Bubble.

I love and hate this world sometimes. But right now, in this split second of time I love the way the world works. Behind everything that is bad or evil there is good. Humans are everywhere...there are so many we have met and there are so many we have yet to meet. We can either choose to remain in a small bubble and not break out of it or we could...for a moment...break our awkward silence and puncture through our fears into the unknown and be greatly rewarded.

Clutter.

It is a pretty scary thing. Coming to terms with yourself. And so when you make nice with yourself and accept yourself for who you are...the barriers shatter and you realize...you become a lot happier. There will always be that one person or that group of people that won't accept you for who you are. But you know what...as they always say...I would rather someone hate me for who I am then someone love me for something I am not. Clutter is never a good thing in someone's life. It can become an obstacle. It can swallow you whole and drive you insane. That is why ever so slowly...every day...you have to work at abstracting the clutter in your life. The negatives. The guilt. The secrets. The lies. What use is worrying about the clutter and trash when you could be enjoying life. I may not be fully accepting of myself yet...and I know it will take time to become comfortable in my own skin, but God as my witness...I will be content about who I am one day...because while I may not realize it yet I know that others see how great of a human being I am.

You Win Some. You Lose Some.

Let me speak frankly for the next several minutes. After viewing Peter Jackson's The Lovely Bones, I am at a loss of complete coherence...so forgive the rambling. The movie wasn't the most amazing but it brought up a lot of deep thoughts on life and what happens after life. The movie inspired me to read the book which I just received as a Christmas present from one of my friends back in Colorado. Anyhoo...I am not blogging about The Lovely Bones...I am talking about life...which kind of has to deal with the film I suppose. Here is the thing: life is unexpected. You win some. You lose some. You may think you have it down...and then you get a wild card thrown at you. This much is true in my profession...even on the collegiate theatre level. You nail an audition...feel really good about it (and see that the director liked it too) but then you don't get a callback. Do you completely freak out? Or do you figure out what went wrong? Neither...because worrying about it on any level won't do you ANY good. It is a funny thing...empathy. Especially in the acting world...and in such a setting as a theatre school. You arrive at the callboard buzzing with nerves and anxiety for the outcome. What is going to happen? I'm going to walk up to that board and scan nervously. I either see my name and do jumping jacks in my head...or literally do jumping jacks. Or there is the alternative...I walk up to the board and scan nervously...and continue to scan...and continue to scan...take a moment to walk away...then return to the board nervously...hoping my eyes misread the first time. My name is not on the board. Deep breath. Don't let anyone know your ego has been bitch slapped just a little. Smile. Nod. Then say how happy you are for the others. Then walk away.

That would be the normal thing to do...that us actors all do too well.

But today when I arrived at the callboard at school I was surprised at how well I handled my fate. You see here is the thing: unlike a majority of the people who auditioned for EVERY SINGLE SHOW available, I only auditioned for two: Into the Woods and Grapes of Wrath. Unlike a majority of these people I have literally been in rehearsals since August between A Dream Play and Urinetown...which I am currently wrapping up here shortly. The point is: I have been working. Loving it...for most of the time and struggling through the stress. But at the end of the day I can say I have been very productive. Being that I found some sort of inspiration to blog this evening at nearly 2am this blog is a little long winded and unscripted to apologize for my frank thoughts. I wouldn't lie to you...whoever you are that finds this blog. This blog is for me mainly. Therapeutic. Mainly I like the sound and feeling of the key board clicking as I type freakishly fast. Anyhoo...tangent...where was I...auditions...right...the usual...the point is my auditions this week came amidst long hours in class and Urinetown rehearsals. And yet I performed two GREAT auditions for both shows. As an actor you always know when your performance was on in an audition and my performance WAS on in my musical audition and later on for the BFA show. It is a rare and amazing moment when a director says to you, "That was a treat. Thank you so much for that...seriously". Trust me...it is my pleasure to find a director calling my work "a treat". But long story short...I did not get called back for Into the Woods and have yet to find out about the BFA show. But here is my thought process...

When I took a double take at that big board filled with names and characters and room numbers and times...and saw that my name was not on the board...as I had grown so accustomed to. I didn't blame myself. I didn't blame the directors. I didn't blame peers or fellow actors. I instead accepted the fact that I was not exactly what the director was looking for and that I could still walk away from that board with my dignity in tact because I know I had an awesome audition. Sure it is kind of a bitch when friends/fellow cast mates of yours DID get called back and they feel all awkward when you congratulate them but they don't know what to say back since they can't be like, "Congrats to you too...". The funny thing is at that point...I am probably over it and the other person is just standing their like a woodland creature in the headlights. What I am trying to say is that I have faced rejection and critique practically all my life...and I have had too many tantrums and pity parties to go through it again. I am a professional. If I ever want to truly work in this industry like I have been I need to continue being positive and hopeful for my future. Of course I'm not going to say I wouldn't have like to have been on that list...I would have loved to be in Into the Woods or at least be called back and try to show them more of what I had to offer...but clearly they were going for a specific look (ahem...height more like it...) but there is still the delicious ambiguity of Grapes of Wrath (I seem to alternate between straights plays and musicals). Who knows...perhaps the director told the "Woods" director that she had a part in mind for me...or perhaps she didn't. I might not be in the show at all...but you know what. I wouldn't mind that. I would love to continue to work as an actor and learn in such an environment while I still can...but if its not in the cards...its not in the cards. You can't force things. Everything...and I mean everything happens for a reason. There are so many exciting things happening outside of USC's theatre community that I want to have a part of. I mean come on, I moved to Hollywood and Los Angeles for a reason. I want to begin looking for agents and working on internships and going out on auditions...being a REAL REAL REAL REAL actor. I am so thankful for the experiences I have had at USC thus far (as far as theatre, etc goes) because it has given me the opportunity to flourish again into the fun loving individual that I am and connect with new casts and families. The glass isn't even half full or empty--its bubbling over with possibility. 2010 is the year of positivity, adventures, growth and new experiences. I could be like a majority of the people who walk up to that board and shatter like a porcelain doll...but I am not going to let ONE college show get in the way of what I want to do. So here's to whatever happens with the shows this semester...cause God knows I will have my hands full no matter what! I'll drink to that!

