GLEE.

I'm sitting in class. I would much rather be on a sound stage filming. I daydream so much that reality just seems like such a blur. I am not quite aware of how to get to where I want to be but I know I want to be there. SO badly. Painfully so. It consumes my desires, my passions, my drive and my will. I want this. I do. I want this more then anything--please God, please universe--lend me this opportunity. Please get me in that door and I can work my magic, breathe in what you have leant me and just do it. There is so much to do, so much to show--in a vast sea of hopes and lost dreamers I submerge as a soul who vows to create change and give life to a future. I would be the happiest, the most content creature--pining for a chance. Luck. I need it. I'll make my own. I've got to--it's in me.

From the get go I felt a strange and magnetic pull to this--like I would serendipitously get this chance one day. Did I blow it? Hopefully not. What is done is done. There could have been a million and one ways I could have shown my personality and talent...but only one shot...Chance. I want another chance to show em' what I got. Who I am. I have SO much to give. I am brutally reminded as I sit in class that this is not a life I want to live--I want to bust down these stale brick walls and fly above the expectations everyone seems to have set for me. Constant battering, "You know it's a publicity stunt" or "there are far too many people for this to be real" or "you really think you have a chance?". I know. I am aware. But maybe just maybe I have optimistic hopes of being that one diamond in the ruff they'll find--discover and cultivate. The facts are there are a lot of people who can sing and dance and act--but I honestly feel I could fit the definitions of this show perfectly. And I have been overwhelmed by the support from friends, family and sometimes strangers who come across my video audition.

For those that doubt...you say publicity stunt...I say opportunity. And that is when I realize I'm a dreamer again--just trying to rope in a star--t0 keep it, to hold it and to chase it. SO many people want to do this--but why in the world can't I? I'm different and I suppose that is the most beautiful thing about "Glee"--celebrating and living in the awkward and endearing differences that lie within each of us. I firmly believe in putting your thoughts, desires and dreams out into the open...to be sucked up by God and the universe--so here I am doing that (just as I have been). I KNOW I can do this. I KNOW I gots this. Help me out. Lend a hand. Let chance be my companion and change my future for the better. :)

5 days--there will be five days of videos--some bad, some good--some endearing and some annoying. They will be as diverse as mankind itself. All with one goal--to get the part. Another shot. Another chance. Cue "God I hope I get it" from "A Chorus Line"...I will undoubtedly think of the auditions everyday but should remind myself to stop thinking about competition or anything--it doesn't matter at this point--I just want to be seen and have another shot. Truly. It's out of my hands--I just need to breathe in optimism and stay hopeful. I may be walking on a dream...but it is firmly rooted in ambition and drive. Braden Davis for "GLEE"!

Montezuma's Revenge.

My life is funny. I find myself in a washing machine--not stuck, but tossing and turning aimlessly. I am not disappointed in myself. I have come VERY far...but I have a long way to go. I'm a dreamer yes, but I am also a do-er. I have dreams but I want to ACCOMPLISH them. I have accomplished several of these dreams and goals of mine within the last several months already. I am living in Los Angeles. I am a theatre major at THE USC. I have already been in a show within my first semester here and hope to be in many more! I am beginning to submit myself for agents and what have you. I would say that is a long way from being out of school and working at a Ben and Jerry's in Fort Collins, Colorado. Don't get me wrong...I miss home, quite a bit (especially my family and friends and the snow since it is snow-less here in California). But I am making new friends and LOVING not always being cold, although I like to have my doses of the seasons...snow included.

I am proud of how assertive I have been. Transferring schools...especially transferring to a big school like USC is NOT easy, however, because of jumping right in I have already met amazing friends and companions. I have learned many lessons and continue to test myself and my abilities as a performer. "A Dream Play" was one of the most agitating experiences because it was so complicated and I was constantly judging myself and questioning what more could be brought to my performance. In the end "A Dream Play" was a success and although it was not my best performance in my life, it was AN EXPERIENCE. Life is an experience. Taking in events and images and adapting. Changing. Evolving. I would not be where I am today socially or in any vain if it wasn't for my impulse to soar. I am such a dreamer and there are so many things I want to accomplish in this life. But I am also a realist and know that there is a mountain to climb in order to obtain every single goal and dream of mine.

I was sick since last Tuesday and missing classes and lying hopelessly on a couch did not make me happy. It still does not make me happy. Sure having some leisure time is absolutely wonderful, but I am someone who can't be stationary for too long--I freak out. I have to be moving, working towards a goal. Yes the big dreams of mine are kinda murky simply because there is so much to do in order to get to that point. But I can't look at the whole picture now...I have to take it one step at a time. One baby step at a time. An inch at a time. Then a foot then a mile and so on. Life is a process...it is a journey. Not a destination (yes I ripped off someone's famous quote wuah wuah). But yes. It sounds so simple yet it is a daunting task to accomplish. It doesn't help that I feel constantly overwhelmed. I honestly have been going, going, going since I moved here...and I continue to be busy. But busy is better then boring in my opinion.

I went to "Knott's Scary Farm" on the eve of Halloween with a couple friends. It was such a refreshing and invigorating experience. Between the milieu of haunted mazes (they always picked me to follow...I suppose I stand out) and amazing roller coasters it truly was a fun but exhausting evening. One of my favorite rides we rode that night was called "Montezuma's Revenge". The roller coaster takes off incredibly fast (like rip your face off fast) and then going through a colorful ring of light then upside down and then the same thing backwards...it is truly a rush. The entire time leading up to the actual ride itself was painful and nerve-wrecking. I sat there watching each batch of people fly away to their doom and them return shortly after. But once I was strapped in there was no going back. And you want to know something--it was one of the best experiences I have ever had. Something so small but significant. You can try to close your eyes and ignore the experience that is surrounding you, or you can open your eyes and go on a fantastic and awesome ride. I am going to try to take advantage of everything that comes my way and seek out opportunities that don't. As long as I am living I will be happy...even if I have my set backs every so often...but that is apart of life in itself.

Wow.

I leave for Los Angeles in (roughly) a week. Dear Lord. I have yet to pack. The roller coaster is finally beginning to board its one passenger. It is going to be a wild ride. I have already deposited the money for the first month of rent so I officially have a house in Los Angeles starting Saturday...I just won't be there til a week after. Wow. And now I am beginning to regret spending more time with my family. But hey, no regrets. I have to move forward. I hung out with my little little brother this morning and saw the new Harry Potter again...it was glorious. I enjoy his company. It is comforting knowing my entire family is under one roof...I have to get used to not having that...yet again.

