Revelations.

A weekend up in the mountains can do wonders for the head. Windex for the worries...completely cleansing the body of stress. Euphoria. Every time I go up to the mountains or immerse myself in nature I am completely astonished at how easy going I become. Going up to the cabin has its effect on me...that is certain. It also has the ability to bring upon revelations--emotionally and mentally. While lounging on a rather large rock on "Lake Davis", also known as "Lake Sunshine", I had many mini epiphanies. All of them seem like common sense...but for just a moment I actually felt content with my findings.

1. I worry too much. I am the happiest when I am completely unaware of my flaws or imperfections, or embrace them.

2. There is a fine line between obsessing/worrying too much and wanting to stay on top of things/be motivated.

3. I need to find the excitement in the fear. The pleasure in the failure. I often am worried about things which should be exciting and not horrifying or bad for my mental/physical health.

4. These should be the best years of my life. I need to stop over-analyzing everything and have fun. Throw the inhibitions to the wind and take advantage of my youth. Find something that scares me everyday and act on it...whether it is on a large or small scale. Work towards being fearless...

There were many other points that I came across in my time up in the mountains this weekend. But above all the one that really is a life changing one and sounds so simple is:

5. Live in the present, the now. DO NOT think about tomorrow, or the next week...because you may not be alive for the next week...but you are alive now and that is beautiful.

Revelation 2.

It seems to me that my logic shifts roughly every two weeks. One week I'm incredibly happy and the next I want to pack up my life and move to Australia. Such is the mind of a 20 year old. Everything seems so uneasy. Bipolar is not a condition...it is a part of life. It's funny though because my eyes were opened the other day. A complete revelation (kind of). By helping a friend in a semi-not really-but kind of close- situation as myself...I was able to not only give her advice, but also get the advice I needed from an unexpected source: myself.

I guess my biggest thing is finding confidence in myself. Realizing that I am a force to be reckoned with...but also a good guy...a good friend...good son, etc. I pride myself in being multi-dimensional and caring. Even with directors, friends, professors, etc telling me how "talented I am" or how much potential I have...or what not, I always seem to be overcome with a sense of doubt. Doubt in my abilities as an actor or even just in my abilities to be a good friend or family member. But then I realize that doubt can be a good thing. When it gets to the point that it clouds my inhibitions and artistic freedom...then it needs to end. But doubt is good because it is a reality check. It tests me. Forces to be stronger. Forces me to be more competitive and in the end a better performer and individual.

I am slowly but surely realizing that happiness is a journey not a destination. I know that what I truly want more than anything is to work successfully in film, television and stage. Shoot...I wouldn't even mind a chance at modeling just for fun. But these things are not going to happen overnight. I have to continue what I am doing. Life life day in and day out...try my damn hardest...put myself out there...train and continue to nourish my craft and then hopefully I will recieve something in return. Time. Time heals. Time makes and breaks things. In this circumstance I have a feeling time will be my best friend. I do need time. Time to develop as an actor. Time to develop physically...grow into the man I know I want to become. Right now I am in between. The mind of a man...the body of a boy.

I think today helped me tremendously with my current state of mind. Not only was it a spectacular summery spring day...but I was out...living. A couple friends and myself went up to the mountains and bathed in the sun as we hiked, ate Triskets and even layed out on giant boulders that were humbly placed in the river. I event tried crossing the river but ended at the bottom of it. Which... resulted in a half baked phone (no 4/20 pun intended). Speaking of 4/20...I think going to the mountains was the best remedy. I don't care if people smoke pot...however, I care when the city of Fort Collins shuts down an entire street because "Cheba Hut" is having a 4/20 party. Luckily, there were limited douches up amongst the trees and rivers. To me hiking is the best excercise. It doesn't even feel like you are doing a cardio work out...but really you are. For me working out always helps when I visualize a clear ending point...a destination. Such is life. Which is most likely why I have had and continue to occassionally have problems discussing my current state or the future. Because there isn't an exact line or direct path to where I want to be. I see the ending (through my eyes)...now getting to that high point will be one mind fuck of a ride. But the overall point is that whenever I experience such a beautiful day as the one I witnessed today I can't help but think of how lucky I am to be living. Granted I have a light sun burn, feel a little dehydrated and literally fell face forward into a raging river...but I feel refreshed somehow...and not fully content...but a step closer than I was yesterday.

