I Did It!

I did it....I am going to USC!

I would have written a blog earlier...but as you could imagine I was far too excited! If you have been following my blog for a while...you understand how much this means to me!

Roughly a day and a half ago I got a beautiful red and gold packet from the University of Southern California welcoming me to the Trojan family. And my face looked something along the lines of this:

Granted this shot is posed by hey...nothing could re-enact the sheer euphoria that was pouring over my entire being. I had a slight feeling that I was accepted because I was able to login to the deposit site two days prior...which only admitted students are allowed to do...but I wanted to keep it hush hush in case I was rejected in the end and only ended up making a fool of myself! But in the end I felt like anything but a fool!

USC is a damn good school...the next best thing to Ivy League...I only say this because I am still shocked at the fact that I was able to get into such an established and rigorous University. What made me even more ecstatic was the fact that I was admitted to the Theatre Program (BA Track...which is what I wanted anyway). I have already gotten a taste of what a BFA program is like and found out that I need to be well rounded so that I am a well rounded performer and individual. With the BA track I will still be apart of the prestigious School of Theatre, be able to audition for a majority of the season's shows but also be able to study abroad and take theatre classes and non theatre classes. However, most importantly I will have more time to audition and find agents! NETWORK! NETWORK! NETWORK! BA or BFA it does not matter anyway. It is the experience and the connections made that DOES.

I know that the next two and a half (maybe three-ish) years studying in Los Angeles will be rigorous, scary, exciting and life changing. And you know what...that is exactly what I wanted. Even now...only two days after my acceptance I am beginning to get nervous...I am beginning to shake a little...but I know deep down that this would not have happened if it was not meant to be. As Oprah once said, "We can't become what we need to be by remaining what we are." I am feeling this. Hopefully it will be good. Out of everything though, getting into USC has shown me that I have the ability to stand out of 10,000 fellow applicants, which means I definitely have the ability to make it in the industry I want to be in so badly. Even though I always knew I could do it and know that I will be successful one day...sometimes it takes something like this to let the ones around you realize that you really CAN do anything you put your mind to.

I thought my parents would be "happy" for me...but never encourage me to attend the school itself. But boy have I been suprised. My mom always wanted me to go to an Ivy League school...and I told her it would be pointless to do such a thing in theatre...but this is the second best thing...they are completely supporting me with their hugs and love taps and kind words. I hugged my mom for a minute and a half today...just relieved and happy...I showed her that I'm back...and in action. I love my family so very much. My Auntie Gail was here last weekend for my brother's high school grad BBQ and I had told her I was applying to USC...she happened to come visit our house the day I got in...it was so cool to share that with more than my immediate family! While my financial aid package won't be here for a week or so...I am going to put down a deposit and hopefully I will be graced with a scholarship of some kind or at least student loans or work study (crossing my fingers for all of the above).

Either way...I am going to make it work! I can't wait to wear the USC sweatshirt..attend football games, audition for student films and just act...perform...in f-ing LOS ANGELES! I am studying while jump starting my acting career...what could be better?! I'm scared shitless but as all things seem to go...it will eventually come together!

I celebrated with a slumber party last night. Swung by work and got my paycheck...it was smaller than I thought it would be. :*( I hope they are going to get bigger and not smaller because I am not going to have ANY money for the fall! Then afterwards to raise my spirits Kaitlin and I sampled tea next door at the amazingly cool tea shop...bought some FRESH from the source tea leaves and got dinner. Then we went to the Lyric and journaled for a bit...then got into an odd funk because we were discussing insecurities and bad times in our lives and fear for our salaries and such...but we soon fixed it with some of that delicious jasmine tea and a list of happy things! So now I am in an odd mood...somewhere between content and anxious...but slowly easing into the content side. I told Kaitlin...we have to live in the NOW...we have to be able to enjoy the present moment...and not think so far in the future! Kaitlin told me American Idol season 9 is auditioning in Denver in July and it made me think and get anxious for some reason...while I want to audition so badly I am not ready yet...I want to be dynamite before I do that...I did not think it would be so soon before auditions came around...but I will just have to judge how I am feeling around then...I don't want anything to screw up my fall plans...and something like American Idol is so iffy anyway...you never know whats going to happen. I don't think I could handle the process right now and still don't feel confident that my singing abilities are the best that they could be...they aren't right now...I am getting better every day...maybe next season. What do you guys think...