As of now I have no idea how I am getting out to Los Angeles...either way I will have to do it without my parents. Blurg. But at the same time I feel that it will be an emotional yet therapeutic journey to go through by myself. Hopefully I will be driving out to L.A. with a dear friend of mine. It is a two day trip basically...and I feel like it will be a great transition into independence once again. Wow...just typing about it, is making me so excited. I am MOVING TO LOS ANGELES...HOLLYWOOD. I am really doing this. For months I have been complaining, worrying and bitching about the future. How can I now when such an exciting adventure is about to happen? Not being in LA has hindered many potential opportunities that I could of had in the past...but now I am actually going to be there! I can show up to auditions and show them what I got.

Yes...I might not be auditioning for some Nickelodeon pilot or have all of the connections...but this is all new to me. I have time. Patience. Patience. Patience. What matters is that I will be there amongst all of those people. Eventually I will find an agent and book jobs outside of school. And meanwhile...I will be training in my craft. What could be better for an actor? All I can say is wow. Yes I haven't booked anything yet...but I have a right to be incredibly excited. The future is exciting. Here I was in Colorado for six months...and I felt helpless...now I feel strong. Like I am taking the reigns and making my dreams concrete...maliable...and REAL. Wow. :)

Speed.

I sit beside myself. It is 12:29 AM Wednesday morning...the 29th of July. Yes the 29th. Perhaps it is just me but this summer feels like it has been on speed. That or I have been working so much that my life is now a vortex of ice cream and bitchy customers. But that is NOT true. I have actually been so busy between work and seeing friends and family that I have not really been able to relax. In fact I have not slept in my own bed for three days. Yeah thats right. I suppose that is not terribly bad but I love sleeping in my own bed within the comfort of my own home. I didn't even have time to bathe today...yeah it is that sad. I don't think it is going to slow down either.

I feel like I am riding a roller coaster but I am so oblivious of the emotions or what is actually transpiring. I hate feeling like this. Like I am in a black and white photo asking myself...where the hell did the color go? I see my family and friends who I love dearly...and I enjoy their company...but I don't truly feel alive. Maybe if I actually felt the emotions it would be too much. But I don't think that is the case. It was the other day in my dad's car where I had my first big breakdown since God knows when. Tears EVERYWHERE. And for mere moments I felt alive. I want that again. I want to be able to be excited for my future in LA and to actually feel it, instead of complacently nod my head in "happiness". I want to feel the waves.

And I realize as I come back to the internet that exciting things are happening to other people as well as myself. One of my friends (old roomie) is auditioning for Nickelodeon for a show. And people are having exciting opportunities unfolded to them. I must say I am happy but eager for it to be my turn. It always seems like I watch all of this good stuff happen to everyone around me and am just waiting til it strikes me. Hopefully it will. I have faith that it will. I wouldn't be moving for no reason. This is supposed to happen for a reason. Yes I don't expect to land a giant role on a sitcom the moment I land in Los Angeles...but I do expect to experience a fun journey. A roller coaster of sorts. With hard work, drive, talent and my dedication I know I can get there. Eventually!

Keep Breathing.

The storm is coming but i don't mind.
People are dying, i close my blinds.

All that i know is i'm breathing now.

I want to change the world...instead i sleep.
I want to believe in more than you and me.

But all that i know is i'm breathing.
All i can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.

All that i know is i'm breathing.
All i can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.

All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.

Topsy-Turvy.

My mind is a jumble of discarded memories. Fragments of the past and estimated guesses at the future. What I know is what I feel. And I feel jittery. That pre-first kiss jitter. Your hands are shaking, your mind is running wild and you can't help but throw up a little in your mouth. You know you will probably enjoy it...but there is that slight chance that they might miss your mouth or you might bump into their chin...you might screw up. But you got there for a reason. You are sitting with that person because of a certain chain of events that have lead up to that very point.

Often I wonder how the hell I got to this point. Where I am right now. Two years ago I was in a similar situation. A bright and fresh high school graduate excited but nervous as hell to journey to Chicago to become an actor...to train in a Theatre Conservatory. Yet I pulled through. I made bunches of friends, learned so many valuable lessons and became a better actor and person because of it. Then cut to Christmas evening mid-sophomore year, where a huge decision was made. It was then that I told my parents that perhaps going back to Roosevelt wasn't the best idea. I try to pin-point the origins of my negative feelings towards CCPA and I can't really decide when it began. I was never UNHAPPY there. I had AMAZING friends and was testing my abilities as an actor, performer and individual. Some of my favorite memories came from my year and a half in Chicago. I saw Oprah, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. I saw all of the Olympians AND Oprah for a second time. I laughed, I cried and I grew up. So why is it that I STILL feel guilty about leaving everyone and my past behind.

I am reading "The Power of Now" and Eckhart Tolle continues to state that looking in the past will not help you find happiness. It will only hurt you. I think we learn from our past but like Mr. Tolle says, I also think that it is important to live in the present...for the present is what matters. Tomorrow is not guaranteed...and no point in wallowing in past mistakes or errors. But as I continue to live day to day I can't help but notice things seem to be muted. Sounds are not the same. Colors are not as vibrant and emotions are hard to tap into. When I think of this past Christmas when I made one of the most important decisions of my life, I think of how fast everything went. Within a week I went from living an independent life in Chicago to living with my family again. Not that I haven't enjoyed their company because that is anything but the truth. I have loved living back at home with the family (even though we have had our moments). One problem however, is that I have become semi-shy again. This makes me nervous because I have not been shy since I can remember.

When I initially came home from school I was bubbling with excitement for the future. Several of my Chicago friends envied me because I was leaving to "go onto bigger and better things" with my life. To take some "time off" from school and to see the REAL WORLD...not this bubble we called the acting conservatory. Living at home was fine for the first couple of months. Besides the needle in the hay sack search for a job I was enjoying rekindling old friendships and being in the comfort of my own home once again. But something was missing...I wasn't engaging in the love of my life...the drug that makes me shiver with complete euphoria...ACTING...PERFORMING...SINGING. I had a daily routine...wake up go to work, see friends, see family, stay up late then repeat. Then work some more. Work, work, work. Scooping ice cream at Ben and Jerry's is hardly artistic. In fact it isn't at all. I was not getting my high that I have lived off of for years...since I was a child. I crave it again. But NOW I feel as if I am rusty.

