It Began at An Early Age...

I randomly found a short essay I must have written in kindergarten. It was written on a cut out of a giant paper pencil: colored orange, yellow and pink. It is my perspective of my friend: the pencil. You can already to begin to see the crazy Braden inside of little Braden. A Braden who does not write to pencils but talks to them. Below is the extract, written word for word how it is written on the actual paper.

"It was the first day of school and I was getting ready for school. After that we went in the car and drove to school. When we got there, I went in my new classroom. I got my first pencil out, and I sharpened it. After I sharpened it, it came to life. It talked to me and when we were done talking it was time to do our spelling test. When we were done, my pencil said, "I'm dizzy". When we were done with the day he said, "see you tomorrow". The next day he was even meaner. He said, "good morning". Then he shot staples at me. That got me mad, so I went to the bathroom and flushed him down the toilet, and that was the end of him. Now I have a new pencil."

I love finding old papers.


Observe and Report...a drama?

I have just returned from a 9:40 showing of "Observe and Report". You know the mall cop movie with Seth Rogen and Anna Farris. I am speechless. Speechless or in a coma. Who would think that this film would seduce me into insanity? "Observe and Report" is a mind fuck. I will begin there. From start to finish I was contemplating what made Farris and Rogen take the movie. Not only was it disturbing...creepy flashers with chode like private parts but there was gratuitous sex and violence...that was so oddly executed throughout the movie that it made even me and my friend Ruth cringe. And I've seen some pretty weird things in my time. And I am not sure if you guys are aware...but the new punch line...alcoholic mothers who don't give a flying fuck about their sons. Yup. Hiiilllarrriooouusss! At one moment in the film (roughly an hour and ten minutes in) I felt like I was drowning in bad comedy...so I got up and danced below the screen...I'm not kidding. I danced. (No one was in the theatre). Thank GOD...it would have been so hard to keep the running commentary in.

Throughout the film I couldn't help but verbally assault the screen back. I felt attacked. Rogen is known for his great smile and warm yet edgy characters...he was just a straight up dick in this flick. Farris is always type cast as the ditsy yet sexy blond...and she killed it...maybe over killed it. Many famous faces drifted through the film...but only one individual actually made the movie okay. An unknown actress who played the part of a cinnamon roll/coffee counter girl. She made it okay for me to sit throughout the movie. Who knew I would ever curse Rogen out?! I love that man. I love the Apatow clan in all of its glory. But no...Rogen...you must have been high when you took this film. I am ashamed to have watched 2 hours of nonsense. Luckily it was free. I could have seen "Obsessed". At least "Obsessed" knew what it was...a movie about Beyonce kicking ass and taking names...and getting her baby back. "Observe and Report" was no comedy...it wasn't even a drama...but it was more dramatic than comedic. Alcoholic mothers who "soil themselves", mall cops who trip on ecstasy and heroine and steal merchandise, vomiting make-up girls thrusting in painfully awkward sex...it goes on and on.

I have learned many things from you "Observe and Report". Hollywood needs better writers and stay away from mall cops. Because they will shoot you...just like in "Fight Club". All I can say is thank GOD I know what kind of actor I want to be...and thank God I actually have an understanding of what a decent script is! At least I begin work tomorrow to take my mind off of this catastrophe.

Get This Ball Rolling...

I guess someone must have heard me screaming in my car last night...cause today was incredible. Last night I was driving home, blasting "World Cafe" on NPR when fear and rage overtook me and just screamed to the top of my lungs, "I AM DONE LIVING LIKE THIS!!!" This was conjured up from my frustrations and conversation with a friend. I was venting about my fears for the future...how no one wants to hire me, how I am stuck...and then today I got a call that took care of this negativity. Lee, my old manager from Ben and Jerry's asked if I could come in to chat for a bit. I had emailed him...practically begging for a job if there was a position open and he could use me as an acception to his "no re-hires" rule. Long story short...this girl filled a position just this week. So my hopes crashed. It is not like my dream is to work at an ice cream store...however right now I need some validation that I am capable of any kind of success...plus I need to start saving for the fall...whether or not I go back to school or decided to move to Los Angeles. Anyhoo...stuff went down at the shop and he called me in today...and just like that I replaced this girl and start work again on Thursday. What is even better...I already have 5 shifts scheduled! I know you probably don't care...if people even read this blog...which I am always surprised at anyway. But the point is...NOW I CAN GET THE BALL ROLLING! No more of this lounging about feeling sorry for myself. Relying on the internet and such to do things for me. Nope...I'm going to get that money...work...and hopefully take a big plunge come fall. Operation L.A. is in commencement. I just could not be happier that I found a job...took long enough. Practically 5 months. WTF!


Common Courtesy.