So for now my babies I am going to try to refresh my mind of the recent success I have made and live life to the fullest...embracing my family and friends and working towards my fall in Los Angeles! I am going to visit the campus SOON...either way, although L.A. isn't the prettiest of cities I am going there for the opportunities not the geography...it is the hub of the film industry and close to the ocean and Disneyland...that is all I care about.


Live Long and Prosper.

Saw the new "Star Trek" movie finally. I have never watched an episode of the show or any of the movies so I was a Trekkie virgin. I LOVED it. My friends and even myself have determined that I am basically Spock. Hence the picture. Live well and prosper. Nighty!


Rainy Memorial Day.

I open the shop tomorrow so this bloggy is going to be a short one. I just returned from a rousing evening with the Eulbergs. Not only did we have a delicious dinner but we also played an appetizing card game for several hours...it was quite fun. Man do those people get into their cards! I love it...I think I am going to indoctrinate my own family in the way of serious card playing. There could have been nothing better to do this evening since it was pretty pathetic outside...meaning drowsy and rainy. Come on summer...I know you are out there...show yourself!

I have been working A LOT...which is tiring sometimes but an excellent way to make money. And with the hours I am working I will definitely have a fairly good chunk of money for the fall (if I save most of it...which I am planning on). Thank God I make tips...I live day to day on my tips. Speaking of fall...this week (hopefully) I will find out my final admissions status from University of Southern California (i.e whether I am accepted or rejected. Hopefully it is the first one). Give me your good vibes this week bloggers or bloggy readers! I will definitely need it. Yesterday at Evan's graduation barbecue I was amongst many relatives and all of them asked me what my plans are for the fall. I told them of my California schools and they wished me the best of luck. I played it off coolly but inside I was shaking...I am still shaking in my boots...right now these schools are my way out Colorado...well let me re-phrase...the only way my parents would support my move to California.

When it comes down to it...I know for a fact that I belong at either USC or Chapman. I have had a sturdy academic background (with the exception of 2 D's in high school), an expansive amount of activities, dedication, passion and professionalism with both school itself and acting. I didn't go to school this semester so I could work...and I have been working a lot...I feel like I am a damn good candidate...but I probably shouldn't be saying such things in case I get a small white envelope this week instead of a nice juicy red "Welcome" package. A very, very, very small part of me doesn't even want to see the rejection letter. I don't want to see another physical reminder of how I wasn't good enough for somewhere or someone. I would like to build up my confidence...not completely shatter. Everyone asked me what my plans were if I were rejected from both schools...and honestly the only thing I can think of now is moving out to L.A. and working...taking acting classes and auditioning...and perhaps re-applying to USC and surrounding schools like UCLA. Preferably I would like to see a positive letter/package this week since I have been waiting for six months...not to mention everyone in my life basically knows how much I want to go to USC and or Chapman...just to be in L.A. and work...and not receiving admission would be a huge let down for myself but also for others...although perhaps a huge financial relief for my parents. Also a huge relief for you bloggy readers...I myself am fed up with my constant doting on admissions statuses and such...but you have to put your place in my shoes...this is such a nerve wrecking process! I don't remember being this nervous during my senior year of high school! It probably doesn't help that I continue to read and comment on the USC admissions message board every time I log onto my computer.

It is a hard thing not knowing where the hell you are going to be in the fall. I know where I want to be...and I want to be there so badly...I just hope that my life and destiny agrees with what I want so very badly. Well I would expand on this bloggy but going to get some shut eye so I am not a complete zombie tomorrow at work. Night!



