GLEE.

I'm sitting in class. I would much rather be on a sound stage filming. I daydream so much that reality just seems like such a blur. I am not quite aware of how to get to where I want to be but I know I want to be there. SO badly. Painfully so. It consumes my desires, my passions, my drive and my will. I want this. I do. I want this more then anything--please God, please universe--lend me this opportunity. Please get me in that door and I can work my magic, breathe in what you have leant me and just do it. There is so much to do, so much to show--in a vast sea of hopes and lost dreamers I submerge as a soul who vows to create change and give life to a future. I would be the happiest, the most content creature--pining for a chance. Luck. I need it. I'll make my own. I've got to--it's in me.

From the get go I felt a strange and magnetic pull to this--like I would serendipitously get this chance one day. Did I blow it? Hopefully not. What is done is done. There could have been a million and one ways I could have shown my personality and talent...but only one shot...Chance. I want another chance to show em' what I got. Who I am. I have SO much to give. I am brutally reminded as I sit in class that this is not a life I want to live--I want to bust down these stale brick walls and fly above the expectations everyone seems to have set for me. Constant battering, "You know it's a publicity stunt" or "there are far too many people for this to be real" or "you really think you have a chance?". I know. I am aware. But maybe just maybe I have optimistic hopes of being that one diamond in the ruff they'll find--discover and cultivate. The facts are there are a lot of people who can sing and dance and act--but I honestly feel I could fit the definitions of this show perfectly. And I have been overwhelmed by the support from friends, family and sometimes strangers who come across my video audition.

For those that doubt...you say publicity stunt...I say opportunity. And that is when I realize I'm a dreamer again--just trying to rope in a star--t0 keep it, to hold it and to chase it. SO many people want to do this--but why in the world can't I? I'm different and I suppose that is the most beautiful thing about "Glee"--celebrating and living in the awkward and endearing differences that lie within each of us. I firmly believe in putting your thoughts, desires and dreams out into the open...to be sucked up by God and the universe--so here I am doing that (just as I have been). I KNOW I can do this. I KNOW I gots this. Help me out. Lend a hand. Let chance be my companion and change my future for the better. :)

5 days--there will be five days of videos--some bad, some good--some endearing and some annoying. They will be as diverse as mankind itself. All with one goal--to get the part. Another shot. Another chance. Cue "God I hope I get it" from "A Chorus Line"...I will undoubtedly think of the auditions everyday but should remind myself to stop thinking about competition or anything--it doesn't matter at this point--I just want to be seen and have another shot. Truly. It's out of my hands--I just need to breathe in optimism and stay hopeful. I may be walking on a dream...but it is firmly rooted in ambition and drive. Braden Davis for "GLEE"!

Bubble.

I love and hate this world sometimes. But right now, in this split second of time I love the way the world works. Behind everything that is bad or evil there is good. Humans are everywhere...there are so many we have met and there are so many we have yet to meet. We can either choose to remain in a small bubble and not break out of it or we could...for a moment...break our awkward silence and puncture through our fears into the unknown and be greatly rewarded.

Very Mary-Kate.

I'm probably behind the times but I just discovered these videos...they are amazing.

A Boy Can Dream...

I'm just a boy. A child in this world. Naive and not quite accustomed to reality yet. I see life be cruel. I see it be proud. And I see it be REAL. People say I am a dreamer...but I am NOT the only one. I am among millions...trillions of individuals who dream of one day making their life better...and yes God I know I am no more special then the girl to my left or the boy on my right. But I do want this. Badly. A shot. A chance. I'm just a boy with dreams...optimistic but ready to tackle anything that comes in the way of my dreams...

Jesus.

I went to church today....

it felt really good to feel welcomed.

Bitter. Party of One.