By a series of interesting and random events I applied to the University of Southern California and its internationally acclaimed theatre program. While I tried my hardest to get in and spent days on the application I did not want to set my hopes high. People...close friends and family included, told me to start thinking of back up plans because I "probably wouldn't get in to USC, and definitely would have issues with admissions into the theatre program". Low and behold...months later...I was accepted. I always had a slight ray of hope in me...it is what gets you through as an actor and as a person period. As Harvey Milk said, "You've got to give them HOPE". And now in mere weeks I am on my way to Los Angeles (epicenter of entertainment) to pursue my acting career as well as train at the USC's acclaimed Theatre Program. It seems now that people don't question me anymore. As my mother says to her friends, "If Braden wants something he will get it. It's that simple". I'm proud of that part of my personality. I am driven.

But the rusty part...because of this lapse in time from any form of acting or theatre or cinema I feel as though I am going to be a giant let down to the faculty and my peers, etc. I continue to invision auditions...stepping out onto the stage and just performing an EPIC FAIL. BOMBING. But I can't think like that. I also envision moving out there and being eaten by the parasites known as the millions of unknown actors, musicians and artists living in Los Angeles. But then I just have to tell myself. I got into the school for a reason. It is a sign. Not only is it a damn competitive University to get into but I ACTUALLY GOT ACCEPTED...not waitlisted or denied but ACCEPTED. I am worthy. That is all that matters. But being the sometimes melodramatic artist I am I always question the talent that people see in me. But you have to...it is what keeps you going, what makes your ego small and what forces you to keep on trying and change things up.

I have already met a bus load of USC students on Facebook (theatre and non theatre) and they have taken well to me thus far. I am living in a nice house with three fellow actors and I have (what people tell me to be...) a likeable personality. What have I got to lose. I have only dreamed and prayed for the day to come when I am jet setting to Los Angeles to pursue my acting career. I am actually pursuing it. Physically moving all of my things and myself to the other side of the country to make my dreams come true. People can't make fun of me for that. So many people are talkers...and I have been for the past semester, but now I am actually DOING IT...and that is exciting. And now as my very long and rambling blog entry comes to a close I am in a subdued yet pleasant mind set. People are cheering me on here and in Chicago. They know this is for the best and many exciting opportunities will come from this path I have decided to take. Beneath all of the absurd anxiety is excitement and absolute euphoria for the future. My only hope is that it all falls into place and I begin to see the vibrant colors I have missed for so long.

I know it will be hard but I also know that it will be fun. I will hopefully meet all of these people I have been talking to on Facebook and just fit right in. I have done this before. I am a TRANSFER...at least this isn't the first time for me. It is still fucking horrifying but I have a hand up on this game. Right now I am living on my drive and my family and friends. My old and very talented roommate and friend said to me, "Braden you will make it because you are hella talented". This is not the first time I have heard this...and that is enough to keep me going. I have nothing to prove... I just have a lot to show.

I Am DIFFERENT.

You may stare at me as I pass you by on the street.
You may gawk and heckle at my very lengthy and awkward limbs.
You may say certain things to bring me down.
Call me names...give me labels...tell me my dreams are worthless.
You might even try to put me in a box...
...say that I am only certain things and can only accomplish certain things...
but you are wrong.
I will break this box that you are so eager to place me in.
Because listen bitches...I am different.
I was placed on this earth to BE different.
To bring something DIFFERENT to the table.
I may not drive a BMW like everyone in LA.
I may not look like Brad Pitt.
I may not be proportionate...I may have immensely long limbs.
BUT THAT MAKES ME UNIQUE...
DIFFERENT from you and Jo Schmo next door or down the street.
Yes everyone wants to become a "celebrity" or make it big...but I am different.
I'm willing to work to get to where I need to be.
I am willing to test myself and show the world who I am.
I am willing to surpass your false judgments and pathetic conduct.
I don't judge you.
So don't judge me.
Because we are all different.

One Day.

There are so many things I think about on a day to day basis. My re-occurring mantra: "One Day". It is funny because my friend Cassie and I were eating at a fancy shmancy restaurant before we saw "Rent" a couple weeks ago. The waitress treated us different because we weren't fancy schmancy elderly people. BUT we still had money. I told Cassie that we should have told her, "Do you know WHO I WILL BE?" That would set her straight. But seriously. One day.

I Want to Go to There.

One of the most magical moments for me is when the credits begin to roll after a film. The music, the names...it is just magical to me. It never seizes to amaze me how worked up I get after watching a movie. When I was little I would always marvel in how cool it was...a movie...how people got to dress up and perform in front of a camera...and have the entire country watch. As the years have passed I have gone from marveling at film to wanting to jump into the screen. Every movie that I watch I watch with a critical eye. Every actor, every maneuver is under my scrutiny. Besides teachers or class the biggest text book for the actor is watching other actors. I just got back from "Public Enemies" and watching Depp is like watching salt water toffee being made...it never gets old. He is truly a chameleon. Sometimes I feel foolish while I watch movies. Most people go to see movies to escape...to just relax. I watch them to study...so that I can one day be on that very screen. As the days pass by I come to the realization that I am a day closer to living in Los Angeles, California (Hollywood). To actively pursue my dreams...as well as study and further my craft. There are so many thing I will have to accomplish and just thinking about it is a tad overwhelming...but I know that this is all happening for a reason.

"American Idol" is coming to Denver...my mom wants me to audition. I continue to tell her I am not ready...one more year. And she continues to tell me that it is an "in" for me into the business. But my ever so brilliant friend Ruthie reminded me that most people who are Idol Alums are just that...IDOL ALUMS...rarely do they expand on their careers...rarely. I never want a brand name like that to be attached to my name. I want to be known as the actor who is daring and doesn't stick to one brand name or company. A chameleon. Which is why thankfully I have come to my senses and will NOT be auditioning for Idol this year...besides Ruthie brought the point up that I want to be an ACTOR...yes I sing and yes I want to try to dip my feet into as many fields as I can but for now acting is the focal point in this road trip ahead. I want to be on that screen not too long from now...not a discarded "Idol" alum.

Hollywoo...My New Home.

I have been severely tired lately. Passing out in the middle of the day...napping during really intense movies, bumming around at work...all unusual for me. But I guess a lot has been happening. But this explains why I have yet to post a blog.

Things have been exciting.

I flew out to California Tuesday night and stayed there until Thursday...with my Dad. I went to go see the campus, go to USC orientation, sign the lease papers for my new house, and just explore my new home I will be calling Los Angeles, California. As you may have read I was basically shitting my pants in anxiety. However, as soon as I landed in California my nerves evaporated and instead, I felt content. Los Angeles gets a bad rap from people who either don't like it or have just heard rumors...but I was pleasantly surprised at how much I liked it. Granted I have yet to explore in depth this city but from what I saw...which was a lot in such a short time...I liked it. First of all, the weather was glorious. Sunny and warm...but not TOO warm because of the ocean breeze. The city itself is so huge that it is hard to judge whether or not you like it from just one section of the city. Like any city Los Angeles has its "Do NOT go near there" spots and it also has its "YOU HAVE TO CHECK THIS OUT" spots as well. But anyway...before I start writing an article for the Los Angeles Tourism offices I will get back on track. But the bottom line is...I am going to find an array of fun and experiences in L.A. that is for sure.