As I sat in the Moby Gym today...amongst hundreds upon hundreds of families, friends and students...I was instantly transported to two years ago. The blue cap and gowns...the honor chords, sashes...everything. Singing "Seasons of Love" from Rent and "The River" by Garth Brooks. Squeezing a friend's hand so I wouldn't tear up during "Seasons of Love". Sitting next to 600 plus students who looked just as funny as me in their cap and gowns. Being partitioned off from the other 500 or something students because I was in I.B. Seeing the teachers and Mrs. Lundt in their rather Harry Potter esque robes and sashes. It was magical. And today...everything came full circle. Besides the fact that Rocky Mountain High School's graduation took almost triple the time it took for Poudre's...I still basked in the familiar surroundings. As soon as the band cued up for "Pomp and Circumstance" I wanted to be walking with them. Graduation and the times that followed before and after were some of the best times in my entire life. I felt vital. I felt intense and talented. I felt so focused and so intelligent. I felt proud of my success...of my family and of my friends. I felt loved. And as I sat in the audience this time around...I finally felt the time gap. Two years. My goodness it has been two whole years since I graduated high school...I have to get into the rhythm of things again..I can't wait any longer to pursue my dreams or what I want in life. Life is too short.

Sitting down in the Moby Gym confirmed my desire to receive a collegiate degree. Yes in theatre since that is my career and passion. But perhaps minor in something like English...or something accessible...that expands my wittle mind. In two (ish) years...if everything goes as planned...I will once again be marching proudly to "Pomp and Circumstance" with a degree in theatre in my hand. I'm so anxious to get back to school...I forgot how much I missed it. I had a rather pleasant high school experience and from what I experienced in my first year and a half in college I also enjoyed college. I guess my anxiety to get into the real world and just make movies and be on stage got in the way of what is truly important...training. Training, training and education. This is a gift to the actor. Actor Charles Nelson Reilly once said, "In my day we did something that is now unheard of in the acting world...we studied the craft". I don't want to be a stupid actor.

Anyhoo...before I get into a day long rant...my USC online status just changed yesterday (5/23) to "your application is being reviewed by the admissions committee...." which is the last status update before a decision is sent out via mail. So next week I will find out my fate...if I am meant to be a Trojan or no...I hope it's the first one. I am super nervous.

See that's my nervous face. That's also my...I'm lying on my bed and there is a giant ass spider crawling on my ceiling face.

I won't find out from Chapman for another three weeks....which I was never expecting. Either way right now is an interesting time for me. Between leading shifts as a shift manager at Ben and Jerry's and seeing family and friends and worrying about the fall and college...life is fine. Just fine. Speaking of family...I always love it when my family comes to town or vice versa. My Slovak side of the family are so adorable...the other side too but I was brought up amongst the Slovak side more...I love them so very much. Everything about them.

Tonight I was driving with a friend in the car when one of her tire's popped...thanks to a half broken beer bottle...probably from a graduation party...but regardless...after fiddling in the dark for an hour my Dad saved the day and fixed the tire situation in fifteen minutes. What a hoss. But yes. This is life right now. Graduation weekend, work, schools, life...friends and family...oh and summer. I forgot how much I love summer. Besides the rainy day today...I love the feel and warmth I get from a beautiful summer's day. I have a lot of different things planned for the next three months...I am sure I will add more every day. But for now...bed is sounding really good...goodnight world, see you in the morning.


You know what...I thought I would absolutely despise the new series on Fox..."Glee"...partially because I think Matthew Morrison is one of the biggest douches actor wise...but after watching the pilot I am pleasantly suprised. They do a great job of casting people who really can sing but also showing the genuine truth of what it is like to be in musical theatre/show choir in a high school. While I am already in love with some characters and despise a majority of the others...I still am liking this show. I think it is for anyone who remembers high school but more for musical theatre buffs like myself. I could do without Morrison and the occassional misplaced and mis-cast actor but besides that I think this is a show that will gain a huge fan base.