Relationships. Relationships. Relationships. (Try saying that fast six times). Why are we...(humans)...obsessed with this intense desire to find a boyfriend or girlfriend. Hooking up, cruising, sex. Humans are animals. Beasts. Sex drives the size of Jupiter. But it must just be me recently or the people around me, but I have been so insanely nauseated by couples. No offense to my friends who are happily dating...but seriously, it is annoying. Yes I will be the first one to admit that I have checked into the Bitter Hotel, however, couples just give me so many damn reasons to hate romantic love. Even the friends of mine who vowed to never get cheesy or annoying...DID. Is it a part of the relationship contract to giggle like a school girl or make out like it is going out of business? Never separate or have your own opinions or schedule?Sometimes, when couples make out so much in public or fondle each other it leads me to think they have something to prove. The dude has to tell the world that he has the biggest dick in the room so he straddles his poor little girlfriend--almost marking his territory. Bestial. We are beasts. Yes we were all born with sex drives that kicked in when we hit that awkward little stage in life called "puberty". But does that mean we have to constantly find some random stranger or individual to pleasure us so we can get a quick orgasm? It lasts for a moment. ONE moment.

I don't know. Maybe it is just me but I am over that. Human sexuality is just a joke to me. We try to put everyone in little boxes and manufacture labels on everyone and tell everyone who they can and cannot sleep with or who we think they are sleeping with or are attracted to. Obviously from history and the media and real life itself, we can tell that human sexuality is uninhibited and cannot be put under a label or category. I am fascinated with it. Attraction in general. When we are in love our brains fall out of our ass and our hearts steer us to what we believe to be the right direction. The biggest problem is that we often misplace our heart for our genitals or vice versa. This is nothing that hasn't been said before, it is just mulling over in my mind...over and over again. I am 21. I have had four...almost five relationships and even then I STILL don't know what it means to love someone or be in love. In fact, all of those relationships were in high school. It has been what...three years since I have had a semi serious relationship that lasted past a night. So needless to say I AM a little bitter...not all the time...but sometimes certain people or events trigger this rant. Everyone always tells me..."you say you won't act like a fool when you find that special someone, but trust us when you do you won't know what hit you" or "you are going to find the person of your dreams and when you do...you will forever be changed, they will surprise you and you will surprise yourself". Well, I would like to please ask the universe...well when the hell am I going to feel that? I am certainly not one of those people that need to be in serious relationships constantly. In fact I have little respect for people who can't live independently and learn about themselves in the process of living their own journey. People who depend on other people for their happiness are boring and weak. Harsh...but true. There are those that search for love and get hurt and their are those that love comes to. I am still waiting for the second option.

It is so funny because when I thought I was finally ready to want and have a companion...opportunities were presented and I realized how NOT ready I was. The point is I am just like any other human with a blood pumping heart--I want to share and be intimate with someone else. I want to share everything--my thoughts, my beliefs, my body and not feel judged or short changed. Hook ups can be great here and there...but they aren't my thing. I don't even know why I am writing about this...I sound like a stupid whiny 14 year old girl. The point is...when it comes down to it...so much of our culture and our lives as we know it--is based on the fact that there is apparently somebody for all of us. Everyone feels like they are entitled to love (which I believe is a true conviction)...however, people's expectations are sometimes a little grander then reality. Live your life, follow your dreams and if someone happens to come a long and change your life in that way, run with it.

Earthquake.

Survived my first earthquake.

7.2

Happy Easter Los Angeles!

Equality U.

I couldn't embed this on my blog but I do have the link: everyone needs to watch this documentary. You need to watch "Jesus Camp" but it is too upsetting to post.

http://www.logotv.com/video/equality-u/1602603/playlist.jhtml

Equality for everyone. NOW.

Ricky Martin is a Homosexual?

