

Operation LA will commence as soon as I find a job...which I literally have been hoping and praying for. I have applied (virtually everywhere) and continue to daily...just now I submitted online to a craiglist ad. But every day, I take the shaft. As soon as I have a job, operation LA will commence. I can't tell you of operation LA because it is a covert operation! And then again there is the whole getting into USC thing...I have tried harder than I ever have with that application, but I still do not know if they will accept me because of my poor SAT and ACT/math scores. I'm a firm believer in landing where you are supposed to be...I just hope that fate is playing on my side for once!


So I'm 20 Now...

Since my thoughts are everywhere right now...the following resembles my current thinking:

1. I love birthdays. 20 feels good right now.
2. I love fondue...especially the cheese fondue.
3. I will be on 30 Rock if it kills me.
4. I can sing...but can't quite master karaoke.
5. Celestial Seasonings is an excellent place...
6. The Mint Room is the equivalent of Heaven.
7. Tea is glorious.
8. Sexual sushi is a level above regular sushi.
9. I don't know whether I want to go back to college or just jump start my career.
10. I want to do both...
11. If it were up to me right now, I would be jetting to LA to start looking for agents/auditions.
12. Number 11 scares me, but I know I have to do it at some point.
13. I have never wanted something so much than I do right now...to be a good, well-known working actor.
14. I want to have a slumber party with Meryl Streep, Laura Linney, Tina Fey and Kate Winslet.
15. I need a job.
16. I wish someone could discover me.
17. I wish Ellen actually replied to my emails.
18. I don't necessarily need a romantic interest...but to be loved would be nice...and not by my family or friends.
19. Why does Zac Efron have a career right now...and I don't?
20. I am going to get fit if it kills me.
21. I know I made the right decision by leaving my school but I miss everyone terribly.

There are more ramblings right now...but these are the ones that immediately come to mind. I don't quite know what it is, but I have got wanderlust badly.


God Willing.

I know it is bad, but I am really impatient right now. I'm working out, but I don't want to wait two months before I see definition. I'm sending myself to everywhere--submissions out the wazoo...but I don't know if they are going anywhere! I just want to be able to get up, go to work and do what I love. But apparently so does everyone and their sister. And then I try to make the same argument that I'm different and unique from everyone, but then someone somehow at the same time in a different location is saying the same thing. It is a constant battle. My only wish is that somehow at some opportune moment, the clouds would part, God would assist me and people would notice me--and know my name. All I know is that I have never been more thirsty for this. I want this badly. And I will do close to everything I can to make it happen
...God willing.

This I Know...

1. Late night conversations in the mountains are memorable.
2. 3D Horror movies are wonderfully delicious...especially when they are free.
3. Beware of Ynomrah's...they are feisty little buggers...fighting for their equality (don't ask).
4. Neil Patrick Harris, Ellen DeGeneres and Portia DiRossi run the gay mafia.
5. I have yet to find a job and write that college essay!

To bed I go. Sleep well and peace.



I am in absolute euphoria. President Obama! A new day has come. It will be hard and it will be trying, but I have faith in this man...to lead us to greatness. And look at that family, could there not be a cuter pair of girls than Sasha and Malia...and Michelle, what a radiant beauty. Not to mention the love that is so present within their family and marriage. This is a new era that we are coming to...and let me tell you, it gives me extreme pleasure to know that I am going to be apart of it!

Also, I love that they got out of their car and walked in the parade...it just shows you how much they are willing to risk for their citizens. It has been a long time coming but we are finally here! It is a stunning day in Colorado today...feels like Spring, and I honestly and wholeheartedly believe that it is because of what happened today in DC...change is a coming and brewing. Congratulations to Obama and his family--44th President of the United States of America!



I am a firm believer in fate. It strings us along in life, and most of the time…without us even realizing it. The painful irony lies in the fact that we have no idea where fate is bringing us. Fate is more of a tour guide, and less of a boss. Fate and I are currently in a duel. I know that it is leading me somewhere, but being the impossibly impatient person that I am, I am almost fed up with this quest. The only thing I do know is what I am want to be doing with myself.

I know for a fact that I want to be in the movies. But as I found out this past weekend…so does everybody else. I attended an open call in Chicago for the new Meryl Streep/Nancy Meyer’s romantic comedy. The audition called for “a boy who could play an awkward, precocious and unique 17-year-old boy”. Music to my ears. I knew that an opportunity this perfect would not come along every day. I knew fate had decided to mix up my life. What made me so sure of my quest to Chicago, was the fact that everything seemed to line up:

I am no longer attending a neurotic theatre conservatory and taking the semester off instead.
I would not have heard of the audition unless my friend Karissa had called.
Then five people simultaneously told me I needed to audition…I would be stupid not to.
I am utterly obsessed with Meryl Streep.
I am a self-proclaimed “awkward and funny” actor looking for such a roll.
My new years resolution is to be in a film by the end of the year.
The friend that told me of the audition not only could provide lodging but lived mere blocks away from the casting agency.
My birthday is next week and my parents agreed to letting me go, as an early birthday present…regardless of the outcome.