On another note...I wish I was in Los Angeles right now so I could somehow find a loophole and audition for the series. I seriously belong on this show. "Glee" is an example of the kind of projects I will probably and hopefully get cast in when I find my nitch in Hollywood...(crossing fingers).


Just Fine.

So...this is going to be a quickie. No...not that kind of quickie...this is a relatively CLEAN blog. But anyhoo babies...life is fine. Just fine. Yes...still fine...not bad in any means...but not AS good as it could be...but that doesn't mean that its not good or great. I think summer brings a lot of great emotions honestly. The weather (with the exception of today's cloudy day) just oozes warmth and happiness. Nothing like lying down on a field of grass or hammock as the sun dozes off behind Old Town Square. Staying up late with friends...sharing stories and laughter...sleep overs. All of it. Work...everything...it is simply grand. And yes, I didn't have to deal with a semester of college this past semester...but I dealt with life, which can sometimes be harder. Sometimes the hardest thing is free time...pondering things can sometimes be a dangerous thing. The tool to one's demise even. The key is stopping...taking a deep breath and opening your eyes. No matter where you are there is beauty everywhere. Whether it was in front of Lake Michigan at twilight on a run or in the middle of Old Town Fort Collins laughing with ice cream in hand...beauty is to be seen...everywhere.

We live in a thriving world. Even though it does not seem like it sometimes...this world is home to life. LIFE...always growing, always changing and always challenging LIFE. Anyone who is bored has not resorted to all of their options. Do something scandalous...go skinny dipping...run through city park screaming something obscene. In this world we do seem to rely on the company of our friends or family or others in general...but the thing is...we answer to ourselves at the end of the day. We are the masters of our destiny (I am aware I have used this phrase many times before...but its so true). If we don't like something we have the ability to change course. If we realized we made a mistake we have the ability to go back...and in sometimes we aren't able to right then and there...but eventually our paths lead us back. Just because I don't see my Chicago friends every day doesn't mean that I don't love them any less (and hopefully vice versa). Friendships are friendships and any decent friend will maintain the bond. In retrospect...I am aware of how grumpy and annoying I was whenever I spoke with my friends...especially the one's I cared for. I'm embarrassed of my behavior but that was the past...this is the present and presently I am an individual who has grown immensely from his mistakes and mishaps. We would not grow any other way...would we? Yes I am not able to go back to Roosevelt...but I'm not barred from visiting the school or the city...or my friends. Yes I am still in the dark with my California schools...but whatever happens will happen for a reason.

Realizing this is the hardest part. That life moves on. That decisions are made...sometimes we can't do anything about them...but we have to move on. We can't stay paralyzed on a square...this is not a board game. You can't be weak or you will crumble. There are so many people in this planet...so many things to do...just because a friend doesn't respond via text or Facebook DOES NOT mean they don't care. I was thoroughly relieved when I recently spoke with my friend Karissa. People can be ridiculous when they obsess about things. I am such a person. I always obsessed about the things that weren't in my control. I always expected every single one of my friends to pay heed to my wants and needs. To be there for me. They were...they just weren't able to talk on the phone or couldn't text me right then and there. While there was a slight change in the way I spoke with Karissa...simply because of time...we were still the same people when it came down to it. The people that are important to you will stick with you throughout your entire life and I thoroughly believe this of many of my Chicago friends. School is school...but it is four years. 2.5 years from now I am sure we will all meet up and perhaps even live in the same city. AND SCHOOL WILL NOT SEGREGATE US! Besides, I am surrounded with great friends here in Colorado as well. And hopefully, come fall, I will be met with new faces and new potential friends.

Life is so unpredictable...but it is this very fact that makes it so orgasmic. Life is never constant...and when it is...that is when it gets boring. And like I said...I try not to do boring. So to answer the question of how I am...yes...I am just fine.

Guess this entry was not as quick as I thought it would be...I have yet to journal today so all of my thoughts were just oozing out of my pores I suppose. Goodnight world...see you in the morning.


