"Going North".

I wanna dance the tango of chance
I wanna ride on the wire
Cause nothing gets done with dust in your gun
And nobody respects a liar
So Goodbye for a while I'm off to explore
Every boundary and every door
Yeah I'm going north

I wanna know where children would go
If they never learned to be cool
Cause nothing's achieved when pushed up a sleeve
Till nobody thinks you're a fool
So goodbye for a while I'm out to learn more
About who I really was before
Yeah I'm going north

Up where the hunted hide with ease
Under the arms of eye-less trees
Up where the answers fall like leaves
Oh and your love is all I need
Yeah I'm going north.

lyrics by Missy Higgins

I Hate Saying Goodbye.

I don't know how to document how I am feeling right now. I am surrounded by pale blue walls. They seem cold. Naked. I'm alone...curled up in my chair...pretending like I am oblivious to the event that will transpire tomorrow. This is truly an out of body experience. It is like I'm maneuvering some abstract character around in a video game. Except I am not quite sure what direction the character is going. I'd like to think that he is going the right way, but only the creator of the video game knows. It is my job to explore what way is the "right way". I don't believe in a "right way"...so this may be hard.

I hate goodbyes...

...I always have. Since I could remember, I have always been so emotional when it comes to the art of a goodbye. It is cruel. You see people that you love constantly, you enjoy them, you take them in...and then they are gone. You are gone. I know for the most part that I am not saying goodbye...but being in this ever changing and harsh world, you never know if it is goodbye. A life can end in a split second. A mere moment. You don't get to say goodbye. I guess that is why I am so paranoid that when I do say goodbye, it could be my last.

I feel like I am in some obscure painting. It is completely tangible but so abstract to comprehend. The notion that an idea triggered a process...and that process triggered change. I'm not the biggest fan of change either, this is why it is so hard. Why is it that in most cases, in order to progress, you have to change everything? I have learned to adapt but somehow it never gets easier. This is no exception. I find myself loving the things I once complained about. Loving my squeaky, unstable and lofted twin bed. The excruciatingly loud siren that beckons twelve floors below. The slow pedestrians. The bitter wind. They all seem like my favorite things right now.

The best way I can explain this is...is...it is like I'm going to my own funeral. Like I killed myself and forgot the consequences. How many people it would effect...the people I love the most. My best friends...my family for the past year and a half.

No one is here...with the exception of a couple familiar faces. It makes it harder. Although, I still feel like a walking ghost. I'm here...I'm present...but something is missing. I'm trying to figure out if it would be better to see everyone...or...depart modestly...leaving my legacy behind. If walls could talk. They would bitch about the endless scenarios they have seen between my friends and I for the past year a half. A lot of drama has occurred...but what is more important...is that a lot of good times have transpired. They echo in my mind right now. Sleep overs, study sessions, dance parties, hours upon hours of discussions on sex. These memories will never grow old or be tiring.

I'm getting choked up just thinking about it. I feel like I am putting myself through torture...and there isn't a reward for it...yet. I have no definite result in the near future. An open road...clear of anything lurks ahead. Now, gauging the amount of bumps along the way...that is something I will find out on my course. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited. Thrilled even, at the mere fact that I am empowering myself. Even as I write, I know deep down, that I am making a decision for myself. The decision has been made. I could relinquish from the situation and return to the norm...but I would be stupid to do so. Instincts like these must be followed.

Where would we be if Columbus didn't think the world was flat? Where would we be if Parks didn't take a stand? We call these individuals pioneers. Because they blazed a new path. A new ideology...and new hope. Hope. It runs through my veins. It is was I am riding on at this point. It is too early to judge what the coming months will bring...but even now, I am too nervous to ponder on such thoughts. I know, I have to enjoy the present. Take in my surroundings. I am...but the thought of leaving is creeping up on me. Possessing. I guess I know how crazy people feel.

