Can't Go Back Now.

Humans are infinitely more interesting then most species I have ever studied on the Discovery Channel or while watching "Planet Earth". I just watched the documentary "American Teen" tonight and was flushed with waves of differing emotions. The documentary follows five teens in Warsaw, Indiana and their friends/families. It follows them throughout their senior year and the beginnings of their college experiences. There is the indie girl, the popular Homecoming Queen, the Geek, Basketball Player/Jock and the knock out. It was so funny to watch such a documentary because it was like looking through the looking glass of my past. I saw bits of myself in every one of them but mostly was reminded how entertaining and complex the average adolescent is. This was besides a fun night of games and laughter the perfect remedy for my latest state that I was in prior to the evening.

I find myself extremely confused with life in general. I am in a vortex of fear, frustration and happiness. Watching these fairly sad and pathetic individuals (all very different and from different walks of life) experience life and come to terms with their own battles was very refreshing and reminded me that I am not a lone in these life experiences. Everyone goes through the horrors of puberty and yes eventually the horrors of growing up and becoming a man or a woman. I find that I am constantly worrying about what is to come instead of enjoying the present moments life gives me. Whether they are awkward, exhilarating or horrifying they are still moments I need to find myself present in. I was telling someone today that while break isn't over for another week and a half I still can only think about leaving to go back to school and how depressing that is that I am leaving my family and such. And then I realized that life is just a series of entrances and exits. Perhaps I am just incredibly supple and sensitive at this stage in my life. I have changed immensely within the past year and even more so within the past four months in California. Roughly one year ago I made the decision and told my parents I should leave Roosevelt and Chicago and now my life has literally done a 180.

Life is a series of random yet fateful situations. Change. Change. Change. Survival of the fittest. Watching those five adolescents go through the same trials and tribulations and changes into college, I realized that while it is so easy to only think of your own troubles and hardships you need to realize that EVERYONE is experiencing the same thing. No one wants to leave the comfort of their home at the end of the day. I am glad I have learned to be independent and survive on my own in two major cities: Chicago and Los Angeles...but lets face it at the end of the day I want my mommy and daddy and brothers/dogs and cat at my side. While I am very apprehensive of the stress that will consume every single orifice of my body when I return to L.A. I know that it is all progressive and will be worth my while. I just need to remember the following: I am alive, well and learning. I am on a journey. My entire body and back may be threaded with knots from stress but in the end I need to realize it is all about this incredibly ride called life. As silly as that sounds it is so very true. I signed on for a hard life the minute I realized what I wanted in my life and what I wanted to accomplish. And you know what? I would not ask for anything less! It is incredibly easy to give up or relinquish from a battle...I am here to stay and here to fight on for the sake of my dreams, my family and friends and my destiny. As hard as it is to say you have been given one body and you have to work with you have because at the end of the day regardless of if you are in a relationship or lie in a bed at night by yourself....you answer to one person at the end of the day and that is yourself...and God if you are spiritual. So why try to alter and change what you have been given? Live in the complexities and learn from the errors. It is the imperfections and quirks that make someone interesting. After-all we are not made of plastic but living, breathing flesh.

Peter Pan.

I'm like a bittersweet cookie at the moment. Hot one minute then cold the next. I'm proud of the things I have accomplished and anxious for the future. I try to find myself at home in my skin but seize to find a place. It is as if the line has been drawn. I'm home but I am not home. I'm smiling but not inside. I get that glimpse of freedom, that glimpse of happiness at the oddest moments. The sun shining just the perfect way. Basking in the perfect weather. The slightest touch of a snow flake on my skin. When you go out and play in the snow then come back inside and cuddle in warm pj's--the little things get me. But alas, I feel like a cartoon at times. As if I am walking along the street and a giant dark cloud is hovering over me. I don't want to have a pity party but I feel like if growing up means losing all emotion and excitement then I mine as well stay a child all of my life. I will be Peter Pan. The end.

A Letter to Myself.

Everything at some point deteriorates. Metal rusts, people age and soft skin turns into wrinkly sand paper. New laptops get old and crash, new bikes grow rickety and tires pop. Love is made and love is broken. Life is beautiful but also a cruel bitch waiting to give you one in the face. Everyday I see both sides of life: the beautiful things and the ugly things. On one side I am performing daily and through this I experience a severe amount of joy and of course some heartache because performing is indeed a labor of love. Every day I come a little bit closer to being comfortable in my skin and living an open and honest life, but then I become insecure again from the slightest trigger. You wake up some mornings and actually like what you see in the mirror. You wake up some mornings and want to cry from what you see in the mirror. It is life. A constant and ever changing reality. I can't really complain about my life right now--besides the fact that I am ridiculously busy and need Christmas to be here, but is that ever a bad thing? At least I am working hard and am working towards something.

Yes, in comparison to a starving child in Africa I have it pretty damn good. But as a human being you can't help but be drawn to the dark side. Life eventually becomes slightly muted in color and energy and you begin to stumble into a sort of depression. The moments when I am most happy are when I am either performing or with friends and family. This makes sense--given my profession. I don't know if it is the fact that I literally rearranged my life in the course of a year and everything happened so fast, but I feel like I lost a part of me along the way. I feel like I am just the body of Braden going through the motions complacently for the most part. Occasionally I receive a blissful glimpse of genuine amazement or wonder, but then it comes sky rocketing down on me and I lose it. Christmas time is approaching and I always have enjoyed Christmas. Something magical comes from the holiday seasons--even the red cups at Starbucks get me going. But this year I just feel like a robot even in my own home. During Thanksgiving break I felt like a puppet--moving seamlessly yet shallowly. This needs to change. Perhaps this is just a part of growing up. There was a time when Braden didn't give two fucks what someone thought about him. What happened to that? Where is the fearless Braden that existed two mere years ago? I want him back.

Montezuma's Revenge.

My life is funny. I find myself in a washing machine--not stuck, but tossing and turning aimlessly. I am not disappointed in myself. I have come VERY far...but I have a long way to go. I'm a dreamer yes, but I am also a do-er. I have dreams but I want to ACCOMPLISH them. I have accomplished several of these dreams and goals of mine within the last several months already. I am living in Los Angeles. I am a theatre major at THE USC. I have already been in a show within my first semester here and hope to be in many more! I am beginning to submit myself for agents and what have you. I would say that is a long way from being out of school and working at a Ben and Jerry's in Fort Collins, Colorado. Don't get me wrong...I miss home, quite a bit (especially my family and friends and the snow since it is snow-less here in California). But I am making new friends and LOVING not always being cold, although I like to have my doses of the seasons...snow included.

I am proud of how assertive I have been. Transferring schools...especially transferring to a big school like USC is NOT easy, however, because of jumping right in I have already met amazing friends and companions. I have learned many lessons and continue to test myself and my abilities as a performer. "A Dream Play" was one of the most agitating experiences because it was so complicated and I was constantly judging myself and questioning what more could be brought to my performance. In the end "A Dream Play" was a success and although it was not my best performance in my life, it was AN EXPERIENCE. Life is an experience. Taking in events and images and adapting. Changing. Evolving. I would not be where I am today socially or in any vain if it wasn't for my impulse to soar. I am such a dreamer and there are so many things I want to accomplish in this life. But I am also a realist and know that there is a mountain to climb in order to obtain every single goal and dream of mine.

I was sick since last Tuesday and missing classes and lying hopelessly on a couch did not make me happy. It still does not make me happy. Sure having some leisure time is absolutely wonderful, but I am someone who can't be stationary for too long--I freak out. I have to be moving, working towards a goal. Yes the big dreams of mine are kinda murky simply because there is so much to do in order to get to that point. But I can't look at the whole picture now...I have to take it one step at a time. One baby step at a time. An inch at a time. Then a foot then a mile and so on. Life is a process...it is a journey. Not a destination (yes I ripped off someone's famous quote wuah wuah). But yes. It sounds so simple yet it is a daunting task to accomplish. It doesn't help that I feel constantly overwhelmed. I honestly have been going, going, going since I moved here...and I continue to be busy. But busy is better then boring in my opinion.

