I have an obsession with the Apatow clan. I love them all. Is there anyway I can be indoctrinated into it? A brief hazing...something PLEASE!? Those people would get me...they would just get me. Me and my humor...me and my self. One day.



The (Abridged) 10 Year Plan.

So everyone always asks me what my goals are as a performer. I have to ask myself the same question every day. So with the inspiration of a dear friend, I devised a 10 year plan. Yes, I could keep it private but I will share with you an abridged version. Here are the cliff-notes of my 10 Year Plan to become the actor I want to be:

I'm 20.

I'm looking for agents as we speak and have been submitting to as many projects that fit my look as I can. I have been getting some bites here and there but due to my location, they all fell threw. So I understand that in order to establish my career as a successful actor I will have to make the move to either coast...no matter how terrifying that notion is.

By 21/22 I want to have been an extra in a variety of movies/television and or booked a commercial, pilot or independent film (on any level)
-I want to also have gotten an agent.
-I want to have moved to Los Angeles or New York City by this time.
-Ideally I would love to study at USC while working in L.A. (depending if I get in...crossing fingers). Although, if that does not happen, I will most likely return to school and finish my degree and postpone L.A. or NYC.
-Take classes at Second City or The Groundlings (depending on the city I find myself in).

By 24 I want to have been in a short or feature film on any scale (non union or union)
-I also want to join SAG, AFTRA or AEA by then.

By 26 I want to have booked a television show, pilot or stage show
-Supporting or Lead

By 28, I want to have had ample experience in both straight theatre/musical theatre/film/television.

By 30 I want to establish a name for myself in Los Angeles or New York, or both.
-I want to be a lead in a feature film (SAG)
-I want to dabble in writing at this point (think Tina Fey).
-Want to be on SNL (if it still exists).

Once again this is an incredibly abridged version. On the map of my future, these are all check points that I hope to come to. I can't exactly detail how I am going to go from point to point, since luck and random elements have such substantial roles in this business. Either way, talking about it makes me excited but scared...scared because I know my life will change quite a bit when I stop talking and actually start doing things.

On another note, my run today was not as pleasant as I thought it would be. The wind was not warm like yesterday's and it raped my body...the prairie dogs were not as jubilant. They were fat and scary.

Wind and Prairie Dogs.

I was on my usual run/power-walk through the prairies yesterday when the wind gust began to blow harder than usual. First of all, the trail is usually crowded with couples walking their dogs or middle aged ladies trying to lose a couple calories...however, thanks to the wind gust, the path was virtually clear of any human activity...with the exception of myself! It was wonderful. And what made it even better was the powerful wind that seemed to be blowing me in the air. I'm not even kidding you. My 6'3'' self was being lifted into the Coloradoan skies like a little balloon..well almost. (I wish). It was so great though, it was the first time I felt so happy and free. I was listening to some loud music on my iPod and dancing...yes I was dancing half the way. Prairie dogs were on both sides of me and they seemed like they were also dancing. I still believe they were. It was magical. Something out of a Dr. Pepper commercial...but better...and with dancing prairie dogs. It is another windy day, so I think I'm going to go for another run...and maybe, just maybe, this time I will actually fly away.


Another thought before I depart for my run...I need to stop dwelling on one opportunity. If I present myself to multiple opportunities, opportunities will hopefully continue to grace me with their presence. Yes effort and energy may have been put in for one opportunity, and yes, I may have really wanted it, but...more will come along...and everything is meant to be for a reason. My place is already etched in the future...it is just up to me to find it. Right now I am in limbo and it is okay to be in limbo. Painful, yes, but okay. I can't possibly expect the world to be in my palm and my dreams to come true so soon...but I can take the baby steps necessary to get to where I want and need to be going.


I Love...

I must be in a Judd Appatow, Seth Rogan, Jason Segal kind of movie some day. One day.

My Curse...I Think Too Much.

First of all, Happy Mardi Gras! Another great excuse to gorge out on fatty foods! Although, I have not been too bad today...I went for another hour and a half run/power-walk in fact. The weather was beautiful today in Northern Colorado. For the first time in ages, I actually felt the sun warm my skin. I like to use my runs to ponder, pray and think about things. However, I think my problem is that I have been thinking too much lately. It is a problem. It takes one reminder or one thing to trigger me and then I dwell...I dwell badly. And it is the ridiculous things that I dwell on. The things that I can't control. I guess you could call me a control freak in the way that I like to have a fairly firm grasp on my life and like to know where I am heading. And I confess, I am lost. I clearly know where I want to end up...I just don't know how to get there. People continue to tell me...stop thinking too much, just let life happen. And I will be the first to say that I am trying so very hard to do such a thing. Perhaps it would help me if I had a better lucky streak. I am constantly reminded how big of a role luck has in this industry. A friend of mine...I refer to as "the guru" sent me a link to an article on 7 actors who got into the business out of sheer coincidence or luck. Actors from Mel Gibson, Johnny Depp to Rosario Dawson and more were completely ushered into the industry by happenstance. It really is a good article.

But anyway, I guess I have come to the conclusion that I will have to do something about this soon. I thought my life would become aligned when I got the job at Hollister...but then I realized I would be working a shift or two a week...not nearly enough income for what I need to do What do I want to do? I know what I want to do but I don't know what I need to do. I have danced around many of the points on the map of my life...but I have a feeling this detour I have decided to take may have not been the most beneficial thing to do. But I can't dwell in the past. Enough of this dwelling...and more doing. Let us jump into action. But how does one get to work when there is no work in the region...move, but alas, how does one move if one's parents are against it? It is a tricky situation, and I feel like I will never win over myself and my parents. Someone will leave unhappy...and I hope it is not me. During my run, Eminem's "Lose Yourself" came on. I was inspired by a lyric, "Success is my only mother-fucking option". That is exactly how I feel right now. I know that it seems like I am bitching day in and day out about something I could change in an instant. And yes, I am some what bitching, but I'm more like venting about the circumstances I find myself in. I would love to get up from this computer after I write this blog and leave for California. But I do have my responsibilities. For example, right now I am baby sitting my little brother (don't worry he is fine...he is working on homework...). I guess what is holding me back is the fact that I am comfortable living with my family and I am comfortable living in the town I grew up in. My friends are familiar, my family is familiar and so is Colorado. But just in writing that, there is a sickly feeling that radiates throughout my body. Pain.

It is painful to think that people see me as relinquishing my dreams...I am in no way doing such a thing. I am just figuring things out. Yesterday during my run I was praying out loud and asking for a sign from the heavens when at that precise moment I received a text from my good friend Karissa and it said, "You should move to L.A. Just do it!". Could that not be anymore of a sign? It just is not logical right now...soon. Hopefully by the summer I will know if I got into USC...which would make both my family happy and myself happy as well. Or will it? I don't know I never thought I would say this...ever...but perhaps college is not for me. YES, it would totally be for me, if I was going into law or journalism, which is what I think my parents are still hoping I end up doing. AHHHHHHHHH! And thus, you understand the backlash of thinking too much. Dwelling is sick and unhealthy. And that is what I am continuing to do. I will fix this problem in due time...I just am in a rut. And it is okay to be in a rut. Nothing is permament...this bitch of a rut will hopefully cease some day soon. I pray that it will. I pray for a lot of things. That I will make the right choice. My parents said last night, "We thought you were smarter Braden. Not going to college is stupid". It is a fight that will never end with them...but some things are worth sacrificing and fighting over. And I hope that in the near future SOMETHING will come of these submissions.