This is for all of those people who call themselves "managers" or "owners"...anyone who hires employees at a work place. This is for everyone. As those who read my blog know...I have been on the job hunt for the entire semester. In fact, I probably would not have left school yet if I had known finding a job in Northern Colorado would be so hard. I left school so I could make money. Get a full time job...work my ass off so I could help pay for tuition costs if I decided to return to school in the fall...and to fund my future move to Los Angeles. Instead, thanks to the dying economy and my small surroundings, I fell on my ass. And when I finally thought I had struck gold at Hollister, I was quickly made aware of how I could not work there any longer (long story). This being said, I have had the worst luck finding jobs in Fort Collins, Colorado. Tips for anyone who is thinking about moving here: secure your job first. Seriously...you have to know people to get jobs here. So needless to say the process has been one big bitch. And you know what is not helping...at all...communication. People, people, people. I don't care if you work at Dairy Queen or some high class restaurant. When people leave messages you should return them. If someone says, "We will call you the next day" then you should actually call them the next day...instead of never call. And the thing is...this is common courtesy. Yet practically everywhere I have applied to (the city of Fort Collins...) does not respond or reply to applicants. I find this rude. Not only does it take time and effort to fill out an application but its not like an applicant isn't waiting to hear back from you. They are obviously applying to find a job because they are in dire need of one. So it would only be courteous to the applicant to call them within a decent amount of time. I applied and checked in with every place I applied to (more than 60 locations over a four month period) and I maybe heard back from 1 or 2. I'm not kidding.

I would understand this treatment if I was rude, under-qualified and unprofessional. But I'm not. I'm the very opposite. Therefore, I do not appreciate being treated like I don't deserve a response or feedback when I am applying to a freaking ice cream store or movie theatre. But it goes beyond just jobs...it is everyday living. I send an email (casual or professional) and typically either don't receive a response for days or weeks...or sometimes don't even receive a response at all. This is rude. RUDE PEOPLE. Yes I understand people are busy but somehow have the time to respond to someone else...or watch TV or lounge about. I am sorry but I am just as important as the next person. I am done with this mentality. Whenever someone calls me and leaves a message...I call them back as soon as I can (which is usually never more than an hour unless I don't get reception). One day I decided to Facebook Frenchie Davis, a fairly known Broadway actress. I was not expecting to receive a message...but low and behold the next morning I had a fairly long response from the star. And we continued a conversation for some time...and even became friends on Facebook. And the funny thing is that Frenchie is on a national tour of a Broadway show currently...and she has little time to spare but still was willing to open a conversation with me. But I guess she has a similar mind set to myself. I'm not necessarily a people pleaser...but I do want people to know I care about them and extend as much as I can offer. If I am to ever become a well known actor I am going to open dialogue up to anyone who cares to listen or wants me to listen to them. It just seems to be common courtesy.

Anyhoo...I just have been so put off by looking further for a job because I have been treated poorly. Businesses have either hung up on me (for no reason) or promised to call me in for an interview and then never return my e-mails or phone calls. One job interview required an hour commute on a snowy and windy day... to the mountains...and I didn't even get it in the end. I guess I am pissed and almost feel discriminated against because my brother (who I love...but is not motivated and has no previous job experience landed a job at a nice sushi restaurant in a day). One day. I've been looking for four and a half months. Yes luck is a part of it, but I almost feel like there is something more. I don't understand how some of my friends are so lucky that they land into the jobs they do. Some don't even have to apply for them. I feel that this is unfair. Entirely. Once you have been in my position for so long you would be equally upset. In one way this is excellent practice for the acting world...but I am more used to rejection after auditions and such then I am when it comes to simple jobs at an ice cream store or book store. Come on people...it is ice cream, not rocket science. I have ample experience in communication, talking to people (acting and people skills), customer service, food preparation, etc...and to add to it...I am generally a kind soul. So what is wrong with me then? I would really like to know. I am so done being in this rut...this limbo. I want out. NOW.

Bootyful Bugs.

Isabella Rossellini may be one of my new favorite people. For these reasons:


It Begins...

The letters are beginning to trickle in. Not letters from the Pope...letters from colleges. But you probably guessed that. The first and only one I have received so far came from Colorado University-Boulder. Accepted. As a theatre major. Accepted. A word I always like to hear:


Let me say it again just to annoy you: accepted. For a while I was getting nervous since I had not heard from ANY school. I just envisioned my application sitting in some dumpster...my chances of being enrolled at any university being raped before my eyes. But alas, it begins. While CU Boulder was and still is in a way my last choice, simply because I am trying to get out of Colorado...I am ever so slowly beginning to envision the possibility of being enrolled there. A huge part of me screams, "NO! You moved from Chicago to Boulder, Colorado...where there are no connections?!" And that part of me seems to be ruling over the other part of me which is logical and practical. "If I go to CU Boulder I won't graduate with 100+ thousand dollars of debt. And considering my profession...I do not feel safe signing for so many loans that I can't guarantee will be payed on time".