I went to "Knott's Scary Farm" on the eve of Halloween with a couple friends. It was such a refreshing and invigorating experience. Between the milieu of haunted mazes (they always picked me to follow...I suppose I stand out) and amazing roller coasters it truly was a fun but exhausting evening. One of my favorite rides we rode that night was called "Montezuma's Revenge". The roller coaster takes off incredibly fast (like rip your face off fast) and then going through a colorful ring of light then upside down and then the same thing backwards...it is truly a rush. The entire time leading up to the actual ride itself was painful and nerve-wrecking. I sat there watching each batch of people fly away to their doom and them return shortly after. But once I was strapped in there was no going back. And you want to know something--it was one of the best experiences I have ever had. Something so small but significant. You can try to close your eyes and ignore the experience that is surrounding you, or you can open your eyes and go on a fantastic and awesome ride. I am going to try to take advantage of everything that comes my way and seek out opportunities that don't. As long as I am living I will be happy...even if I have my set backs every so often...but that is apart of life in itself.

Balance.

You win some, you lose some.

Just keep swimming.

Direct from my couch...

I am a sickie today...have been for the past couple of days. While so much time has passed since my last post, I am sorry to say...too weak to write a complete update...it could honestly be a novel. The point is...besides this sickness...I am having a blast in my new SC and Cali life. So much has happened that I still can't believe it has only been two months, it honestly feels like a year at least...it sometimes does not even feel real.

So instead of a long ass blog I am going to leave you with words of inspiration from my good friend Elizabeth Gilbert. I find what she says about authors and artists to be particularly applicable to the life of an actor...

Good Day L.A.

There are moments when I am so thankful for my existence. For where I am. For everyone who is in my life. I feel this as I sit upon my bed...it is almost 3am. I am in Los Angeles, California... in my very own house, in my very own room. I have just completed my first week at USC. I have auditioned for three productions, received multiple callbacks and have also managed to party and meet some magnificent people! Amidst a beautiful California evening I found myself on the corner of West Hollywood street slowly feasting upon delicious frozen yogurt and talking with an excellent friend I am so happy to have met...Tory. My roomies and I made a delicious meal for ourselves and Tory and then we played Scategories. It was a very chill and very solemn evening...but one filled with laughter and contentment. Why do I feel like that is not a word...who cares, its 3am. I should be sleeping...I just can't get over how good the new Ingrid Michaelson album is. I don't want to stop listening.

On a side note...I must say...California knows how to party. I have had my fair share of enjoyment at the parties I have gone to. And its when I find myself talking to one of the twins from Desperate Housewifes (who is very nice and was in the BFA program at USC before he booked the show) at a party that I remember I am in L.A. If I had not been exhausted from last night's party...I would have attended another one tonight. We all think we made a wise choice of staying in.

Cast list is posted Monday...I believe. It is a rather strange play but any exposure to the acting/theatre community is excellent. To be honest I was surprised I got called back considering I am new to the program! This entry could go on for forever but alas I need to go to bed sometime.

The point is...its moments when I am completely content that I feel warm inside. Every little sensation becomes heightened. The warmth of the sun's rays on my forearm. The excitement of meeting someone and actually becoming friends with them. Taking pictures...learning the little nuances of someone new...it is all so tantalizing. And it is the FIRST week. I can only imagine what adventures my time here will bring! I can only go up from here!

UH-MAZING.

White girl can sing. Find me this girl. I need her to sing the soundtrack to my life.

Cat Massage.

I'm in Los Angeles...have been for a week but update to come...for now feast your eyes upon this.

Ultimate Showdown.

L.A.

I found this amusing...considering I am moving out to Los Angeles in days.

Oh Gaga.

Wow.

I leave for Los Angeles in (roughly) a week. Dear Lord. I have yet to pack. The roller coaster is finally beginning to board its one passenger. It is going to be a wild ride. I have already deposited the money for the first month of rent so I officially have a house in Los Angeles starting Saturday...I just won't be there til a week after. Wow. And now I am beginning to regret spending more time with my family. But hey, no regrets. I have to move forward. I hung out with my little little brother this morning and saw the new Harry Potter again...it was glorious. I enjoy his company. It is comforting knowing my entire family is under one roof...I have to get used to not having that...yet again.

As of now I have no idea how I am getting out to Los Angeles...either way I will have to do it without my parents. Blurg. But at the same time I feel that it will be an emotional yet therapeutic journey to go through by myself. Hopefully I will be driving out to L.A. with a dear friend of mine. It is a two day trip basically...and I feel like it will be a great transition into independence once again. Wow...just typing about it, is making me so excited. I am MOVING TO LOS ANGELES...HOLLYWOOD. I am really doing this. For months I have been complaining, worrying and bitching about the future. How can I now when such an exciting adventure is about to happen? Not being in LA has hindered many potential opportunities that I could of had in the past...but now I am actually going to be there! I can show up to auditions and show them what I got.

Yes...I might not be auditioning for some Nickelodeon pilot or have all of the connections...but this is all new to me. I have time. Patience. Patience. Patience. What matters is that I will be there amongst all of those people. Eventually I will find an agent and book jobs outside of school. And meanwhile...I will be training in my craft. What could be better for an actor? All I can say is wow. Yes I haven't booked anything yet...but I have a right to be incredibly excited. The future is exciting. Here I was in Colorado for six months...and I felt helpless...now I feel strong. Like I am taking the reigns and making my dreams concrete...maliable...and REAL. Wow. :)

Champion.

Champion the right to be yourself.

Dare to be different.

Live your own life and follow your own star.

-Wilferd A. Peterson

Speed.

I sit beside myself. It is 12:29 AM Wednesday morning...the 29th of July. Yes the 29th. Perhaps it is just me but this summer feels like it has been on speed. That or I have been working so much that my life is now a vortex of ice cream and bitchy customers. But that is NOT true. I have actually been so busy between work and seeing friends and family that I have not really been able to relax. In fact I have not slept in my own bed for three days. Yeah thats right. I suppose that is not terribly bad but I love sleeping in my own bed within the comfort of my own home. I didn't even have time to bathe today...yeah it is that sad. I don't think it is going to slow down either.

I feel like I am riding a roller coaster but I am so oblivious of the emotions or what is actually transpiring. I hate feeling like this. Like I am in a black and white photo asking myself...where the hell did the color go? I see my family and friends who I love dearly...and I enjoy their company...but I don't truly feel alive. Maybe if I actually felt the emotions it would be too much. But I don't think that is the case. It was the other day in my dad's car where I had my first big breakdown since God knows when. Tears EVERYWHERE. And for mere moments I felt alive. I want that again. I want to be able to be excited for my future in LA and to actually feel it, instead of complacently nod my head in "happiness". I want to feel the waves.

And I realize as I come back to the internet that exciting things are happening to other people as well as myself. One of my friends (old roomie) is auditioning for Nickelodeon for a show. And people are having exciting opportunities unfolded to them. I must say I am happy but eager for it to be my turn. It always seems like I watch all of this good stuff happen to everyone around me and am just waiting til it strikes me. Hopefully it will. I have faith that it will. I wouldn't be moving for no reason. This is supposed to happen for a reason. Yes I don't expect to land a giant role on a sitcom the moment I land in Los Angeles...but I do expect to experience a fun journey. A roller coaster of sorts. With hard work, drive, talent and my dedication I know I can get there. Eventually!

Make This Happen.

These people get me! When I get married it is going to be something like this:

Alice and Wonderland!

The trailer has leaked...enjoy bitches. :)


Alice - Awesome video clips here

Babies.

For those of you who have not seen Bruno...this is a clip from the film. Bruno (Baron Cohen) holds a casting call for a baby photo shoot. The situation is real...which makes it even more disgusting. This is the industry I am getting into. Dear Lord. These parents deserve to be hauled away.

VH1 TV Shows | Music Videos | Celebrity Photos | News & Gossip

Keep Breathing.

The storm is coming but i don't mind.
People are dying, i close my blinds.

All that i know is i'm breathing now.