It was peculiarly easy the way things lined up. And the audition itself was painless and extraordinarily interesting to observe. First of all, I have never seen such a myriad of boys in my life. Hundreds of boys of all shapes, sizes, ethnicities, and experience showed up to the open-call. The audition itself was actually very soothing. Myself and seven other males sitting in a circle being interviewed, and then, asked to read a side from The Breakfast Club. Simple and nice. I got along swimmingly well with the bubbly and lovely casting agent. When it came time for them to deliberate I started a conversation with the guys in the room—to take off any nerves or tension that was present. However, when the agent entered into the room again all of that resumed.

I sat there hoping, just hoping that she would call my name…at least to be taped...to be seen by the production crew of the movie. However, my name was not called, a long with more than half of the males in the room. But the great thing about this was when the casting agent said that it was not because of the talent or audition at all but that I was not awkward or strange looking enough. Not only had the agent previously called me “a tall drink of water”…however you interpret that, but I was not the McLovin in the room or the painfully strange looking guy in the corner...it was a wonderful thing. She further expressed her enthusiasm for me as an actor as I was leaving.

The audition made me feel wonderful about myself. Not only was I a talented actor (as the agent had noticed) but also I’m too attractive to play such a part. I would never think such a thing of myself. So in a way, there was no loss in this matter. Yes, at first I was disturbed and saddened (which is human nature), but only for a mere second. I had not only proved to myself that I could go to an open call for a major motion picture, but also hold my own and stand rejection…it didn’t really phase me, like it did to others. I was treated amazingly by the casting agent—we laughed and high-fived each other…but in the end I did not solve their problem. It wasn’t because of my acting or ability, but simply because I am not bizarre enough! The other kids in the room were honestly some of the most “interesting” (if you could call it that) guys in the room that I have ever seen…and not the best actors but still brave to show up…and they went on to be filmed. So I did not feel bad. I was proud of my acting and communication with the agent and so was she.

Yes, I am sad all of my fantasies of arriving on set with Meryl Streep, Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin will not come true, but I am hopeful because I am actually an actor now. Heading out to auditions…for film, television and stage. I have surpassed auditions for the school play and gone to Hollywood (sort of)! This experience has made me that much more sure of the fact that I have to go to Los Angeles this Summer and test the waters with casting agencies and auditions. I know, deep down in my bones that this is the industry I will find myself in…it is only a mere matter of fate and time when I will find my home there. But another glorious thing that I realized, is the fact that I am only 19…almost 20…but STILL A BABY! I have my time. I idolize Streep…and she didn’t make her debut into the professional realm of acting until around the age of 25…she went to get an undergrad and then grad degree…and then took the world by storm. I have faith that eventually, I will hopefully forge a similar yet unique trail like Meryl. And instead of playing her strange looking and awkward co-star…perhaps I will play her attractive son or love interest.

The coming months will give me time to work and raise money. But more importantly, it will give me the freedom to grow into myself. God willing, I will have plenty of time to nurture my craft and myself and in turn make my name in Hollywood. I am not The Jonas Brothers, Zac Efron or Miley Cyrus…I am here to stay, and just because I am not making millions at age 19, does not mean that I will not get my opportunity. It is out there…I feel it deep within my spirit and bones. It is only a matter of time before I snatch it with my bare teeth.

The Male.

The male is truly an interesting specimen. I myself am one, but have yet to completely figure out the workings of being a “man”. You wouldn’t think that having a penis between your legs would change a human being that much…but it does somehow. There is a complex that comes with being a male. I began to ponder this subject while waiting for my plane back to Denver in the Chicago Midway airport. My eyes fell upon four middle-aged men, slouching upon stools and shouting while watching the super-bowl. Why is it so enticing to watch countless men adorned in tight pants, helmets and pads throw pigskin to each other? Usually when two men in skin thin suits are on top of each other grunting…we call that “homo-erotic” but guys call that “wrestling”…yet another wonderful, non-homo sport. How come a man’s man is usually tall, dark, handsome and excruciatingly masculine…or Chuck Norris? A real man loves sports, women, work and money. A real man does not indulge in reading, the arts or God forbid—female friends.