But alas, it is Mardi Gras. I have half a container of ice cream calling my name, homemade strudel my mom baked, and a couple movies waiting to be watched. I think I just need something to take my mind off of my mind. I'm just under a dark cloud right now. Hopefully a rainbow will present itself after this storm. Hopefully.


Help Me.

I'm tired of being all talk and no walk. I hate it when people look at me like I'm crazy when I tell them I want to be an actor. Those who support me want the best for me and everyone else is just in the way. I always make the mistake of sharing certain things with my parents. While they are supportive. They are not supportive of not going to college and getting a degree. Something so stupid and minuscule--literally a piece of paper. That is all they want and care about. If it were up to them I would be in school right now. That was the deal, I leave Roosevelt for a college where I study and get a flipping degree. Which is what I thought was the plan...and now, all of a sudden I am beginning to want other things. You only live once. You have this life to do something, to fulfill your dreams. And I don't feel like I am doing that right now. I'm not...that is the truth. I'm in northern Colorado...where yes, I have some great companions and friends but it is not doing anything for me. It does not make me entirely happy and it does not fulfill any of my artistic desires. And at the same time, it seems I continue to fill people's ears with notions that I am being brave and leaving school and going to Los Angeles, when in reality I am here...in Fort Collins, Colorado. You can either take a chance and go to Los Angeles or New York and pursue your career as an actor...and spend years building your reputation, or you can live a life that is not particularly fulfilling and wish that you had done something. And it seems that I am stuck somewhere in between the middle. I will be blatantly honest when I say my parents are holding me back. I get it. They want me to actually make money in my life...they want me to have a good career. But what they don't get is NONE OF THAT IS IMPORTANT TO ME.

The only people that understand this notion of not needing anything but a career in acting or performing are other actors themselves. There is no back up plan...and yes I can imagine that seems scary to someone who is not involved in the theatre because they constantly hear that over and over again from starving artists. "I don't need a back up plan". It does not help that everyone and their sister calls themselves a struggling actor in Los Angeles. It makes it a little harder to imagine someone like myself actually achieving what some of the actors last night have. But I am tired of not being taken seriously. Not truly being accepted as a good actor. Yes, I have my growing to do as a person and as an artist, but no one is perfect at the age of twenty. If everything goes as planned, I will have an entire life ahead of me. Yes, I can go back to college for three years again and finish up school and THEN pursue my career...but who knows if I will be wanted then. The point is...I am torturing myself thinking of what could be. I'm torturing myself thinking about what would of come from that film audition in NYC if I was given more time to fly to NYC to audition. The little things. They get me. This "Stewie" audition tape...being in the dark, not knowing what they thought, if they even looked at it. It is all apart of the job, but frankly right now I am not exactly a working actor. I've got to get out. I have got to get out of this Colorado bubble...it is driving me crazy. Maybe my time won't come for ages, but I will never know if I don't try. I wish it was as simple as having a connection that could bring me to instant recognition, but I don't really. I was not born into infamy. I was not born into the most stunning body either. I am unique, but not in the best of ways...it will most likely take time for me to grow into my own skin. But I want that time to come soon. I am so eager. I am opening my hands and heart and screaming for someone to see the talent and drive in me. HELP ME!

As promised, I included Kate Winslet's acceptance speech...it spoke directly to me. I used to do the whole shampoo bottle thing.


The Oscars. (After Thoughts...)

The Oscars. WOW. I was pleasantly surprised at how endearing they were. With the exception of Zanessa, or whoever the hell they think they are...I was taken a back at how accurate most the awards were. First and foremost, Kate Winslet did it! FINALLY. After six nominations she actually won, in what I think was a well deserved award. And Sean Penn...I love the fact that he won! Definitely thought it would slip through his fingers and go to Rourke but am so glad that the ball bounced back into his court. And while I may not be the biggest fan of "Slumdog Millionaire" I am glad to see that it has garnered so much attention and response from the public and the Academy. This year has definitely proven the point that anything can happen. I was also a huge fan with the way the acting awards were presented this year. I found it amazing how each actress/actor was individually recognized for their great acting work. I also liked the fact that the great actors and actresses before them introduced each actor or actress...what a dream. The whole thing just seemed so ridiculously intangible. And the musical numbers (Bollywood infusion and John Legend...what could be better?!).

I was however, taken a back by the enforcement of musical theatre on the show. I have never seen a host sing as much as Hugh Jackman did. And who in the world let Zanessa on the flipping stage! That was honestly my biggest problem with the whole ceremony. You do not let Miley Cyrus, Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens into such a prestigious ceremony. Not only that, but you do not let them sing an excerpt from "High School Musical 3" and you do not let them present either! What were they thinking?! I love the Oscars because it brings the best of the best in film (from across the globe) and sits them down in one giant theatre. Zanessa and Miley Cyrus do NOT belong there. Plain and simple. And what frightened me even more was when Vanessa Hudgens said something on the red carpet like, "Hopefully we will be back and be nominated next time (giggle giggle)". Really?! Correct me if I am wrong, but I don't think anyone that has ever won an Oscar was spawned into show business from the Disney Channel. There is a difference between celebrity status and true and raw talent. Such talent only belongs to those like Sean Penn and Kate Winslet. I honestly couldn't think of two better actors. Winslet has NEVER truly been trained and while Penn is a little intense he is damn good at his craft. I strive to be a combination of the two.

Another thing that really got me this year, was how emotional I got. Whether it was Health Ledger's family accepting the award for him or certain acceptance speeches, I was a well of tears. I guess the Oscars always strike a familiar chord in my body...a desire of mine. I'm going to post Winslet's speech as soon as they put it up on YouTube (probably tomorrow) but as soon as she started talking about pretending to use shampoo bottles as the Oscar award and making fake acceptance speeches in the bathroom mirror when she was a little girl...something clicked. I totally remember doing that when I first saw my first Oscars around the age of six or seven...and to be honest, I think I still do that. My faith has been restored. It IS possible. So I haven't gotten my first movie yet, but I am only 20. Not everyone can book their first intense film role at the age of 17 (we aren't all Kate Winslets). But I will strive to be. A Penn and a Winslet. And the funny thing is that both of them had an idea that they would one day find their place in this industry. And I have that faith as well. It is more than faith, it is an internal knowledge. I know it will happen. And I pray that it will happen. But for now I can only dream.

To wrap up my Winslet rant, I think I find her so fascinating because of the way she has developed her career. She has rejected thousands of scripts because they did not fulfill her artistic endeavors. She takes a year off or more between each project she does (which is why she does not have the longest resume) but each project she undertakes has a certain and special meaning to her. Not every actor can say that. She also admitted that not even until her last two films (Revolutionary Road and The Reader) that she maybe, felt like an actress...and she emphasized the maybe. I love it. An un-trained beauty. Is that not the case though. with most actors these days? Usually most of the successful actors we see at such awards shows as the Oscars were born with this gift and don't truly feel comfortable calling themselves "actors" because they are always learning. As Meryl once said, "Your first movie will be mediocre. And then you will continue to grow...but it gets harder." I love it. I have included a short video from the backstage "Thank You" camera after Winslet's speech...she seems just as lovable as shoes does on screen.