While I am not a fan of the goodbye...my biggest regret...is that I didn't get a proper one. Opposing forces made that virtually impossible. So here I sit. In the same seat where I accomplished hours upon hours of homework, essays, creative works, plays, poetry and experience. It is early, early morning on the eve of New Years 2009, and I sit alone. I hope this isn't foreshadowing anything. Although I can't figure out which one is worse. Live a lonely and frigid life...or live the opposite--which only leads to being open and vulnerable. An individual who is lonely doesn't depend on anyone. They don't open up or create life long friendships. The other person on the other hand does, and when he or she is in a situation like the one I dwell in currently, they are confronted with utter misery.

I'm a masochist.

Only a masochist would put himself through such torture. Such grief. Such torment. But then again, masochists are interesting. I'd rather be interesting than boring. I'd rather blaze a trail than lay frozen in my tracks...incompetent. I'm doing this for me. But I am also doing this for my family, friends and mentors. I'm doing this because I am entitled to empowering myself. I am entitled to happiness. And while happiness exists in this world something is missing. I must open a new portal to a new world. I will bring every single memory with me. These memories are the threads which have woven the tapestry I call me. I am a changed person because of this world. It has left an imprint on my heart.

Like a ghost, I will dwell here for the rest of my life. A part of me will always be firmly rooted in this ground. But roots grow long and strong. They expand...sometimes for miles, but they always start from the same place. My adulthood began here. My independence began here. My first loves and experiences began here. My eyes have been opened here. I am no longer naive or completely oblivious or arrogant of reality. It is a cruel and harsh bitch that has frequently been giving me wake up calls. But that is when I am able to check in. Able to comprehend how much I have been given and how much I want to do with it. There is something blowing in the winds above this building and Lake Michigan. It is change. It is a bold and powerful force that will conquer my life. While I may not currently be ready, it will sweep me up and carry me. Cradle me in its arms until I AM ready.

And so, friends...my family--I. Love. You. No other words can summarize my feelings for you. This is not the end...trust me. This is the beginning for me....but like all books, you can always return to the first chapters...if you like.

Into the Wild.

I don't know how to illustrate my point. People don't get it. We live in a society where everyone goes from kindergarten to twelfth grade in a blink of an eye. A society where everyone is expected to jump immediately into the pool known as "college" or a "conservatory" in my case. What people DON'T get, is the fact that they are supposed to be PEOPLE. It is a very tricky thing to be in a field and profession like mine. An actor. I am an actor. I am very proud of that fact...most of the time. I'm proud of that fact when I see my work touching people. I am proud of my work when I see myself improving...finding a medium between passion and professionalism. And I am in absolute euphoria when all of those elements and more are orchestrated into one gorgeous symphony. I guess what I have realized in the past year and a half, is that the most important thing that an actor my age can do, is be a real person. Expose yourself to reality, therefore you can portray that reality on the stage or in film. When you witness a conservatory environment, you will find that it is almost like, for lack of a better word, a zoo. There is an abundance of diverse creatures walking the halls. Some of the inhabitants are regal like the lions, some filled with energy, like the little penguins and some calm and reserved but filled with spunk like the koalas. There is, however, a common thread through these creatures--passion. It is what drives them. But much like the way animals in a zoo are not truly exposed to the wild, these creatures, while diverse and passionate, are not enrolled or invested in the real world.

There comes a point when a living, passionate and dedicated creature cannot stand the constraints of such an environment any more. There comes a time when the zebras want to mingle with their heritage in the savannas of Africa. There comes a time when creatures are ready to truly open up their eyes to the rest of the world and feast upon the beauty that they have been neglecting. Their previous "world" in which they revolved in, while vital, is not important enough. If that creature doesn't escape that realm he or she will never know what they were missing. A better life amongst the untamed wilderness, or surrendering to following the ever constant current. Which path is better in the end? While it is a scary conquest that the creature has to embark on, it is one that will hopefully blossom into something beautiful and better. Passions that are so strong...will never die. However, opportunities that present themselves will. They will disintegrate amongst the graveyard of past opportunities and regrets. While nothing is certain, the creature has to find certainty in what he or she is choosing.