I want to change the world...instead i sleep.
I want to believe in more than you and me.

But all that i know is i'm breathing.
All i can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.

All that i know is i'm breathing.
All i can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.

All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.

Topsy-Turvy.

My mind is a jumble of discarded memories. Fragments of the past and estimated guesses at the future. What I know is what I feel. And I feel jittery. That pre-first kiss jitter. Your hands are shaking, your mind is running wild and you can't help but throw up a little in your mouth. You know you will probably enjoy it...but there is that slight chance that they might miss your mouth or you might bump into their chin...you might screw up. But you got there for a reason. You are sitting with that person because of a certain chain of events that have lead up to that very point.

Often I wonder how the hell I got to this point. Where I am right now. Two years ago I was in a similar situation. A bright and fresh high school graduate excited but nervous as hell to journey to Chicago to become an actor...to train in a Theatre Conservatory. Yet I pulled through. I made bunches of friends, learned so many valuable lessons and became a better actor and person because of it. Then cut to Christmas evening mid-sophomore year, where a huge decision was made. It was then that I told my parents that perhaps going back to Roosevelt wasn't the best idea. I try to pin-point the origins of my negative feelings towards CCPA and I can't really decide when it began. I was never UNHAPPY there. I had AMAZING friends and was testing my abilities as an actor, performer and individual. Some of my favorite memories came from my year and a half in Chicago. I saw Oprah, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. I saw all of the Olympians AND Oprah for a second time. I laughed, I cried and I grew up. So why is it that I STILL feel guilty about leaving everyone and my past behind.

I am reading "The Power of Now" and Eckhart Tolle continues to state that looking in the past will not help you find happiness. It will only hurt you. I think we learn from our past but like Mr. Tolle says, I also think that it is important to live in the present...for the present is what matters. Tomorrow is not guaranteed...and no point in wallowing in past mistakes or errors. But as I continue to live day to day I can't help but notice things seem to be muted. Sounds are not the same. Colors are not as vibrant and emotions are hard to tap into. When I think of this past Christmas when I made one of the most important decisions of my life, I think of how fast everything went. Within a week I went from living an independent life in Chicago to living with my family again. Not that I haven't enjoyed their company because that is anything but the truth. I have loved living back at home with the family (even though we have had our moments). One problem however, is that I have become semi-shy again. This makes me nervous because I have not been shy since I can remember.

When I initially came home from school I was bubbling with excitement for the future. Several of my Chicago friends envied me because I was leaving to "go onto bigger and better things" with my life. To take some "time off" from school and to see the REAL WORLD...not this bubble we called the acting conservatory. Living at home was fine for the first couple of months. Besides the needle in the hay sack search for a job I was enjoying rekindling old friendships and being in the comfort of my own home once again. But something was missing...I wasn't engaging in the love of my life...the drug that makes me shiver with complete euphoria...ACTING...PERFORMING...SINGING. I had a daily routine...wake up go to work, see friends, see family, stay up late then repeat. Then work some more. Work, work, work. Scooping ice cream at Ben and Jerry's is hardly artistic. In fact it isn't at all. I was not getting my high that I have lived off of for years...since I was a child. I crave it again. But NOW I feel as if I am rusty.

By a series of interesting and random events I applied to the University of Southern California and its internationally acclaimed theatre program. While I tried my hardest to get in and spent days on the application I did not want to set my hopes high. People...close friends and family included, told me to start thinking of back up plans because I "probably wouldn't get in to USC, and definitely would have issues with admissions into the theatre program". Low and behold...months later...I was accepted. I always had a slight ray of hope in me...it is what gets you through as an actor and as a person period. As Harvey Milk said, "You've got to give them HOPE". And now in mere weeks I am on my way to Los Angeles (epicenter of entertainment) to pursue my acting career as well as train at the USC's acclaimed Theatre Program. It seems now that people don't question me anymore. As my mother says to her friends, "If Braden wants something he will get it. It's that simple". I'm proud of that part of my personality. I am driven.

But the rusty part...because of this lapse in time from any form of acting or theatre or cinema I feel as though I am going to be a giant let down to the faculty and my peers, etc. I continue to invision auditions...stepping out onto the stage and just performing an EPIC FAIL. BOMBING. But I can't think like that. I also envision moving out there and being eaten by the parasites known as the millions of unknown actors, musicians and artists living in Los Angeles. But then I just have to tell myself. I got into the school for a reason. It is a sign. Not only is it a damn competitive University to get into but I ACTUALLY GOT ACCEPTED...not waitlisted or denied but ACCEPTED. I am worthy. That is all that matters. But being the sometimes melodramatic artist I am I always question the talent that people see in me. But you have to...it is what keeps you going, what makes your ego small and what forces you to keep on trying and change things up.

I have already met a bus load of USC students on Facebook (theatre and non theatre) and they have taken well to me thus far. I am living in a nice house with three fellow actors and I have (what people tell me to be...) a likeable personality. What have I got to lose. I have only dreamed and prayed for the day to come when I am jet setting to Los Angeles to pursue my acting career. I am actually pursuing it. Physically moving all of my things and myself to the other side of the country to make my dreams come true. People can't make fun of me for that. So many people are talkers...and I have been for the past semester, but now I am actually DOING IT...and that is exciting. And now as my very long and rambling blog entry comes to a close I am in a subdued yet pleasant mind set. People are cheering me on here and in Chicago. They know this is for the best and many exciting opportunities will come from this path I have decided to take. Beneath all of the absurd anxiety is excitement and absolute euphoria for the future. My only hope is that it all falls into place and I begin to see the vibrant colors I have missed for so long.

I know it will be hard but I also know that it will be fun. I will hopefully meet all of these people I have been talking to on Facebook and just fit right in. I have done this before. I am a TRANSFER...at least this isn't the first time for me. It is still fucking horrifying but I have a hand up on this game. Right now I am living on my drive and my family and friends. My old and very talented roommate and friend said to me, "Braden you will make it because you are hella talented". This is not the first time I have heard this...and that is enough to keep me going. I have nothing to prove... I just have a lot to show.

Disgusted.

Several things have been upsetting me lately. Not just irritating...but making me sick. Ill. For the past two nights I have had to take a lengthy walk around my neighborhood and listen to music to just distract my mind from the absurd thoughts that I have been pondering.

Frankly I have been horrified lately. Horrified in humanity just in general. You can't change the world, you can only make it better...but sadly there are some facets in our existence that are pointless to even tamper with. One of the biggest problems in the United States of America: this closed mind mentality. We are still interpreting the Bible as truth. We are still committing thousands of hate crimes...purely based on sexual orientation or racism. We say that racism doesn't exist. I beg to differ. Prejudice is ripe in our country and our world. Tolerance is a bad thing apparently. I saw Bruno tonight. I don't know whether it helped or extremely hindered the human rights campaign. While the movie itself was extremely filthy, it did attempt to show the amount of hatred that is fueled over such an absurd topic as human sexuality. Lets face it. Sex is funny in general. It is a beautiful yet absurd concept. Two people coming together to (share their love) but basically get the other off. It is as awkward as it is beautiful...regardless of who you are bonking in the sack.

I might be a hippie sometimes with my "free love", "no labels" policies but to me there is no difference when I witness a man and a woman making out and when I see two women or two men making out. To me it is a symbol of love. LOVE. Love has no labels or boundaries. It is limitless in its power. The closed-minded problems with the American culture occur because of our roots. Christianity has dipped its fingers into too many facets of American culture. There is such a thing as "Separation between church and state". Last I remembered it still existed in 2009. It is so hard to see this separation when almost every human rights campaign is opposed by some sort of religious group. Don't get me wrong...I believe in God, I am Catholic...but I'm a SANE Catholic. My God is not brutal and does not send people to hell with lightning bolts. My God is loving and merciful. My God can move mountains and would never condemn someone for their sexuality, race, creed or personal beliefs.