Obviously I am going to wait til I hear from my top choices: USC and Chapman (Vassar for me is already out of the question...especially since I didn't realize it was Ivy League when I applied there). If I don't get into USC or Chapman I will have to consider two options. Go to CU for the remainder of my education or stay there for a semester and then attempt to transfer to a California school...or just move to California come fall and get a job and enroll at a junior college for the time being. Either way, getting into CU Boulder showed me that I still have the ability to be noticed both as an actor but a student. I got the brains and the talent. Praise Jesus. And CU Boulder is not anything to frown about...it is Public Ivy League...in the top 100 Universities. I'm sure if I ended up there I would turn out a fine actor. Because let's face it...it doesn't matter where you go to college...it is what you make of it, especially when it comes to something like acting. I can't even begin to count the amount of actors who have come from unknown public universities. So that is comforting. Besides one of the major reasons I left Roosevelt was because I couldn't afford it any more. I'm not going to scoff at CU Boulder...I will leave the possibility open...besides it would please my parents...and in the end myself financially. Shoot, Jonah Hill (Superbad) even went to CU.

But I guess I can't really make a decision until the other schools make theirs. So until then I will keep an open mind and hope for the best. Besides, I've got other things to occupy myself for the time being. Like finding a summer job. This is the most important step. Without a job...none of my summer trips I was planning can actually happen. Not to mention I need all the money I can get for tuition and to pay back credit cards, etc. I even applied to Hobby Lobby today...and I did not see one male in sight...not one. Blurg...can I not be an adult? Can I revert to my five year old self and shove Play-Dough up my neighbor's nose? Can I go frolic like Frodo on the jungle gym? Can I just put on neighborhood plays and play doctor? I'm done being a grown up.

I'ma Miss You Golden Lady.


A Goodie.

If you don't know him...you should. Dan Savage. Google him. Listen to his Podcasts on iTunes. You have to have an open mind and not be scared of sex talk but this man knows what he is talking about. And oddly enough we have very similiar roots.


Happy Birthday Bill!

Today (Thursday the 23rd) is William Shakespeare's birthday. THE Bard. THE William Shakespeare. The guy who wrote all of those magnificent and not so magnificent plays. As an actor I am obliged to celebrate his birthday. And celebrate I shall. I will begin the day with an early morning run through the prairies. Those runs...more like speed-walks (because of my bad knee) are so therapeutic for me. My mother always asks if she can come along and I don't want to seem rude but exercise is something I do by myself. It is more than exercise though. It is a time for me and the earth...to just be. To think...to ponder my life. To ponder where I am going. I just blast my iPod and pray sometimes. Sometimes even out loud. My runs are now becoming a daily occurrence..usually three plus miles long. It gets me out into the fresh air and is the perfect way to begin the day. Then this evening, if all goes as planned, I will be watching "This American Life" in theaters with my good friend, Ruth. I don't know if you all listen to the show on the radio...but it makes me cry almost every time I listen to it. It is inspirational and motivational...and based in Chicago. So I can only imagine what it will be like on the big screen! I am sure we will be amongst many peace loving people, teachers and sex starved housewives. At least I can only hope so. We could be the only people in the damn theatre. Either way, I am kind of in the mood for some thinking and heartfelt stories. Bring it on!

There are a lot of things I have to take care of for the summer and fall. Waiting for school is annoying but I won't have to worry about deciding until I find out what schools accept me. Jobs however are consuming my nerves. If I don't get a summer job I will not only be broke but I will be a broken man. I will not be able to do what I want to do in the fall if I don't get a job. I am super close to two jobs. However, one place is not calling me back and the other still isn't sure if they are going to hire an additional individual for summer employment. Until I secure a summer job I will be restless. I am tired of my parents looking at me like I am some loser. I am tired of feeling like a loser. I am ready to get this ball rolling. I am so ready. On the other hand I have realized how much I complain about being home (which to an extent is accurately frustrating me). However I have realized what a comfort it is to know that I go to sleep with my brothers and mother and father. I know where they are. If something happens I am here. And for that I am grateful. Well I don't know where this blog drifted to but HAPPY BIRTHDAY BILL! Hope your birthday is bamfalicious and better than Sasha/Malia's combined....and Sasha Fierces'!




Revelation 2.

It seems to me that my logic shifts roughly every two weeks. One week I'm incredibly happy and the next I want to pack up my life and move to Australia. Such is the mind of a 20 year old. Everything seems so uneasy. Bipolar is not a condition...it is a part of life. It's funny though because my eyes were opened the other day. A complete revelation (kind of). By helping a friend in a semi-not really-but kind of close- situation as myself...I was able to not only give her advice, but also get the advice I needed from an unexpected source: myself.

I guess my biggest thing is finding confidence in myself. Realizing that I am a force to be reckoned with...but also a good guy...a good friend...good son, etc. I pride myself in being multi-dimensional and caring. Even with directors, friends, professors, etc telling me how "talented I am" or how much potential I have...or what not, I always seem to be overcome with a sense of doubt. Doubt in my abilities as an actor or even just in my abilities to be a good friend or family member. But then I realize that doubt can be a good thing. When it gets to the point that it clouds my inhibitions and artistic freedom...then it needs to end. But doubt is good because it is a reality check. It tests me. Forces to be stronger. Forces me to be more competitive and in the end a better performer and individual.

