2009-04-20

Revelation 2.

It seems to me that my logic shifts roughly every two weeks. One week I'm incredibly happy and the next I want to pack up my life and move to Australia. Such is the mind of a 20 year old. Everything seems so uneasy. Bipolar is not a condition...it is a part of life. It's funny though because my eyes were opened the other day. A complete revelation (kind of). By helping a friend in a semi-not really-but kind of close- situation as myself...I was able to not only give her advice, but also get the advice I needed from an unexpected source: myself.

I guess my biggest thing is finding confidence in myself. Realizing that I am a force to be reckoned with...but also a good guy...a good friend...good son, etc. I pride myself in being multi-dimensional and caring. Even with directors, friends, professors, etc telling me how "talented I am" or how much potential I have...or what not, I always seem to be overcome with a sense of doubt. Doubt in my abilities as an actor or even just in my abilities to be a good friend or family member. But then I realize that doubt can be a good thing. When it gets to the point that it clouds my inhibitions and artistic freedom...then it needs to end. But doubt is good because it is a reality check. It tests me. Forces to be stronger. Forces me to be more competitive and in the end a better performer and individual.

I am slowly but surely realizing that happiness is a journey not a destination. I know that what I truly want more than anything is to work successfully in film, television and stage. Shoot...I wouldn't even mind a chance at modeling just for fun. But these things are not going to happen overnight. I have to continue what I am doing. Life life day in and day out...try my damn hardest...put myself out there...train and continue to nourish my craft and then hopefully I will recieve something in return. Time. Time heals. Time makes and breaks things. In this circumstance I have a feeling time will be my best friend. I do need time. Time to develop as an actor. Time to develop physically...grow into the man I know I want to become. Right now I am in between. The mind of a man...the body of a boy.

I think today helped me tremendously with my current state of mind. Not only was it a spectacular summery spring day...but I was out...living. A couple friends and myself went up to the mountains and bathed in the sun as we hiked, ate Triskets and even layed out on giant boulders that were humbly placed in the river. I event tried crossing the river but ended at the bottom of it. Which... resulted in a half baked phone (no 4/20 pun intended). Speaking of 4/20...I think going to the mountains was the best remedy. I don't care if people smoke pot...however, I care when the city of Fort Collins shuts down an entire street because "Cheba Hut" is having a 4/20 party. Luckily, there were limited douches up amongst the trees and rivers. To me hiking is the best excercise. It doesn't even feel like you are doing a cardio work out...but really you are. For me working out always helps when I visualize a clear ending point...a destination. Such is life. Which is most likely why I have had and continue to occassionally have problems discussing my current state or the future. Because there isn't an exact line or direct path to where I want to be. I see the ending (through my eyes)...now getting to that high point will be one mind fuck of a ride. But the overall point is that whenever I experience such a beautiful day as the one I witnessed today I can't help but think of how lucky I am to be living. Granted I have a light sun burn, feel a little dehydrated and literally fell face forward into a raging river...but I feel refreshed somehow...and not fully content...but a step closer than I was yesterday.

No I haven't heard back from any of the universities yet. And I may not even for another month...but you know what I'm not going to let that get into my way. Whatever happens...acceptance or rejection...I am alive. I am 20. How exciting is that? I have the future in front of me...literally. Unless I am in a tragic accident (God willing that will hopefully not happen) I have a life in front of me. And I'm no baby any more. Even my mother acknowledged this the other night. I am growing up and I need to take the reins once again. If I don't get into USC or Chapman...I'm going to move to Los Angeles in the fall and start working at restaurant and start auditioning. Find an agent...and find the connections. All of the good stuff. At least I would be in the hub of the entertainment industry...and at least I would have a larger pond and therefore larger possibility of obtaining a day time job while I find acting work. I am ready to take chances. To make dreams happen. I'm done driving in the back seat. This is MY LIFE. Shoot...I'm even going to continue working out each day so that one day, hopefully, one day I can even be proud of strutting myself on the beaches of California.

P.S. I had the priviledge of watching "Teeth" the other night. Rent it. Watch it with your girlfriend, your boyfriend, your grandpa...your grandma...shoot even your parents. It is beauteous.

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