Sometimes I get so excited for the progression of our culture when I see bills being passed and people opening their minds to new ideals. But then I hear a smug comment or conversation that just kills me. As the credits began to roll at the end of Bruno I heard several, "That was a gay ass movie" or "That movie was for fags" "I feel like a fag" etc, etc. I don't know if it just me but WHENEVER I hear someone assign a word to a group of people I cringe. That is never a good word. I may not be affiliated with any of these groups but I know NO ONE would want to be assigned to such a derogatory word. Fagot is the equivalent of Nigger...it is the de-humanization of a human. The worst possible thing you can do. I'm not a "Fag enabler" as some crazy Christian might call me...I am just a respectful human who demands respect in return. I am going to love everyone because we are beautiful creatures. Some might say that an evil exists (the homos and Harry Potters of the world)...but last I checked the homos and Harry Potters aren't the ones condemning people to hell or curb stomping individuals because they are different.

This is a serious problem. I would never cast such an outrageous word on someone because they are different from me. We are all made of the same tissues...but the beauty comes from our individuality. The chemicals that make us different from another. We should never ever want to take outrageous measures to change who God made us. Today I was on YouTube and it suggested a video for me. It was an old interview on "Sally" (that funny lady with the bob and glasses). They were talking about the "Ex-Gay (bullshit) movement" that still sadly exists today. People were claiming to have turned straight...to have the homosexuality literally exorcised from their bodies. POOF gone. To any sane human, I would hope they would see these individuals as looney tunes...complete idiots. People buy this shit sadly. Literally...spend hundreds of thousands of dollars for "homosexuality therapy". It is terribly sad. Even at work today there were too affectionate lesbians in line. One of my co-workers said "gross...disgusting" after they departed. Secretly it made me cringe. Are people not confident enough in their own sexuality that they aren't able to deal with two women holding hands? I just don't get it. How the hell does it affect you? In my day I have seen multiple heterosexual couples literally having sex in mid-day light...I HAD AN ISSUE THEN...but I won't find two women holding hands as disgusting...ever.

The whole argument about homosexuality and equality in general is just ABSURD. I am no different from Obama and Obama is no different then Ellen DeGeneres. Obama might love a black woman and Ellen might love a white woman...but they all possess the single most important quality that every sane human possesses...the ability to L-O-V-E. This is an issue that will never be confronted by the entire world because you don't have to deal with it unless you or someone you know is gay, of a different race or culture. Only then are you able to step away from your set ways and take a look in the mirror...do you lose ties with this individual you love or lose your ego and say, "Hey...I love you...regardless of who you might love or what color you might be or who you worship". This world is all about survival of the fitness...evolution...the ability to adapt. And those stuck in Biblical teachings and times will just rust in this ever progressing world. Eventually...not for a very long time...this will be a dead issue. Sadly I don't believe I will be alive when that day comes...where we all put aside our ego's...our own insecurities and just rejoice in our beautiful existence. I am such a dreamer.

I Am DIFFERENT.

You may stare at me as I pass you by on the street.
You may gawk and heckle at my very lengthy and awkward limbs.
You may say certain things to bring me down.
Call me names...give me labels...tell me my dreams are worthless.
You might even try to put me in a box...
...say that I am only certain things and can only accomplish certain things...
but you are wrong.
I will break this box that you are so eager to place me in.
Because listen bitches...I am different.
I was placed on this earth to BE different.
To bring something DIFFERENT to the table.
I may not drive a BMW like everyone in LA.
I may not look like Brad Pitt.
I may not be proportionate...I may have immensely long limbs.
BUT THAT MAKES ME UNIQUE...
DIFFERENT from you and Jo Schmo next door or down the street.
Yes everyone wants to become a "celebrity" or make it big...but I am different.
I'm willing to work to get to where I need to be.
I am willing to test myself and show the world who I am.
I am willing to surpass your false judgments and pathetic conduct.
I don't judge you.
So don't judge me.
Because we are all different.

One Day.

There are so many things I think about on a day to day basis. My re-occurring mantra: "One Day". It is funny because my friend Cassie and I were eating at a fancy shmancy restaurant before we saw "Rent" a couple weeks ago. The waitress treated us different because we weren't fancy schmancy elderly people. BUT we still had money. I told Cassie that we should have told her, "Do you know WHO I WILL BE?" That would set her straight. But seriously. One day.

Man in the Mirror.

One of my favorite songs of ALL time. One to live by. Miss you MJ.

(Mainly just put in the main parts...the extra oohs and ahhs and woohoos aren't needed).

I'm Gonna Make A Change,
For Once In My Life
It's Gonna Feel Real Good,
Gonna Make A Difference
Gonna Make It Right . . .

As I, Turn Up The Collar On My
Favorite Winter Coat
This Wind Is Blowin' My Mind
I See The Kids In The Street,
With Not Enough To Eat
Who Am I, To Be Blind?
Pretending Not To See
Their Needs
A Summer's Disregard,
A Broken Bottle Top
And A One Man's Soul
They Follow Each Other On
The Wind Ya' Know
'Cause They Got Nowhere
To Go
That's Why I Want You To
Know

I'm Starting With The Man In
The Mirror
I'm Asking Him To Change
His Ways
And No Message Could Have
Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World
A Better Place
(If You Wanna Make The
World A Better Place)
Take A Look At Yourself, And
Then Make A Change
(Take A Look At Yourself, And
Then Make A Change)
(Na Na Na, Na Na Na, Na Na,
Na Nah)

I've Been A Victim Of A Selfish
Kind Of Love
It's Time That I Realize
That There Are Some With No
Home, Not A Nickel To Loan
Could It Be Really Me,
Pretending That They're Not
Alone?

A Willow Deeply Scarred,
Somebody's Broken Heart
And A Washed-Out Dream
(Washed-Out Dream)
They Follow The Pattern Of
The Wind, Ya' See
Cause They Got No Place
To Be
That's Why I'm Starting With
Me
(Starting With Me!)

I'm Starting With The Man In
The Mirror
(Ooh!)
I'm Asking Him To Change
His Ways
(Ooh!)
And No Message Could Have
Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World
A Better Place
(If You Wanna Make The
World A Better Place)
Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make A Change
(Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make A Change)

I'm Starting With The Man In
The Mirror
(Ooh!)
I'm Asking Him To Change His
Ways
(Change His Ways-Ooh!)
And No Message Could've
Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World
A Better Place
(If You Wanna Make The
World A Better Place)
Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make That . . .
(Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make That . . .)
Change!

I Want to Go to There.

One of the most magical moments for me is when the credits begin to roll after a film. The music, the names...it is just magical to me. It never seizes to amaze me how worked up I get after watching a movie. When I was little I would always marvel in how cool it was...a movie...how people got to dress up and perform in front of a camera...and have the entire country watch. As the years have passed I have gone from marveling at film to wanting to jump into the screen. Every movie that I watch I watch with a critical eye. Every actor, every maneuver is under my scrutiny. Besides teachers or class the biggest text book for the actor is watching other actors. I just got back from "Public Enemies" and watching Depp is like watching salt water toffee being made...it never gets old. He is truly a chameleon. Sometimes I feel foolish while I watch movies. Most people go to see movies to escape...to just relax. I watch them to study...so that I can one day be on that very screen. As the days pass by I come to the realization that I am a day closer to living in Los Angeles, California (Hollywood). To actively pursue my dreams...as well as study and further my craft. There are so many thing I will have to accomplish and just thinking about it is a tad overwhelming...but I know that this is all happening for a reason.

"American Idol" is coming to Denver...my mom wants me to audition. I continue to tell her I am not ready...one more year. And she continues to tell me that it is an "in" for me into the business. But my ever so brilliant friend Ruthie reminded me that most people who are Idol Alums are just that...IDOL ALUMS...rarely do they expand on their careers...rarely. I never want a brand name like that to be attached to my name. I want to be known as the actor who is daring and doesn't stick to one brand name or company. A chameleon. Which is why thankfully I have come to my senses and will NOT be auditioning for Idol this year...besides Ruthie brought the point up that I want to be an ACTOR...yes I sing and yes I want to try to dip my feet into as many fields as I can but for now acting is the focal point in this road trip ahead. I want to be on that screen not too long from now...not a discarded "Idol" alum.