I am slowly but surely realizing that happiness is a journey not a destination. I know that what I truly want more than anything is to work successfully in film, television and stage. Shoot...I wouldn't even mind a chance at modeling just for fun. But these things are not going to happen overnight. I have to continue what I am doing. Life life day in and day out...try my damn hardest...put myself out there...train and continue to nourish my craft and then hopefully I will recieve something in return. Time. Time heals. Time makes and breaks things. In this circumstance I have a feeling time will be my best friend. I do need time. Time to develop as an actor. Time to develop physically...grow into the man I know I want to become. Right now I am in between. The mind of a man...the body of a boy.

I think today helped me tremendously with my current state of mind. Not only was it a spectacular summery spring day...but I was out...living. A couple friends and myself went up to the mountains and bathed in the sun as we hiked, ate Triskets and even layed out on giant boulders that were humbly placed in the river. I event tried crossing the river but ended at the bottom of it. Which... resulted in a half baked phone (no 4/20 pun intended). Speaking of 4/20...I think going to the mountains was the best remedy. I don't care if people smoke pot...however, I care when the city of Fort Collins shuts down an entire street because "Cheba Hut" is having a 4/20 party. Luckily, there were limited douches up amongst the trees and rivers. To me hiking is the best excercise. It doesn't even feel like you are doing a cardio work out...but really you are. For me working out always helps when I visualize a clear ending point...a destination. Such is life. Which is most likely why I have had and continue to occassionally have problems discussing my current state or the future. Because there isn't an exact line or direct path to where I want to be. I see the ending (through my eyes)...now getting to that high point will be one mind fuck of a ride. But the overall point is that whenever I experience such a beautiful day as the one I witnessed today I can't help but think of how lucky I am to be living. Granted I have a light sun burn, feel a little dehydrated and literally fell face forward into a raging river...but I feel refreshed somehow...and not fully content...but a step closer than I was yesterday.

No I haven't heard back from any of the universities yet. And I may not even for another month...but you know what I'm not going to let that get into my way. Whatever happens...acceptance or rejection...I am alive. I am 20. How exciting is that? I have the future in front of me...literally. Unless I am in a tragic accident (God willing that will hopefully not happen) I have a life in front of me. And I'm no baby any more. Even my mother acknowledged this the other night. I am growing up and I need to take the reins once again. If I don't get into USC or Chapman...I'm going to move to Los Angeles in the fall and start working at restaurant and start auditioning. Find an agent...and find the connections. All of the good stuff. At least I would be in the hub of the entertainment industry...and at least I would have a larger pond and therefore larger possibility of obtaining a day time job while I find acting work. I am ready to take chances. To make dreams happen. I'm done driving in the back seat. This is MY LIFE. Shoot...I'm even going to continue working out each day so that one day, hopefully, one day I can even be proud of strutting myself on the beaches of California.

P.S. I had the priviledge of watching "Teeth" the other night. Rent it. Watch it with your girlfriend, your boyfriend, your grandpa...your grandma...shoot even your parents. It is beauteous.


So Good.

Ice King.

I am curled up in an exquisitely furry and warm blanket. It is frigid and snowing outside. Again. In April. I made a pact to a friend and myself that I would look at everything in a positive light. Or at least try. Maybe it is the weather that is raining on my parade but I have been in a mighty foul mood lately. A big ice King. I hope things get better. I truly, truly do.


Oh Britney.

Here is Britney's real voice. Poor lady. I feel bad. Although, she does have a lot of choreography involved. Regardless, I would knock this betch out in a sing off any day.



I'm lying on my bed. It is 12:17 am. Will and Grace is playing in the background. And somehow I'm not content. As I watch Will and Grace I am overcome with jealousy. To be on that show would be an honor. What an excellent example of comedy, drama and talent all rolled into one. I've begun to become antsy once again. Thank God summer is almost here. I am planning on going out to Los Angeles to see my friend Karissa and see if I even like the place before I make any drastic moves. I want to get a feel of the industry. I want to get the ball rolling NOW. I am praying on my knees that I either get accepted at Chapman or University of Southern California. That would make things easy. If not, I am terrifyied that I will flee to LA as a struggling actor. But even that very thought just excites me. I hope April and May roll by quickly.

Tea Bagging.

Apparently Republicans are unaware of the term "tea bagging". Rachel Maddow has fun with this.


Poor Weather Man.

His pain. Our pleasure.

Attention Whore and Jesus People.