So now as the clock strikes 11:59 and Monday is almost here, I will begin my preparations for bed. I can only imagine the ruckus they call Los Angeles right now. The glamorous after parties at Elton Johns, Princes, Madonna and Demi Moore's, Vanity Fair...it is like an alternative universe. The whole experience. But, it is an experience I one day dream to be a part of. The work begins now...

Lastly, backstage Kate Winslet said, "You just don't think that these dreams that seem so silly and so impossible could ever really come true." And look what happened...they did come true. She is honestly a testament for what can come out of big dream, a big heart/ambition and some talent. I admire her wholeheartedly and am inspired by her. One day. One. Day.


The Oscars.

So...I am supremely jealous right now. One of my good friends is visiting home this weekend. Home happens to be LOS ANGELES, California. And what weekend is this...the weekend of the flipping OSCARS! Only the highest goal of mine ever...to go to them, walk the red carpet, be nominated, what have you. So this friend of mine happens to have a brother working for the Oscars...oh it gets better. Apparently she just got asked to be a page for the Emmy's?! FYI (I hope you don't mind me sharing your story friend who will remain unnamed). Of course she is telling me this all over text while my phone is off and I am watching "Rachel Getting Married" (by the by sooooo good and very intense). And then I call her phone back and she doesn't answer...as she is probably sleeping right now. I just had to share my excitement with someone, as she is not answering. But isn't that cool?! I am so happy for her! What a dream...all I can say is that I wish I were in Los Angeles...right now. Yes, I realize this is not logical, but if i had the money I would totally buy a red eye ticket to Los Angeles. But since that is not possible, I will only imagine what it would be like to stroll on the premises of the Kodak theatre...or wherever they have the awards ceremony. Instead, I will humbly watch the Oscars on my television screen like the rest of the world...perhaps with a few friends.


A picture text (unnamed) friend sent me via phone...Look at Oscar's backside.

The Oscars. Wow. Such a bittersweet subject for me. Sweet because I hope to one day be invited to such a ceremony...and bitter because I'm not there. As Tina Fey would say, "I want to go to there". Seriously. I just joined Twitter and I am following a couple celebs (Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore are among them). And the entire day they were filling their sites with statuses of these grand parties they are hosting with Madonna. I mean it just seems so surreal to me, that these things actually happen. Tomorrow, the city of Los Angeles will be buzzing with fancy tuxes and beautiful gowns...not to mention every limousine will be rented out. The stars will make their appearances on the red carpet and awards will be given out. And post Oscar party upon post Oscar party will add to the excitement. What a life right?! Yes many actors and actresses are honored with invitations, but not all of them can attend the award show. There are many television stars that will not make an appearance and many other film actors who will not as well. Only a select few actors, actresses, directors, producers, writers etc (in this case half a thousand or more) will show up for the ceremony. Oh to be in that select V.I.P. club. The Oscars are a reminder of how much I have to work to get to there. You definitely have to do more than stroll in the park to be awarded such an opportunity. And the thing is, sometimes some of the best actors who are in television are not honored with an invitation to the Oscars because of the focus on film. It is a one of a kind awards show because it is so revered and focused on...by the world it seems.

Now, I am NOT advocating the celebrity obsession side of the Oscars, which is really hard to avoid. I DO advocate for the Oscars in the way that they (usually) present actors with the honors they usually deserve. This year, above a lot of previous years, I feel that the talent shown in film was just breath-taking. "Rachel Getting Married" is just one of the many examples of the fierce and raw work that is being put out there. Kate Winslet, Meryl Streep, Anne Hathaway...all of these actors and more have pulled their weight this year and deserve recognition. But the downfall of such an award ceremony is the masturbatory feeling it creates. Since I was a wee little boy I remember curling up to the television set whenever the Emmy's or Oscars were on. Every year as I grew older my desire to be sitting in the television screen grew more and more intense. Although my parents would always look down upon it slightly because they felt it was blowing unnecessary steam up the actors asses. Listening to the long winded acceptance speeches, etc. I slightly agree. It does in a way. BUT, unfortunately that is what Hollywood has become. While the ceremony itself is honoring the art of acting and film, the buzz and obsession with the "stars" (thanks to the paparazzi and media) has become almost too overwhelming. They are normal people. Just like you and me. Not all of us can act, but being an aspiring actor myself, I know that all of those actors that will be sitting in that room tomorrow are there for a reason. Either from being born into stardom or knowing someone in the business or just luck--being seen by the right person, at the right time. And thus, this is why the Oscars are bittersweet to me. I have loved them since I could remember, because it reminds me of what I want to be working towards. However, as I grow older I am becoming less and less patient and just want to be able to be there right now. This is something I have to work on myself.

In other news, I just finished a video audition for an Adam McKay film "Stewie". I am always iffy with video auditions because I never quite know if the casting directors/directors actually saw the video. It is also hard because you cannot judge their impressions of the audition since you can't actually watch the video with them. Regardless, it was another audition for a feature film and it is something I can say I have done as an actor. I was asked to submit a video when I submitted a headshot and resume to the agency. A week later I was given sides and directions to video myself for the audition...and submit it in the mail or post it on YouTube. Anyway, now it is just waiting. Waiting for nothing really...because I have no idea what the next step is. The deadline is February 25th for all of the videos, so I imagine I won't hear anything either way until a bit after that. I am such an impatient person, so the whole waiting part is really emotionally straining on myself--but as I said, it is something that I am really, truly working on. But it is not like I expect to be called in or anything, of course I wish and hope that I will be, but I don't want to raise my hopes.

Anyhoo...I figured I would put my predictions out there right now for the Oscars...as I have done pretty well in the past with predicting accurately. Here it goes.

(First of all, I do not understand why Benjamin Button was nominated for so many freaking awards...including Brad Pitt as Best Actor...sadly, however, I think it will be a favorite of the Academy...that and Slumdog)

Best Actor: I would like to say Sean Penn for "Milk", however I think the Academy are going to go with Mickey Rourke for "The Wrestler"
Best Supporting Actor: I would like to say Michael Shannon from "Revolutionary Road" but I think they may go with Heath Ledger for "Batman"
Best Actress: I hope and pray Kate Winslet...she f-ing deserves it!
Best Supporting Actress: Viola Davis for "Doubt"
Animated Feature Film: "Wall-E"
Art Direction: "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" (ugh)
Cinematography: "Slumdog Millionaire"
Costume Design: Either "Curious Case" or "Rev Road"...maybe "Australia"
Directing: "Slumdog Millionaire"
Documentary: Can't really say...didn't see all of them.
Film Editing: "Curious Case" unfortunately...or "Slumdog"
Foreign Language: "The Class" or "Waltz with Bashir"
Make-Up: "Benjamin Button"
Music (Score):" Slumdog" or "Milk"
Music (Song): "Slumdog"
Best Picture: "Slumdog Millionaire"
other categories...lalala...
Writing Adapted: "Slumdog or Doubt"
Writing Original: "Milk"

My mind may change tomorrow...but all I know, is that if "Curious Case" wins every award or more than a couple, I will throw things at my television set. Nighty.