Megax Fox. Urg.

Here is the Red Band Trailer for "Jennifer's Body"...mixing the best of both worlds...Megan Fox and Diablo Cody. Do you sense the sarcasm. Judge for yourself. Of course every man will be seeing this movie because Megan Fox is SO talented.

Exclusive! The Red Band Trailer for Jennifer's Body!- ShockTillYouDrop.com

Posted using ShareThis

Live Your Life.

The rain and thunder storms are creating a wonderful symphony. Beyonce is echoing in the background. Work felt like forever today. I find myself in a bizarre mood. It seems like the very earth I walk on is one giant juxtaposition of itself. With everything. One moment I find myself completely content with my life and then the next I hear some horrible bit of news and it sends me spiraling into the infamous land of overthinking.

For some reason death finds itself in numbers. Usually I don't find myself contemplating the statistics of those who pass away...but there just seemed to be too many in June. BIG ones. I hear of friends of friends who died in a car crash instantly or are in a medically induced coma or have just been diagnosed with cancer...perhaps for a second time. I am put in my place whenever I hear of such things. I become grounded. Just to even think of something happening to God forbid my family or friends is enough to make me cry. Even thinking about my life and what is in store...I can only hope that God has a nice long life ahead of me.

I bring up this "Debbie-Downer" blog because within the past day I have been hearing horrendous news left and right. One of my roommates mother's passed away this week. Yesterday when we celebrated the 4th at my friends house in Boulder we "met" (briefly) one of her roommates. She went to go to a friends house. She never returned. Less than an hour ago my friend Emily called and said that the same girl who I barely met had hydro-planed and flipped her car...sending her into a violent crash. She is now in a medically induced coma. We were the last people she saw. Life is a mischievous poltergeist at times. It plays with our emotions and our cores. I did not know any of these individuals truly...yet I am still confronted with an explosion of pain for their families and the ones they loved. How can someone's life be viciously taken away from them in a matter of minutes...at the age of 20. When they have the entire world in front of them. The possibilities go from endless to none in a matter of minutes. I don't understand. And I never will.

I could never be a doctor. In a hospital 24/7. I hate hospitals. Once again a juxtaposition of life and death. A constant reminder of the circle of life. There is beauty in birth but I can't find any in the ending of a life. When travesties happen they remind me of my family and friends and my life. How precious it is. Truly. How like glass, at any unexpected moment it could shatter into a million little pieces. But I hate exploring brutal thoughts like that. I once had a dream several years ago that my dad died...I remember vividly waking up and gushing tears. It upset me to my core. I am not ready for that to happen yet...I will never truly be ever...but Lord oh Lord not now.

Everything becomes so shallow and insignificant when pain hits home. Petty situations with friends or family becomes obsolete. You soon discover that inanimate objects that iPhones or iPod don't mean shit. Life does not come with a price tag. It's like Beyonce...you just can't compete with the fragility of it...life. I was put on this earth to make something of myself. I was put on this earth to be a loving son, brother, friend and maybe in the future...lover and father. My career and my passion for acting are so unbelievably strong, but I need to understand that life should be lived and not forgotten. I will make the best of these years and cherish every memory, every individual and every opportunity that comes my way. I am not going to dilly-dally anymore. I am going to grab the bull by the horns and ride this ride like no tomorrow. I am not going to live my life like it is some secret. I am not going to be ashamed of who I am and I am definitely not going to dwell in the past. Life is the present. The rain as it falls to the ground. Not the clouds that come before. Live your life. Experience the beauty around you. We are wonderous creatures.

Hollywoo...My New Home.

I have been severely tired lately. Passing out in the middle of the day...napping during really intense movies, bumming around at work...all unusual for me. But I guess a lot has been happening. But this explains why I have yet to post a blog.

Things have been exciting.

I flew out to California Tuesday night and stayed there until Thursday...with my Dad. I went to go see the campus, go to USC orientation, sign the lease papers for my new house, and just explore my new home I will be calling Los Angeles, California. As you may have read I was basically shitting my pants in anxiety. However, as soon as I landed in California my nerves evaporated and instead, I felt content. Los Angeles gets a bad rap from people who either don't like it or have just heard rumors...but I was pleasantly surprised at how much I liked it. Granted I have yet to explore in depth this city but from what I saw...which was a lot in such a short time...I liked it. First of all, the weather was glorious. Sunny and warm...but not TOO warm because of the ocean breeze. The city itself is so huge that it is hard to judge whether or not you like it from just one section of the city. Like any city Los Angeles has its "Do NOT go near there" spots and it also has its "YOU HAVE TO CHECK THIS OUT" spots as well. But anyway...before I start writing an article for the Los Angeles Tourism offices I will get back on track. But the bottom line is...I am going to find an array of fun and experiences in L.A. that is for sure.

I met two of my roomies and one of their friends the same evening that I landed at a cool restaurant "Lab" near the USC campus. While I attempted to be my usual self I found myself acting nervous and awkward...but apparently I was neither to them. While it is naturally awkward meeting people in person for the first time, I could tell that with time I will get along with them swimmingly well.

Another thing I was terrified of was the possibility of me not liking the campus or the school itself. And yes...I suppose I took a risk by not visiting the school in the first place. However I was going to go to USC regardless if I got in for the opportunities and the location. The minute I stepped on campus I let out a giant sigh...of relief. The campus is gorgeous and even at 7am in the morning. As the day progressed I continued to meet familiar faces on Facebook and new faces...and all of them were friendly and bubbling with excitement. As I explored the campus further I only fell in love with it more. My dad even got emotional...which never happens. It was a crowning achievement moment for myself. I had gotten myself there and no one else. The whole day was rather intense...a lot was thrown in our direction all at once...but it was all exhilarating. Also, I was the ONLY, I repeat the ONLY transfer theatre major at that orientation session. This was actually really nice because I got to interact with my new advisement counselors and a few existing theatre majors on a one on one basis. I registered for classes and for the first time in my academic career I got to CHOOSE my classes...what a concept?! I am taking everything from Cinema to Experiments (a class emphasized around rehearsal in which two musicals are produced throughout the classes). I am very excited.

After orientation my dad and I headed over to my new L.A. bungalow...which is adorable. Adorable is the exact word to describe it. We were met by an extremely friendly Hispanic family who toured us around the house. It is the perfect size for four people and is more than nice for a group of actors/college students...and the price sure beats the hell out of USC housing.

From then on my dad and I went out for a nice dinner and then drove around the area...from Rodeo Drive to the Santa Monica area and pier...it was a lot in such a short amount of time, but it was so nice. We concluded our adventures and final day in the center of Hollywood. I not only got to walk the steps of the Kodak Theatre but pay homage to Michael Jackson at his star and shrine. It was very cool. It was exhilarating to be there amongst the imprints of Hollywood legends because it was a physical reminder of where I was. Where I had come to. Hollywood. THE Hollywood, California. It was the beginning of this long adventure I am embarking on. It gave me chills to see the stars and feet of all of these artists I look up to...and to daydream about possibly making it to that one day sent chills up my spine.

I could obviously go on and on about my two and a half days in Los Angeles but you will all hear plenty about my adventures in L.A. when I move there. Even now as I sit on my bed in Fort Collins, Colorado it still feels unreal. Like someone needs to pour a bucket of Lobsters on my head to wake me up. But every so often I am reminded that it is indeed reality. And that feeling is enough to make me so ridiculously happy.

Somone Pinch Me.

I need to wake up from this coma I am in. This void of reality. Is this really happening? Am I really flying to Los Angeles, California tomorrow...to go to the University of Southern California's Orientation session? Am I really living in a beautiful house in downtown Los Angeles with three fellow actors? Am I actually pursuing my dreams? Am I actually moving to Los Angeles, California to become the actor and individual I want to become? Is this all real? Even though I am occassionally reminded from my butterflies and nerves that it is clearly real, it still doesn't seem like it. It couldn't be happening to me could it? Either way it IS happening. And even though that comes with a bundle of conflicting emotions...I'm actually living it. Wow. Excuse me while I shit myself.