Goodnight Moon.

I had a very long day. I worked from 10-5 then had dinner with my friend Tegan and then explored with Kaitlin. The exhaustion finally caught up with me. I was promoted as a shift manager or leader at Ben and Jerry's so I was training today. At dinner Tegan asked me amidst a very sunny, warm and beautiful Colorado day, "How are you?" And for the first time in long time I responded, "You know what...I'm just fine". JUST FINE. Never thought I would hear those words coming out of my mouth any time soon. Granted, it is too soon to judge what is going to happen come fall or if I will even get into my California schools...but one thing is sure...things are rolling. I'm making money and I am doing something with my time. I am being productive. It feels good. I just received my second pay check from Hollister (four months later)..a grand total of $26.90 (for roughly 20 hours of work)...what schmucks. I make much more than that in half a shift at Ben and Jerry's...AND have fun while working...imagine that! Hollister is pathetic. Which is why i quit when I did.

I have begun journal-ing again, which is probably why I haven't had anything to write about on this blog...but I like blogging...my friend Kaitlin reminded me that I hadn't blogged in a while...so I figured I would write an entry. Speaking of Kaitlin...we adventured to Boulder tonight. To my surprise and unlike the city of Fort Collins, there are still some businesses that are open at 10:30 pm on a Monday night. In fact, one of them was a very cool Bookshop connected to a very sweet smelling coffee shop. At this coffee shop we indulged in some sensual poetry and dream interpretations. Then walked about Pearl Street watching cracked out homeless men sing about their "calcium deficiencies"...we walked in the other direction. I determined that people don't really care about staring down other people...everyone is in their own little world in Boulder. I like that. Very much.

Kaitlin and I talked about everything as we sat amongst the starry and warm summer like night in Boulder, Colorado. We talked about the future, our plans and our wants. I'm trying not to panic about the fall. I'm trying to maintain my composure...but I am not quite sure I am doing a good enough job. I think everyone knows that I will shit my pants if I don't get into USC or Chapman. I don't necessarily expect to get into USC...but hopefully Chapman at the least. It is not like I am not an intellectual performer. Just cause I got 2 D's in high school does NOT mean I am not adequate enough to attend their "elite school". I'm an actor for God's sakes. I am willing to give your institution money...large amounts of it (with loans)...and I have so much to give...why would you not want me? Oh look at me now...sounding all desperate...well let's face it. I am. I don't envision myself roaming the campus of Colorado University anytime soon. I really don't. All things happen for a reason, and I just pray and pray and pray and pray that I belong in California...cause then I have to wait another semester until I find a school I truly like and am accepted into. So here's to hoping for the best. If you read my blog and know who I am...or don't know who I am...maybe you are one of those creepies who ready my blog but never post comments...what have you...please send out your good vibes in my direction...I would appreciate it.

In other news, I was thinking of going back to Roosevelt and CCPA...but like everything is supposed to happen for a reason...it is not going to work out, and I think this is a good thing. I truly do. While it does bother me to see pictures of my friends posted all over Facebook having fun without me and what have you...life goes on. They will be at that school for two more years and then they will be out in the real world. Not going to the same school as them anymore does not mean that I don't get the opportunity to be their friend still. That is far from the truth. I was worried of late that my absence effected the way my good friends saw me or thought of me. And I am sure it has slightly...but I have faith that we will stay in touch. I know we will. I was so happy to finally hear from one of my good friends that was too busy to talk for so long...I had no idea how many exciting things were happening to her...but it was just good to talk and catch up in a brief half hour before both of us had to return to our jobs or errands. I miss her and all of my friends from the conservatory so very much...but I am on a mission and on an adventure. People are rooting for me and want to see me succeed and be happy...both as an actor and an individual. I can't make my decisions because of my friends...I need to be strong...people and professors respect me for this journey I am embarking on.