I had a vision.

This vision was grand and beautiful. I saw myself taking my usual run through the prairie behind my house. In the distance was a magnificent hot air balloon...slowly descending into the valley. Inside the balloon was an odd man. He smelled of pineapple and sand. The man did not ask for directions but requested my presence. He extended his arm and shook my hand mightily. He spoke of a bright future filled with a warm sun and an abundance of opportunity. A place this great could only be an oasis. "I want to go to there"...I told the peculiar man. But it was too late, a strong wind blew the hot air balloon away...and away. The man beckoned out of his basket..."I will return shortly and request your presence once again". In my mind such a place could not exist. It could only be a mirage...conjured up by day dreaming and false hope. I stood swaying in the wind as I watched the little man fly further and further away...until he was but a small insect floating into the Colorado sky. I would return to the same prairie every day to see if the man would make his appearance. Weeks would go by and still nothing. I had feared that I had lost my chance. That I was stuck in the dry and desolate Colorado weather. De-void of adventure or optimism. But then I remembered...the sky has to be just right for a hot air balloon to fly. The timing must be perfect and the trip should be executed as perfectly as possible. And that is when I realized everything will be settled in due time. The same peculiar man will make his appearance at the most opportune moment. When I'm ready. And probably when I least expect it. And when that time comes...I will run to the hot air balloon and hop into the basket. I will ever so slowly begin to float away from the soil and earth and instead, be hoisted into the heavens with the help of the wind. My eyes will feast upon my home and my neighborhood. I will see the familiar surroundings I grew up around...my middle school, my church, my high school...the local ice cream shop. My eyes will be met with small droplets of water as I reminisce. The man will hand me a satin hankerchief and offer me a shoulder to cry upon. I will take him up on his offer, and he will produce a lollipop from his pocket. My fears will melt away as I devour the candy and watch the Rocky Mountain's brush up against the basket.


The sun will slowly trickle down below the landscape and usher an explosion of stars and planets. They will shine down on us and I will fall asleep. The balloon will carry me hundreds and hundreds of miles away from my home...but I will lie bewildered and content because I know that everything will be okay.


Fly Away.


I wish that I could fly into the sky, so very high
Just like a dragonfly
I'd fly above the trees over the seas in all degrees
To anywhere I please
Oh I want to get away

I want to fly away -Lenny Kravitz


Thoughts for Myself and a Dear Friend...

No one knows exactly how humanity came to be. There are the theories from the Bible and the secular theories such as the big bang theory. Regardless, as Shakespeare would say, "What a piece of work is man". The complexities that surround humanity are just mind blowing. Being a religious person, I'm going to refer to God...but replace God with the universe or what have you if you are not religious. God is a mastermind. The scientist in charge of pushing the lever. The ability to create life. In my eye, I see God holding a giant map before him. This map is the key to humanity. Every single cell, every single body and every single being on this earth was strategically placed for a reason. Like an extravagant symphony, the slightest alteration or missing instrument could cause chaos or commotion. I am a firm believer in fate. But I am also a firm believer in choice. To me, God has woven a beautiful tapestry for each of us--our futures. It is up to us if we follow the right path or go astray...but God knows. Each of us are navigators in this grand game of LIFE. It is up to us whether we choose the career route or the college route. It is up to us if we choose the family route or the single route. We come across crossroads every waking moment of our life. Sometimes they lead us directly to the answer, and sometimes they lead us to a new place so that we can learn that that place is not the right one for us. Nonetheless, I believe that God placed all of us on this earth to accomplish something. Our world would be sickly without the touch of a doctor and our world would be in shambles without the leadership of a President. I'm slowly getting to my point. Everyone has a calling. However, everyone figures out that calling at different times in their lives. Some know at the age of two and some don't ever know and die unhappy.

We have been incredibly lucky to know what our calling is. Performers. Yes, a lot of people identify themselves as "performers"...but God knows the true ones from the shams or scam artists. Just like a true doctor operates for the patient and not the salary, the true actor operates on the art and not the fame. You can teach technicalities of singing or acting...but you absolutely cannot teach God given talent. I know the dancers who were born to dance because of the way they were constructed. Perfect feet--and perfect turn out. Perfect form. It is something that years upon years of training could never surpass or out show. Often throughout the college years young actors or performers fall by the wayside and decide to relinquish their fight to be a professional performer. They realize that they could do better in another field or profession. But for those few, those chosen few, it never dies. It remains to burn a hot and heavy fuel inside the soul. Doubt is inevitable. The very same society we surround ourselves in teaches us to doubt every day. Doubt if we are good enough. Doubt if we are doing the right thing. Doubt if we are in this for ourselves or the art. But the ones that are stronger and are meant to do this will surpass this obstacle. Rome wasn't built in a day...but it sure as hell wasn't built without any effort. Ample amounts of patience, effort perseverance, optimism and talent are all key players in this game.

Rejection is built within the deck of cards. I believe that we are put through emotional term-oil constantly in our lives because it is life's way of testing us...to see if we can handle it. If we can handle the absolute rock bottom horrors that exist within our lives, we will be able to appreciate the absolute euphoria that comes with the highlights of our lives. Not to say that bipolar disorder does not exist, but I believe that it is over-diagnosed since the very world we live in has the biggest case of it. One minute we can find ourselves in complete contentment...and the next our life is in ruins. The remedy to this...belief. Believe in something. Believe in yourself, your life and your future. Empower your existence. There are those that trudge through life...and there are those that dance through it. My career is based upon my belief that I can impact the entertainment industry. I have never doubted my abilities to be successful. However, I have been knocked down countless times...I could have given up then. But I would have considered myself a quitter. And I am not a quitter. I only think of those times as reality checks or check points in my life. Every day we are tested at work, school, at home or even randomly. But if we can rise above the challenge, we can conquer the world.

Everyone deserves to have the best life they can live. But looking upon the sea of great actors and actresses that have come before us, it is undeniable that without risk success is obsolete. You have to make the first move in this game. It may not be comfortable, it may not be safe either...however it may bring you to a new journey and a new outcome. Sometimes there are external forces that conflict with these impulses, but in order to be true to yourself you have to act on them at some point or another. For me right now that impulse is Los Angeles. I know that in order to further my career as an actor I need to move to Los Angeles. But that thought in itself feels shell shocking and horrifying. But then again, so is the sheer principle of acting. Acting, like singing is the opposite of normal. You are presenting yourself to the masses--emotionally vulnerable and naked. It takes guts and passion to do such a thing day in and day out. It is a calling, but it takes chance and risk to be successful in it. Ideally we would like for a great big opportunity to come sweeping over us--just beckoning for us. And then our lives would be answered. We wouldn't have to go back to school and we wouldn't have to keep living something we did not want. But that does not happen. You have to work for it. You have to take the first step. Take the lead in this tango of chance. Do we continue to live this comfortable life that does not fully satisfy all of our wants and needs? Or do we step off the aircraft and plumet into the unknown--with the possibility that an exciting opportunity and parachute will rescue us. It is something that I ask myself everyday. How did I get to where I am right now...I never thought in my wildest dreams that I would be driving away from college and back into my parents household. I was always the dreamer, the do-gooder. The city "actor". Pursuing my dreams. And now I am here...in Fort Collins Colorado? What gives?