The male and female are meant to produce children, not have lifelong friendships. That is so “gay”. Just like recycling or caring about the world is so “gay”. Whenever I found myself strolling along with my best friends Erica or Karissa in the streets of Chicago…people would either think we were siblings or dating. The possibility that we were best friends was not possible. It just does not seem natural for a boy and a girl to be spending so much time together without screwing each other right? Just like it is not safe or proper for a nineteen-year-old girl to stay over at a nineteen year old boy’s house or vice verse…even though they have known each other for forever. Everyone assumes that because a guy has a dick he needs to put it in something…and of course it is going to be his best friend who happens to be a girl…right? NO.

The notion of “guy love” is now a joke. It is now humorous to even imagine male bonding. People either think it is “gay” or “cute”. Everyone loves to watch a bunch of horny girls make out at a sleepover but God forbid that occur at Billy’s birthday party. Two naked girls wrestling in a vat of grease is not lesbian-oc but sexy. Two guys doing the same is considered hard core gay-porn. It doesn’t add up. To my knowledge, girls don’t compare the size of their va-jay-jays, yet that seems to be the in thing to do in the guy’s locker room. Apparently the size of your dick translates to the size of your IQ. I myself am in awe at why the hell penis size matters! Why do people care? Unless it is an inch, it does the job—you can still go to the bathroom and have fun in the bedroom.

Also, what is up with this whole “real guys don’t cry”? Let me tell you something, I myself rarely, rarely cry…unless necessary while I’m acting or I’m going through something difficult in my real everyday life. Yet it is this same suppression of the male’s emotion that leads to such radical problems as depression or suicide. I have never been a fan of anyone crying for that matter, but crying is a completely normal and healthy expression. Whatever dumb ass suggested, “crying was for pussies” can suck it. And whoever created the “ideal” man can suck it too because no one is “ideal” for that matter.

Whether you have a penis or not. The truth is…while guys may possess enough testosterone to pee while standing up, each individual male varies radically from one another. Yes, there are those specimens that have the amazing six-pack abs, and then there is the majority of men that don’t. Men remain to be a mystery even to themselves…they are just as insecure about themselves as women and share many of the same problems. But one thing remains to be true—men, like women, have their own code…some are dumb, some aren’t, some like sports and some don’t…some are jocks, some nerds…and yes, who doesn’t think about sex at least a couple times a day? The point is, whatever reproductive organ you have, you are human and you are not tied down to a category.



I am a machine.
I must take care of myself.
And make sure everything is running well.


Love Belongs to Hallmark.

This world revolves around the notion of love. You can run from it, but you will not succeed. Songs, films, books, plays...it seems it is the only thing we resort to when needing to create something. Love is the be all, end all. Love is a catalyst for everything. Just take a look at every single country song ever made! Love is what makes the world go round, when money is not in the picture. I'm not talking about the ability to love, or the love one should have toward his mother/father/brother/sister or friend...but the love we so often see circulated in our society. The archetypal image of Romeo and Juliet. Boy finds girl, falls in love with girl...and a wonderful ending with weddings and honey moons somehow tied in. The overly melodramatic notion of love that everyone seems to be striving toward. Only occasionally do people find it normal or okay to be single. But to most, it is the end of life. How can you live if you can't live for another person? Sex. How can you be happy without sex? How can you procreate? How can you start a family? How can you be normal? I'm almost twenty and am already beginning to hear the pressures.

"I was twenty when I started dating your father."

I don't care. Sadly. It will be a while until I find my "love" because to be perfectly honest I am not looking or in need of one right now. Don't get me wrong, I would love to be loved and to love someone on such an intimate level. But I am in the process of figuring myself out...and I don't have time to dedicate to someone else on that level...I am not ready. I have screwed up in the past, and I would not want to do that to the next person I find myself with. It just would not be fair. But apparently people think that your life is over when you are not with someone. Our society is so frustrating. And as I watch "Mamma Mia" for the first time I find that it is continuing to fuel this 'status quo' take on love. A nice, young and gorgeous couple...of course they should be married right? I see my friends who are in relationships of all kinds...and while they may be happy or sad or whatever...the same perpetual problems show up. I don't want to deal with that right now. So call me selfish.

Oh and by the way...it has been a week and a half...and still no luck with jobs. Damn you recession! Back to "Mamma Mia" and then nap time. Lastly, everyone should go see "The Reader"...the book was phenomenal and the film is no exception. Powerhouse performances all around, especially for my favorite Kate Winslet. She gives me hope in this industry and for my career. Peace.


Duct Tape.