So I know it was such a shocker when Ricky Martin announced yesterday that he was a "fortunate homosexual man". I mean it isn't like he had two children through in vitro fertilization or the fact that his hips swing like a gay man at a disco in ALL of his music videos. Not to mention that really awkward interview with Barbara Wa-Wa in 2000 (which I will post below). Basically just like Clay Aiken...we all saw it coming. However, after all of this media buzz about Ricky Martin--I realized how taboo and absurd the topic of sexual identity is. First of all--Ricky Martin was a sensation for some reason other then his sexuality. Yes everybody wanted to do him but why did it take him 11 years to embrace something that shouldn't even be an issue. America in particular thrives on finding out the sexual identities of every celebrity--I am sure they are already trying to peg Justin Bieber as a lesbian...oh wait he is a boy. If Justin Timberlake or Gerard Butler came out tomorrow as an openly gay man the world would be in shambles. But why? First of all who care about JT and the Butler anyway and why do we care about celebrities to begin with? Yes they have more money then we do and yes they have reached success from luck and opportunity but I could give a shit about who they are sleeping with at the end of the night.

Barbara Wa Wa learned from her mistakes:

People need to get out of the 1920' s value system and stop sniffing out the gays. Does everyone have to question your sexuality...does it always have to be that obvious. Be who you are. Embrace individuality and don't give a flying fuck about judgement because people will always judge because they are bored with their own lives. Good for you Ricky but it isn't like we all didn't know...there is no need to formally come out. You know when you know.

Time is Flying.

Wow. Time goes by when you are having fun doesn't it? Or when you aren't having fun too...time just flies. Period. Minutes pass into hours and so on and life goes on. God knows the last time I wrote a blog entry. So much has happened since then and now I find myself further along on this crazy journey.

In a place like California, the weather is always relatively warm but lately it has been PERFECT. I am enjoying spring but can feel summer dancing in the skies. I have been incredibly busy. Within the semester and a half that I have been at USC I have managed to be in three consecutive shows--each an experience in its self...it appears to me it just seems to get better with each show, as do my performances I think. I learn the most as an actor from being in a show. The last show I was in "Grapes of Wrath" was a beautiful ensemble piece directed by an amazing director, Stephanie Shroyer and it had an amazing cast. It was one of those experiences in the theatre that was religious. Not to mention I bonded with my cast-mates and even got the chance to perform in front of THE powerhouse acting couple: Felicity Huffman and William H. Macy--and they gave a standing ovation (it was out of a dream). To have actors of that caliber stand for a performance is amazing.

Another exciting step I am currently taking is working on signing with a commercial agent. I sent many submissions online of my headshot and resume and got a bite from a nice sized boutique agency in Studio City. I must admit, getting that phone call from them was one of the highlights of my life thus far. It was just instant validation: someone has faith in me and finds me marketable as an actor or client. I had my first meeting and had no idea what to expect except from what I had already been warned and told from fellow friends and actors who have agents. They were very friendly...a little intimidating but friendly nonetheless. I mean the office is a couple doors down from GLEE casting. It felt relatively good. I spoke with the two receptionists for fifteen minutes and they were wonderful. Then I met with the commercial agent herself, Annie and she was yes intimidating a bit but very forward and all around nice to be around. We spoke of so many elements of what goes into being represented and unions and SAG and all of that jazz. It was enlightening. Perhaps the most enlightening part was when she blatantly said, "I am going to be honest with you...I hate your headshots...HATE THEM". Now this may seem extreme but I had been warned an agent would say that, but she was extremely friendly in referring me to still slightly expensive but sort of reasonable photographers that could take headshots that captured my essence and showed the real me. Apparently I look far better in person then my pictures...she said I could do better. I thought my photos were just fine and enjoyed taking them but I suppose they aren't completely professional. So although I felt a little bit discouraged, in the end she asked if I could come back and do a monologue for her and the head of the theatrical division. I was thrilled...it wasn't a no...at least not yet. They wouldn't carry on business with me if they weren't interested. So they are interested. Which is really cool. I am going back on April 7th to come in and do a monologue for them. I was supposed to go in last week but had the devil's sickness (and apparently liver issues?!) so I had to reschedule, but even then they were extremely inviting and sympathetic (at least the receptionists). The only thing is now I have to somehow come up with the 300 hundred something dollars it costs to take new headshots...which is stressing me out.