But like I said earlier. I think every single step that we take in life leads to something. One of my favorite quotes is from Broadway actress Rondi Rheed, "You wanna make God laugh, tell him your plans". It is so true. I am sure God is sitting upstairs in his threshold laughing in amusement...at us. Laughing at us. We have no idea how much our lives can change in one heartbeat. In the time I wrote that last word, three babies were born somewhere...and three elders passed away. The circle of life. The same goes for following our callings. Like Adele sings in one my favorite songs, "Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements"? It may seem so absurd to be chasing after a dream like mine or yours...but it will lead somewhere. It is only inevitable. If it is meant to be, it will happen. And we have a say in what the outcome is. We have the ability to pack our lives into boxes and move. And that in itself creates a new life. We are reborn. But our callings will always follow us, no matter how much we change our style, fashion or living quarters. We will be placed into our parts at some point in our life. We just may not fit a certain role right now...but maybe in five years we will.

Oprah Winfrey was born in an impoverished and unhealthy household. A minority and victim of incestuous sexual abuse, who on earth would guess that such an individual would become the richest woman in America? Often success is unexpected. You have to find a nice line between knowing your destination and living in delicious ambiguity. It keeps God from being bored up there. He likes to see our triumphs, but he also loves to see us arise to a good challenge. Survival of the fittest. Those who can't figure out a way around a problem will slowly dissolve. Currently we are met with hard decisions in the foreground. We can let them grow stale and creep up on us, or we can can slowly dissect each element and come to a decision before we are suffocated. It is not easy and it is uncomfortable. The mere thought of a life-changing situation only presents goosebumps and blood curdling thoughts. However, those thoughts are present for a reason and cannot be overlooked. Friends and family are put on this earth to help assist us on our journeys. I am going through the same thing, however, it is something that I am slowly trying to figure out. I suggest the same. Take each day as an adventure. Embark on each journey with a smile and keep an open mind. Opportunities will present themselves, but not without effort. It is so easy to drive ourselves to insanity...thinking of when the time will come. When our big break will be and when we will start living our dreams. To that I say pray. Every night I pray to God and ask him to use me. Please God use my abilities as an actor and performer to touch people. That and my efforts are all that I can do. The rest relies on probability, the hands of others and our destiny to be great performers/artists and actors.


Kristen Wiig.


I know some people are put off by Kristen Wiig...but I'll point out my reasons for loving the lady:

Dear Kristen,

A. I want your career.
B. I want to be best friends with you.
C. Way to be funny and shy.
D. You are the funniest lady on SNL right now.
E. I want to be able to pick up my stuff and just go to LA like you did.
F. I love how you create your own characters...they are all crazy and original.
G. I love your impressions.
H. You seem so chill and down to earth.
I. School just wasn't for you...sometimes I think the same for me.
J. Even if you are a bit part in a film you still make me laugh.
K. You have a comforting aura about you.
L. We should do lunch. I feel like we could click.
M. Marry me?




Life is a Journey. Not a Destination.

Okay...So I know it has been almost a week since my last blog entry. However, being the superstitious individual I am, I did not want to jinx any luck or good fortune that is (hypothetically or maybe not at all) coming in my direction. I say this because since my last entry several exciting opportunities presented them self. While nothing (automatically) came from them they were still opportunities that normally do not present themselves to most actors at my age who are unrepresented. I won't explain what these opportunities were because once again I don't want to jinx any future projects I submitted for. I will say that these projects involved both television and film! Whatever those opportunities may have been...they instantly validated my abilities to catch casting directors eyes. I pray that these opportunities will present themselves further in the future...and maybe...just maybe something will actually come out of it!

That aside, I start work tomorrow. I was nervous a little while ago. Me working as a Hollister "Model" aka Sales Associate. It just does not seem to fit with my personality. But whatever it may be, it is income. And not a fast food restaurant, so who am I to complain? I'm not nervous anymore though. I don't have to put a show on since I will most likely be the nicest/friendliest employee working there anyway. To be honest I was surprised I was hired in the first place. Apparently I am attractive! It will probably be training anyway so nothing too big.

For the past three hours I have been conversing with four individuals...via Skype, phone, Skype and Facebook chat. Each individual has a special role in my life. The first, one of my grand Chicago friends. The second another one of my grand and best friends. The third, an old and great friend. And the fourth, a supervisor of sorts...and perhaps the key to an exciting opportunity (not related to acting if you can imagine that). Within each conversation lay a common theme. The future. It is so ominous. The future is what we all seem to be battling against. The future holds knowledge we can't possibly know currently. It is like a big ominous cloud that is coming in our direction, but we won't know when the storm hits. That was a horrible analogy. My apologies, I'm rusty in the English department. For me, I know what my future should be. Every day, I take a baby step forward and am closer to finding out what the future holds for me.

I have ALWAYS known that I will someday (and I don't exactly know when) make a name for myself. In the entertainment industry. And I'm not talking about fame. While fame comes with success, my motivation is for me...not for a gazillion cameras or to be "famous". Of course as an actor I want my work to be seen by a broad range of audiences. I want to be able to touch someone with my work. That is my biggest goal. However, with this ambition to be successful as an actor, comes my ambitions to be successful as a leader for our country. I will never be the President...but I do possess Presidential qualities. If you know me, you know I am incredibly driven. When I set my mind to something...it will be completed. Perhaps not automatically but within a certain period of time...it will be completed and executed in the best way possible. I can honestly say that ideally I want to be a jack of trades. I want to master all of my pursuits. I want to be a successful actor of film, television and stage. I also want to host my own talk show at some point in my life. I know I'm re-iterating points from past blogs but this is how I'm feeling.

The fourth individual I spoke with tonight was quite random to be honest. In the past this individual came into my life through chance. And through that chance and my ambitions we formed a coalition. An incredibly exciting opportunity arose and would have most likely been given to myself if this source had followed through with her word. However, being a busy individual, she did not...and left me with broken spirits (not because she meant to). However this evening, for some reason that I'm sure will be explained to me in the near future, she spoke with me. Out of the blue. It is times like this that I know things happen for a reason. Tonight I was telling my friend Erica how when you let the "universe" or God know what you want in life...it will be returned to you if you put in the effort. And I think I have done a generally good job putting in the time and sweat. Anyway, this source who must not be named apologized for her past doings and asked if I had heard from this (unnamed) place. I had told her no and we spoke for what felt like thirty minutes about possibly working together again to obtain the opportunity. So there it is...out of nowhere, unexpectedly drops another possible path for the future. Time will only tell. And as I have learned from being out of school for two months now, patience is key in the professions I find myself entering in.