Well I am off to finish packing and go to bed...I have a flight to catch to Los Angeles tomorrow. Goodnight world. Wish me luck this week. :)

Excitement.

One week until I am in Los Angeles for Orientation. EEEEEEEEH. I am so nervous but so excited at the same time. I talked to one of my future housemates today on video chat and she is so sweet. It got me excited...even though I probably seemed nervous...I was so excited. It really is not that hard to meet people...especially if they are friendly. Apparently our house is "beautiful" and I cannot wait to see it in person...as well as my housemates. I am so excited to meet them in person. And to just jump start things. It is already crystal clear how many opportunities will be presented in Los Angeles. And it is now when I begin to realize it is ACTUALLY happening. I am not just dreaming it, I am not just imagining it. I am embarking on my dreams and doing something about it.

Scary. Truly Scary.

I could have found a bazillion videos like the following one but I got too angry. It is so incredibly frightening to know that people like this exist in this world.



I may not be God...and I may not be the Pope...but I know that being a Christian means opening your heart to others...LOVE. LOVE. These people promote hatred...and it terrifies me.

SO GOOD.

I don't care if this is real or if this was staged. The matter of the fact is that this is a damn good tantrum. One you might see from me one day if you don't watch it.

OFFICIALLY Summer.

So it took a little bit longer for summer to spring upon Northern Colorado, but I think (knock on wood) it has sprung! How do I know this...between the hot weather, the bright sun and fun sleep-overs in tents, it is hard not to think it is summer! It is even warm enough to go skinny dipping (which I plan on doing very soon...sshhh, don't tell the authorities). Things are moving, that is for sure. It is already June 19th and just a moment ago I was flipping my calendar from May to June. Time does move fast when you are occupied or having fun. And sometimes, it goes by far too fast! But ever since I have begun focusing on the present, I have been very content and happy. I have come to terms with the fact that all of the exciting opportunities (as far as film, television, stage and acting work goes) will not be presented to me until the fall...but I have all of this time beforehand to enjoy my summer and friends and work. I cannot think about tomorrow or the next week or next month because they will come to me eventually...and I would have been worrying too much about the future that I missed out on all of the joy and beauty of the present. We do more in one day than we think we do...we call it being bored...but we are really actively participating in life...regardless of how "exciting" the activities in our lives are.

I must admit, I was a bit freaked out about housing for the fall...but now I am so happy. Housing is not guaranteed for transfers at USC (yeah I know) and so I wanted to try to find a back up in case I was not granted university housing. There were several options that were presented to me, but by a stroke of fate I found my future housemates and house. YES AN ACTUAL HOUSE...in LOS ANGELES! One of the housemates messaged me on Facebook and had seen that I was looking for potential housing...and said he had to go back to Norway because of something with his green card and offered me a spot in his house! I took him up on his offer right away. And it is supposedly really nice and cheap for a house in Los Angeles...AND I will have my own room in case I need to break away from reality and take a nap in privacy. I would be paying almost double the price to share a room with two others in USC housing...I am so unbelievably stoked. My housemates seem incredibly cool and are also all theatre majors. It will definitely help me make an easier transition into the social world. I am a very outgoing individual, don't get me wrong, but when I am moving to a new location and am put in front of hundreds...thousands of strangers...I go into wallflower mode...and don't act the way I truly do all the rest of the time...it is just bad. This way I can befriend my housemates and have an easier transition into meeting fellow theatre majors, etc instead of being paralyzed in nerves and anxiety.

I have already met an abundant amount of theatre majors and USC students in general on Facebook...they have all been so gracious in offering me help, advice and invites to parties when I come to LA. Which will be sooner than I thought it would be initially. Technically the lease starts August 1st, but I am going to try to find some grace period of a week or so to wait to move out there. I am excited, but at the same time I do not want to cut my summer short by any means. But right now that is too far ahead in the future to think about. Orientation is less than two weeks away...oh my goodness. Right now I am going to take a little nap before work and just chill. Because it is the summer...and I can nap whenever I want (kind of).

Revelations.

A weekend up in the mountains can do wonders for the head. Windex for the worries...completely cleansing the body of stress. Euphoria. Every time I go up to the mountains or immerse myself in nature I am completely astonished at how easy going I become. Going up to the cabin has its effect on me...that is certain. It also has the ability to bring upon revelations--emotionally and mentally. While lounging on a rather large rock on "Lake Davis", also known as "Lake Sunshine", I had many mini epiphanies. All of them seem like common sense...but for just a moment I actually felt content with my findings.

1. I worry too much. I am the happiest when I am completely unaware of my flaws or imperfections, or embrace them.

2. There is a fine line between obsessing/worrying too much and wanting to stay on top of things/be motivated.

3. I need to find the excitement in the fear. The pleasure in the failure. I often am worried about things which should be exciting and not horrifying or bad for my mental/physical health.

4. These should be the best years of my life. I need to stop over-analyzing everything and have fun. Throw the inhibitions to the wind and take advantage of my youth. Find something that scares me everyday and act on it...whether it is on a large or small scale. Work towards being fearless...

There were many other points that I came across in my time up in the mountains this weekend. But above all the one that really is a life changing one and sounds so simple is:

5. Live in the present, the now. DO NOT think about tomorrow, or the next week...because you may not be alive for the next week...but you are alive now and that is beautiful.

RENT.

I saw the Broadway touring company of "Rent" tonight. I had never seen the show live...only had listened to the soundtrack 198273839938389 times since I was 13. It was magical. Truly magical...seeing the show live, and with some of the original cast members (Pascal and Rapp). There was so much depth and energy presented on stage. Yes, there were some weak moments with acting (Mimi's understudy at points) but overall it was a complete throwback to why I fell in love with musical theatre. I so clearly remember blasting the "Rent" soundtrack in my bedroom freshman year in high school (even before then). I remember borrowing it from the library and I remember blasting it as I drove down Mountain when I first got my license. "Rent" was HUGE in my life...the influence and impact it made was immense. I can thank "Rent" for helping me think outside of the box. Growing up in an extremely conservative and Catholic environment is hard as it is. "Rent" was my portal to another world of art and bohemia. I became open minded because of "Rent". Honestly. I don't think I knew what a drag queen was until I was introduced to Angel. I fell in love with all of the characters and their stories. But even more...I fell in love with the music.

I have lost track at how many times I have rocked out to songs from "Rent" before a show or after a show or a cast party or just in the middle of class. It ushered a new era and generation into the world and the world of musical theater. "Rent" made musical theatre cool and accepted. I was never so obsessed that I could be called a "renthead"...like some people in the audience tonight, but I loved the show for what it was and how revolutionary it was. It changed and is changing so many lives. As I sat with Cassie before the show and during intermission, I asked her how many people would walk out and not come back...surprisingly when the lights went dark again there were only (roughly) five empty seats. Colorado is usually fairly conservative, so I was proud that so many people stayed and had open minds. Another thing that fueled the goosebumps...was the amount of energy in the audience. As soon as the lights dimmed and Adam Pascal walked across the stage I felt like I was at a football game...everyone was cheering so insanely loud. And the same for Anthony Rapp and the others...everyone was there for them...the cast. To know you are in a show that has impacted so many people...an entire generation...generations...that is just unbelievable to think about. I hope I make an accomplishment like that at some point in my career as an actor, singer and performer.

Ooohhhh....and I also got some autographs from Anthony Rapp and the ladies who played Maureen and Mimi...it was so drowsy and rainy that most of the actors just went to their hotel rooms after. It was just nice to see the actors in the flesh. It always is.

NO DAY BUT TODAYYY!

Drive.

