I needed reality to come crashing down on me. It was kind of like a piano being catapulted on my forehead. It truly hurt, but woke me up. The truth is I have been day dreaming. I have been dreaming. That is just me though, I am a dreamer. I dream. I have hopes and dreams. The other half of me is very practical however. I have always been the child who stayed within the boundaries. Never dove into the shallow end at the pool because I knew it would hurt...actually I did once, but that was not purposeful. Sometimes in life you need someone who you truly care about to confront you and tell you how it is. It is kind of mind blowing in fact.
This evening at approximately 11:45 I had a mini meltdown. Sadly, I don't think it is the last of the mini meltdowns. In fact, I have a feeling a much bigger one is in the works. For the first time I actually felt the heartache of leaving school. Not being in the same state as some of my greatest friends and fellow classmates. It is no lie...Chicago is still etched on my heart like a tattoo. But as a great and honest friend pointed out to me..."Chicago will always be there. LA will always be there, and the film industry will always be there". These were words that I needed to hear. "Always be there". It is so true. I am such a fast paced thinker...I don't think half the time. I go by my emotions, my goals and my dreams. And my dream and desire right now is to be an actor in film and television. Yes I know that there are steps in between. I am just so impatient. Guilty. But perhaps this time period I call "limbo" is meant for me to learn how to be patient. Among many other things.
I won't lie...I have been learning. I've learned how driven I am. When I want something I will give a good fight. I also realized how sensitive I am. It seems to me that I take things much too personally and care too much about what others think. It is the truth. So many people's thoughts of me have either hindered my progression in a certain area or attempt at something. And you know what...that will slowly begin to disappear as I encounter my future. As I spoke with my friend she continued to be blatantly honest with me...a quality I share and admire with people. I think the part that gets me is the fact that I am not training. I'm not in an acting class like I was last semester...but that is why I am trying to get a teaching position as an acting teacher for kids and teens at the city center. I am hoping that it will help me polish my skills and endow them upon others.
I've also learned that I like runs/speed walks/biking through this trail in the back parts of my neighborhood. Not only is it a gorgeous walk but it gives me time to soul search. Perhaps I have been doing too much soul searching...or not enough. I can never know with me. I think I have something set and then it completely changes. Such is life. Maybe I am being a little bitch and wining...but I have my reasons. But there are those that complain and there are those that problem solve and find a way out of "limbo". I can feel my jaw muscles clenching as I begin to think about job hunting and living a life in Northern Colorado. It is such a bubble. Everyone is born, grows up and lives in Fort Collins it seems. No one leaves. I want to break that pattern...some day. I told myself I was ready. But I guess I am not currently. Or maybe I shouldn't be ready to go. Not everyone can be Kristen Wiig and just go to LA. Or maybe I should. Maybe this impulse or idea has been planted in me for a reason. Certain things are not easy. This is one of them. If acting was easy, everyone would be an actor...even though that appears to be the case anyway.
"Taking the semester off" was uproarious to begin with. In my family that just does not happen with me. I am the good child. The smart one. The International Baccalaureate, vice-president of Drama club and such...the "good" child. The one who stays in the lines and does not color out of them. Well I'm starting to learn how to color out of them. One thing is for sure...I am not going to make any life changing decisions any time soon, as I have no job or income. However, as soon as that door opens I plan to investigate it further. I just simply hate being in this "limbo". I feel like I am in between heaven and hell everyday. Waiting in line to go up to heaven. The only thing I can really count on right now is the fact that my fortune cookie yesterday said, "Prosperity is right around the corner". God willing...it is around the corner. Lurking for me. Waiting for me to hold it's hands and enter into a new life.
This evening did not turn out how I planned. In fact, I doubt if I will be able to sleep. That is what happens when you let reality hit you. WHAM! It leaves a mark. I know I made the right decision when I decided to leave Roosevelt. It wasn't the right conservatory for me...and I don't believe it is the right place for most people. However, I've already learned that and I need to go forward. I hate myself when I complain to my good friends...I hate it. Although it is not brought on by nothing. I am going through a hard time. But so are a lot of people...and a lot harder things. Like death. I am a fighter. A smart fighter at that. I will find a solution. I may not find it immediately...but good things come with time. I am not expecting this bright future in the business to come floating to me. I know it will be hard and interesting. But at least it will be an adventure. And I have always liked adventures.