Recess...Snow.

Twisty turvy. That is the only way I can explain how I feel right now. Twisty...turvy. This grade school description of myself is more complicated then it seems. It is as if I am on the playground during recess...exposed to so much but confused with what to do with it all. This game of hello and goodbye takes a toll on my wee little mind. I tell myself take a break yet I continue to stress myself out. I tell myself I'm making dinner for family and friends and they say you are making it for your friends not us. It is kind of funny how everything gets warped--emotions, intentions, events, words, speech...I don't really know what to think of anything really right now. I have certain things I am excited for and certain things I am not. Being home is a blessing and in the rare moment a curse. Just when I get too comfortable something comes to bite me in the ass. Life. You bitchy mistress. But I am not going to dwell on the negative because I swore to myself that this year: 2010 and the new year would mark a year of positivity and adventures.

I need to realize that sometimes you are just going to feel like the bottom of a toilet. Like you want to give up on your dreams and your goals. But then there will be inspirational days where you want to rejoice and proclaim how happy you are out loud. There will always be hello's and goodbye's...I must realize this above all. I invest so many emotions into whatever I do that sometimes it doesn't feel like I am actually living or feeling them at all. It is like adolescence all over again...I mean technically I still am a child...going on 21 soon...but it is just all so confusing. Do I want to play four square with friends, hop scotch, jungle gym, tag, capture the flag...or do I just want to sit out of any sort of recess game and observe. I don't know. But that is the good/bad thing about life--you don't have to know everything at any given moment. Living in ambiguity is sometimes a good thing. I often say that when you become too comfortable you have to change things up because while being comfortable is often a good thing it can often leave to your demise as well. You make mistakes and you learn from them, if not the first time, hopefully by the 10000th.

I am going back to a school I have only been at for a semester. Even though I still know people there now I have only been there for a semester. And unlike some people who make 10000707968 acquaintances I make a dozen really really close friends and keep up with acquaintances. So being back in a school where only some know me is a little precarious. But it is okay. I am going to keep on doing my thing like I have been and hopefully people will notice me along the way. It is snowing on my last full day in Colorado. I am enjoying it. It comforts me. Off to get my hairs cut.

Can't Go Back Now.

Humans are infinitely more interesting then most species I have ever studied on the Discovery Channel or while watching "Planet Earth". I just watched the documentary "American Teen" tonight and was flushed with waves of differing emotions. The documentary follows five teens in Warsaw, Indiana and their friends/families. It follows them throughout their senior year and the beginnings of their college experiences. There is the indie girl, the popular Homecoming Queen, the Geek, Basketball Player/Jock and the knock out. It was so funny to watch such a documentary because it was like looking through the looking glass of my past. I saw bits of myself in every one of them but mostly was reminded how entertaining and complex the average adolescent is. This was besides a fun night of games and laughter the perfect remedy for my latest state that I was in prior to the evening.

I find myself extremely confused with life in general. I am in a vortex of fear, frustration and happiness. Watching these fairly sad and pathetic individuals (all very different and from different walks of life) experience life and come to terms with their own battles was very refreshing and reminded me that I am not a lone in these life experiences. Everyone goes through the horrors of puberty and yes eventually the horrors of growing up and becoming a man or a woman. I find that I am constantly worrying about what is to come instead of enjoying the present moments life gives me. Whether they are awkward, exhilarating or horrifying they are still moments I need to find myself present in. I was telling someone today that while break isn't over for another week and a half I still can only think about leaving to go back to school and how depressing that is that I am leaving my family and such. And then I realized that life is just a series of entrances and exits. Perhaps I am just incredibly supple and sensitive at this stage in my life. I have changed immensely within the past year and even more so within the past four months in California. Roughly one year ago I made the decision and told my parents I should leave Roosevelt and Chicago and now my life has literally done a 180.

