Bitter. Party of One.

Relationships. Relationships. Relationships. (Try saying that fast six times). Why are we...(humans)...obsessed with this intense desire to find a boyfriend or girlfriend. Hooking up, cruising, sex. Humans are animals. Beasts. Sex drives the size of Jupiter. But it must just be me recently or the people around me, but I have been so insanely nauseated by couples. No offense to my friends who are happily dating...but seriously, it is annoying. Yes I will be the first one to admit that I have checked into the Bitter Hotel, however, couples just give me so many damn reasons to hate romantic love. Even the friends of mine who vowed to never get cheesy or annoying...DID. Is it a part of the relationship contract to giggle like a school girl or make out like it is going out of business? Never separate or have your own opinions or schedule?Sometimes, when couples make out so much in public or fondle each other it leads me to think they have something to prove. The dude has to tell the world that he has the biggest dick in the room so he straddles his poor little girlfriend--almost marking his territory. Bestial. We are beasts. Yes we were all born with sex drives that kicked in when we hit that awkward little stage in life called "puberty". But does that mean we have to constantly find some random stranger or individual to pleasure us so we can get a quick orgasm? It lasts for a moment. ONE moment.

I don't know. Maybe it is just me but I am over that. Human sexuality is just a joke to me. We try to put everyone in little boxes and manufacture labels on everyone and tell everyone who they can and cannot sleep with or who we think they are sleeping with or are attracted to. Obviously from history and the media and real life itself, we can tell that human sexuality is uninhibited and cannot be put under a label or category. I am fascinated with it. Attraction in general. When we are in love our brains fall out of our ass and our hearts steer us to what we believe to be the right direction. The biggest problem is that we often misplace our heart for our genitals or vice versa. This is nothing that hasn't been said before, it is just mulling over in my mind...over and over again. I am 21. I have had four...almost five relationships and even then I STILL don't know what it means to love someone or be in love. In fact, all of those relationships were in high school. It has been what...three years since I have had a semi serious relationship that lasted past a night. So needless to say I AM a little bitter...not all the time...but sometimes certain people or events trigger this rant. Everyone always tells me..."you say you won't act like a fool when you find that special someone, but trust us when you do you won't know what hit you" or "you are going to find the person of your dreams and when you do...you will forever be changed, they will surprise you and you will surprise yourself". Well, I would like to please ask the universe...well when the hell am I going to feel that? I am certainly not one of those people that need to be in serious relationships constantly. In fact I have little respect for people who can't live independently and learn about themselves in the process of living their own journey. People who depend on other people for their happiness are boring and weak. Harsh...but true. There are those that search for love and get hurt and their are those that love comes to. I am still waiting for the second option.

It is so funny because when I thought I was finally ready to want and have a companion...opportunities were presented and I realized how NOT ready I was. The point is I am just like any other human with a blood pumping heart--I want to share and be intimate with someone else. I want to share everything--my thoughts, my beliefs, my body and not feel judged or short changed. Hook ups can be great here and there...but they aren't my thing. I don't even know why I am writing about this...I sound like a stupid whiny 14 year old girl. The point is...when it comes down to it...so much of our culture and our lives as we know it--is based on the fact that there is apparently somebody for all of us. Everyone feels like they are entitled to love (which I believe is a true conviction)...however, people's expectations are sometimes a little grander then reality. Live your life, follow your dreams and if someone happens to come a long and change your life in that way, run with it.

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