No I haven't heard back from any of the universities yet. And I may not even for another month...but you know what I'm not going to let that get into my way. Whatever happens...acceptance or rejection...I am alive. I am 20. How exciting is that? I have the future in front of me...literally. Unless I am in a tragic accident (God willing that will hopefully not happen) I have a life in front of me. And I'm no baby any more. Even my mother acknowledged this the other night. I am growing up and I need to take the reins once again. If I don't get into USC or Chapman...I'm going to move to Los Angeles in the fall and start working at restaurant and start auditioning. Find an agent...and find the connections. All of the good stuff. At least I would be in the hub of the entertainment industry...and at least I would have a larger pond and therefore larger possibility of obtaining a day time job while I find acting work. I am ready to take chances. To make dreams happen. I'm done driving in the back seat. This is MY LIFE. Shoot...I'm even going to continue working out each day so that one day, hopefully, one day I can even be proud of strutting myself on the beaches of California.

P.S. I had the priviledge of watching "Teeth" the other night. Rent it. Watch it with your girlfriend, your boyfriend, your grandpa...your grandma...shoot even your parents. It is beauteous.

Revelation.

(Knock on wood) but I think my neurotic worrying is coming to a slow stop. After three months of being in this realm I call "limbo"...I have finally begun to realize that I will indeed be okay. While I am eager as ever to jump into the playing field and move to Los Angeles and ditch college...I know that this would be an unwise decision. Many of the actors and performers I idolize the most (Linney and Streep among them) had a strong collegiate education. Not to say that all actors need a college education, but in my case I think it would certainly help. I re-evaluated my goals and dreams as a performer and realized that college would not hurt my chances of becoming what I want to be. In fact, it may even benefit me more (with the networking and experiences I will have...wherever I end up). AND it is only two and a half more years...and then I will satisfy both my family and myself. AND THEN I can go on to become the performer I want to be without worrying if I can get a day/"survival" job because I don't have a degree.

The truth is...our world is becoming an (even more) intensely competitive environment. Everyone wants to be an actor and everyone needs a job. The standards are being risen...with college acceptance rates and I don't even want to think of the statistics of how many actor's are trying to find gigs or agents. Therefore, because of such circumstances found with this and the rotting economy, a degree is "vital" as President Obama said. While I have always had the mindset of a race horse at the gate, I think I need to give myself more time to develop both as an individual and as an actor. So many actors my age have decided to throw away a college education and just go to L.A. to become the next big star...unfortunately only 5% (approximately) actually find true success. And most youthful actors have sold their souls to the Disney or Nickelodeon corporations. Their careers are extremely strong but then fall quickly after a five year period. I don't want to be in that category...I want to be remembered. While this may sound absurd, I guess my biggest fear is that I would die or be caught in a serious accident before I was able to make it in show business. I know it sounds ridiculous. But then I thought about it. And you know what...there is a thing called fate. Everything happens for a reason. I still firmly believe in that. This hiatus from school has taught me many lessons about myself and my expectations. One of them being that I will NOT settle for anything less than my dreams. I re-iterate a quote from my last entry, "The day you let go of your dreams, is the day you let go of your life".

I will not only sacrifice anything for my dreams but I will make sure that one day they come true. Or in my eyes...I will see myself as a failure. But I have no worries. I have my dreams to set me on my way. I have the talent, drive and open mind. I have my faith to rely on. And I just need the patience to let me know that it is okay if it takes times time to reach those dreams. I know that I have so much to offer as an artist and individual and I know that someday (may not be tomorrow or next week)...but someday I will be known for my craft and for my contributions to this industry. Some day.

On a random note...I am excited because Ruth and I are embarking on an adventure tomorrow to Denver's Museum of Natural History. Going to see me some dinosaurs, watch an IMAX film and study the stars. I love adventures.