I love Lily Allen. She has her problems...but looks like a saint comared to Le Lohan. Oh Lohan. I feel so sorry for you. I guess you are acting as your publicist as well because you made a fool of yourself at the Los Angeles Lily Allen concert. Watch all of the video. Lindsay stumbles onto the stage several minutes before the video ends. Lily plays it off cool...but you know she is embarrassed and doesn't know what to do. Way to go Lindsay...thanks for making us Americans seem that more idiotic to those Brits!
In other news...I just had the...ahem...privilege of watching the documentary "Jesus Camp". I'm not even going to dwell that much on this subject or film because I was horrified at everything I watched. I myself am a spiritual person. I go to church. But I would never think of seeing what I saw in this film. Watch this film...it will open your eyes and terrify you at the same time.


Dear Jesus! Help me fall asleep before four a.m. After all, I do want to get up and exercise before I go swimming at 9:30. How come whenever I need to go to bed early...I never can. Maybe it was that sweet tea I had this evening. Maybe it is all of that Easter candy. Regardless, I am frustrated and grumpy. I have searched for tips on insomnia and all of them are completely idiotic and obvious. Yes I know I'm not supposed to chug a Frappucino twenty minutes before I go to sleep. No I can't see a doctor right now. Yes I've tried Sleepy Time tea. Yes I've tried warm milk. Yes I've "centered myself". Blurg. Not to mention the strangest thoughts are popping into my head...making it ten times harder to relax and surrender to my pillow. My career and college. Ugh. Those are the number one thoughts pulsing through my veins as I lay twisting and turning in bed. Waiting for acceptance/rejection letters is tedious on the brain. If I knew where I was going to end up this fall that would make things a lot easier. But I think that fact is just as scary. For one, if I don't end up where I hope I will end up (California or New York) I don't know what I will do. Give up momentarily and just go to CU Boulder? Bite through the pain for three years? I don't think I could do it. And then the future. Acting. IT IS DESTROYING MY BRAIN. Everyday I wake up and I think to myself...why am I here in Colorado? How can I benefit my career? And I know the answer. But I am limited for the time being. It does not help hearing how much Zac Efron is being fawned over or how successful the Hannah Montana movie was. It is sickening. Thanks to Hannah Montana, this is our next generation:

I don't want to wait to make my mark anymore. I want to have a positive effect on this industry. Show some people that I am a force to be reckoned with but a positive and loving individual as well. Show people that you don't have to be a complete skank or tool to make it big.

Damn. My alarm is going off at 7:15...less than four hours from now. Boo. I'm never drinking sweet tea that late again.


Get It Billy Ray Cyrus.

You are a genius Billy Ray Cyrus. When your wife gave birth to Miley Cyrus you were plotting. "This thing will be the biggest star". And sadly, you are right. You are a genius. You exploit your dollar and in return get back millions. "Hannah Montana the Movie" is #1 at the box office. Wow. Who said a one hit wonder from the 80's can't hit the big time?

In other news I just watched "Late Night with Jimmy Fallon" for the first time. It was unbearably painful. Who in this world thought it would be a good idea to give the guy who laughs at his own jokes his very own late night television show?! I just wanted to step in for him. Not only was his crowd forced to laugh, but he even made fun of his incompetence...not one...not two...but a couple dozen times. What happened to Conan? Why must he go to Los Angeles. Bring him back. Now. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS WORLD?! I must make it in this business so I can do some cleaning up...or something. Sucker punch Miley Cyrus.

I Love This Lady.

Ditch the cats...marry me?



Later today my family and I attended an Easter "brunch" at a family friend's house. Several things became apparent at this brunch. But amongst these things, perhaps the most striking, was how much I don't like where I am right now in life. Whatsoever. Yes, I am on a journey. I am on a path. A path that is oh so tedious and winding. However, whenever I have to explain to old faces where am I right now in life...I only get depressed. They ask me, "So how have you been?" And then I lie. "I've been great...really good in fact." And then they ask me..."But what are you doing"? And I respond with something along the lines of, "You know just chilling for the time being, trying to find a job. I'm really close to getting a job for the summer. I have been submitting for films and television and such and have been getting a lot of feedback and response, but I'm not in LA or NYC so nothing has come from my submissions. But I'm working on it". And then they look at me like I'm crazy. Like I'm making this up. My tone of voice is made up...sounds very proficient and like I know what I'm doing. When in reality I know that I'm in a rut. A large rut. I keep on telling myself that this is okay. Everyone takes time out of their lives to figure things out. But the truth is, there was never anything I had to figure out. I know where I need to be. And I know I need to get there.

I always hate going over to events like brunches at other people's houses. People want to fill silence with conversation. And just when you think they actually want to hear about you and your life, your stories, your feelings...they either walk away or change the subject. This "brunch" lasted roughly seven hours. Until I broke away. My family is still there as I write. I like these people, they are nice...but for some reason I was rubbed the wrong way today. I can't exactly describe how or why, but I was. People in Fort Collins are used to seeing the very pro-active Braden. The very self determined and self driven International Baccalaureate graduate. The "Thespian of the Year". And now it just seems like I'm playing childish games and waiting to hear from schools I either won't get into or can't afford. What they don't realize...is that amongst this purgatory I find myself in...I am still all of those things...in fact I could not be more hopeful for my dreams than I am right now. I know things take time. But sometimes, in order to jump start the journey, you have to make a change. Take a chance. I don't think anyone believes me when I tell them I am going to settle down in LA or NYC someday. I think they think I'm dreaming. I'm not. I am 100% sure of where I need to end up. I'm just trying to figure out the best way to get there.