I met two of my roomies and one of their friends the same evening that I landed at a cool restaurant "Lab" near the USC campus. While I attempted to be my usual self I found myself acting nervous and awkward...but apparently I was neither to them. While it is naturally awkward meeting people in person for the first time, I could tell that with time I will get along with them swimmingly well.

Another thing I was terrified of was the possibility of me not liking the campus or the school itself. And yes...I suppose I took a risk by not visiting the school in the first place. However I was going to go to USC regardless if I got in for the opportunities and the location. The minute I stepped on campus I let out a giant sigh...of relief. The campus is gorgeous and even at 7am in the morning. As the day progressed I continued to meet familiar faces on Facebook and new faces...and all of them were friendly and bubbling with excitement. As I explored the campus further I only fell in love with it more. My dad even got emotional...which never happens. It was a crowning achievement moment for myself. I had gotten myself there and no one else. The whole day was rather intense...a lot was thrown in our direction all at once...but it was all exhilarating. Also, I was the ONLY, I repeat the ONLY transfer theatre major at that orientation session. This was actually really nice because I got to interact with my new advisement counselors and a few existing theatre majors on a one on one basis. I registered for classes and for the first time in my academic career I got to CHOOSE my classes...what a concept?! I am taking everything from Cinema to Experiments (a class emphasized around rehearsal in which two musicals are produced throughout the classes). I am very excited.

After orientation my dad and I headed over to my new L.A. bungalow...which is adorable. Adorable is the exact word to describe it. We were met by an extremely friendly Hispanic family who toured us around the house. It is the perfect size for four people and is more than nice for a group of actors/college students...and the price sure beats the hell out of USC housing.

From then on my dad and I went out for a nice dinner and then drove around the area...from Rodeo Drive to the Santa Monica area and pier...it was a lot in such a short amount of time, but it was so nice. We concluded our adventures and final day in the center of Hollywood. I not only got to walk the steps of the Kodak Theatre but pay homage to Michael Jackson at his star and shrine. It was very cool. It was exhilarating to be there amongst the imprints of Hollywood legends because it was a physical reminder of where I was. Where I had come to. Hollywood. THE Hollywood, California. It was the beginning of this long adventure I am embarking on. It gave me chills to see the stars and feet of all of these artists I look up to...and to daydream about possibly making it to that one day sent chills up my spine.

I could obviously go on and on about my two and a half days in Los Angeles but you will all hear plenty about my adventures in L.A. when I move there. Even now as I sit on my bed in Fort Collins, Colorado it still feels unreal. Like someone needs to pour a bucket of Lobsters on my head to wake me up. But every so often I am reminded that it is indeed reality. And that feeling is enough to make me so ridiculously happy.

Drive.

I'm in my room. It is almost midnight. The fan is swiftly blowing and Tracy Champan's "Fast Car" is playing in the background. I love that song. I love music in general. For the past two days I have been belting out "Hair" and songs from "Next to Normal". I usually sing when I am inspired, excited, jumpy or bored. I'm seeing "Rent" with a great friend of mine tomorrow night, I am very excited! "Rent" was a major influence on me and my love for musical theatre. I remember renting the cast album from the library when I was 13. SO weird to think that was seven years ago...really? So much has changed since then...but then again, a lot hasn't. I am still me. Still the Braden who loves singing show tunes and re-enacting scenes from movies. I am and have always been an actor and performer. I look back at baby albums and can see the lust for performing even at the innocent age of 2. There is a sparkle in my eye...a little bit of jazz hands. My parents remind me that they used to watch "Star Search" with me when I was a baby and I was enthralled. They tell me I danced to Oprah's theme song whenever the show came on. I have always been eccentric and a bit crazy. Not crazy, just lively. Which is why this semester was very hard for me because I began to see the liveliness die a little bit. The passion was still there, but was extinguished by certain things. Now I am better...I am working towards something. TRAINING...I am TRAINING again...with my art! I am so unbelievably excited to start again (anxious) but SO excited. As the lovely Alice Ripley said at her Tony's acceptance speech (something along the lines of), "In College I trained and worked to get a BFA...a Bachelor's of Fine Arts. This is an art...it takes time and training".

I am excited to get back to making something. Collaborating. Making a performance. Challenging myself. Pushing the boundaries in acting and singing and in life. I wrote in my journal a couple weeks ago...I want to work towards becoming fearless. Of course it is IMPOSSIBLE to be completely fearless but to be fearless once or twice in a day or perform an act you would not normally do. Acting is the best when you are fearless, no hold ups. It is the same in life. Relationships and friendships last longer when you aren't judging everything or being insecure all of the time. It is good to be fearless. It is something I am working on. Ever so surely I become a little more confident in my abilities and potential...every day. Yes it helps to hear people say positive things about your talent and future, but that is not what you should rely on. Thank God I am driven. Actors (douchey sometimes) like Matthew Morrison say that his advice to future actors is to stop doing it because it is too hard...that is because he is scared of someone showing him up. Yes a lot of actors will crumble under the pressure. But thank God I love doing this so much. To stop doing it would be like to stop living and breathing. Yes, I'm sure a lot of young performers say the same exact thing...but sometimes they are not actually merited with talent. No one is exactly positive of their capabilities, but all I know is that there are a lot of people supporting my choice because of what they see in me. I have a lot to share with the world.

The Tony's.

It is 1:22 AM on what is now a Tuesday morning. I have been inspired once again. Firstly, I had a nice lengthy conversation with my friend Erica over the phone. Not only was it nice to hear her voice and to hear she is doing well but we discussed life and the mysteries of it...like usual. Then when I came home I could not stop watching YouTube videos of The Tony's. Everytime I watch an award show like The Tony's I become instantly inspired again. I could not imagine doing anything else but playing fascinating characters and singing on stage or behind the camera. I love it...so very much. I am so excited to get back to work in the fall and continue to fine tune my talents. The downfall of watching The Tony's is the fact that I want to be doing that NOW. But everything takes time...and to be honest I don't think I am completely prepared. I am just going to let things play out...I know how driven I am and I know of the exciting opportunities that will be present in Los Angeles and etc. Time. Patience. The best lesson to be learned.