Life is a series of random yet fateful situations. Change. Change. Change. Survival of the fittest. Watching those five adolescents go through the same trials and tribulations and changes into college, I realized that while it is so easy to only think of your own troubles and hardships you need to realize that EVERYONE is experiencing the same thing. No one wants to leave the comfort of their home at the end of the day. I am glad I have learned to be independent and survive on my own in two major cities: Chicago and Los Angeles...but lets face it at the end of the day I want my mommy and daddy and brothers/dogs and cat at my side. While I am very apprehensive of the stress that will consume every single orifice of my body when I return to L.A. I know that it is all progressive and will be worth my while. I just need to remember the following: I am alive, well and learning. I am on a journey. My entire body and back may be threaded with knots from stress but in the end I need to realize it is all about this incredibly ride called life. As silly as that sounds it is so very true. I signed on for a hard life the minute I realized what I wanted in my life and what I wanted to accomplish. And you know what? I would not ask for anything less! It is incredibly easy to give up or relinquish from a battle...I am here to stay and here to fight on for the sake of my dreams, my family and friends and my destiny. As hard as it is to say you have been given one body and you have to work with you have because at the end of the day regardless of if you are in a relationship or lie in a bed at night by yourself....you answer to one person at the end of the day and that is yourself...and God if you are spiritual. So why try to alter and change what you have been given? Live in the complexities and learn from the errors. It is the imperfections and quirks that make someone interesting. After-all we are not made of plastic but living, breathing flesh.

A Letter to Myself.

Everything at some point deteriorates. Metal rusts, people age and soft skin turns into wrinkly sand paper. New laptops get old and crash, new bikes grow rickety and tires pop. Love is made and love is broken. Life is beautiful but also a cruel bitch waiting to give you one in the face. Everyday I see both sides of life: the beautiful things and the ugly things. On one side I am performing daily and through this I experience a severe amount of joy and of course some heartache because performing is indeed a labor of love. Every day I come a little bit closer to being comfortable in my skin and living an open and honest life, but then I become insecure again from the slightest trigger. You wake up some mornings and actually like what you see in the mirror. You wake up some mornings and want to cry from what you see in the mirror. It is life. A constant and ever changing reality. I can't really complain about my life right now--besides the fact that I am ridiculously busy and need Christmas to be here, but is that ever a bad thing? At least I am working hard and am working towards something.

Yes, in comparison to a starving child in Africa I have it pretty damn good. But as a human being you can't help but be drawn to the dark side. Life eventually becomes slightly muted in color and energy and you begin to stumble into a sort of depression. The moments when I am most happy are when I am either performing or with friends and family. This makes sense--given my profession. I don't know if it is the fact that I literally rearranged my life in the course of a year and everything happened so fast, but I feel like I lost a part of me along the way. I feel like I am just the body of Braden going through the motions complacently for the most part. Occasionally I receive a blissful glimpse of genuine amazement or wonder, but then it comes sky rocketing down on me and I lose it. Christmas time is approaching and I always have enjoyed Christmas. Something magical comes from the holiday seasons--even the red cups at Starbucks get me going. But this year I just feel like a robot even in my own home. During Thanksgiving break I felt like a puppet--moving seamlessly yet shallowly. This needs to change. Perhaps this is just a part of growing up. There was a time when Braden didn't give two fucks what someone thought about him. What happened to that? Where is the fearless Braden that existed two mere years ago? I want him back.

Direct from my couch...

I am a sickie today...have been for the past couple of days. While so much time has passed since my last post, I am sorry to say...too weak to write a complete update...it could honestly be a novel. The point is...besides this sickness...I am having a blast in my new SC and Cali life. So much has happened that I still can't believe it has only been two months, it honestly feels like a year at least...it sometimes does not even feel real.

So instead of a long ass blog I am going to leave you with words of inspiration from my good friend Elizabeth Gilbert. I find what she says about authors and artists to be particularly applicable to the life of an actor...

Good Day L.A.

There are moments when I am so thankful for my existence. For where I am. For everyone who is in my life. I feel this as I sit upon my bed...it is almost 3am. I am in Los Angeles, California... in my very own house, in my very own room. I have just completed my first week at USC. I have auditioned for three productions, received multiple callbacks and have also managed to party and meet some magnificent people! Amidst a beautiful California evening I found myself on the corner of West Hollywood street slowly feasting upon delicious frozen yogurt and talking with an excellent friend I am so happy to have met...Tory. My roomies and I made a delicious meal for ourselves and Tory and then we played Scategories. It was a very chill and very solemn evening...but one filled with laughter and contentment. Why do I feel like that is not a word...who cares, its 3am. I should be sleeping...I just can't get over how good the new Ingrid Michaelson album is. I don't want to stop listening.

On a side note...I must say...California knows how to party. I have had my fair share of enjoyment at the parties I have gone to. And its when I find myself talking to one of the twins from Desperate Housewifes (who is very nice and was in the BFA program at USC before he booked the show) at a party that I remember I am in L.A. If I had not been exhausted from last night's party...I would have attended another one tonight. We all think we made a wise choice of staying in.

Cast list is posted Monday...I believe. It is a rather strange play but any exposure to the acting/theatre community is excellent. To be honest I was surprised I got called back considering I am new to the program! This entry could go on for forever but alas I need to go to bed sometime.

The point is...its moments when I am completely content that I feel warm inside. Every little sensation becomes heightened. The warmth of the sun's rays on my forearm. The excitement of meeting someone and actually becoming friends with them. Taking pictures...learning the little nuances of someone new...it is all so tantalizing. And it is the FIRST week. I can only imagine what adventures my time here will bring! I can only go up from here!

Champion.

Champion the right to be yourself.

Dare to be different.

Live your own life and follow your own star.

-Wilferd A. Peterson

Speed.