It only makes me sad and frustrated when I see people that I like look at me like I'm just an infant. Incapable of doing anything truly. I don't play sports and I'm not your typical macho man, so there is my one big flaw already. I want to be an actor, yet I just left a theatre conservatory so obviously I am delusional if I think I would ever make it as a professional actor. I'm not your typical Brad Pitt figure, so I'm not meant to be in the pictures. All of these things just make me that much more driven. You have no idea. What the hell is stopping me from doing what I want to do? Nothing nor no one. And the thing is, I don't think they really know that. I will not compromise my big dreams and my goals for anything. Which is why being here is slowly killing me. I know this is time for me to re cooperate and re adjust my personal life. But come fall, if I am still here...things are going to change. In a big way. I want to be proud of where I am and what I am doing once again. I want people to come see me in my shows. To be performing again. To study. To learn. Shoot, if it was up to me a month and a half ago I would be on my way to Los Angeles right now. No school, just work and pursuing my acting. But I know this would not fly. And I do want my parents to be proud of me. But I also want them to take me seriously. Every time I tell them of a casting agent calling or emailing me they shrug and ask when I'm going to find a real job.

I don't know when, I don't know how, but I know something's coming. Maybe not this INSTANT but in the future. There are those actors like Debra Messing. Her parents encouraged her acting but said a collegiate background was necessary. And look what became of her. I just have to tell myself the same can come from me. I am capable. I am talented. And I am so eager to be apart of this business. This craft that I so love.

Another reason I was perhaps rubbed the wrong way this evening was listening to the blatant ignorance and judgment of people. Describing how a person's appearance obviously means they are a certain way. If they are chubby they are funny and pathetic at the same time. How apparently you can tell if someone is gay...which I admit is sometimes obvious, but more often not. I don't know. I guess I am a little disappointed. Conservative or even liberal, people can be harsh and ignorant. I would not want anyone to judge me the way that I see people often judge others. Sadly, it happens a lot. But being a victim of this harsh judgment I have become extremely open minded and saddened whenever I see harsh judgments being passed on others besides myself. In the end ultimately you can think whatever the fuck you want about me, but I will still be me and I will still be the only person on this planet who truly knows how I feel at any given moment. I will be the only one who has known all of my secrets, and what I do behind closed doors and who I want to become. You can pass judgment on my appearance, on my voice, on my topics of discussion or even on my hobbies or passions...but in the end, you don't know shit about what I've been through. So go ahead everybody, pass judgment on your friends. On your neighbors. On people you don't even know. But let me ask you one thing...how would you feel if I critiqued every little thing about you without really knowing you? You may have won the Noble Peace Prize but because you have greasy hair or talk higher than a bass I think your pathetic and "gay".

I guess I'm just disappointed in us. In me. In you. Yes, you are allowed to have your opinion. But why must you share it with others in a harsh matter? Why continue to orchestrate hate? This is a serious problem that really upsets me. Intolerance. You preach til the sun rises...you save people, but then you damn them to hell the next day. It just does not add up. In a world filled with negatives, there is so much positive. The same goes for beauty. This world is so beautiful. So why must we focus on bringing each other down...on the ugly facets of humanity? I dunno. Seven hour brunches usually get me thinking.


Tis the season to be joyous with videos. It is Easter! Enjoy one of the most awkward 4 minute on-air conversations I have ever had the pleasure of watching. Poor, poor lady.


I want this to happen to me next time I am at a train station.

Happi Eesturr!

Hewo evybuddy...the Eesturr bunny has come and bwatt me lots of dem peeps and chocolate goodies. My momma and daddy woke me up urrly to go to church to pwaise the Jesus. I'm in my pj's waiting for bweakfast. And then later I am going over to a famiwie fwiend's house for Eesturr bwunch. I hope your Eesturr's just as yummy as mine.

scary easter bunny Pictures, Images and Photos


Day Dream.

Twas a beautiful spring day--breezy and sunny when I began to day dream. I have been doing this often lately. And I have decided that I am tired of day dreaming. Come fall I am going to go for it. If I am rejected from my top schools, so be it. Nothing is going to stop me from my dream. As a very talented and intelligent woman once said, "Dream Big". Dreams are what guide us through life. Dreams are the blue prints to our future. They tell us what we want to do the rest of our lives. Some dream of becoming teachers. Some dream of seeing the world. And some dream of changing the world. Each of us has the ability to dream and achieve our dream. But in order for such a thing to happen, we must do more than talk about it. The action. I must do something. I am young and I have my entire life in front of me (hopefully). This world is my canvas. I'm going to go crazy. I'm going to try things I have never been exposed to. I am going to travel. I am going to meet new people and hear their stories. I am going to test myself as an actor. I am going to test myself as a singer. And most importantly, I am not going to let ANYONE tell me that I can't do this. I will do this!