I have also been thinking a lot about leaving my family again in the fall. It saddens me and consumes a lot of my thoughts. I love them so very much...and while I know I have to leave Colorado to do the things I want to do at the level I want to do them...it still saddens me to know I will not be within walking distance. Yes, I know I can't change these things...and yes I can't think about morbid things...they will happen wherever I am. Life is cruel this way. We live with our family for so long, we love them, we hate them but really we just love them...and then...you are catapulted away from them. On your own. I like being independent but I also love the comfort my parents give me. The constant support, the hugs, the conversations. I have grown closer with them throughout this past semester. I love them so very much. And my family and pets in general. But I am living on the fact that they are so proud of me and what I am doing...they know I am actively pursuing my dreams and while it slightly terrifies them...they know that I am very diligent and persistent. The only thing I can ask for is that they will be there when I make it.

I have provided a couple of my favorite performances from the Tony's this year. I have become really addicted to "Hair" again...I would love to play anyone in that show. I have the soundtrack on shuffle and have been listening to it non-stop. And I have a man crush on Gavin Creel. And as far as "Billy Elliot" goes...I am jealous of those little boys...who gets to star on Broadway at that age? And where did you get those dance skills?

It's Beginning to Hit Me.

It hit me. Again. Just this very minute. I am going to be living in Los Angeles. Yes...I am scared shitless. But the nerves are equally met with a feeling of relief and excitement. It is enough to know that I will be attending one of the best Universities and Theatre programs in the United States...but what really gets me going is the location. Los Angeles...Hollywood. THE BIG LEAGUES. Yes, I will land in LAX and probably start shaking in my boots. I will probably begin to doubt my abilities, my strength and my courage. But then I will remind myself that I am PHYSICALLY pursuing my dreams. For so long I have talked to people about moving out to L.A. to pursue my acting career. How I was going to continue my studies at USC while auditioning and starting my career...and I am sure many of those people just rolled their eyes and thought, "How cute...how naive of him". But then it happened. IT ACTUALLY HAPPENED! Twas a dark and rainy evening when I ran out to the mailbox and saw that beautiful package. It was physical proof of a big success of mine. I hope to have many more in the future.

Not going to lie, a majority of the time people look at me like I am crazy when I tell them I want to be in movies and on big stages. Not that they doubt me or my talents...they just don't think I am strong enough or have the will power. But lately these thoughts have shifted. The other day my mom said, "Wow...whatever Braden puts his mind to...he achieves". She calls up family and friends constantly and tells them the good news about the fall...how she wants to come out and visit me all the time with the family. It feels good to hear sentiments like this again. Truly. For a while there I began to panic...foolishly. I was in a rut. But now, I am happy to report...I am beginning to see the other side of this rut, this tunnel. And it looks promising. I have a lot of support...from family, friends, professors and co-workers. I feel a little shaky (the nerves of starting a new life basically) but I know that things happen for a reason. This happened for a reason. I am already meeting a lot of really kind people from USC and they are pumping me up! Yes there is the occasional distant individual but it IS Facebook. It seems to me that I am one of the only Theatre transfers this year that was accepted...I don't know whether to feel flattered or scared. I have to prove myself to these talented performers and faculty!

I feel a little rusty in theatre, singing and acting...but when it comes down to it, it is just like riding a bike...you always go back to it easily. SO yes...my mind is occupied with thoughts of the future. I have my occasional anxiety...but I think it is the combination of excitement for the fall and my present happiness with how the summer is going that makes me feel content. I love my family...my friends...and work. I don't want to jinx ANYTHING...but I feel that things are moving (ever so slowly) in a good direction. I have to remember why I became an actor and fall in love with this art every day...whether I am in a show or not. Whether I am auditioning or not. This is a huge part of my life. I can't wait to get back into action. When it comes down to it I have a feeling the nerves and anxiety will disappear and I will kick some booty...I have a lot of pent up emotions just waiting to explode!

Now that I made the deposit, am amidst a housing hunt and have signed up for orientation on July 1st...things seems real. Or are at least beginning to form into reality in my head. In other news Emily and I had a little Salsa making gathering at mi casa tonight! It involved many easy going activities...one which included blankets. :) Pictures are attached. Well...goodnight world...you are so fascinating. I hope tomorrow will bring another day of beauty.

3 AM

The rain is dripping on my ceiling...and then onto my window. It is extremely therapeutic. Because it is 3 AM I will keep this bloggie short...especially since I am having lunch with Chelsey tomorrow! I began the USC process today...well technically I began it on Saturday when I payed the deposit. Today I applied for housing with my dad and looked into Orientation information. I also recieved some preliminary financial aid. I am hoping it is PRELIMINARY because there was not much of it. Which sucks balls. I received some loans (and not that much either). Which means that unless they do not award me any additional scholarships or grants I will have to apply my little booty off for outside scholarships. I didn't even get work study...but I rarely do. It is baffling to me that more than half of the people who are attending in the fall did not even apply for financial aid. Who has that much money to shell out instantly?! Good for you...I am truly jealous.

Anyhoo...between all the preliminary steps for the fall I got excited again. I finally feel a little bit like it is actually happening. I also feel partly guilty for the cost...and a little nervous for the housing. In the view book they attach in the beautiful acceptance packet it says, "Housing is not guaranteed for transfers." This makes me super nervous. So I'm putting out my good vibes because I don't want to live on a bench this year. I looked into non-USC living in the area and it is hella expensive...so needless to say I NEED to get into one of the living spaces. Regardless, all of this stressing is still exciting. I will be extremely relieved when I find out I have a place to live. Besides that I just have to continue to work my little booty off, pick up as many hours as possible and save all of the money for school. This is an exciting opportunity I would be crazy not to follow through with! IT is f-ing University of Southern California...the alum list is ridiculous! The connections are even better. I also discovered that Jason Robert Brown...yes THE Jason Robert Brown is a faculty member...wtf. I am so stoked. Well I'm tiiirrrreeeddd. The rain is coming down even harder. My right eye has been blood shot for two days...perhaps it is because of lack of sleep. Well nighty. Peace.

I Did It!

I did it....I am going to USC!

I would have written a blog earlier...but as you could imagine I was far too excited! If you have been following my blog for a while...you understand how much this means to me!

Roughly a day and a half ago I got a beautiful red and gold packet from the University of Southern California welcoming me to the Trojan family. And my face looked something along the lines of this:

Granted this shot is posed by hey...nothing could re-enact the sheer euphoria that was pouring over my entire being. I had a slight feeling that I was accepted because I was able to login to the deposit site two days prior...which only admitted students are allowed to do...but I wanted to keep it hush hush in case I was rejected in the end and only ended up making a fool of myself! But in the end I felt like anything but a fool!