I'm in my room. It is almost midnight. The fan is swiftly blowing and Tracy Champan's "Fast Car" is playing in the background. I love that song. I love music in general. For the past two days I have been belting out "Hair" and songs from "Next to Normal". I usually sing when I am inspired, excited, jumpy or bored. I'm seeing "Rent" with a great friend of mine tomorrow night, I am very excited! "Rent" was a major influence on me and my love for musical theatre. I remember renting the cast album from the library when I was 13. SO weird to think that was seven years ago...really? So much has changed since then...but then again, a lot hasn't. I am still me. Still the Braden who loves singing show tunes and re-enacting scenes from movies. I am and have always been an actor and performer. I look back at baby albums and can see the lust for performing even at the innocent age of 2. There is a sparkle in my eye...a little bit of jazz hands. My parents remind me that they used to watch "Star Search" with me when I was a baby and I was enthralled. They tell me I danced to Oprah's theme song whenever the show came on. I have always been eccentric and a bit crazy. Not crazy, just lively. Which is why this semester was very hard for me because I began to see the liveliness die a little bit. The passion was still there, but was extinguished by certain things. Now I am better...I am working towards something. TRAINING...I am TRAINING again...with my art! I am so unbelievably excited to start again (anxious) but SO excited. As the lovely Alice Ripley said at her Tony's acceptance speech (something along the lines of), "In College I trained and worked to get a BFA...a Bachelor's of Fine Arts. This is an art...it takes time and training".

I am excited to get back to making something. Collaborating. Making a performance. Challenging myself. Pushing the boundaries in acting and singing and in life. I wrote in my journal a couple weeks ago...I want to work towards becoming fearless. Of course it is IMPOSSIBLE to be completely fearless but to be fearless once or twice in a day or perform an act you would not normally do. Acting is the best when you are fearless, no hold ups. It is the same in life. Relationships and friendships last longer when you aren't judging everything or being insecure all of the time. It is good to be fearless. It is something I am working on. Ever so surely I become a little more confident in my abilities and potential...every day. Yes it helps to hear people say positive things about your talent and future, but that is not what you should rely on. Thank God I am driven. Actors (douchey sometimes) like Matthew Morrison say that his advice to future actors is to stop doing it because it is too hard...that is because he is scared of someone showing him up. Yes a lot of actors will crumble under the pressure. But thank God I love doing this so much. To stop doing it would be like to stop living and breathing. Yes, I'm sure a lot of young performers say the same exact thing...but sometimes they are not actually merited with talent. No one is exactly positive of their capabilities, but all I know is that there are a lot of people supporting my choice because of what they see in me. I have a lot to share with the world.

Ugh Twilight.

I am shamelessly stealing this link from my friend Jordan. This proves how absurd Twilight has become. Sad that the only thing these people know sexually...is a vampire and werewolf.

The Tony's.

It is 1:22 AM on what is now a Tuesday morning. I have been inspired once again. Firstly, I had a nice lengthy conversation with my friend Erica over the phone. Not only was it nice to hear her voice and to hear she is doing well but we discussed life and the mysteries of it...like usual. Then when I came home I could not stop watching YouTube videos of The Tony's. Everytime I watch an award show like The Tony's I become instantly inspired again. I could not imagine doing anything else but playing fascinating characters and singing on stage or behind the camera. I love it...so very much. I am so excited to get back to work in the fall and continue to fine tune my talents. The downfall of watching The Tony's is the fact that I want to be doing that NOW. But everything takes time...and to be honest I don't think I am completely prepared. I am just going to let things play out...I know how driven I am and I know of the exciting opportunities that will be present in Los Angeles and etc. Time. Patience. The best lesson to be learned.

I have also been thinking a lot about leaving my family again in the fall. It saddens me and consumes a lot of my thoughts. I love them so very much...and while I know I have to leave Colorado to do the things I want to do at the level I want to do them...it still saddens me to know I will not be within walking distance. Yes, I know I can't change these things...and yes I can't think about morbid things...they will happen wherever I am. Life is cruel this way. We live with our family for so long, we love them, we hate them but really we just love them...and then...you are catapulted away from them. On your own. I like being independent but I also love the comfort my parents give me. The constant support, the hugs, the conversations. I have grown closer with them throughout this past semester. I love them so very much. And my family and pets in general. But I am living on the fact that they are so proud of me and what I am doing...they know I am actively pursuing my dreams and while it slightly terrifies them...they know that I am very diligent and persistent. The only thing I can ask for is that they will be there when I make it.

I have provided a couple of my favorite performances from the Tony's this year. I have become really addicted to "Hair" again...I would love to play anyone in that show. I have the soundtrack on shuffle and have been listening to it non-stop. And I have a man crush on Gavin Creel. And as far as "Billy Elliot" goes...I am jealous of those little boys...who gets to star on Broadway at that age? And where did you get those dance skills?

Nap Time.

I don't want to go to work today. I just wanna lie on my bed, turn on some TV on DVD and nap. Just surrender to some shut eye. Stop worrying and just nap. I have been thinking a lot lately but right now I have to go get ready for work. Bloggie to come later tonight or tomorrow! Oooh the Tony's are on tonight! But I will be at work so I gots to record them...well no more time to talk. Off to be an ice cream wizard. :p

It's Beginning to Hit Me.

It hit me. Again. Just this very minute. I am going to be living in Los Angeles. Yes...I am scared shitless. But the nerves are equally met with a feeling of relief and excitement. It is enough to know that I will be attending one of the best Universities and Theatre programs in the United States...but what really gets me going is the location. Los Angeles...Hollywood. THE BIG LEAGUES. Yes, I will land in LAX and probably start shaking in my boots. I will probably begin to doubt my abilities, my strength and my courage. But then I will remind myself that I am PHYSICALLY pursuing my dreams. For so long I have talked to people about moving out to L.A. to pursue my acting career. How I was going to continue my studies at USC while auditioning and starting my career...and I am sure many of those people just rolled their eyes and thought, "How cute...how naive of him". But then it happened. IT ACTUALLY HAPPENED! Twas a dark and rainy evening when I ran out to the mailbox and saw that beautiful package. It was physical proof of a big success of mine. I hope to have many more in the future.

Not going to lie, a majority of the time people look at me like I am crazy when I tell them I want to be in movies and on big stages. Not that they doubt me or my talents...they just don't think I am strong enough or have the will power. But lately these thoughts have shifted. The other day my mom said, "Wow...whatever Braden puts his mind to...he achieves". She calls up family and friends constantly and tells them the good news about the fall...how she wants to come out and visit me all the time with the family. It feels good to hear sentiments like this again. Truly. For a while there I began to panic...foolishly. I was in a rut. But now, I am happy to report...I am beginning to see the other side of this rut, this tunnel. And it looks promising. I have a lot of support...from family, friends, professors and co-workers. I feel a little shaky (the nerves of starting a new life basically) but I know that things happen for a reason. This happened for a reason. I am already meeting a lot of really kind people from USC and they are pumping me up! Yes there is the occasional distant individual but it IS Facebook. It seems to me that I am one of the only Theatre transfers this year that was accepted...I don't know whether to feel flattered or scared. I have to prove myself to these talented performers and faculty!

I feel a little rusty in theatre, singing and acting...but when it comes down to it, it is just like riding a bike...you always go back to it easily. SO yes...my mind is occupied with thoughts of the future. I have my occasional anxiety...but I think it is the combination of excitement for the fall and my present happiness with how the summer is going that makes me feel content. I love my family...my friends...and work. I don't want to jinx ANYTHING...but I feel that things are moving (ever so slowly) in a good direction. I have to remember why I became an actor and fall in love with this art every day...whether I am in a show or not. Whether I am auditioning or not. This is a huge part of my life. I can't wait to get back into action. When it comes down to it I have a feeling the nerves and anxiety will disappear and I will kick some booty...I have a lot of pent up emotions just waiting to explode!

Now that I made the deposit, am amidst a housing hunt and have signed up for orientation on July 1st...things seems real. Or are at least beginning to form into reality in my head. In other news Emily and I had a little Salsa making gathering at mi casa tonight! It involved many easy going activities...one which included blankets. :) Pictures are attached. Well...goodnight world...you are so fascinating. I hope tomorrow will bring another day of beauty.

I LOVE Allison Harvard!

I know I said this when she lost the competition on this cycle of ANTM...but I love Allison Harvard. I want to meet her one day...if she takes her L.A. modeling jobs maybe I will see her around! This video is one of the many reasons why I LOVE HER!