Basically I need to make money. Now that I am not in a show anymore I am going to use this time to either search for employment somewhere or find some quick way to make money (no prostitution is not a resort for me...yet). Since school is winding down with a little more then a month left...everything seems to be happening again and I couldn't even begin to think how stressed I would be if I were in a show right now. I am going to be in the studio audience for Jimmy Kimmel live two times within the upcoming weeks (once on Thursday with Carey Mulligan and a couple weeks later with Zoe Saldana...I think that is how you spell her name...Avatar and Center Stage lady). So that should be fun. After doing so much theatre and acting for such a long period of time, it is nice to have a little break from that world so I can see the real world and refresh myself as an actor but even more importantly, a human being and an artist.

I went to Hawaii for Spring Break since we won a free trip basically to Maui from The Grove shopping center in L.A. Our room was sea side and beautiful and we didn't have to pay for parking, rental car, flight or lodging. Just our expenses when we were there. Within the five days and six nights that I was there I did many things I have never done before and am proud to say I now have done them. I basically felt like I was on LOST and in Avatar/Pandora for five days, six nights. It was glorious. Oh and did I say I chilled with some hippies on a nude beach with drum circles. Yes...that happened.

So much more stuff has happened since my last blog that it is difficult to sum it all up into another entry without at least forgetting some important statistics...which I am bound to do. Now I find myself questioning what to do for summer. I am so confused. I thought I was going to stay in L.A. for the summer and attempt to find a real day job or internship and audition, etc...especially if I end up signing with this agent. I might have to end up staying here if I do end up signing if Annie is going to be sending me out on auditions during the summer...I dunno...I'll have to work it out because I am just so ridiculously homesick right now. My family came out to see me for the first time in a collegiate level show. URINETOWN. They loved it and it happened to fall on my birthday weekend...only problem was that I was sick during it and their trip...they didn't mind, they loved California, especially my dad. Yeah that is right I spent my 21st birthday not at rehearsal or at a bar or club but IN MY PARENT's HOTEL BED. Whatever, 21st birthdays aren't ever as cool as they seem. The point is...I won't see my parents for eight months if I don't go home over the summer. And I have a feeling once I stay there for two weeks I would want to stay longer and it would be really hard to leave home.

PLUS depending on the status of my Ben and Jerry's job in FoCo that could be a deal breaker. I have worked there for the past two summers/years and would love to return there because I would be home and making money. The only thing I am concerned about at this point is that if I tell Annie I am thinking of going to Colorado for the summer that she won't sign me as a client. I don't know. I worry too much. And too often. The great thing is that these are great problems to worry about. I just have to take it one step at a time (you know like that horrid Jordin Sparks song).

This Business...

...is so time consuming. But I love it.

Not Your Dog.

It's funny how you think you can waltz in here and patronize me. Like I am some dog of yours. You don't own me, no one does for that matter. You are merely an insecure individual preying on others. Sure you are "talented" but are you? Or is it your drive that exceeds your limits? Why is it that you always seem to take what I want? That you desire the same objectives and things in life? What are your motives? We all want the same things in life. We all want success and fortunes. But does that mean that I am the one at your expense. Sure, come on in and take my friends. Sure...just go ahead. Act like you know everything, are older then me...yeah patronize me. The funny thing is you are so naive and you are so oblivious. You are unreal. Why are you the one? The one who gets everything? Does everything? It is okay. Karma is a BITCH.

Buzz. Buzz. Buzz.

I'm buzzing. Buzzing with anticipation. Excitement for the future. For the infinite possibilities. I may be a dreamer but at least I pursue my dreams.

Clutter.