This evening at approximately 11:45 I had a mini meltdown. Sadly, I don't think it is the last of the mini meltdowns. In fact, I have a feeling a much bigger one is in the works. For the first time I actually felt the heartache of leaving school. Not being in the same state as some of my greatest friends and fellow classmates. It is no lie...Chicago is still etched on my heart like a tattoo. But as a great and honest friend pointed out to me..."Chicago will always be there. LA will always be there, and the film industry will always be there". These were words that I needed to hear. "Always be there". It is so true. I am such a fast paced thinker...I don't think half the time. I go by my emotions, my goals and my dreams. And my dream and desire right now is to be an actor in film and television. Yes I know that there are steps in between. I am just so impatient. Guilty. But perhaps this time period I call "limbo" is meant for me to learn how to be patient. Among many other things.
I won't lie...I have been learning. I've learned how driven I am. When I want something I will give a good fight. I also realized how sensitive I am. It seems to me that I take things much too personally and care too much about what others think. It is the truth. So many people's thoughts of me have either hindered my progression in a certain area or attempt at something. And you know what...that will slowly begin to disappear as I encounter my future. As I spoke with my friend she continued to be blatantly honest with me...a quality I share and admire with people. I think the part that gets me is the fact that I am not training. I'm not in an acting class like I was last semester...but that is why I am trying to get a teaching position as an acting teacher for kids and teens at the city center. I am hoping that it will help me polish my skills and endow them upon others.
I've also learned that I like runs/speed walks/biking through this trail in the back parts of my neighborhood. Not only is it a gorgeous walk but it gives me time to soul search. Perhaps I have been doing too much soul searching...or not enough. I can never know with me. I think I have something set and then it completely changes. Such is life. Maybe I am being a little bitch and wining...but I have my reasons. But there are those that complain and there are those that problem solve and find a way out of "limbo". I can feel my jaw muscles clenching as I begin to think about job hunting and living a life in Northern Colorado. It is such a bubble. Everyone is born, grows up and lives in Fort Collins it seems. No one leaves. I want to break that pattern...some day. I told myself I was ready. But I guess I am not currently. Or maybe I shouldn't be ready to go. Not everyone can be Kristen Wiig and just go to LA. Or maybe I should. Maybe this impulse or idea has been planted in me for a reason. Certain things are not easy. This is one of them. If acting was easy, everyone would be an actor...even though that appears to be the case anyway.
"Taking the semester off" was uproarious to begin with. In my family that just does not happen with me. I am the good child. The smart one. The International Baccalaureate, vice-president of Drama club and such...the "good" child. The one who stays in the lines and does not color out of them. Well I'm starting to learn how to color out of them. One thing is for sure...I am not going to make any life changing decisions any time soon, as I have no job or income. However, as soon as that door opens I plan to investigate it further. I just simply hate being in this "limbo". I feel like I am in between heaven and hell everyday. Waiting in line to go up to heaven. The only thing I can really count on right now is the fact that my fortune cookie yesterday said, "Prosperity is right around the corner". God willing...it is around the corner. Lurking for me. Waiting for me to hold it's hands and enter into a new life.
This evening did not turn out how I planned. In fact, I doubt if I will be able to sleep. That is what happens when you let reality hit you. WHAM! It leaves a mark. I know I made the right decision when I decided to leave Roosevelt. It wasn't the right conservatory for me...and I don't believe it is the right place for most people. However, I've already learned that and I need to go forward. I hate myself when I complain to my good friends...I hate it. Although it is not brought on by nothing. I am going through a hard time. But so are a lot of people...and a lot harder things. Like death. I am a fighter. A smart fighter at that. I will find a solution. I may not find it immediately...but good things come with time. I am not expecting this bright future in the business to come floating to me. I know it will be hard and interesting. But at least it will be an adventure. And I have always liked adventures.
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