A New Anthem...

I don't know about you all but I LOVE the Black Eyed Peas...I know you either love them or hate them but I have been listening to them since I was in junior high. I have been a die hard BEP fan and even defended them during the "My Humps" period...anyhoo...they have just released their new single, "I Gotta Feeling". And it is going to be the sure fired anthem for weekend nights and the summer...and L.A. You have heard it here first! Not to mention if you look really carefully you can see Ruthie's and mine darling Ongina...look for her carefully...she is dancing fabulously in the right corner in a section and jumping into pools...it is quite fantastic. I have provided the video for your visual and audio enjoyment. The anthem of the summer and this fall...it makes me think of L.A. and it gets me supppper exciteeeddd. Not to mention...Fergie in ASSLESS chaps! ;)



In other news...I just saw "Up!" tonight with my lil' brother Colin. That movie is SAD! Yes it has its laughs and its adventure but damn did that movie make me cry. In fact I have never heard so many audible sniffles in the audience since "The Notebook". Throughout the movie I had to remind myself that I was watching a PIXAR/Disney film! Don't get me wrong...it was wonderful...realistic even...showing the truth in grief and the loss of a loved one...but just be warned...UP! is not what it is advertised as!

P.S. I just congratulated Ongina on the cameo in the music video and we had a little chat...it was fantastic. Basically...she is aware of the fact that I am coming to L.A. in the fall...invited me to a show...and said, "Best of luck. I will be seeing you around". Oh I am totally fan girling this out. It hit me again that I am moving to L.A. in the fall! I am actually doing it! Pursuing my dreams. I am scared shitless...but SO happy.

3 AM

The rain is dripping on my ceiling...and then onto my window. It is extremely therapeutic. Because it is 3 AM I will keep this bloggie short...especially since I am having lunch with Chelsey tomorrow! I began the USC process today...well technically I began it on Saturday when I payed the deposit. Today I applied for housing with my dad and looked into Orientation information. I also recieved some preliminary financial aid. I am hoping it is PRELIMINARY because there was not much of it. Which sucks balls. I received some loans (and not that much either). Which means that unless they do not award me any additional scholarships or grants I will have to apply my little booty off for outside scholarships. I didn't even get work study...but I rarely do. It is baffling to me that more than half of the people who are attending in the fall did not even apply for financial aid. Who has that much money to shell out instantly?! Good for you...I am truly jealous.

Anyhoo...between all the preliminary steps for the fall I got excited again. I finally feel a little bit like it is actually happening. I also feel partly guilty for the cost...and a little nervous for the housing. In the view book they attach in the beautiful acceptance packet it says, "Housing is not guaranteed for transfers." This makes me super nervous. So I'm putting out my good vibes because I don't want to live on a bench this year. I looked into non-USC living in the area and it is hella expensive...so needless to say I NEED to get into one of the living spaces. Regardless, all of this stressing is still exciting. I will be extremely relieved when I find out I have a place to live. Besides that I just have to continue to work my little booty off, pick up as many hours as possible and save all of the money for school. This is an exciting opportunity I would be crazy not to follow through with! IT is f-ing University of Southern California...the alum list is ridiculous! The connections are even better. I also discovered that Jason Robert Brown...yes THE Jason Robert Brown is a faculty member...wtf. I am so stoked. Well I'm tiiirrrreeeddd. The rain is coming down even harder. My right eye has been blood shot for two days...perhaps it is because of lack of sleep. Well nighty. Peace.

I Did It!

I did it....I am going to USC!

I would have written a blog earlier...but as you could imagine I was far too excited! If you have been following my blog for a while...you understand how much this means to me!

Roughly a day and a half ago I got a beautiful red and gold packet from the University of Southern California welcoming me to the Trojan family. And my face looked something along the lines of this:

Granted this shot is posed by hey...nothing could re-enact the sheer euphoria that was pouring over my entire being. I had a slight feeling that I was accepted because I was able to login to the deposit site two days prior...which only admitted students are allowed to do...but I wanted to keep it hush hush in case I was rejected in the end and only ended up making a fool of myself! But in the end I felt like anything but a fool!

USC is a damn good school...the next best thing to Ivy League...I only say this because I am still shocked at the fact that I was able to get into such an established and rigorous University. What made me even more ecstatic was the fact that I was admitted to the Theatre Program (BA Track...which is what I wanted anyway). I have already gotten a taste of what a BFA program is like and found out that I need to be well rounded so that I am a well rounded performer and individual. With the BA track I will still be apart of the prestigious School of Theatre, be able to audition for a majority of the season's shows but also be able to study abroad and take theatre classes and non theatre classes. However, most importantly I will have more time to audition and find agents! NETWORK! NETWORK! NETWORK! BA or BFA it does not matter anyway. It is the experience and the connections made that DOES.

I know that the next two and a half (maybe three-ish) years studying in Los Angeles will be rigorous, scary, exciting and life changing. And you know what...that is exactly what I wanted. Even now...only two days after my acceptance I am beginning to get nervous...I am beginning to shake a little...but I know deep down that this would not have happened if it was not meant to be. As Oprah once said, "We can't become what we need to be by remaining what we are." I am feeling this. Hopefully it will be good. Out of everything though, getting into USC has shown me that I have the ability to stand out of 10,000 fellow applicants, which means I definitely have the ability to make it in the industry I want to be in so badly. Even though I always knew I could do it and know that I will be successful one day...sometimes it takes something like this to let the ones around you realize that you really CAN do anything you put your mind to.

I thought my parents would be "happy" for me...but never encourage me to attend the school itself. But boy have I been suprised. My mom always wanted me to go to an Ivy League school...and I told her it would be pointless to do such a thing in theatre...but this is the second best thing...they are completely supporting me with their hugs and love taps and kind words. I hugged my mom for a minute and a half today...just relieved and happy...I showed her that I'm back...and in action. I love my family so very much. My Auntie Gail was here last weekend for my brother's high school grad BBQ and I had told her I was applying to USC...she happened to come visit our house the day I got in...it was so cool to share that with more than my immediate family! While my financial aid package won't be here for a week or so...I am going to put down a deposit and hopefully I will be graced with a scholarship of some kind or at least student loans or work study (crossing my fingers for all of the above).

Either way...I am going to make it work! I can't wait to wear the USC sweatshirt..attend football games, audition for student films and just act...perform...in f-ing LOS ANGELES! I am studying while jump starting my acting career...what could be better?! I'm scared shitless but as all things seem to go...it will eventually come together!

I celebrated with a slumber party last night. Swung by work and got my paycheck...it was smaller than I thought it would be. :*( I hope they are going to get bigger and not smaller because I am not going to have ANY money for the fall! Then afterwards to raise my spirits Kaitlin and I sampled tea next door at the amazingly cool tea shop...bought some FRESH from the source tea leaves and got dinner. Then we went to the Lyric and journaled for a bit...then got into an odd funk because we were discussing insecurities and bad times in our lives and fear for our salaries and such...but we soon fixed it with some of that delicious jasmine tea and a list of happy things! So now I am in an odd mood...somewhere between content and anxious...but slowly easing into the content side. I told Kaitlin...we have to live in the NOW...we have to be able to enjoy the present moment...and not think so far in the future! Kaitlin told me American Idol season 9 is auditioning in Denver in July and it made me think and get anxious for some reason...while I want to audition so badly I am not ready yet...I want to be dynamite before I do that...I did not think it would be so soon before auditions came around...but I will just have to judge how I am feeling around then...I don't want anything to screw up my fall plans...and something like American Idol is so iffy anyway...you never know whats going to happen. I don't think I could handle the process right now and still don't feel confident that my singing abilities are the best that they could be...they aren't right now...I am getting better every day...maybe next season. What do you guys think...

So for now my babies I am going to try to refresh my mind of the recent success I have made and live life to the fullest...embracing my family and friends and working towards my fall in Los Angeles! I am going to visit the campus SOON...either way, although L.A. isn't the prettiest of cities I am going there for the opportunities not the geography...it is the hub of the film industry and close to the ocean and Disneyland...that is all I care about.