I sit beside myself. It is 12:29 AM Wednesday morning...the 29th of July. Yes the 29th. Perhaps it is just me but this summer feels like it has been on speed. That or I have been working so much that my life is now a vortex of ice cream and bitchy customers. But that is NOT true. I have actually been so busy between work and seeing friends and family that I have not really been able to relax. In fact I have not slept in my own bed for three days. Yeah thats right. I suppose that is not terribly bad but I love sleeping in my own bed within the comfort of my own home. I didn't even have time to bathe today...yeah it is that sad. I don't think it is going to slow down either.

I feel like I am riding a roller coaster but I am so oblivious of the emotions or what is actually transpiring. I hate feeling like this. Like I am in a black and white photo asking myself...where the hell did the color go? I see my family and friends who I love dearly...and I enjoy their company...but I don't truly feel alive. Maybe if I actually felt the emotions it would be too much. But I don't think that is the case. It was the other day in my dad's car where I had my first big breakdown since God knows when. Tears EVERYWHERE. And for mere moments I felt alive. I want that again. I want to be able to be excited for my future in LA and to actually feel it, instead of complacently nod my head in "happiness". I want to feel the waves.

And I realize as I come back to the internet that exciting things are happening to other people as well as myself. One of my friends (old roomie) is auditioning for Nickelodeon for a show. And people are having exciting opportunities unfolded to them. I must say I am happy but eager for it to be my turn. It always seems like I watch all of this good stuff happen to everyone around me and am just waiting til it strikes me. Hopefully it will. I have faith that it will. I wouldn't be moving for no reason. This is supposed to happen for a reason. Yes I don't expect to land a giant role on a sitcom the moment I land in Los Angeles...but I do expect to experience a fun journey. A roller coaster of sorts. With hard work, drive, talent and my dedication I know I can get there. Eventually!

Keep Breathing.

The storm is coming but i don't mind.
People are dying, i close my blinds.

All that i know is i'm breathing now.

I want to change the world...instead i sleep.
I want to believe in more than you and me.

But all that i know is i'm breathing.
All i can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.

All that i know is i'm breathing.
All i can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.

All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.

Disgusted.

Several things have been upsetting me lately. Not just irritating...but making me sick. Ill. For the past two nights I have had to take a lengthy walk around my neighborhood and listen to music to just distract my mind from the absurd thoughts that I have been pondering.

Frankly I have been horrified lately. Horrified in humanity just in general. You can't change the world, you can only make it better...but sadly there are some facets in our existence that are pointless to even tamper with. One of the biggest problems in the United States of America: this closed mind mentality. We are still interpreting the Bible as truth. We are still committing thousands of hate crimes...purely based on sexual orientation or racism. We say that racism doesn't exist. I beg to differ. Prejudice is ripe in our country and our world. Tolerance is a bad thing apparently. I saw Bruno tonight. I don't know whether it helped or extremely hindered the human rights campaign. While the movie itself was extremely filthy, it did attempt to show the amount of hatred that is fueled over such an absurd topic as human sexuality. Lets face it. Sex is funny in general. It is a beautiful yet absurd concept. Two people coming together to (share their love) but basically get the other off. It is as awkward as it is beautiful...regardless of who you are bonking in the sack.

I might be a hippie sometimes with my "free love", "no labels" policies but to me there is no difference when I witness a man and a woman making out and when I see two women or two men making out. To me it is a symbol of love. LOVE. Love has no labels or boundaries. It is limitless in its power. The closed-minded problems with the American culture occur because of our roots. Christianity has dipped its fingers into too many facets of American culture. There is such a thing as "Separation between church and state". Last I remembered it still existed in 2009. It is so hard to see this separation when almost every human rights campaign is opposed by some sort of religious group. Don't get me wrong...I believe in God, I am Catholic...but I'm a SANE Catholic. My God is not brutal and does not send people to hell with lightning bolts. My God is loving and merciful. My God can move mountains and would never condemn someone for their sexuality, race, creed or personal beliefs.

Sometimes I get so excited for the progression of our culture when I see bills being passed and people opening their minds to new ideals. But then I hear a smug comment or conversation that just kills me. As the credits began to roll at the end of Bruno I heard several, "That was a gay ass movie" or "That movie was for fags" "I feel like a fag" etc, etc. I don't know if it just me but WHENEVER I hear someone assign a word to a group of people I cringe. That is never a good word. I may not be affiliated with any of these groups but I know NO ONE would want to be assigned to such a derogatory word. Fagot is the equivalent of Nigger...it is the de-humanization of a human. The worst possible thing you can do. I'm not a "Fag enabler" as some crazy Christian might call me...I am just a respectful human who demands respect in return. I am going to love everyone because we are beautiful creatures. Some might say that an evil exists (the homos and Harry Potters of the world)...but last I checked the homos and Harry Potters aren't the ones condemning people to hell or curb stomping individuals because they are different.