Lastly...Colorado is warming up...we had a heat wave today...and it is supposed to get hotter tomorrow...personally I am kind of feeling some skinny dipping at some remote lake tomorrow. It is so freeing...skinny dipping...private lakes too I suppose. Well I'm going to go journal now and fall asleep to some sweet music I just downloaded. Goodnight moon. Goodnight world.


A Proposition for Allison Harvard.

NOOOOO Allison totally should have won! I guess I just outed myself as an ANTM fan. From the first moment I saw this quirky yet sultry lady I knew she would make it to at least the top three. This Luna Lovegood look alike (Harry Potter reference) is so damn cute. I would truly like to sit down with her over lunch...discuss life...maybe have her draw me a couple works of art. She is an artist you know! And she is from one of my favorite cities in the United States of America...New Orleans...or Nawlins...as I like to call it. I think the best thing about her is the fact that she seems so down to earth and quiet...which I really like. Yet she can still bust out an awesome photo. SO Allison, if you somehow can manage to read this entry...lets set up a lunch date or something! I will fly to wherever...now I'm sounding desperate. But seriously...with your modeling skills and artistic skills and my acting slash model potential we will rule Hollywood...and maybe the world!



LOST! WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT!? Juliet best be coming back next season! She best. I have no idea what is going to happen! Are they alive, are they dead? Are they on the island or are they off of it?!! WAA!? I must say what an excellent two hours...and what an even better ending! I hate/love cliff-hangers, and this was sure one! On the flip side...I loved seeing Rose for five minutes. Glorious.

Oh...and this is the 100th post! Woo hoo!


Help a Brotha Out...

Dear Jesus,

I know you are busy with all of the world's problems...persecutions, Iraq and such...but please take some time out for me. I know I always ask you for so much...a happy and thriving family and future...a healthy life...friends...yada yada...but I have a different request. I know you are a very fine guy and I was wondering if you could please let me get into University of Southern California or Chapman University (with scholarships or financial aid). Both would be magnificent to get into but I will take getting into either one. I know you can't make the decision for the admissions people...but perhaps bribe them with Jesus love or something of that sort. Please. I would really appreciate it! I was an altar boy for several years Jesus...if you remember. I've done my time.

I cannot wait to get back into the game. Start all over...build friendships and connections. I never thought I would be at this point in my life...but I am...and I hope something comes from my hard work and risky step towards a new beginning and environment. I pray and hope it will all come together. I really do. I am not looking down at CU...but I just need to get out...there are no opportunities that exist for me here in Colorado. I never thought myself as a California person but I know there is the possibility of a fast paced and exciting life out there. I know what I want in life and I know that I have to take chances in order to achieve it. An old path I thought I could use has been blocked off from me and I think it is a good thing. It would have only hindered me in my progression. I took a chance for a reason. Fortune favors the brave after all. Right?

Love You,

Come on Jesus...help a brotha out!



My head is pounding. That is the first thing I notice as I begin to write my blog. My stomach aches...but in the "I'm scared to go on that roller coaster" way. I have recently returned from a lovely day in Denver with the Momma and family...it is mother's day. I love my Momma. We went to the Denver Art Museum...which we all thoroughly enjoyed...and then had a great mother's day dinner at, "Gumbos"...a delightfully delicious Cajun restaurant in the heart of Denver. What a great meal it was...I am still stuffed. But yet I feel the butterflies. That infamous retching feeling you get in your stomach when you are about to go on a stage. It is happening again.

Behind all of this is an immense wad of confusion. Perhaps I will be less nervous when I actually know what is going to happen come fall. But as a friend said, "revel in the unknown". I can partially enjoy this statement. The unknown, while frightening, always contains an element of excitement. But as I said to myself the other day...amidst a solo dance party..."I am the master of my destiny!" It's true you know. That is the beauty of life. You have the ability to change the future...you have the ability to weasel out of a sticky situation. This being said, no matter how much you change your course, your destiny is hovering over you. And hopefully, just hopefully you will be lead down the right path to your destiny...even if you have to go back to your original destination or change your course and head in the opposite direction.