There is an evil twin that lives inside me.
One day he decided to duct tape my mouth shut.
But only I know this.
Everyone hears me talk, but they don't see the wall.
But secretly, I'm screaming for someone to rip off the duct tape.
I don't care how hard.
I just want to be free.
I'm like a machine. Capable of work, capable of activity, but not capable of full sincerity.
I am a trustworthy person.
Just not to myself.
I have been scorned and abused by this evil twin long enough.
I've surrendered for the time being. There is no point in fighting a lost cause.
It is a putrid thought however...thinking of the high he gets off of my pain.
The worse thing is that everyone is on his side...for the most part.
The duct tape runs wildly.
I'm too frightened to see the consequences...too frightened at the loss I would experience.
I know that there is someone, somewhere out there, rooting for me to break free...but I can't do it.
Not now.
I'm just a boy. Almost twenty...but just a boy.
But then I look at the specimens that tore themselves free of the duct tape...
And they seem to be doing famously.
After all, truth is the key to happiness.

Break the Mold.

After three days of uprooting my room...I finally did the impossible. I now have a newly cleaned and styled room of my own! Cleaning gave me a lot of time to think. And when I begin to think...I think a lot. And I begin to question, and ponder and meander around every subject you could possibly think about.

Lately, I have been confronted with this intense desire to break the mold and go. Just go...far away from this mundane and jobless place. I'm trying to bend the pattern, yet I find myself frantically applying my soul away. To school. For jobs. Everywhere.

I have this feeling, this instinct in the pit of my stomach. This impulse. It is calling me...to go...hundreds of thousands of miles away from Colorado. To a new terrain, a new world. Filled with dreams and potential. I've always been a dreamer. There have been few people who haven't questioned my intentions. And to the people that did, I gave them all the same reply. "I know it will happen." It is that simple. I JUST DO. It is something that I have always known and something that I will hold on to...until it happens. And then I will hopefully be able to say, "I told you so."

The Golden Globes are on tomorrow...I guess tonight. (It is also my brothers birthday, so I doubt that my parents will let me watch them.) But it's events like the Globes that get me motivated even more. To go on my quest. This itch is like...well....like an erection, it is set off by almost everything and is uncontainable. Film. Actor. Movie. LA. These are words which set off the fire...everyday. And then it is all that I can think about. Guys--you know that feeling when you think of something that turns you on and then...woop (bingo)...its there, and no thought of dead puppies or sadness can stop it. Erection. And then if you are in class or something you are constantly thinking of the most brutal and unappealing thoughts...but it does not work instantly. It just lingers.

It would almost be easier if my desire just ended...I went cold turkey from my passion. I would not have to worry about getting an agent or trying to make it "big". But I'm not like that...I am a worrier, and will not rest until I get to this destination--this ultimate goal in my life. I know they say opportunities present themselves in the most unlikely of times, but being impatient...I would please like that opportunity to present itself now.

Let me leave you with this gem of a quote:

"Out of clutter, find simplicity. From discord, find harmony. In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity. " - Albert Einstein


DeJa Vu

Is this really happening again? I find myself strategically planning the perfect college essay. Stressing about my mediocre ACT and SAT scores. If they will accept me, if they hate me, if they love me, if it is the right decision. I am back in High School. It's really hard trying to prove yourself on paper. And yet that is what I am doing..again. I finally found a job during the summer and now I am on the look for another one. And that is another thing, jobs are impossible to find in this town. Impossible. But I am trying my hardest. And then I will (hopefully) get hired somewhere, get into a school (hopefully) and then have to leave my job...and the cycle repeats. This is not the good kind of deja vu. I'm done ranting. Goodnight world. Sleep well.

I absolutely despise...

sore throats...



I know when I am getting my strengths back when I'm sick...and this is when I am able to write more than two sentences. For the past five days I have been sick with "some sort of influenza" or "a myriad of viruses" as my doctor so comfortingly said to me today. I took a strep test and that was negative...so that was good. Although, reading health magazines before my doctor's appointment today did not necessarily help. In fact, the featured article embellished on how you can get HIV or crabs from simply sitting on the toilet. Wonderful. So I go into my appointment thinking I may have contracted HIV, which I pray to the Jesus is not in fact true...but of course I don't want to sound crazy and ask the doctor if this is indeed true. So I remain quiet...and paranoid. And snuffly. Being sick is the worst isn't it? It just paralyzes you like a statue. A sniffly and stuffy statue. A sickie. I HATE BEING SICK. But after five days, I feel (knock on wood) that I am finely....almost...getting better. I think that I will actually be able to get up and out of the house, don't get me wrong it has been lovely sleeping, watching TV and hanging with the family...but I want out. I have so many things to tend to and work on. Getting a job. Finding where I want to apply...saying goodbye to friends that aren't staying in Colorado....which is a lot of people...and finishing my goodbyes to my loved ones who are returning to Chicago, but don't know that I am not. Well at least for now. I plan on breaking the news rather shortly. Not to mention I have to get cracking on all those college apps, the USC theatre supplement is due on Saturday. Oh man...and they say stress causes sickness. I'll be lucky if I go a week without being sick.