It is a pretty scary thing. Coming to terms with yourself. And so when you make nice with yourself and accept yourself for who you are...the barriers shatter and you realize...you become a lot happier. There will always be that one person or that group of people that won't accept you for who you are. But you know what...as they always say...I would rather someone hate me for who I am then someone love me for something I am not. Clutter is never a good thing in someone's life. It can become an obstacle. It can swallow you whole and drive you insane. That is why ever so slowly...every day...you have to work at abstracting the clutter in your life. The negatives. The guilt. The secrets. The lies. What use is worrying about the clutter and trash when you could be enjoying life. I may not be fully accepting of myself yet...and I know it will take time to become comfortable in my own skin, but God as my witness...I will be content about who I am one day...because while I may not realize it yet I know that others see how great of a human being I am.

You Win Some. You Lose Some.

Let me speak frankly for the next several minutes. After viewing Peter Jackson's The Lovely Bones, I am at a loss of complete coherence...so forgive the rambling. The movie wasn't the most amazing but it brought up a lot of deep thoughts on life and what happens after life. The movie inspired me to read the book which I just received as a Christmas present from one of my friends back in Colorado. Anyhoo...I am not blogging about The Lovely Bones...I am talking about life...which kind of has to deal with the film I suppose. Here is the thing: life is unexpected. You win some. You lose some. You may think you have it down...and then you get a wild card thrown at you. This much is true in my profession...even on the collegiate theatre level. You nail an audition...feel really good about it (and see that the director liked it too) but then you don't get a callback. Do you completely freak out? Or do you figure out what went wrong? Neither...because worrying about it on any level won't do you ANY good. It is a funny thing...empathy. Especially in the acting world...and in such a setting as a theatre school. You arrive at the callboard buzzing with nerves and anxiety for the outcome. What is going to happen? I'm going to walk up to that board and scan nervously. I either see my name and do jumping jacks in my head...or literally do jumping jacks. Or there is the alternative...I walk up to the board and scan nervously...and continue to scan...and continue to scan...take a moment to walk away...then return to the board nervously...hoping my eyes misread the first time. My name is not on the board. Deep breath. Don't let anyone know your ego has been bitch slapped just a little. Smile. Nod. Then say how happy you are for the others. Then walk away.

That would be the normal thing to do...that us actors all do too well.

But today when I arrived at the callboard at school I was surprised at how well I handled my fate. You see here is the thing: unlike a majority of the people who auditioned for EVERY SINGLE SHOW available, I only auditioned for two: Into the Woods and Grapes of Wrath. Unlike a majority of these people I have literally been in rehearsals since August between A Dream Play and Urinetown...which I am currently wrapping up here shortly. The point is: I have been working. Loving it...for most of the time and struggling through the stress. But at the end of the day I can say I have been very productive. Being that I found some sort of inspiration to blog this evening at nearly 2am this blog is a little long winded and unscripted to apologize for my frank thoughts. I wouldn't lie to you...whoever you are that finds this blog. This blog is for me mainly. Therapeutic. Mainly I like the sound and feeling of the key board clicking as I type freakishly fast. Anyhoo...tangent...where was I...auditions...right...the usual...the point is my auditions this week came amidst long hours in class and Urinetown rehearsals. And yet I performed two GREAT auditions for both shows. As an actor you always know when your performance was on in an audition and my performance WAS on in my musical audition and later on for the BFA show. It is a rare and amazing moment when a director says to you, "That was a treat. Thank you so much for that...seriously". Trust me...it is my pleasure to find a director calling my work "a treat". But long story short...I did not get called back for Into the Woods and have yet to find out about the BFA show. But here is my thought process...