This is a serious problem. I would never cast such an outrageous word on someone because they are different from me. We are all made of the same tissues...but the beauty comes from our individuality. The chemicals that make us different from another. We should never ever want to take outrageous measures to change who God made us. Today I was on YouTube and it suggested a video for me. It was an old interview on "Sally" (that funny lady with the bob and glasses). They were talking about the "Ex-Gay (bullshit) movement" that still sadly exists today. People were claiming to have turned straight...to have the homosexuality literally exorcised from their bodies. POOF gone. To any sane human, I would hope they would see these individuals as looney tunes...complete idiots. People buy this shit sadly. Literally...spend hundreds of thousands of dollars for "homosexuality therapy". It is terribly sad. Even at work today there were too affectionate lesbians in line. One of my co-workers said "gross...disgusting" after they departed. Secretly it made me cringe. Are people not confident enough in their own sexuality that they aren't able to deal with two women holding hands? I just don't get it. How the hell does it affect you? In my day I have seen multiple heterosexual couples literally having sex in mid-day light...I HAD AN ISSUE THEN...but I won't find two women holding hands as disgusting...ever.

The whole argument about homosexuality and equality in general is just ABSURD. I am no different from Obama and Obama is no different then Ellen DeGeneres. Obama might love a black woman and Ellen might love a white woman...but they all possess the single most important quality that every sane human possesses...the ability to L-O-V-E. This is an issue that will never be confronted by the entire world because you don't have to deal with it unless you or someone you know is gay, of a different race or culture. Only then are you able to step away from your set ways and take a look in the mirror...do you lose ties with this individual you love or lose your ego and say, "Hey...I love you...regardless of who you might love or what color you might be or who you worship". This world is all about survival of the fitness...evolution...the ability to adapt. And those stuck in Biblical teachings and times will just rust in this ever progressing world. Eventually...not for a very long time...this will be a dead issue. Sadly I don't believe I will be alive when that day comes...where we all put aside our ego's...our own insecurities and just rejoice in our beautiful existence. I am such a dreamer.

I Am DIFFERENT.

You may stare at me as I pass you by on the street.
You may gawk and heckle at my very lengthy and awkward limbs.
You may say certain things to bring me down.
Call me names...give me labels...tell me my dreams are worthless.
You might even try to put me in a box...
...say that I am only certain things and can only accomplish certain things...
but you are wrong.
I will break this box that you are so eager to place me in.
Because listen bitches...I am different.
I was placed on this earth to BE different.
To bring something DIFFERENT to the table.
I may not drive a BMW like everyone in LA.
I may not look like Brad Pitt.
I may not be proportionate...I may have immensely long limbs.
BUT THAT MAKES ME UNIQUE...
DIFFERENT from you and Jo Schmo next door or down the street.
Yes everyone wants to become a "celebrity" or make it big...but I am different.
I'm willing to work to get to where I need to be.
I am willing to test myself and show the world who I am.
I am willing to surpass your false judgments and pathetic conduct.
I don't judge you.
So don't judge me.
Because we are all different.

Live Your Life.

The rain and thunder storms are creating a wonderful symphony. Beyonce is echoing in the background. Work felt like forever today. I find myself in a bizarre mood. It seems like the very earth I walk on is one giant juxtaposition of itself. With everything. One moment I find myself completely content with my life and then the next I hear some horrible bit of news and it sends me spiraling into the infamous land of overthinking.

For some reason death finds itself in numbers. Usually I don't find myself contemplating the statistics of those who pass away...but there just seemed to be too many in June. BIG ones. I hear of friends of friends who died in a car crash instantly or are in a medically induced coma or have just been diagnosed with cancer...perhaps for a second time. I am put in my place whenever I hear of such things. I become grounded. Just to even think of something happening to God forbid my family or friends is enough to make me cry. Even thinking about my life and what is in store...I can only hope that God has a nice long life ahead of me.

I bring up this "Debbie-Downer" blog because within the past day I have been hearing horrendous news left and right. One of my roommates mother's passed away this week. Yesterday when we celebrated the 4th at my friends house in Boulder we "met" (briefly) one of her roommates. She went to go to a friends house. She never returned. Less than an hour ago my friend Emily called and said that the same girl who I barely met had hydro-planed and flipped her car...sending her into a violent crash. She is now in a medically induced coma. We were the last people she saw. Life is a mischievous poltergeist at times. It plays with our emotions and our cores. I did not know any of these individuals truly...yet I am still confronted with an explosion of pain for their families and the ones they loved. How can someone's life be viciously taken away from them in a matter of minutes...at the age of 20. When they have the entire world in front of them. The possibilities go from endless to none in a matter of minutes. I don't understand. And I never will.

I could never be a doctor. In a hospital 24/7. I hate hospitals. Once again a juxtaposition of life and death. A constant reminder of the circle of life. There is beauty in birth but I can't find any in the ending of a life. When travesties happen they remind me of my family and friends and my life. How precious it is. Truly. How like glass, at any unexpected moment it could shatter into a million little pieces. But I hate exploring brutal thoughts like that. I once had a dream several years ago that my dad died...I remember vividly waking up and gushing tears. It upset me to my core. I am not ready for that to happen yet...I will never truly be ever...but Lord oh Lord not now.

Everything becomes so shallow and insignificant when pain hits home. Petty situations with friends or family becomes obsolete. You soon discover that inanimate objects that iPhones or iPod don't mean shit. Life does not come with a price tag. It's like Beyonce...you just can't compete with the fragility of it...life. I was put on this earth to make something of myself. I was put on this earth to be a loving son, brother, friend and maybe in the future...lover and father. My career and my passion for acting are so unbelievably strong, but I need to understand that life should be lived and not forgotten. I will make the best of these years and cherish every memory, every individual and every opportunity that comes my way. I am not going to dilly-dally anymore. I am going to grab the bull by the horns and ride this ride like no tomorrow. I am not going to live my life like it is some secret. I am not going to be ashamed of who I am and I am definitely not going to dwell in the past. Life is the present. The rain as it falls to the ground. Not the clouds that come before. Live your life. Experience the beauty around you. We are wonderous creatures.

