Help Me.

I'm tired of being all talk and no walk. I hate it when people look at me like I'm crazy when I tell them I want to be an actor. Those who support me want the best for me and everyone else is just in the way. I always make the mistake of sharing certain things with my parents. While they are supportive. They are not supportive of not going to college and getting a degree. Something so stupid and minuscule--literally a piece of paper. That is all they want and care about. If it were up to them I would be in school right now. That was the deal, I leave Roosevelt for a college where I study and get a flipping degree. Which is what I thought was the plan...and now, all of a sudden I am beginning to want other things. You only live once. You have this life to do something, to fulfill your dreams. And I don't feel like I am doing that right now. I'm not...that is the truth. I'm in northern Colorado...where yes, I have some great companions and friends but it is not doing anything for me. It does not make me entirely happy and it does not fulfill any of my artistic desires. And at the same time, it seems I continue to fill people's ears with notions that I am being brave and leaving school and going to Los Angeles, when in reality I am here...in Fort Collins, Colorado. You can either take a chance and go to Los Angeles or New York and pursue your career as an actor...and spend years building your reputation, or you can live a life that is not particularly fulfilling and wish that you had done something. And it seems that I am stuck somewhere in between the middle. I will be blatantly honest when I say my parents are holding me back. I get it. They want me to actually make money in my life...they want me to have a good career. But what they don't get is NONE OF THAT IS IMPORTANT TO ME.

The only people that understand this notion of not needing anything but a career in acting or performing are other actors themselves. There is no back up plan...and yes I can imagine that seems scary to someone who is not involved in the theatre because they constantly hear that over and over again from starving artists. "I don't need a back up plan". It does not help that everyone and their sister calls themselves a struggling actor in Los Angeles. It makes it a little harder to imagine someone like myself actually achieving what some of the actors last night have. But I am tired of not being taken seriously. Not truly being accepted as a good actor. Yes, I have my growing to do as a person and as an artist, but no one is perfect at the age of twenty. If everything goes as planned, I will have an entire life ahead of me. Yes, I can go back to college for three years again and finish up school and THEN pursue my career...but who knows if I will be wanted then. The point is...I am torturing myself thinking of what could be. I'm torturing myself thinking about what would of come from that film audition in NYC if I was given more time to fly to NYC to audition. The little things. They get me. This "Stewie" audition tape...being in the dark, not knowing what they thought, if they even looked at it. It is all apart of the job, but frankly right now I am not exactly a working actor. I've got to get out. I have got to get out of this Colorado bubble...it is driving me crazy. Maybe my time won't come for ages, but I will never know if I don't try. I wish it was as simple as having a connection that could bring me to instant recognition, but I don't really. I was not born into infamy. I was not born into the most stunning body either. I am unique, but not in the best of ways...it will most likely take time for me to grow into my own skin. But I want that time to come soon. I am so eager. I am opening my hands and heart and screaming for someone to see the talent and drive in me. HELP ME!

As promised, I included Kate Winslet's acceptance speech...it spoke directly to me. I used to do the whole shampoo bottle thing.

The Oscars. (After Thoughts...)

The Oscars. WOW. I was pleasantly surprised at how endearing they were. With the exception of Zanessa, or whoever the hell they think they are...I was taken a back at how accurate most the awards were. First and foremost, Kate Winslet did it! FINALLY. After six nominations she actually won, in what I think was a well deserved award. And Sean Penn...I love the fact that he won! Definitely thought it would slip through his fingers and go to Rourke but am so glad that the ball bounced back into his court. And while I may not be the biggest fan of "Slumdog Millionaire" I am glad to see that it has garnered so much attention and response from the public and the Academy. This year has definitely proven the point that anything can happen. I was also a huge fan with the way the acting awards were presented this year. I found it amazing how each actress/actor was individually recognized for their great acting work. I also liked the fact that the great actors and actresses before them introduced each actor or actress...what a dream. The whole thing just seemed so ridiculously intangible. And the musical numbers (Bollywood infusion and John Legend...what could be better?!).

I was however, taken a back by the enforcement of musical theatre on the show. I have never seen a host sing as much as Hugh Jackman did. And who in the world let Zanessa on the flipping stage! That was honestly my biggest problem with the whole ceremony. You do not let Miley Cyrus, Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens into such a prestigious ceremony. Not only that, but you do not let them sing an excerpt from "High School Musical 3" and you do not let them present either! What were they thinking?! I love the Oscars because it brings the best of the best in film (from across the globe) and sits them down in one giant theatre. Zanessa and Miley Cyrus do NOT belong there. Plain and simple. And what frightened me even more was when Vanessa Hudgens said something on the red carpet like, "Hopefully we will be back and be nominated next time (giggle giggle)". Really?! Correct me if I am wrong, but I don't think anyone that has ever won an Oscar was spawned into show business from the Disney Channel. There is a difference between celebrity status and true and raw talent. Such talent only belongs to those like Sean Penn and Kate Winslet. I honestly couldn't think of two better actors. Winslet has NEVER truly been trained and while Penn is a little intense he is damn good at his craft. I strive to be a combination of the two.