Some people have difficulties declaring a major or deciding what to do for the rest of their lives. Professional counselors always say, "Go back to your childhood. What did you love to do?" And when I go back to my childhood I remember performing. Even when I couldn't speak I would scoot on my ass and try to get the attention of my parents. I would watch Oprah with my Mom when I was two and dance. I have always been dramatic. Acting and singing have always been apart of me. Yes I may get shy here and there but when it comes down to it...I know what I want to do. And for this I am extremely thankful. Most people don't have a passion like mine. Hell, most people don't know what they are going to do for the rest of their lives. At least I have a goal to live for. Everyday I will make an effort (small or big) to reach my dreams. This is an adventure. I should be excited. Nothing is permanent. These past few months being back in Colorado has taught me a lot. I have rekindled friendships and have gotten closer to my family even if they don't see it. But I know I can't stay here. I have to change my course. I have to shoot for the stars.


Make This Happen!

I want to have tea time with Amy and Tina. I know we would all have a jovial time and perhaps even develop a film in which we all star opposite each other. Someone make this happen. Pwitty pwease.

P.S. I am feeling kind of icky. It best not be food poisoning from tonight's magnificent crab dinner...heads will roll if this feeling does not go away.

Ah Hell No YouTube.

Dear YouTube Celebrities (Fred, Bo Burnham, Julian Smith, Etc),

I am done with you. Perhaps I am a bit bitter at the fact that someone can gain instant fame from posting a five minute video on a subject that is universally over-rated...ahem...Facebook. Here's the thing. I don't care if you enjoy making movies for your sake. I don't care if you post them online. I don't even care if people like them. But here is where I draw the line. Maybe it is the actor in me that finds it incredibly unfair, but how does one like Fred or Julian Smith receive a multi-million dollar contract with a major company like Disney? For making beautiful films or works of art? No. For making shitty, over-done, over killed, shallow three minute films. Not even films. I don't get it. I semi understand the individuals like Bo Burnham who have used YouTube as an outlet for their music. Bo Burnham has since become quite popular and has even released an album on iTunes. Even more, he has a film in the works with the Appatow clan. Yes, I guess you could say that I am extremely jealous. Maybe just because I do want that...in the long run. However, in the end, I want to be known as a true performer. Someone who got to that magnificent destination without the aid of YouTube or the internet.

I can now thank YouTube for making this industry EVEN HARDER to break into. Don't get me wrong, I love me a good YouTube video. Christian the Lion, The Burt and Ernie rap and countless others...but rarely do I enjoy a video produced by an individual like Fred or Bo Burnham...and now Julian Smith. My fear is that if an agency employs one individual like Fred...how can they not take interest in the countless others who are more entertaining or talented? YouTube is now a competition for who can be the wittiest in four minutes. Who can get the most views or followers. Everything is now a popularity contest. And it is times like this when I wish we could revert to the industry circa 1920-1980. A time when actors, musicians and performers a like became known for their talents...looks were just a plus. Yes, knowing people has always helped, but now it seems that is the only way to break in.

And Julian Smith...who I have just recently been introduced to. Every video you post on YouTube has the visual quality of a film seen in the theaters. Which leads me to think that you have help. People working with you to produce such things. Money...to buy all of the expensive camera equipment. It becomes a little harder for someone to do such things when they don't have the supplies. So yes, I am jealous of you. I'm jealous of you because you are having meetings with people in LA...meeting with agencies. The exact thing that I want to accomplish. Maybe that is it. I need to harness my creative ideas and wit and produce the goddamn wittiest YouTube video the world has ever seen. Or maybe I need to shout pointless phrases through a voice synthesizer like Fred. Or write dirty songs like Bo Burnham. Or dance like Patton Oswalt's freaky child to get an agencies attention.

Yes Julian Smith, Fred, Bo Burnham, anyone of the like, I have an issue with you. Either you help a brother out or you retire. I have an issue because I know that there are hundreds upon hundreds of people who are funnier or more talented than yourselves but they don't happen to have the platform that you have. They don't happen to have the oodles and oodles of equipment that you do to make things possible. But you know what? Even though I am jealous of the success your childish videos have brought, I still know that it will feel a hell of a lot better when I achieve success the hard way. So enough. Enough of you "witty" teenage boys making videos about Facebook and our fucked up generation. I am done with you.




I have been requested to post pictures of my new haircut. TA DA:

Old Hair:

Ain't Nobody's Business!

There ain't nothing I can do, or nothing I can say,
Some folks will criticize me.
So I'm gonna do just what I want to anyway,
And don't care if you all despise me.

If I should take a notion
To jump into the ocean,
It ain't nobody's business if I do.

If I go to church on Sunday
And I shimmy down on Monday,
It ain't nobody's business if I do.

And if my friend ain't got no money
And I say, "All right, take all of mine honey,"
It ain't nobody's business if I do.