USC is a damn good school...the next best thing to Ivy League...I only say this because I am still shocked at the fact that I was able to get into such an established and rigorous University. What made me even more ecstatic was the fact that I was admitted to the Theatre Program (BA Track...which is what I wanted anyway). I have already gotten a taste of what a BFA program is like and found out that I need to be well rounded so that I am a well rounded performer and individual. With the BA track I will still be apart of the prestigious School of Theatre, be able to audition for a majority of the season's shows but also be able to study abroad and take theatre classes and non theatre classes. However, most importantly I will have more time to audition and find agents! NETWORK! NETWORK! NETWORK! BA or BFA it does not matter anyway. It is the experience and the connections made that DOES.

I know that the next two and a half (maybe three-ish) years studying in Los Angeles will be rigorous, scary, exciting and life changing. And you know what...that is exactly what I wanted. Even now...only two days after my acceptance I am beginning to get nervous...I am beginning to shake a little...but I know deep down that this would not have happened if it was not meant to be. As Oprah once said, "We can't become what we need to be by remaining what we are." I am feeling this. Hopefully it will be good. Out of everything though, getting into USC has shown me that I have the ability to stand out of 10,000 fellow applicants, which means I definitely have the ability to make it in the industry I want to be in so badly. Even though I always knew I could do it and know that I will be successful one day...sometimes it takes something like this to let the ones around you realize that you really CAN do anything you put your mind to.

I thought my parents would be "happy" for me...but never encourage me to attend the school itself. But boy have I been suprised. My mom always wanted me to go to an Ivy League school...and I told her it would be pointless to do such a thing in theatre...but this is the second best thing...they are completely supporting me with their hugs and love taps and kind words. I hugged my mom for a minute and a half today...just relieved and happy...I showed her that I'm back...and in action. I love my family so very much. My Auntie Gail was here last weekend for my brother's high school grad BBQ and I had told her I was applying to USC...she happened to come visit our house the day I got in...it was so cool to share that with more than my immediate family! While my financial aid package won't be here for a week or so...I am going to put down a deposit and hopefully I will be graced with a scholarship of some kind or at least student loans or work study (crossing my fingers for all of the above).

Either way...I am going to make it work! I can't wait to wear the USC sweatshirt..attend football games, audition for student films and just act...perform...in f-ing LOS ANGELES! I am studying while jump starting my acting career...what could be better?! I'm scared shitless but as all things seem to go...it will eventually come together!

I celebrated with a slumber party last night. Swung by work and got my paycheck...it was smaller than I thought it would be. :*( I hope they are going to get bigger and not smaller because I am not going to have ANY money for the fall! Then afterwards to raise my spirits Kaitlin and I sampled tea next door at the amazingly cool tea shop...bought some FRESH from the source tea leaves and got dinner. Then we went to the Lyric and journaled for a bit...then got into an odd funk because we were discussing insecurities and bad times in our lives and fear for our salaries and such...but we soon fixed it with some of that delicious jasmine tea and a list of happy things! So now I am in an odd mood...somewhere between content and anxious...but slowly easing into the content side. I told Kaitlin...we have to live in the NOW...we have to be able to enjoy the present moment...and not think so far in the future! Kaitlin told me American Idol season 9 is auditioning in Denver in July and it made me think and get anxious for some reason...while I want to audition so badly I am not ready yet...I want to be dynamite before I do that...I did not think it would be so soon before auditions came around...but I will just have to judge how I am feeling around then...I don't want anything to screw up my fall plans...and something like American Idol is so iffy anyway...you never know whats going to happen. I don't think I could handle the process right now and still don't feel confident that my singing abilities are the best that they could be...they aren't right now...I am getting better every day...maybe next season. What do you guys think...

So for now my babies I am going to try to refresh my mind of the recent success I have made and live life to the fullest...embracing my family and friends and working towards my fall in Los Angeles! I am going to visit the campus SOON...either way, although L.A. isn't the prettiest of cities I am going there for the opportunities not the geography...it is the hub of the film industry and close to the ocean and Disneyland...that is all I care about.

Rainy Memorial Day.

I open the shop tomorrow so this bloggy is going to be a short one. I just returned from a rousing evening with the Eulbergs. Not only did we have a delicious dinner but we also played an appetizing card game for several hours...it was quite fun. Man do those people get into their cards! I love it...I think I am going to indoctrinate my own family in the way of serious card playing. There could have been nothing better to do this evening since it was pretty pathetic outside...meaning drowsy and rainy. Come on summer...I know you are out there...show yourself!

I have been working A LOT...which is tiring sometimes but an excellent way to make money. And with the hours I am working I will definitely have a fairly good chunk of money for the fall (if I save most of it...which I am planning on). Thank God I make tips...I live day to day on my tips. Speaking of fall...this week (hopefully) I will find out my final admissions status from University of Southern California (i.e whether I am accepted or rejected. Hopefully it is the first one). Give me your good vibes this week bloggers or bloggy readers! I will definitely need it. Yesterday at Evan's graduation barbecue I was amongst many relatives and all of them asked me what my plans are for the fall. I told them of my California schools and they wished me the best of luck. I played it off coolly but inside I was shaking...I am still shaking in my boots...right now these schools are my way out Colorado...well let me re-phrase...the only way my parents would support my move to California.

When it comes down to it...I know for a fact that I belong at either USC or Chapman. I have had a sturdy academic background (with the exception of 2 D's in high school), an expansive amount of activities, dedication, passion and professionalism with both school itself and acting. I didn't go to school this semester so I could work...and I have been working a lot...I feel like I am a damn good candidate...but I probably shouldn't be saying such things in case I get a small white envelope this week instead of a nice juicy red "Welcome" package. A very, very, very small part of me doesn't even want to see the rejection letter. I don't want to see another physical reminder of how I wasn't good enough for somewhere or someone. I would like to build up my confidence...not completely shatter. Everyone asked me what my plans were if I were rejected from both schools...and honestly the only thing I can think of now is moving out to L.A. and working...taking acting classes and auditioning...and perhaps re-applying to USC and surrounding schools like UCLA. Preferably I would like to see a positive letter/package this week since I have been waiting for six months...not to mention everyone in my life basically knows how much I want to go to USC and or Chapman...just to be in L.A. and work...and not receiving admission would be a huge let down for myself but also for others...although perhaps a huge financial relief for my parents. Also a huge relief for you bloggy readers...I myself am fed up with my constant doting on admissions statuses and such...but you have to put your place in my shoes...this is such a nerve wrecking process! I don't remember being this nervous during my senior year of high school! It probably doesn't help that I continue to read and comment on the USC admissions message board every time I log onto my computer.