Another thing that really got me this year, was how emotional I got. Whether it was Health Ledger's family accepting the award for him or certain acceptance speeches, I was a well of tears. I guess the Oscars always strike a familiar chord in my body...a desire of mine. I'm going to post Winslet's speech as soon as they put it up on YouTube (probably tomorrow) but as soon as she started talking about pretending to use shampoo bottles as the Oscar award and making fake acceptance speeches in the bathroom mirror when she was a little girl...something clicked. I totally remember doing that when I first saw my first Oscars around the age of six or seven...and to be honest, I think I still do that. My faith has been restored. It IS possible. So I haven't gotten my first movie yet, but I am only 20. Not everyone can book their first intense film role at the age of 17 (we aren't all Kate Winslets). But I will strive to be. A Penn and a Winslet. And the funny thing is that both of them had an idea that they would one day find their place in this industry. And I have that faith as well. It is more than faith, it is an internal knowledge. I know it will happen. And I pray that it will happen. But for now I can only dream.

To wrap up my Winslet rant, I think I find her so fascinating because of the way she has developed her career. She has rejected thousands of scripts because they did not fulfill her artistic endeavors. She takes a year off or more between each project she does (which is why she does not have the longest resume) but each project she undertakes has a certain and special meaning to her. Not every actor can say that. She also admitted that not even until her last two films (Revolutionary Road and The Reader) that she maybe, felt like an actress...and she emphasized the maybe. I love it. An un-trained beauty. Is that not the case though. with most actors these days? Usually most of the successful actors we see at such awards shows as the Oscars were born with this gift and don't truly feel comfortable calling themselves "actors" because they are always learning. As Meryl once said, "Your first movie will be mediocre. And then you will continue to grow...but it gets harder." I love it. I have included a short video from the backstage "Thank You" camera after Winslet's speech...she seems just as lovable as shoes does on screen.

So now as the clock strikes 11:59 and Monday is almost here, I will begin my preparations for bed. I can only imagine the ruckus they call Los Angeles right now. The glamorous after parties at Elton Johns, Princes, Madonna and Demi Moore's, Vanity Fair...it is like an alternative universe. The whole experience. But, it is an experience I one day dream to be a part of. The work begins now...

Lastly, backstage Kate Winslet said, "You just don't think that these dreams that seem so silly and so impossible could ever really come true." And look what happened...they did come true. She is honestly a testament for what can come out of big dream, a big heart/ambition and some talent. I admire her wholeheartedly and am inspired by her. One day. One. Day.

The Oscars.

So...I am supremely jealous right now. One of my good friends is visiting home this weekend. Home happens to be LOS ANGELES, California. And what weekend is this...the weekend of the flipping OSCARS! Only the highest goal of mine ever...to go to them, walk the red carpet, be nominated, what have you. So this friend of mine happens to have a brother working for the Oscars...oh it gets better. Apparently she just got asked to be a page for the Emmy's?! FYI (I hope you don't mind me sharing your story friend who will remain unnamed). Of course she is telling me this all over text while my phone is off and I am watching "Rachel Getting Married" (by the by sooooo good and very intense). And then I call her phone back and she doesn't answer...as she is probably sleeping right now. I just had to share my excitement with someone, as she is not answering. But isn't that cool?! I am so happy for her! What a dream...all I can say is that I wish I were in Los Angeles...right now. Yes, I realize this is not logical, but if i had the money I would totally buy a red eye ticket to Los Angeles. But since that is not possible, I will only imagine what it would be like to stroll on the premises of the Kodak theatre...or wherever they have the awards ceremony. Instead, I will humbly watch the Oscars on my television screen like the rest of the world...perhaps with a few friends.



A picture text (unnamed) friend sent me via phone...Look at Oscar's backside.