Somone Pinch Me.

I need to wake up from this coma I am in. This void of reality. Is this really happening? Am I really flying to Los Angeles, California tomorrow...to go to the University of Southern California's Orientation session? Am I really living in a beautiful house in downtown Los Angeles with three fellow actors? Am I actually pursuing my dreams? Am I actually moving to Los Angeles, California to become the actor and individual I want to become? Is this all real? Even though I am occassionally reminded from my butterflies and nerves that it is clearly real, it still doesn't seem like it. It couldn't be happening to me could it? Either way it IS happening. And even though that comes with a bundle of conflicting emotions...I'm actually living it. Wow. Excuse me while I shit myself.

Well I am off to finish packing and go to bed...I have a flight to catch to Los Angeles tomorrow. Goodnight world. Wish me luck this week. :)

OFFICIALLY Summer.

So it took a little bit longer for summer to spring upon Northern Colorado, but I think (knock on wood) it has sprung! How do I know this...between the hot weather, the bright sun and fun sleep-overs in tents, it is hard not to think it is summer! It is even warm enough to go skinny dipping (which I plan on doing very soon...sshhh, don't tell the authorities). Things are moving, that is for sure. It is already June 19th and just a moment ago I was flipping my calendar from May to June. Time does move fast when you are occupied or having fun. And sometimes, it goes by far too fast! But ever since I have begun focusing on the present, I have been very content and happy. I have come to terms with the fact that all of the exciting opportunities (as far as film, television, stage and acting work goes) will not be presented to me until the fall...but I have all of this time beforehand to enjoy my summer and friends and work. I cannot think about tomorrow or the next week or next month because they will come to me eventually...and I would have been worrying too much about the future that I missed out on all of the joy and beauty of the present. We do more in one day than we think we do...we call it being bored...but we are really actively participating in life...regardless of how "exciting" the activities in our lives are.

I must admit, I was a bit freaked out about housing for the fall...but now I am so happy. Housing is not guaranteed for transfers at USC (yeah I know) and so I wanted to try to find a back up in case I was not granted university housing. There were several options that were presented to me, but by a stroke of fate I found my future housemates and house. YES AN ACTUAL HOUSE...in LOS ANGELES! One of the housemates messaged me on Facebook and had seen that I was looking for potential housing...and said he had to go back to Norway because of something with his green card and offered me a spot in his house! I took him up on his offer right away. And it is supposedly really nice and cheap for a house in Los Angeles...AND I will have my own room in case I need to break away from reality and take a nap in privacy. I would be paying almost double the price to share a room with two others in USC housing...I am so unbelievably stoked. My housemates seem incredibly cool and are also all theatre majors. It will definitely help me make an easier transition into the social world. I am a very outgoing individual, don't get me wrong, but when I am moving to a new location and am put in front of hundreds...thousands of strangers...I go into wallflower mode...and don't act the way I truly do all the rest of the time...it is just bad. This way I can befriend my housemates and have an easier transition into meeting fellow theatre majors, etc instead of being paralyzed in nerves and anxiety.

I have already met an abundant amount of theatre majors and USC students in general on Facebook...they have all been so gracious in offering me help, advice and invites to parties when I come to LA. Which will be sooner than I thought it would be initially. Technically the lease starts August 1st, but I am going to try to find some grace period of a week or so to wait to move out there. I am excited, but at the same time I do not want to cut my summer short by any means. But right now that is too far ahead in the future to think about. Orientation is less than two weeks away...oh my goodness. Right now I am going to take a little nap before work and just chill. Because it is the summer...and I can nap whenever I want (kind of).

Revelations.

A weekend up in the mountains can do wonders for the head. Windex for the worries...completely cleansing the body of stress. Euphoria. Every time I go up to the mountains or immerse myself in nature I am completely astonished at how easy going I become. Going up to the cabin has its effect on me...that is certain. It also has the ability to bring upon revelations--emotionally and mentally. While lounging on a rather large rock on "Lake Davis", also known as "Lake Sunshine", I had many mini epiphanies. All of them seem like common sense...but for just a moment I actually felt content with my findings.

1. I worry too much. I am the happiest when I am completely unaware of my flaws or imperfections, or embrace them.

2. There is a fine line between obsessing/worrying too much and wanting to stay on top of things/be motivated.

3. I need to find the excitement in the fear. The pleasure in the failure. I often am worried about things which should be exciting and not horrifying or bad for my mental/physical health.

4. These should be the best years of my life. I need to stop over-analyzing everything and have fun. Throw the inhibitions to the wind and take advantage of my youth. Find something that scares me everyday and act on it...whether it is on a large or small scale. Work towards being fearless...

There were many other points that I came across in my time up in the mountains this weekend. But above all the one that really is a life changing one and sounds so simple is:

5. Live in the present, the now. DO NOT think about tomorrow, or the next week...because you may not be alive for the next week...but you are alive now and that is beautiful.