It is survival of the fittest in this thrilling yet cold profession I find myself in. An actor literally flies by the seat of his pants. He is constantly bombarded and asked to do something every minute and is supposed to be able to adapt and complete each task successfully. It is an art. Truly, an art to be able to change. That is the beauty of human beings--evolution. From the past life experiences, we are able to bring the tools and lessons we have learned, yet mold them into ourselves and adapt and bring that to the new challenge that arises. And those that can't simply crumble. I am not a failure, I have never been. In fact those actors that I see succeed and watch on such programs as "Inside the Actor's Studio" have all embarked on their own journey and have tackled everything that has come in their direction. It is a funny thing being an actor. We think that math is not important yet probability runs our lives. The probability we will be discovered, the probability that we picked the perfect day to audition for a certain show at a certain time and that a certain director was watching and happened to cast you. It is so uncertain. Talent and looks are only a fraction of the puzzle. In fact, some of the best actors and actresses of our time, aren't exactly "lookers". What I have taken away from their words of wisdom and my own experience, is that you have to do what you have to do.

Some animals like being kept in captivity--it is safe. But they never truly get to feast upon their other cravings. Actors like Streep and Depp had a burning passion for the theatre and film. But they also had the exposure to the real world. Streep went to Vassar College and received a BA in Theatre...and THEN went on to study at a graduate school. One of the pearls of wisdom that she has shared has been the fact that she had a generalized undergraduate education in college. It is what made her well rounded and in tuned with the world around her. And Depp on the other hand, like a majority of film actors living, did not even attend college. He went on his own journey. And look at him. Look at both of these creatures. Completely different yet somehow immensely successful in the same profession. No one tells us when we screw up our lives or when we take a wrong turn. But deep down inside the cavities of the soul we truly know when we need to take a new direction. A lion knows when to go on a hunt for prey. And an actor knows when his time has come to open the curtain to the world and become a better artist.

Detour.

I'm on the highway, cruising about 95 miles an hour when I realize I have to make a decision. Continue driving to my original destination that is safe, comfortable yet too stressful or make a detour and find something new, exciting and just as beneficial. I don't know what I will say in two or three days, but the detour is looking pretty good.

I just saw the film, "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" last night. It helped argue my point of taking the detour. The unknown path. Taking the adventure...which may become the best thing that will happen to me.

In the film Brad Pitt's character, Benjamin Button, as he is growing younger, goes on a series of adventures where he leaves his inhibitions to the wind and just sails and sees the world. That is what I am going to do. Because the whole point of the movie was seeing how fast time takes its toll on you. How you need to savor every moment of your existence. Every triumph and every mishap will lead you into another direction. And once you are on the new path you will continue to forge your legacy into that path. There is no right way to live and no wrong way to live. A decision like the one I am about to make may seem like a herculean task at hand...but when I am eighty (God willing) and looking back on my nineteen year old self, I will find these times to be silly, for I was oblivious to the many years of experience that were to come.

...I apologize for the weird spacing issues in the first two stanzas.

Blogger Virginity.

After a rigorous exam, extended interview, placement tests and yes, even a brutal hazing...I have successfully been enrolled in the world of blogs. This blog being my first blog of my "blogger" account, I feel that it is inappropriate to rush things...we are only at first base, not third. I intend to use this blog as a means of "venting" for myself. A way to put the thoughts to paper, or in this case, "cyber"- paper. I will actually be surprised yet thrilled inside if people actually take time to read these blogs. For those who become accustomed to my site, you will find out I can be random and outrageous at times. And on the other hand I can be serious and contemplative. I will share my loves and hates, my aspirations and dreams and above all, the emotions that come with being me. I'm an actor and a student so as you can imagine drama is naturally apart of my life. But I won't bring it into our blogging relationship...only sometimes. I want my blog to be an outlet for thought, creativity and expression. I will be bold sometimes and not hold back...but tis one of the rare beauties of this country. I can have a blog, say whatever the hell I want...(and potentially suffer the consequences) but still have the ability to express myself. I am far too tired at the moment to begin my blogging experience, but in the coming days, years and so on...you will hear countless thoughts and ramblings from a lover, worker and a dreamer.