Currently I am amidst a giant map of my life. I see all of the places I have lived...Vermont, Louisiana, Idaho, Colorado, Chicago...and I see all of the places I want to be...and somewhere amongst this map is a thin line called "my future". I can't really see where it is heading. That is the point about the future. You can only know so much about what is to come. That is why it is called life. That is why we go through painful things...things we don't expect...because it is all apart of life. As I write I can think of three options for the fall...even though I have yet to receive notification from my California schools.

That aside, I see a comfort zone...a location that is not too far away from my house, my family and my roots. It would be easier...but opportunities would be sparse for several years. Then I see another location...one that only exists in my dreams. One that could potentially have really great connections and opportunities...but is over populated and risky. Then the third possible location is one I thought I would never re-trace over. I know I left it for some reason...but it is calling me ever so quietly. Whispering in my ear. Regardless of what path I decide to take...it will be complicated. It will be hard and it will be a challenge I have to surpass. But I chose this the minute I decided to left. The minute I said to myself...I need time off. I need a break. I did that to myself. I knew I would be making things complicated. And yes...I could just walk off to Los Angeles and by some slight possibility land something big...but I don't want to take my chances just yet without a degree. I told myself and my family a long time ago that I would get a degree. I owe it to myself.

Maybe it all comes down to the fact that I need to realize you can't always be happy. There is always going to be a downfall. But you need to find happiness wherever you may be. "Happiness is a journey not a destination". And "The great opportunity is where you are. Every place is under the stars. Every place is the center of the universe." Right? I just need to look at this with the glass have full. I realize it is kind of hard to see through this when most of my friends are now juniors in college and I am still a second semester sophomore. Blurg. But you can't change the past. You just can't. Maybe I'm afraid to leave my family again...in case something happens. There are so many things I am afraid of. But I can only pray and hope that God will keep a watchful eye on me, the people and the organisms in my life.

Another thing to be learned...the grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side. I thought a semester off would be glorious. I learned from that. It has been great...and not so great...it has been an experience. Life is an experience. Whether it is good or bad...it is an experience. I just need to be sure that I don't go back to a situation I tried to previously escape without fully evaluating the side effects of such a decision.

All that I can do is wake up each day...thank the Lord I am alive and do something with the gifts and body that I have been given. Make a change. Even if it just in one person. A smile. A friendly gesture...extra sprinkles on an ice cream cone at work...anything. I am an instrument. I'm not going to go to waste...I'm going to thrive. Not just survive...thrive.

Wow...that was long.

Happy Mama's Day...I'm going to go give my Momma a hug right now. Peace.


My Current State...

Perhaps the plans have changed...

The Call.

Regina Spektor Pictures, Images and Photos
It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word

And then that word grew louder and louder
'Til it was a battle cry

I'll come back
When you call me
No need to say goodbye

Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it's never
Been this way before

All you can do is try to know
Who your friends are
As you head off to the war

Pick a star on the dark horizon
And follow the light

You'll come back
When it's over
No need to say good bye

You'll come back
When it's over
No need to say good bye

Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and no one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it too
Doesn't mean that you have to forget

Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
'Til they're before your eyes

You'll come back
When they call you
No need to say good bye

You'll come back
When they call you
No need to say good bye


my milkshake.

random tid bits.

a. i am convinced that my soul or inner being consists of a giant black gospel choir
b. i eat cereal like no ones business
c. the kid catcher from "chitty chitty bang bang" still haunts me...
d. ice cream is my vice
e. recently i was asked if i was interested in background work in the film "Step Up 3D"...(unfortunately) I was not in New York for the audition
f. i don't know when...i don't know how...but you will see me on the big screen or television someday
g. when no one is home i belt my face off...and dance like no one's business
h. broadway diva frenchie davis is my friend on facebook...we often chat
i. i have this odd fascination with carol channing
j. no matter how hard i try...i can never maintain a tan
k. give me a book and a nice day and i'm happy
l. navy pier is still one of my favorite places in the world
m. i can't workout with other people. pump up the jams and i'm good
n. clay animation freaks my freak out