If I lend her my last nickel
And it leaves me in a pickle,
It ain't nobody's business if I do.

I would rather my gal would hit me
Than to haul right up and quit me.
It ain't nobody's business if I do.

I know that she won't call no copper
If she gets beat up by her poppa.
It ain't nobody's business if I do, Lord no.
Well, it ain't nobody's business if I do.

-Sung by Billie Holiday


I am in an elderly people kick. And have been viewing clips from 'Young at Heart', the Oscar worthy documentary about an "old people choir with attitude". Below is perhaps one of the most depressing performances of "Fix You" I have ever seen. This man gets to you. He really gets to you. Try NOT crying after this clip. Maybe I'm just super emotional.

Young@Heart sing 'Fix You' by Coldplay

In other news...I have a new haircut! Well, similar to my old one, just shorter...much shorter.



(Current) Things That I Like:

1. Rekindling my love for "Lost".
2. Rekindling my love for "The Hunchback of Notre Dame"...that is one profound Disney film. Listen to "God Help the Outcasts" right now.
3. Late nights with a good friend.
4. Food. Mainly cookies.
5. Getting everything back on track (potentially getting a new job and getting into a new school).
6. Tea.

Things I Don't Like:
1. Judgmental individuals.
2. Closed minds.
3. Ignorance.
4. Hannah Montana.


Random Thoughts on a Snowy Evening.

It is a winter wonderland once again. In April. Oh my. But this time, I feel cozy. I am wearing an old "Theatre Conservatory" t-shirt and moose pj's. I feel comfortable, and at home. I am about to watch "Will and Grace" as I gently surrender to sleep (at least that is the plan). I don't know which fact to believe...that it is snowing in April or the fact that it has been four months since I've been back home. Four months is a long time. That is almost half the time it takes for a baby to be born. The summer is only a month or so away. That feels so good to say. I am determined to make this summer a great one. Not only am I planning a road trip with some friends, but I am (very close) to getting a job at a very cool business in Old Town (which I will not specify so you don't go out and apply there!) This summer the new Harry Potter movie comes out (and that is always a grand occasion with me and my friends because we are huge nerds and make sure to go to the midnight premiere adorned in a wizard's wardrobe). This year's costumes will be no exception...but I can't reveal our wardrobe quite yet...just know it will be spectacular. This summer is mainly important because it is the transitioning period for going back to school. In the fall my life will begin once again. I will start all over (practically) and be thrown into the threshold of another sophomore class. I will have to make new friends, impress new professors and prove to everyone why I deserve to be there. Since I have yet to receive any notification letters yet from any of my schools (since transfers find out later than freshman) I am now playing the waiting game. I did, however, narrow it down to five schools. Currently I am ranking the five schools in the following order.

1. University of Southern California
2. Chapman University
3. Vassar College
4. Florida State University
5. CU-Boulder

While I would love to apply to the entire country, I narrowed it down to these five for various reasons. Predominantly because of location and the theatre program...or because my parents wanted me to apply to at least to one in-state school. Having roughly 2 years of conservatory training under my belt, I want to obtain both a magnificent theatrical education as well as a liberal arts education this time around. If I find that I want the extra training I can always attend grad school like Meryl Streep or Debra Messing. Sadly, I have been having my doubts about USC simply because it is so damn competitive...and the theatre program even more competitive. But you know what...everything happens for a reason. I spent the most time on the USC application and essay, sent all of the supporting materials out on time and added three additional letters of recommendation...so I won't feel entirely bad if I am denied, because I know I tried my hardest. But for now, I can only wait for my fate. However, I know that whatever happens, I will be lead to a specific place for a specific reason. And hey, nothing is permanent. I know I will end up in Los Angeles after school anyway.

Now that that tangent is over I have a confession to make. I miss Chicago so very much. Not only do I miss the city itself, but I miss the people even more. I met some incredibly amazing people there and am proud to call several of them my best friends. I miss the acting work and I miss the noise and traffic. I miss getting tickets to see Oprah and I miss the feeling of knowing that Oprah was within miles of me at any given moment. But of course everyone is lead to new places for different reasons. My path is leading me elsewhere at the moment.

And every time that I doubt my choice of leaving Roosevelt, I remember why I did it. I needed to. For me. In order for me to grow as a person. As a human. Yes it was a career choice, but it was predominantly a life choice. I know that wherever I am lead to I will make the best of it and soar like I soared in Chicago. I will make my mark someday...but the key is some day. Dreams like mine weren't made in a day. It will take time and effort. And luckily, I am willing to put both in.

Oh "Will and Grace"...you save me all the time.

will and grace show Pictures, Images and Photos


Prayers for Bobby.

This Lifetime movie has successfully made me cry. A job well done Sigourney Weaver and company. I rarely cry...and NEVER REALLY cry during films. But it took a low budget Lifetime movie to do the trick. Watch it on the internet if you have an open mind and bulging tear ducts.