The Oscars. Wow. Such a bittersweet subject for me. Sweet because I hope to one day be invited to such a ceremony...and bitter because I'm not there. As Tina Fey would say, "I want to go to there". Seriously. I just joined Twitter and I am following a couple celebs (Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore are among them). And the entire day they were filling their sites with statuses of these grand parties they are hosting with Madonna. I mean it just seems so surreal to me, that these things actually happen. Tomorrow, the city of Los Angeles will be buzzing with fancy tuxes and beautiful gowns...not to mention every limousine will be rented out. The stars will make their appearances on the red carpet and awards will be given out. And post Oscar party upon post Oscar party will add to the excitement. What a life right?! Yes many actors and actresses are honored with invitations, but not all of them can attend the award show. There are many television stars that will not make an appearance and many other film actors who will not as well. Only a select few actors, actresses, directors, producers, writers etc (in this case half a thousand or more) will show up for the ceremony. Oh to be in that select V.I.P. club. The Oscars are a reminder of how much I have to work to get to there. You definitely have to do more than stroll in the park to be awarded such an opportunity. And the thing is, sometimes some of the best actors who are in television are not honored with an invitation to the Oscars because of the focus on film. It is a one of a kind awards show because it is so revered and focused on...by the world it seems.

Now, I am NOT advocating the celebrity obsession side of the Oscars, which is really hard to avoid. I DO advocate for the Oscars in the way that they (usually) present actors with the honors they usually deserve. This year, above a lot of previous years, I feel that the talent shown in film was just breath-taking. "Rachel Getting Married" is just one of the many examples of the fierce and raw work that is being put out there. Kate Winslet, Meryl Streep, Anne Hathaway...all of these actors and more have pulled their weight this year and deserve recognition. But the downfall of such an award ceremony is the masturbatory feeling it creates. Since I was a wee little boy I remember curling up to the television set whenever the Emmy's or Oscars were on. Every year as I grew older my desire to be sitting in the television screen grew more and more intense. Although my parents would always look down upon it slightly because they felt it was blowing unnecessary steam up the actors asses. Listening to the long winded acceptance speeches, etc. I slightly agree. It does in a way. BUT, unfortunately that is what Hollywood has become. While the ceremony itself is honoring the art of acting and film, the buzz and obsession with the "stars" (thanks to the paparazzi and media) has become almost too overwhelming. They are normal people. Just like you and me. Not all of us can act, but being an aspiring actor myself, I know that all of those actors that will be sitting in that room tomorrow are there for a reason. Either from being born into stardom or knowing someone in the business or just luck--being seen by the right person, at the right time. And thus, this is why the Oscars are bittersweet to me. I have loved them since I could remember, because it reminds me of what I want to be working towards. However, as I grow older I am becoming less and less patient and just want to be able to be there right now. This is something I have to work on myself.

In other news, I just finished a video audition for an Adam McKay film "Stewie". I am always iffy with video auditions because I never quite know if the casting directors/directors actually saw the video. It is also hard because you cannot judge their impressions of the audition since you can't actually watch the video with them. Regardless, it was another audition for a feature film and it is something I can say I have done as an actor. I was asked to submit a video when I submitted a headshot and resume to the agency. A week later I was given sides and directions to video myself for the audition...and submit it in the mail or post it on YouTube. Anyway, now it is just waiting. Waiting for nothing really...because I have no idea what the next step is. The deadline is February 25th for all of the videos, so I imagine I won't hear anything either way until a bit after that. I am such an impatient person, so the whole waiting part is really emotionally straining on myself--but as I said, it is something that I am really, truly working on. But it is not like I expect to be called in or anything, of course I wish and hope that I will be, but I don't want to raise my hopes.

Anyhoo...I figured I would put my predictions out there right now for the Oscars...as I have done pretty well in the past with predicting accurately. Here it goes.

(First of all, I do not understand why Benjamin Button was nominated for so many freaking awards...including Brad Pitt as Best Actor...sadly, however, I think it will be a favorite of the Academy...that and Slumdog)

Best Actor: I would like to say Sean Penn for "Milk", however I think the Academy are going to go with Mickey Rourke for "The Wrestler"
Best Supporting Actor: I would like to say Michael Shannon from "Revolutionary Road" but I think they may go with Heath Ledger for "Batman"
Best Actress: I hope and pray Kate Winslet...she f-ing deserves it!
Best Supporting Actress: Viola Davis for "Doubt"
Animated Feature Film: "Wall-E"
Art Direction: "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" (ugh)
Cinematography: "Slumdog Millionaire"
Costume Design: Either "Curious Case" or "Rev Road"...maybe "Australia"
Directing: "Slumdog Millionaire"
Documentary: Can't really say...didn't see all of them.
Film Editing: "Curious Case" unfortunately...or "Slumdog"
Foreign Language: "The Class" or "Waltz with Bashir"
Make-Up: "Benjamin Button"
Music (Score):" Slumdog" or "Milk"
Music (Song): "Slumdog"
Best Picture: "Slumdog Millionaire"
other categories...lalala...
Writing Adapted: "Slumdog or Doubt"
Writing Original: "Milk"

My mind may change tomorrow...but all I know, is that if "Curious Case" wins every award or more than a couple, I will throw things at my television set. Nighty.