When I took a double take at that big board filled with names and characters and room numbers and times...and saw that my name was not on the board...as I had grown so accustomed to. I didn't blame myself. I didn't blame the directors. I didn't blame peers or fellow actors. I instead accepted the fact that I was not exactly what the director was looking for and that I could still walk away from that board with my dignity in tact because I know I had an awesome audition. Sure it is kind of a bitch when friends/fellow cast mates of yours DID get called back and they feel all awkward when you congratulate them but they don't know what to say back since they can't be like, "Congrats to you too...". The funny thing is at that point...I am probably over it and the other person is just standing their like a woodland creature in the headlights. What I am trying to say is that I have faced rejection and critique practically all my life...and I have had too many tantrums and pity parties to go through it again. I am a professional. If I ever want to truly work in this industry like I have been I need to continue being positive and hopeful for my future. Of course I'm not going to say I wouldn't have like to have been on that list...I would have loved to be in Into the Woods or at least be called back and try to show them more of what I had to offer...but clearly they were going for a specific look (ahem...height more like it...) but there is still the delicious ambiguity of Grapes of Wrath (I seem to alternate between straights plays and musicals). Who knows...perhaps the director told the "Woods" director that she had a part in mind for me...or perhaps she didn't. I might not be in the show at all...but you know what. I wouldn't mind that. I would love to continue to work as an actor and learn in such an environment while I still can...but if its not in the cards...its not in the cards. You can't force things. Everything...and I mean everything happens for a reason. There are so many exciting things happening outside of USC's theatre community that I want to have a part of. I mean come on, I moved to Hollywood and Los Angeles for a reason. I want to begin looking for agents and working on internships and going out on auditions...being a REAL REAL REAL REAL actor. I am so thankful for the experiences I have had at USC thus far (as far as theatre, etc goes) because it has given me the opportunity to flourish again into the fun loving individual that I am and connect with new casts and families. The glass isn't even half full or empty--its bubbling over with possibility. 2010 is the year of positivity, adventures, growth and new experiences. I could be like a majority of the people who walk up to that board and shatter like a porcelain doll...but I am not going to let ONE college show get in the way of what I want to do. So here's to whatever happens with the shows this semester...cause God knows I will have my hands full no matter what! I'll drink to that!

Inspirations

The following have inspired me and excited me once again about being an actor and having the possibility to work in such an amazing industry (when done right).

Recess...Snow.

Twisty turvy. That is the only way I can explain how I feel right now. Twisty...turvy. This grade school description of myself is more complicated then it seems. It is as if I am on the playground during recess...exposed to so much but confused with what to do with it all. This game of hello and goodbye takes a toll on my wee little mind. I tell myself take a break yet I continue to stress myself out. I tell myself I'm making dinner for family and friends and they say you are making it for your friends not us. It is kind of funny how everything gets warped--emotions, intentions, events, words, speech...I don't really know what to think of anything really right now. I have certain things I am excited for and certain things I am not. Being home is a blessing and in the rare moment a curse. Just when I get too comfortable something comes to bite me in the ass. Life. You bitchy mistress. But I am not going to dwell on the negative because I swore to myself that this year: 2010 and the new year would mark a year of positivity and adventures.

I need to realize that sometimes you are just going to feel like the bottom of a toilet. Like you want to give up on your dreams and your goals. But then there will be inspirational days where you want to rejoice and proclaim how happy you are out loud. There will always be hello's and goodbye's...I must realize this above all. I invest so many emotions into whatever I do that sometimes it doesn't feel like I am actually living or feeling them at all. It is like adolescence all over again...I mean technically I still am a child...going on 21 soon...but it is just all so confusing. Do I want to play four square with friends, hop scotch, jungle gym, tag, capture the flag...or do I just want to sit out of any sort of recess game and observe. I don't know. But that is the good/bad thing about life--you don't have to know everything at any given moment. Living in ambiguity is sometimes a good thing. I often say that when you become too comfortable you have to change things up because while being comfortable is often a good thing it can often leave to your demise as well. You make mistakes and you learn from them, if not the first time, hopefully by the 10000th.

I am going back to a school I have only been at for a semester. Even though I still know people there now I have only been there for a semester. And unlike some people who make 10000707968 acquaintances I make a dozen really really close friends and keep up with acquaintances. So being back in a school where only some know me is a little precarious. But it is okay. I am going to keep on doing my thing like I have been and hopefully people will notice me along the way. It is snowing on my last full day in Colorado. I am enjoying it. It comforts me. Off to get my hairs cut.