o. if you don't know what pot psychology is...or who dan savage is...google them now
p. i can do an awesome imitation of Wanda Sykes
q. i have written to Ellen DeGeneres at least 8 times
r. i think everything is over diagnosed and over medicated
s. cheese.
t. whenever i'm down...i blast mika's cd...i know every lyric word for word
u. i am related to royalty by marriage. prince william is my second couzin what what
v. i hope to shoot a film, television show or be in a show abroad someday
w. i have a fascination with australia
x. i want to host my own talk shot like oprah or ellen someday in my career.
y. everyone seems to hate her but i am in love with tyra banks.
z. ain't nothing like skinny dipping in the ocean


I Heart Beyonce.


That is all I have to say.
I love you.
"Obsessed" was beautiful. You made the movie.
You are so classy, so bootylicious and so talented.
Please make more movies...and please let me be in them with you!



Ryan Gosling is Pretty Pimp.

Observe. A dear friend sent me this link.

DEAD MAN'S BONES - "NAME IN STONE" from biz3 publicity on Vimeo.

Why Should I Worry?!

So you know how sometimes you make decisions for yourself. You think you are 100% positively correct. You know the answers...you know where you are going. Well I can't say that I am sticking with my gut. I can't say that I made the right decision. I am sure when I think back to what made me decide what I decided to do it seems like it was the appropriate choice. But now...month after month I am beginning to see the aftermath of my decision. Yes I understand my life is not bad...but it is not particularly good either. Perhaps the hardest part about not being in Chicago anymore is the city, the people and the training. When I think long and hard about Roosevelt...it definately had its ups...but it also had its downs. I guess the only reason I am beginning to mourn my past there is because I can't see my friends there as often as I did. I haven't seen them for five months in fact. That is a long time. And up until now I have been surviving off the fact that I care for them deeply and that they care for me as well. It is just difficult because conservatory life is stressful. Emotionally and physically and even mentally. SO friendships can usually maintain strong if you are physically present. The first four months were successful in my talks with my friends...even if it was a thirty minute skype date...it meant the world to me. But now with the year coming to an end...and facebook pictures being posted I am beginning to reminisce about the great friends I had at Roosevelt and how much it kills me that I can't be there with them.

I have wonderful friends here in Colorado...don't get me wrong. But something about not seeing myself in those pictures with some of my greatest friends really gets me down. So then I begin to freak out and think...did I make a mistake? What the hell am I doing?! Stupid Braden. Stupid. I should have gone in debt and stayed the rest of the semester...get more of the training that I so craved and desired. But then I take a double take and think...no...I can't do it. I know this is happening for a reason right now. I just wish that I felt that the connection with my friends was as strong as it was. I always find it sad when really strong friendships begin to get washed over because of time away from one another. I know that they love me as much as I love them...and I know they are busy. I'm just being stupid...like usual...and worrying too much. But hey you don't worry about the people you don't care for. I care about them so very much. So when I leave a couple messages and don't ever receive a response it kind of hurts. But there are only so many times you can bring this up to your friend before they start getting defensive and annoyed.

I have learned a lot about myself during this time. And sadly my friends in Chicago only seem to hear the negative. But I assure the world...my family and even myself...all things happen for a reason. This is going to lead me to something. To somewhere. I have a passion, I have a drive and I have a dream...time will only tell where I am needed...where I should be. Shoot...maybe I need to go back to Chicago. I don't know. All I can say is that I am feeling rather blurg like right now. But hey...tomorrow is a new day. I work..I'm making money so that I can do something come fall and I am alive...I have to remind myself this constantly. Then I will be okay. But you know what...stress and worry is my enemy. They do not do anything to help me! They don't give me a helping hand...they don't make life easier. I have to rely on what I know and on my faith...for a better future.