It is a hard thing not knowing where the hell you are going to be in the fall. I know where I want to be...and I want to be there so badly...I just hope that my life and destiny agrees with what I want so very badly. Well I would expand on this bloggy but going to get some shut eye so I am not a complete zombie tomorrow at work. Night!

Graduation.

As I sat in the Moby Gym today...amongst hundreds upon hundreds of families, friends and students...I was instantly transported to two years ago. The blue cap and gowns...the honor chords, sashes...everything. Singing "Seasons of Love" from Rent and "The River" by Garth Brooks. Squeezing a friend's hand so I wouldn't tear up during "Seasons of Love". Sitting next to 600 plus students who looked just as funny as me in their cap and gowns. Being partitioned off from the other 500 or something students because I was in I.B. Seeing the teachers and Mrs. Lundt in their rather Harry Potter esque robes and sashes. It was magical. And today...everything came full circle. Besides the fact that Rocky Mountain High School's graduation took almost triple the time it took for Poudre's...I still basked in the familiar surroundings. As soon as the band cued up for "Pomp and Circumstance" I wanted to be walking with them. Graduation and the times that followed before and after were some of the best times in my entire life. I felt vital. I felt intense and talented. I felt so focused and so intelligent. I felt proud of my success...of my family and of my friends. I felt loved. And as I sat in the audience this time around...I finally felt the time gap. Two years. My goodness it has been two whole years since I graduated high school...I have to get into the rhythm of things again..I can't wait any longer to pursue my dreams or what I want in life. Life is too short.

Sitting down in the Moby Gym confirmed my desire to receive a collegiate degree. Yes in theatre since that is my career and passion. But perhaps minor in something like English...or something accessible...that expands my wittle mind. In two (ish) years...if everything goes as planned...I will once again be marching proudly to "Pomp and Circumstance" with a degree in theatre in my hand. I'm so anxious to get back to school...I forgot how much I missed it. I had a rather pleasant high school experience and from what I experienced in my first year and a half in college I also enjoyed college. I guess my anxiety to get into the real world and just make movies and be on stage got in the way of what is truly important...training. Training, training and education. This is a gift to the actor. Actor Charles Nelson Reilly once said, "In my day we did something that is now unheard of in the acting world...we studied the craft". I don't want to be a stupid actor.

Anyhoo...before I get into a day long rant...my USC online status just changed yesterday (5/23) to "your application is being reviewed by the admissions committee...." which is the last status update before a decision is sent out via mail. So next week I will find out my fate...if I am meant to be a Trojan or no...I hope it's the first one. I am super nervous.

See that's my nervous face. That's also my...I'm lying on my bed and there is a giant ass spider crawling on my ceiling face.

I won't find out from Chapman for another three weeks....which I was never expecting. Either way right now is an interesting time for me. Between leading shifts as a shift manager at Ben and Jerry's and seeing family and friends and worrying about the fall and college...life is fine. Just fine. Speaking of family...I always love it when my family comes to town or vice versa. My Slovak side of the family are so adorable...the other side too but I was brought up amongst the Slovak side more...I love them so very much. Everything about them.

Tonight I was driving with a friend in the car when one of her tire's popped...thanks to a half broken beer bottle...probably from a graduation party...but regardless...after fiddling in the dark for an hour my Dad saved the day and fixed the tire situation in fifteen minutes. What a hoss. But yes. This is life right now. Graduation weekend, work, schools, life...friends and family...oh and summer. I forgot how much I love summer. Besides the rainy day today...I love the feel and warmth I get from a beautiful summer's day. I have a lot of different things planned for the next three months...I am sure I will add more every day. But for now...bed is sounding really good...goodnight world, see you in the morning.

Goodnight Moon.

I had a very long day. I worked from 10-5 then had dinner with my friend Tegan and then explored with Kaitlin. The exhaustion finally caught up with me. I was promoted as a shift manager or leader at Ben and Jerry's so I was training today. At dinner Tegan asked me amidst a very sunny, warm and beautiful Colorado day, "How are you?" And for the first time in long time I responded, "You know what...I'm just fine". JUST FINE. Never thought I would hear those words coming out of my mouth any time soon. Granted, it is too soon to judge what is going to happen come fall or if I will even get into my California schools...but one thing is sure...things are rolling. I'm making money and I am doing something with my time. I am being productive. It feels good. I just received my second pay check from Hollister (four months later)..a grand total of $26.90 (for roughly 20 hours of work)...what schmucks. I make much more than that in half a shift at Ben and Jerry's...AND have fun while working...imagine that! Hollister is pathetic. Which is why i quit when I did.

I have begun journal-ing again, which is probably why I haven't had anything to write about on this blog...but I like blogging...my friend Kaitlin reminded me that I hadn't blogged in a while...so I figured I would write an entry. Speaking of Kaitlin...we adventured to Boulder tonight. To my surprise and unlike the city of Fort Collins, there are still some businesses that are open at 10:30 pm on a Monday night. In fact, one of them was a very cool Bookshop connected to a very sweet smelling coffee shop. At this coffee shop we indulged in some sensual poetry and dream interpretations. Then walked about Pearl Street watching cracked out homeless men sing about their "calcium deficiencies"...we walked in the other direction. I determined that people don't really care about staring down other people...everyone is in their own little world in Boulder. I like that. Very much.

Kaitlin and I talked about everything as we sat amongst the starry and warm summer like night in Boulder, Colorado. We talked about the future, our plans and our wants. I'm trying not to panic about the fall. I'm trying to maintain my composure...but I am not quite sure I am doing a good enough job. I think everyone knows that I will shit my pants if I don't get into USC or Chapman. I don't necessarily expect to get into USC...but hopefully Chapman at the least. It is not like I am not an intellectual performer. Just cause I got 2 D's in high school does NOT mean I am not adequate enough to attend their "elite school". I'm an actor for God's sakes. I am willing to give your institution money...large amounts of it (with loans)...and I have so much to give...why would you not want me? Oh look at me now...sounding all desperate...well let's face it. I am. I don't envision myself roaming the campus of Colorado University anytime soon. I really don't. All things happen for a reason, and I just pray and pray and pray and pray that I belong in California...cause then I have to wait another semester until I find a school I truly like and am accepted into. So here's to hoping for the best. If you read my blog and know who I am...or don't know who I am...maybe you are one of those creepies who ready my blog but never post comments...what have you...please send out your good vibes in my direction...I would appreciate it.