All that I know is that I couldn't possibly work in anything but the entertainment industry. I am open to the idea of not becoming an actor in the long run, but I will definitely put on my boxing gloves and give a good fight. I pray to God every night and ask him to use my talent and passion for performing. Just put me to good use...whether it be on the screen, or behind it. Just please allow me to fulfill my aspirations and passion. That is all I ask for. And I guess that is why I am antsy right now, because until I do find success in my acting or this industry, I will feel like a failure. But I can't think like that. Thoughts like that will get me nowhere. I can't stress out anymore about immediately moving to Los Angeles or New York. When an opportunity presents itself next time...and that is the only way I can obtain it...maybe, just maybe then I will consider it. But for now, I will endure this position at Hollister, earn money and try to find a second job. I have to repeat this mantra every time I find myself irrationally panicking:

"Life is a journey not a destination. Enjoy the moments".

I already took a giant leap of faith by leaving my life at Roosevelt and CCPA...I can only go up from here. I can only make new mistakes that will teach me new life lessons and I can only strive for the best. If everything is meant to be...I will become what I dream. And I know that for a fact.


Knock On Wood.

Everything's coming up roses...right now. I finally got a job (as a Hollister model) oh hohoho. I have been catching some casting director's eyes and have been called in for a film audition (however did not have enough notice to go to NYC and audition). But these are opportunities that are FINALLY presenting themselves from the hardwork that I have been exuding. I stress myself out sometimes but it is all for a product. But for now...I don't know how long it will last but I am going to relax. Tomorrow I am going to try to shoot an actor's slate/demo reel and then mail all of my submissions for agencies by next Monday or Tuesday! I start work on Monday. I hope these are all good signs. All that I know is that I feel good right now. I am constantly being reminded of how many people are in this freaking industry, but you know what...we all want the same thing. We aren't "competition"...half the time everybody looks so different they rarely are competing for the same roles. And in my current state of being, there aren't a lot of people that look like me (or at least have my legs and babyface). I absolutely have to look through a sunny lense in this life and career I have chosen.

I will leave you with this short story. Last night I was chilling at the Lyric Cinema Cafe (where my friend Ruth works). And I was discussing my ambitions as an actor and whether or not I should test the waters and go out to Los Angeles. When all of a sudden (literally from no where) a man came and sat down across from us and said, "Go. Go man. Try it. If you have the balls. If you think about it too much you won't go. Go". I think it was a sign. I just hope everything stays this way.


Reality Check.

I needed reality to come crashing down on me. It was kind of like a piano being catapulted on my forehead. It truly hurt, but woke me up. The truth is I have been day dreaming. I have been dreaming. That is just me though, I am a dreamer. I dream. I have hopes and dreams. The other half of me is very practical however. I have always been the child who stayed within the boundaries. Never dove into the shallow end at the pool because I knew it would hurt...actually I did once, but that was not purposeful. Sometimes in life you need someone who you truly care about to confront you and tell you how it is. It is kind of mind blowing in fact.

This evening at approximately 11:45 I had a mini meltdown. Sadly, I don't think it is the last of the mini meltdowns. In fact, I have a feeling a much bigger one is in the works. For the first time I actually felt the heartache of leaving school. Not being in the same state as some of my greatest friends and fellow classmates. It is no lie...Chicago is still etched on my heart like a tattoo. But as a great and honest friend pointed out to me..."Chicago will always be there. LA will always be there, and the film industry will always be there". These were words that I needed to hear. "Always be there". It is so true. I am such a fast paced thinker...I don't think half the time. I go by my emotions, my goals and my dreams. And my dream and desire right now is to be an actor in film and television. Yes I know that there are steps in between. I am just so impatient. Guilty. But perhaps this time period I call "limbo" is meant for me to learn how to be patient. Among many other things.

I won't lie...I have been learning. I've learned how driven I am. When I want something I will give a good fight. I also realized how sensitive I am. It seems to me that I take things much too personally and care too much about what others think. It is the truth. So many people's thoughts of me have either hindered my progression in a certain area or attempt at something. And you know what...that will slowly begin to disappear as I encounter my future. As I spoke with my friend she continued to be blatantly honest with me...a quality I share and admire with people. I think the part that gets me is the fact that I am not training. I'm not in an acting class like I was last semester...but that is why I am trying to get a teaching position as an acting teacher for kids and teens at the city center. I am hoping that it will help me polish my skills and endow them upon others.

I've also learned that I like runs/speed walks/biking through this trail in the back parts of my neighborhood. Not only is it a gorgeous walk but it gives me time to soul search. Perhaps I have been doing too much soul searching...or not enough. I can never know with me. I think I have something set and then it completely changes. Such is life. Maybe I am being a little bitch and wining...but I have my reasons. But there are those that complain and there are those that problem solve and find a way out of "limbo". I can feel my jaw muscles clenching as I begin to think about job hunting and living a life in Northern Colorado. It is such a bubble. Everyone is born, grows up and lives in Fort Collins it seems. No one leaves. I want to break that pattern...some day. I told myself I was ready. But I guess I am not currently. Or maybe I shouldn't be ready to go. Not everyone can be Kristen Wiig and just go to LA. Or maybe I should. Maybe this impulse or idea has been planted in me for a reason. Certain things are not easy. This is one of them. If acting was easy, everyone would be an actor...even though that appears to be the case anyway.

"Taking the semester off" was uproarious to begin with. In my family that just does not happen with me. I am the good child. The smart one. The International Baccalaureate, vice-president of Drama club and such...the "good" child. The one who stays in the lines and does not color out of them. Well I'm starting to learn how to color out of them. One thing is for sure...I am not going to make any life changing decisions any time soon, as I have no job or income. However, as soon as that door opens I plan to investigate it further. I just simply hate being in this "limbo". I feel like I am in between heaven and hell everyday. Waiting in line to go up to heaven. The only thing I can really count on right now is the fact that my fortune cookie yesterday said, "Prosperity is right around the corner". God willing...it is around the corner. Lurking for me. Waiting for me to hold it's hands and enter into a new life.

This evening did not turn out how I planned. In fact, I doubt if I will be able to sleep. That is what happens when you let reality hit you. WHAM! It leaves a mark. I know I made the right decision when I decided to leave Roosevelt. It wasn't the right conservatory for me...and I don't believe it is the right place for most people. However, I've already learned that and I need to go forward. I hate myself when I complain to my good friends...I hate it. Although it is not brought on by nothing. I am going through a hard time. But so are a lot of people...and a lot harder things. Like death. I am a fighter. A smart fighter at that. I will find a solution. I may not find it immediately...but good things come with time. I am not expecting this bright future in the business to come floating to me. I know it will be hard and interesting. But at least it will be an adventure. And I have always liked adventures.

A Storm.

A storm is brewing.
Ideas are stirring.
Impulses roaring.
Hold onto your seats.
Leave what comfort you have at home.
Become a voyager...
But not a lemming.
Time will only tell...
I'm a ticking bomb.
Patience is not one of my strengths.
I should tattoo it on my left arm.
It wouldn't help or contain this storm that is coming.
It is inevitable.
The eye of the storm is far too large to contain.

Start your engines...



Drive On.

