First of all, Happy Mardi Gras! Another great excuse to gorge out on fatty foods! Although, I have not been too bad today...I went for another hour and a half run/power-walk in fact. The weather was beautiful today in Northern Colorado. For the first time in ages, I actually felt the sun warm my skin. I like to use my runs to ponder, pray and think about things. However, I think my problem is that I have been thinking too much lately. It is a problem. It takes one reminder or one thing to trigger me and then I dwell...I dwell badly. And it is the ridiculous things that I dwell on. The things that I can't control. I guess you could call me a control freak in the way that I like to have a fairly firm grasp on my life and like to know where I am heading. And I confess, I am lost. I clearly know where I want to end up...I just don't know how to get there. People continue to tell me...stop thinking too much, just let life happen. And I will be the first to say that I am trying so very hard to do such a thing. Perhaps it would help me if I had a better lucky streak. I am constantly reminded how big of a role luck has in this industry. A friend of mine...I refer to as "the guru" sent me a link to an article on 7 actors who got into the business out of sheer coincidence or luck. Actors from Mel Gibson, Johnny Depp to Rosario Dawson and more were completely ushered into the industry by happenstance. It really is a good article.
But anyway, I guess I have come to the conclusion that I will have to do something about this soon. I thought my life would become aligned when I got the job at Hollister...but then I realized I would be working a shift or two a week...not nearly enough income for what I need to do What do I want to do? I know what I want to do but I don't know what I need to do. I have danced around many of the points on the map of my life...but I have a feeling this detour I have decided to take may have not been the most beneficial thing to do. But I can't dwell in the past. Enough of this dwelling...and more doing. Let us jump into action. But how does one get to work when there is no work in the region...move, but alas, how does one move if one's parents are against it? It is a tricky situation, and I feel like I will never win over myself and my parents. Someone will leave unhappy...and I hope it is not me. During my run, Eminem's "Lose Yourself" came on. I was inspired by a lyric, "Success is my only mother-fucking option". That is exactly how I feel right now. I know that it seems like I am bitching day in and day out about something I could change in an instant. And yes, I am some what bitching, but I'm more like venting about the circumstances I find myself in. I would love to get up from this computer after I write this blog and leave for California. But I do have my responsibilities. For example, right now I am baby sitting my little brother (don't worry he is fine...he is working on homework...). I guess what is holding me back is the fact that I am comfortable living with my family and I am comfortable living in the town I grew up in. My friends are familiar, my family is familiar and so is Colorado. But just in writing that, there is a sickly feeling that radiates throughout my body. Pain.
It is painful to think that people see me as relinquishing my dreams...I am in no way doing such a thing. I am just figuring things out. Yesterday during my run I was praying out loud and asking for a sign from the heavens when at that precise moment I received a text from my good friend Karissa and it said, "You should move to L.A. Just do it!". Could that not be anymore of a sign? It just is not logical right now...soon. Hopefully by the summer I will know if I got into USC...which would make both my family happy and myself happy as well. Or will it? I don't know I never thought I would say this...ever...but perhaps college is not for me. YES, it would totally be for me, if I was going into law or journalism, which is what I think my parents are still hoping I end up doing. AHHHHHHHHH! And thus, you understand the backlash of thinking too much. Dwelling is sick and unhealthy. And that is what I am continuing to do. I will fix this problem in due time...I just am in a rut. And it is okay to be in a rut. Nothing is permament...this bitch of a rut will hopefully cease some day soon. I pray that it will. I pray for a lot of things. That I will make the right choice. My parents said last night, "We thought you were smarter Braden. Not going to college is stupid". It is a fight that will never end with them...but some things are worth sacrificing and fighting over. And I hope that in the near future SOMETHING will come of these submissions.
But alas, it is Mardi Gras. I have half a container of ice cream calling my name, homemade strudel my mom baked, and a couple movies waiting to be watched. I think I just need something to take my mind off of my mind. I'm just under a dark cloud right now. Hopefully a rainbow will present itself after this storm. Hopefully.
But anyway, I guess I have come to the conclusion that I will have to do something about this soon. I thought my life would become aligned when I got the job at Hollister...but then I realized I would be working a shift or two a week...not nearly enough income for what I need to do What do I want to do? I know what I want to do but I don't know what I need to do. I have danced around many of the points on the map of my life...but I have a feeling this detour I have decided to take may have not been the most beneficial thing to do. But I can't dwell in the past. Enough of this dwelling...and more doing. Let us jump into action. But how does one get to work when there is no work in the region...move, but alas, how does one move if one's parents are against it? It is a tricky situation, and I feel like I will never win over myself and my parents. Someone will leave unhappy...and I hope it is not me. During my run, Eminem's "Lose Yourself" came on. I was inspired by a lyric, "Success is my only mother-fucking option". That is exactly how I feel right now. I know that it seems like I am bitching day in and day out about something I could change in an instant. And yes, I am some what bitching, but I'm more like venting about the circumstances I find myself in. I would love to get up from this computer after I write this blog and leave for California. But I do have my responsibilities. For example, right now I am baby sitting my little brother (don't worry he is fine...he is working on homework...). I guess what is holding me back is the fact that I am comfortable living with my family and I am comfortable living in the town I grew up in. My friends are familiar, my family is familiar and so is Colorado. But just in writing that, there is a sickly feeling that radiates throughout my body. Pain.
It is painful to think that people see me as relinquishing my dreams...I am in no way doing such a thing. I am just figuring things out. Yesterday during my run I was praying out loud and asking for a sign from the heavens when at that precise moment I received a text from my good friend Karissa and it said, "You should move to L.A. Just do it!". Could that not be anymore of a sign? It just is not logical right now...soon. Hopefully by the summer I will know if I got into USC...which would make both my family happy and myself happy as well. Or will it? I don't know I never thought I would say this...ever...but perhaps college is not for me. YES, it would totally be for me, if I was going into law or journalism, which is what I think my parents are still hoping I end up doing. AHHHHHHHHH! And thus, you understand the backlash of thinking too much. Dwelling is sick and unhealthy. And that is what I am continuing to do. I will fix this problem in due time...I just am in a rut. And it is okay to be in a rut. Nothing is permament...this bitch of a rut will hopefully cease some day soon. I pray that it will. I pray for a lot of things. That I will make the right choice. My parents said last night, "We thought you were smarter Braden. Not going to college is stupid". It is a fight that will never end with them...but some things are worth sacrificing and fighting over. And I hope that in the near future SOMETHING will come of these submissions.
But alas, it is Mardi Gras. I have half a container of ice cream calling my name, homemade strudel my mom baked, and a couple movies waiting to be watched. I think I just need something to take my mind off of my mind. I'm just under a dark cloud right now. Hopefully a rainbow will present itself after this storm. Hopefully.
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