In other news, I was thinking of going back to Roosevelt and CCPA...but like everything is supposed to happen for a reason...it is not going to work out, and I think this is a good thing. I truly do. While it does bother me to see pictures of my friends posted all over Facebook having fun without me and what have you...life goes on. They will be at that school for two more years and then they will be out in the real world. Not going to the same school as them anymore does not mean that I don't get the opportunity to be their friend still. That is far from the truth. I was worried of late that my absence effected the way my good friends saw me or thought of me. And I am sure it has slightly...but I have faith that we will stay in touch. I know we will. I was so happy to finally hear from one of my good friends that was too busy to talk for so long...I had no idea how many exciting things were happening to her...but it was just good to talk and catch up in a brief half hour before both of us had to return to our jobs or errands. I miss her and all of my friends from the conservatory so very much...but I am on a mission and on an adventure. People are rooting for me and want to see me succeed and be happy...both as an actor and an individual. I can't make my decisions because of my friends...I need to be strong...people and professors respect me for this journey I am embarking on.

Lastly...Colorado is warming up...we had a heat wave today...and it is supposed to get hotter tomorrow...personally I am kind of feeling some skinny dipping at some remote lake tomorrow. It is so freeing...skinny dipping...private lakes too I suppose. Well I'm going to go journal now and fall asleep to some sweet music I just downloaded. Goodnight moon. Goodnight world.

Help a Brotha Out...

Dear Jesus,

I know you are busy with all of the world's problems...persecutions, Iraq and such...but please take some time out for me. I know I always ask you for so much...a happy and thriving family and future...a healthy life...friends...yada yada...but I have a different request. I know you are a very fine guy and I was wondering if you could please let me get into University of Southern California or Chapman University (with scholarships or financial aid). Both would be magnificent to get into but I will take getting into either one. I know you can't make the decision for the admissions people...but perhaps bribe them with Jesus love or something of that sort. Please. I would really appreciate it! I was an altar boy for several years Jesus...if you remember. I've done my time.

I cannot wait to get back into the game. Start all over...build friendships and connections. I never thought I would be at this point in my life...but I am...and I hope something comes from my hard work and risky step towards a new beginning and environment. I pray and hope it will all come together. I really do. I am not looking down at CU...but I just need to get out...there are no opportunities that exist for me here in Colorado. I never thought myself as a California person but I know there is the possibility of a fast paced and exciting life out there. I know what I want in life and I know that I have to take chances in order to achieve it. An old path I thought I could use has been blocked off from me and I think it is a good thing. It would have only hindered me in my progression. I took a chance for a reason. Fortune favors the brave after all. Right?

Love You,
Braden

Come on Jesus...help a brotha out!

Revelation 2.

It seems to me that my logic shifts roughly every two weeks. One week I'm incredibly happy and the next I want to pack up my life and move to Australia. Such is the mind of a 20 year old. Everything seems so uneasy. Bipolar is not a condition...it is a part of life. It's funny though because my eyes were opened the other day. A complete revelation (kind of). By helping a friend in a semi-not really-but kind of close- situation as myself...I was able to not only give her advice, but also get the advice I needed from an unexpected source: myself.

I guess my biggest thing is finding confidence in myself. Realizing that I am a force to be reckoned with...but also a good guy...a good friend...good son, etc. I pride myself in being multi-dimensional and caring. Even with directors, friends, professors, etc telling me how "talented I am" or how much potential I have...or what not, I always seem to be overcome with a sense of doubt. Doubt in my abilities as an actor or even just in my abilities to be a good friend or family member. But then I realize that doubt can be a good thing. When it gets to the point that it clouds my inhibitions and artistic freedom...then it needs to end. But doubt is good because it is a reality check. It tests me. Forces to be stronger. Forces me to be more competitive and in the end a better performer and individual.

I am slowly but surely realizing that happiness is a journey not a destination. I know that what I truly want more than anything is to work successfully in film, television and stage. Shoot...I wouldn't even mind a chance at modeling just for fun. But these things are not going to happen overnight. I have to continue what I am doing. Life life day in and day out...try my damn hardest...put myself out there...train and continue to nourish my craft and then hopefully I will recieve something in return. Time. Time heals. Time makes and breaks things. In this circumstance I have a feeling time will be my best friend. I do need time. Time to develop as an actor. Time to develop physically...grow into the man I know I want to become. Right now I am in between. The mind of a man...the body of a boy.

I think today helped me tremendously with my current state of mind. Not only was it a spectacular summery spring day...but I was out...living. A couple friends and myself went up to the mountains and bathed in the sun as we hiked, ate Triskets and even layed out on giant boulders that were humbly placed in the river. I event tried crossing the river but ended at the bottom of it. Which... resulted in a half baked phone (no 4/20 pun intended). Speaking of 4/20...I think going to the mountains was the best remedy. I don't care if people smoke pot...however, I care when the city of Fort Collins shuts down an entire street because "Cheba Hut" is having a 4/20 party. Luckily, there were limited douches up amongst the trees and rivers. To me hiking is the best excercise. It doesn't even feel like you are doing a cardio work out...but really you are. For me working out always helps when I visualize a clear ending point...a destination. Such is life. Which is most likely why I have had and continue to occassionally have problems discussing my current state or the future. Because there isn't an exact line or direct path to where I want to be. I see the ending (through my eyes)...now getting to that high point will be one mind fuck of a ride. But the overall point is that whenever I experience such a beautiful day as the one I witnessed today I can't help but think of how lucky I am to be living. Granted I have a light sun burn, feel a little dehydrated and literally fell face forward into a raging river...but I feel refreshed somehow...and not fully content...but a step closer than I was yesterday.

No I haven't heard back from any of the universities yet. And I may not even for another month...but you know what I'm not going to let that get into my way. Whatever happens...acceptance or rejection...I am alive. I am 20. How exciting is that? I have the future in front of me...literally. Unless I am in a tragic accident (God willing that will hopefully not happen) I have a life in front of me. And I'm no baby any more. Even my mother acknowledged this the other night. I am growing up and I need to take the reins once again. If I don't get into USC or Chapman...I'm going to move to Los Angeles in the fall and start working at restaurant and start auditioning. Find an agent...and find the connections. All of the good stuff. At least I would be in the hub of the entertainment industry...and at least I would have a larger pond and therefore larger possibility of obtaining a day time job while I find acting work. I am ready to take chances. To make dreams happen. I'm done driving in the back seat. This is MY LIFE. Shoot...I'm even going to continue working out each day so that one day, hopefully, one day I can even be proud of strutting myself on the beaches of California.

P.S. I had the priviledge of watching "Teeth" the other night. Rent it. Watch it with your girlfriend, your boyfriend, your grandpa...your grandma...shoot even your parents. It is beauteous.