I have this drive inside of me. It's like a badger in the pit of my stomach...attempting to claw its way out. I live with it everyday. 24/7. I don't think anyone around me truly knows how big my desires are. They outweigh any current care of mine. I try to maintain patience and let my drive take me to where I need to go when my time comes...But I am too afraid I will miss an opportunity. My parents continue to harass me about school. "We can't afford USC or any of these schools you are applying to. Why are you getting a degree that won't get you a job?"And I continue to tell them, and myself that I don't even need a degree for what I want to do. I'm stepping into a career based primarily on luck and talent. I could be the prettiest face on the planet but if I didn't have any connections, I would never make it in this industry I long to be a part of. I always wonder about the people who do go into this industry and call themselves, "actors". To me there are the people that entertain and the people that watch. But it seems to me that the new generation of entertainers are osbessed with finding their names on the headlines and not in the playbill for their work. I perpetually bring up Zac Efron because he is the perfect example. He has had a couple big (superficial and showy) projects but besides that, his name comes up for having a good body and a girlfriend that leaks naked pictures of herself. And then there are those individuals like Shia LaBeouf (think I spelled that right) who strictly got in this industry to make money. It is truly sad. And yes, I realize that natural talent like that of Streep's, Linney's, Winslet's, Hoffman's and others will overcast a giant shadow over the shallow Shia and Zac but it is still present unfortunately.

It is an odd thing looking into this industry I am embarking into. It is a game of chance and a game of probability. When do you go to Los Angeles? When is the right time or age to pursue your career in film and television? Am I too ugly? Am I too odd looking? Am I too normal? Am I too tall? You never know. I love and hate that part of this art. I have proven to others and myself that I can bring an immense amount of talent to any project I work on. However, it won't do squat for me if I don't look the exact way I should look for that part or even if I have brown hair and they want a blonde. Right now I am working on my confidence with my physical traits. I have been continually reminded of my talents in acting and singing but am continually reminded of my ill self image. How will I be able to get a casting agent, director, talent agent or anyone for that matter to like me if I don't quite like myself. I am the product...I am selling myself. That is why I have been running and excercising a lot. I want to bulk up a lot so that people will see me as a leading man someday. I don't want to categorize myself in any matter when it comes to acting, but I know that professionals will when my time comes and I want to be fully prepared to break out of any box they attempt to place me in.

I've been watching "Pushing Daisies" lately and have been enamored by the diversity of actors on that show (another reason I love it soooo much). Lee Pace, who plays the leading man "Ned" is my height and just as skinny and pale. It gives me hope that my "type" is getting more popular in this industry. Although, I am having troubles coming to terms with how much my youthful face does not match my body. I have the body of an NBA player and the face of a 12 year old altar boy. It doesn't match up. Which could be good for a lot of projects but I don't know! That is why I like film though...the attention of height and size is not as key as it is on the stage.

But anyway, to get off of that tangent and back to my point, there are those who can worry about degrees and end up behind a desk and there are those like myself who want so desperately to break out and tell stories. I love acting because it gives me the ability to dive into the skin of another and tell their story. A part of me thinks that it is unfortunate--that everyone else in Los Angeles wants to do the same thing and considers themself an actor. But a part of me thinks that it is exciting, and makes me want to rise to the challenge and prove myself even more. Afterall, more than half of those individuals that call themselves "actors" are only in Los Angeles to become "famous" or be chased by paparazzi. I have a friend who I love to death here in Fort Collins, however, instead of talking about the craft of acting, is always either discussing how she could never go to red carpet events or something about paparazzi or fame. It is not about those superficial elements. And it is a sad thing because the industry would contain a smaller yet more substantial pool of talent because those individuals are acting for the love of the craft and not the fame. I joke every so often about how much I would stick out on the red carpet or how much I love certain celebs. But they aren't celebrities to me...they are fellow actors who started out the same way I will be starting out.

I am hoping and praying that I get into USC so that I will make ammends with both myself and my mother and father. But now they are telling me USC is not even an option because of the prices, yet aren't willing to fill out the FAFSA by the deadline. It is a sticky situation that I find myself in because I know deep inside, that if I want to be happy and a happy actor...I need to end up in LA. And it is sticky because if I don't get into USC, I'm scared I'll pick up my things and go. Just go. And being the impatient (guilty as charged) individual that I am contuinally cringing at myself because I am simply sitting at home, calling around for jobs and applying my soul to schools. That is not what I am about. I want to prove myself artistically and as an actor. I already am confident in saying that I am a good person. I have my faults, but who doesn't? A part of me is missing, and therefore makes me unwhole. But I have a feeling I will find that with my success in acting.

I would be lying if I said my parents haven't supported me with my acting. They have in so many ways. However, it seems that now, given the current state of not being at school, and being at home, they are so obsessed with money. Me making money. Me getting a degree. A degree. Degree. A stupid little paper they hand to you...doesn't even guarantee you a job OUT of acting. The economy is getting worse and hey, I'll tell you myself that I am in dire need of cash...but I will simply not settle for anything less than my dreams. My mother had to sacrifice her dreams for the sake of her father. And I will absolutely never do that. I feel like a clown sometimes because it seems that my mother and father are laughing at me behind my back. "Do you know how many people are 'actors'?" "Look how messed up those actors are, do you want to do drugs and end up like Mickey Rourke did?" I am constantly flooded with these questions which seem absurd to myself.

Maybe I have always been the individual to find the silver lining in everything. Maybe I have my head so far up my bum that I'm oblivious to the horrible fate I am signing myself to. I don't know. All that I am aware of is this talent and passion that I possess. My parent's questions just seem silly to me because to me, I have never doubted my ability to make a name in this world and this industry. I am worthy of doing such a thing. I just have to get past the economics of this business. The brutal competition of moving to LA, finding an agent and booking my first gig. A large part of me wants to do the Kristen Wiig thing and just pack my things up and drive to LA without any notification. But then there is the fear that I will become another number under the Californian sun...a waiter. But you know what...something tells me...(and if you know me)...you'll know that I don't settle. I will prove to everyone who has ever doubted me, parents included, that I will be a successful actor. And when that moment comes, it will make all of this chaos and battle worth it.



"Fall in love or fall in hate.
Get inspired or be depressed.
Ace a test or flunk a class.
Make babies or make art.
Speak the truth or lie and cheat.
Dance on tables or sit in the corner.
Life is divine chaos. Embrace it.
Forgive yourself. Breath.

And enjoy the ride..."



A Letter to Humanity.

Why do we hate each other? Where does hate first find itself in a human being? Some can argue that hate is something that grows inside us as we progress in life. Some believe hate is an emotion that everyone carries from birth. Either way, hate is a disgustingly fowl emotion. There are many things that I don't like...but I don't "hate" those things. There are some people I dislike for various reasons...but I could never say I "hated" those people. Like a kiss sometimes leads to other things, so does hate. Hate leads to actions of hate...and usually serious injury or death. Murder stems from hate. Terrorist actions stem from hate. Every ill that has ever and will ever be performed stems from that horrendous four letter word...hate.