Drive.

I'm in my room. It is almost midnight. The fan is swiftly blowing and Tracy Champan's "Fast Car" is playing in the background. I love that song. I love music in general. For the past two days I have been belting out "Hair" and songs from "Next to Normal". I usually sing when I am inspired, excited, jumpy or bored. I'm seeing "Rent" with a great friend of mine tomorrow night, I am very excited! "Rent" was a major influence on me and my love for musical theatre. I remember renting the cast album from the library when I was 13. SO weird to think that was seven years ago...really? So much has changed since then...but then again, a lot hasn't. I am still me. Still the Braden who loves singing show tunes and re-enacting scenes from movies. I am and have always been an actor and performer. I look back at baby albums and can see the lust for performing even at the innocent age of 2. There is a sparkle in my eye...a little bit of jazz hands. My parents remind me that they used to watch "Star Search" with me when I was a baby and I was enthralled. They tell me I danced to Oprah's theme song whenever the show came on. I have always been eccentric and a bit crazy. Not crazy, just lively. Which is why this semester was very hard for me because I began to see the liveliness die a little bit. The passion was still there, but was extinguished by certain things. Now I am better...I am working towards something. TRAINING...I am TRAINING again...with my art! I am so unbelievably excited to start again (anxious) but SO excited. As the lovely Alice Ripley said at her Tony's acceptance speech (something along the lines of), "In College I trained and worked to get a BFA...a Bachelor's of Fine Arts. This is an art...it takes time and training".

I am excited to get back to making something. Collaborating. Making a performance. Challenging myself. Pushing the boundaries in acting and singing and in life. I wrote in my journal a couple weeks ago...I want to work towards becoming fearless. Of course it is IMPOSSIBLE to be completely fearless but to be fearless once or twice in a day or perform an act you would not normally do. Acting is the best when you are fearless, no hold ups. It is the same in life. Relationships and friendships last longer when you aren't judging everything or being insecure all of the time. It is good to be fearless. It is something I am working on. Ever so surely I become a little more confident in my abilities and potential...every day. Yes it helps to hear people say positive things about your talent and future, but that is not what you should rely on. Thank God I am driven. Actors (douchey sometimes) like Matthew Morrison say that his advice to future actors is to stop doing it because it is too hard...that is because he is scared of someone showing him up. Yes a lot of actors will crumble under the pressure. But thank God I love doing this so much. To stop doing it would be like to stop living and breathing. Yes, I'm sure a lot of young performers say the same exact thing...but sometimes they are not actually merited with talent. No one is exactly positive of their capabilities, but all I know is that there are a lot of people supporting my choice because of what they see in me. I have a lot to share with the world.

Just Fine.

So...this is going to be a quickie. No...not that kind of quickie...this is a relatively CLEAN blog. But anyhoo babies...life is fine. Just fine. Yes...still fine...not bad in any means...but not AS good as it could be...but that doesn't mean that its not good or great. I think summer brings a lot of great emotions honestly. The weather (with the exception of today's cloudy day) just oozes warmth and happiness. Nothing like lying down on a field of grass or hammock as the sun dozes off behind Old Town Square. Staying up late with friends...sharing stories and laughter...sleep overs. All of it. Work...everything...it is simply grand. And yes, I didn't have to deal with a semester of college this past semester...but I dealt with life, which can sometimes be harder. Sometimes the hardest thing is free time...pondering things can sometimes be a dangerous thing. The tool to one's demise even. The key is stopping...taking a deep breath and opening your eyes. No matter where you are there is beauty everywhere. Whether it was in front of Lake Michigan at twilight on a run or in the middle of Old Town Fort Collins laughing with ice cream in hand...beauty is to be seen...everywhere.

We live in a thriving world. Even though it does not seem like it sometimes...this world is home to life. LIFE...always growing, always changing and always challenging LIFE. Anyone who is bored has not resorted to all of their options. Do something scandalous...go skinny dipping...run through city park screaming something obscene. In this world we do seem to rely on the company of our friends or family or others in general...but the thing is...we answer to ourselves at the end of the day. We are the masters of our destiny (I am aware I have used this phrase many times before...but its so true). If we don't like something we have the ability to change course. If we realized we made a mistake we have the ability to go back...and in sometimes we aren't able to right then and there...but eventually our paths lead us back. Just because I don't see my Chicago friends every day doesn't mean that I don't love them any less (and hopefully vice versa). Friendships are friendships and any decent friend will maintain the bond. In retrospect...I am aware of how grumpy and annoying I was whenever I spoke with my friends...especially the one's I cared for. I'm embarrassed of my behavior but that was the past...this is the present and presently I am an individual who has grown immensely from his mistakes and mishaps. We would not grow any other way...would we? Yes I am not able to go back to Roosevelt...but I'm not barred from visiting the school or the city...or my friends. Yes I am still in the dark with my California schools...but whatever happens will happen for a reason.

Realizing this is the hardest part. That life moves on. That decisions are made...sometimes we can't do anything about them...but we have to move on. We can't stay paralyzed on a square...this is not a board game. You can't be weak or you will crumble. There are so many people in this planet...so many things to do...just because a friend doesn't respond via text or Facebook DOES NOT mean they don't care. I was thoroughly relieved when I recently spoke with my friend Karissa. People can be ridiculous when they obsess about things. I am such a person. I always obsessed about the things that weren't in my control. I always expected every single one of my friends to pay heed to my wants and needs. To be there for me. They were...they just weren't able to talk on the phone or couldn't text me right then and there. While there was a slight change in the way I spoke with Karissa...simply because of time...we were still the same people when it came down to it. The people that are important to you will stick with you throughout your entire life and I thoroughly believe this of many of my Chicago friends. School is school...but it is four years. 2.5 years from now I am sure we will all meet up and perhaps even live in the same city. AND SCHOOL WILL NOT SEGREGATE US! Besides, I am surrounded with great friends here in Colorado as well. And hopefully, come fall, I will be met with new faces and new potential friends.

Life is so unpredictable...but it is this very fact that makes it so orgasmic. Life is never constant...and when it is...that is when it gets boring. And like I said...I try not to do boring. So to answer the question of how I am...yes...I am just fine.

Guess this entry was not as quick as I thought it would be...I have yet to journal today so all of my thoughts were just oozing out of my pores I suppose. Goodnight world...see you in the morning.

Goodnight Moon.

I had a very long day. I worked from 10-5 then had dinner with my friend Tegan and then explored with Kaitlin. The exhaustion finally caught up with me. I was promoted as a shift manager or leader at Ben and Jerry's so I was training today. At dinner Tegan asked me amidst a very sunny, warm and beautiful Colorado day, "How are you?" And for the first time in long time I responded, "You know what...I'm just fine". JUST FINE. Never thought I would hear those words coming out of my mouth any time soon. Granted, it is too soon to judge what is going to happen come fall or if I will even get into my California schools...but one thing is sure...things are rolling. I'm making money and I am doing something with my time. I am being productive. It feels good. I just received my second pay check from Hollister (four months later)..a grand total of $26.90 (for roughly 20 hours of work)...what schmucks. I make much more than that in half a shift at Ben and Jerry's...AND have fun while working...imagine that! Hollister is pathetic. Which is why i quit when I did.

I have begun journal-ing again, which is probably why I haven't had anything to write about on this blog...but I like blogging...my friend Kaitlin reminded me that I hadn't blogged in a while...so I figured I would write an entry. Speaking of Kaitlin...we adventured to Boulder tonight. To my surprise and unlike the city of Fort Collins, there are still some businesses that are open at 10:30 pm on a Monday night. In fact, one of them was a very cool Bookshop connected to a very sweet smelling coffee shop. At this coffee shop we indulged in some sensual poetry and dream interpretations. Then walked about Pearl Street watching cracked out homeless men sing about their "calcium deficiencies"...we walked in the other direction. I determined that people don't really care about staring down other people...everyone is in their own little world in Boulder. I like that. Very much.

Kaitlin and I talked about everything as we sat amongst the starry and warm summer like night in Boulder, Colorado. We talked about the future, our plans and our wants. I'm trying not to panic about the fall. I'm trying to maintain my composure...but I am not quite sure I am doing a good enough job. I think everyone knows that I will shit my pants if I don't get into USC or Chapman. I don't necessarily expect to get into USC...but hopefully Chapman at the least. It is not like I am not an intellectual performer. Just cause I got 2 D's in high school does NOT mean I am not adequate enough to attend their "elite school". I'm an actor for God's sakes. I am willing to give your institution money...large amounts of it (with loans)...and I have so much to give...why would you not want me? Oh look at me now...sounding all desperate...well let's face it. I am. I don't envision myself roaming the campus of Colorado University anytime soon. I really don't. All things happen for a reason, and I just pray and pray and pray and pray that I belong in California...cause then I have to wait another semester until I find a school I truly like and am accepted into. So here's to hoping for the best. If you read my blog and know who I am...or don't know who I am...maybe you are one of those creepies who ready my blog but never post comments...what have you...please send out your good vibes in my direction...I would appreciate it.

In other news, I was thinking of going back to Roosevelt and CCPA...but like everything is supposed to happen for a reason...it is not going to work out, and I think this is a good thing. I truly do. While it does bother me to see pictures of my friends posted all over Facebook having fun without me and what have you...life goes on. They will be at that school for two more years and then they will be out in the real world. Not going to the same school as them anymore does not mean that I don't get the opportunity to be their friend still. That is far from the truth. I was worried of late that my absence effected the way my good friends saw me or thought of me. And I am sure it has slightly...but I have faith that we will stay in touch. I know we will. I was so happy to finally hear from one of my good friends that was too busy to talk for so long...I had no idea how many exciting things were happening to her...but it was just good to talk and catch up in a brief half hour before both of us had to return to our jobs or errands. I miss her and all of my friends from the conservatory so very much...but I am on a mission and on an adventure. People are rooting for me and want to see me succeed and be happy...both as an actor and an individual. I can't make my decisions because of my friends...I need to be strong...people and professors respect me for this journey I am embarking on.

Lastly...Colorado is warming up...we had a heat wave today...and it is supposed to get hotter tomorrow...personally I am kind of feeling some skinny dipping at some remote lake tomorrow. It is so freeing...skinny dipping...private lakes too I suppose. Well I'm going to go journal now and fall asleep to some sweet music I just downloaded. Goodnight moon. Goodnight world.