I find it incredibly sad that some people are bred in a hateful environment. You hear of white supremacist families indoctrinating their children into believing any other race but white is disgusting. That mere principal is disgusting. I feel sorry for those children who at the tender age of 2 are already witnessing burning crosses and hate crimes. We elected a black President...who I am so extremely proud of...but as we speak some hateful individual is probably thinking hateful thoughts about our leader...on the very principal that he is black. Black...a fact that he can or never would want to change about himself. It seems to me that people hate people for reasons that are unacceptable and non-negotiable. A black person is born with black skin...that is not a sin. A gay person is born gay...and that is not a sin...it is also something that doesn't make up the entirety of that individual. President Obama is black...but that is not the only thing that you think of when you hear his name...or maybe it is...not to me. Are you truly going to hate on something they were born with? Because you were born with red hair does that give me license to hate you if red hair makes me queasy? Because you are shorter than me...do I think you need to "die or burn in hell" as some people believe to stand true for gay people or Jews?

I can only understand one reason for hatred. And that is the fact that someone could be so utterly insecure with him or herself that he or she would "hate" someone else for some idiotic fact. You think we as a world and nation would learn from our past mistakes. Yet hate crimes are one of the leading reasons for deaths across our nation and other nations. I love theatre and film so much because it brings people together. Exposes people to other ways of life and other cultures. The arts continue to promote tolerance...a reason I continue to thrive in that environment. I don't care what background, race, sexual preference, religion or creed you come from...hating someone....is A SIN! You wanna talk about sins and bad habits...hating someone is a deep crime. I hear people preach about Jesus...YET they also preach how much they do not accept tolerance. To everyone or anyone that reads this, how can you consider yourself a christian or just a good person even if you have this perpetual feeling or emotion of hatred?

How does a gay person, in any way or shape or form change or effect you? Yes, everyone is entitled to their beliefs...but that gay person believes in their way of living just like someone may believe that their way of life is wrong...whatever that may be...keep it to yourself. First of all, I find it pretty foolish that you would give a rat's buttock about a gay person because how are they a threat to you? Are you really going to hate someone because they are being true to them self? Because you are a Baptist and I am a Catholic does that give me license to mock or "hate" on you? No. It doesn't. I like apples. You like oranges. How does your dislike for apples change your views on oranges...it should not. You will still like to eat oranges because that is just your preference. Just like I will still like apples. The point being...it should not matter. I have no right to take away your orange, and you have no right to take away my apple. And there must be something seriously wrong with you if you are worrying so much about my preference for apples.

I still have a foul and wretched taste in my mouth. My blood was literally boiling as I watched countless videos on YouTube...bashing gays, Jews, etc. I love Ellen DeGeneres. I love Ellen because she is funny and seems like an individual that I could be best friends with. Ellen also happens to be gay...and that somehow changes a lot of peoples views on her. Because I like Ellen, I YouTube her a lot. So this evening YouTube suggested a video of Ellen's. This video however was not funny in the least. It was Ellen's reaction to a little boy who was killed by a male classmate for asking him to be his Valentine:

After watching this, I shared the same horror and sadness that Ellen did. A beautiful and innocent life was taken away for a reason that seems so foolish and idiotic. What possibly would make it okay for another child to kill your son for being gay? Yet we continue to hear these headlines and have heard them echo for generations. Matthew Shepard is among the most famous of these individuals. Watch "The Laramie Project"...it'll leave you speechless. What was going through those two boys heads when they brutally beat Matthew and tied him to a barbed wire fence in the middle of Wyoming because he was gay? What the hell was possibly running through their minds to make them think that what they were doing was okay? This is why tolerance needs to be taught. For those of you so called "Christians"...you are preaching hate if you think that it is okay to punish a gay person for being gay. If God created everyone in his image...gay people were also created lovingly in God's image. Some crazy people think of God as a hateful God. No God or higher being who created an earth as luscious and beautiful as ours would be a hateful being.

And you know what is a true crime? Prop 8. All the Christians always bring up the fact that you will be judged by God in the end. So in that case, let God judge the same-sex couple that wants to get married. Are you God? I don't think so! Do you have the right to take away someone's rights because you are insecure or uncomfortable? I don't like extreme public displays of affection..I think I'm going to try to take away heterosexual unions. That is absurd. I wouldn't do such a thing and neither should you. Prop 8 was disgusting to begin with, because they already had their rights...and now they are taken away. Don't. Play. God. I think what was most disturbing about Prop 8 was the fact that when it was passed, I saw a photograph in a magazine with a bunch of Pro-Prop 8 individuals jumping for joy. Literally...smiles etched wide in their little, intolerant and smug faces. They honestly could have been jumping on a cadaver and that alone would not have looked as disgusting. A pro in the news world said it best...and I am wholeheartedly in agreement with him. Please watch this video.

AMEN. How can you argue against that unless you are so filled with hate or are just plain insane. I was also met with rage about this subject of hate and intolerance because I was honestly disturbed at the ridiculously cruel comments posted on any video that contained any trace of gay or lesbian material. This is a direct quote from a post by fanan454:

"f*** all gays in the whole world
gays = pigs "

Have we really gotten to comparing gay people to animals? You honestly could have just shouted "NI****" in a black baptist Church. Sure anyone can write or text a cruel statement of hatred but I would please love to meet fanan454 in person and like to hear them say those words to my face. Anyone's face for that matter. How dare you. How dare you ever stoop to that level. And that statement on YouTube was honestly the tamest one that I found. It made me want to vomit. Any gay person is just like you and I. They have a heart and they have the same body you and I have and they have a love for life...just like you may or may not have. So tell me then...why are you hating? I leave you with the following. The following is a horrendous example of a woman (a "Christian" woman at that) speaking words of hatred. Luckily the news anchor shares any proper individual's opinion and makes her argument. If you have a conscience you will be shocked by the sheer insanity and insensitivity of this Phelps woman. She, like the millions out there, is the reason for the lack of progression and love in this world. Fast forward to 3:52 to see the interview.

This simply has to end. This perpetual disturbing and frankly, horrifying out pour of hate. I dare you to go on to YouTube right now...search anything on Obama, gays, Jews...whatever...and you will find a disgustingly amount of crude, brutal and downright evil remarks. I am hurt. And I am disturbed. I will not have anyone define me or anyone else. Neither should you. I will not stand for anyone to define what normal is. Normal does not exist in this world. To believers, God did not create normal...normal is boring. And if you consider yourself to be "normal" you are boring. I kid you not when I say that I am sickened. I literally have a stomach ache over this. I know I can't do everything to change this hatred since I am merely a young man of 20 and have no social platform. But I will do everything in my power to make a difference. It needs to stop. It is that simple. I will not rest well until I know the reasons for your hatred. I will not tolerate your intolerance. I truly weep for those who are filled with so much hatred that they attack on the poor and innocent minorities. They shouldn't be a minority. Gay shouldn't be a minority. Black shouldn't be a minority. Mexican shouldn't be a minority. Jewish shouldn't be a minority...nothing, and I repeat...NOTHING should be a minority. We as human beings who were put on this earth the same, exact way, should learn to walk together with open arms and open hearts. And until that day comes...I will not feel safe...and I will have nightmares.