Topsy-Turvy.

My mind is a jumble of discarded memories. Fragments of the past and estimated guesses at the future. What I know is what I feel. And I feel jittery. That pre-first kiss jitter. Your hands are shaking, your mind is running wild and you can't help but throw up a little in your mouth. You know you will probably enjoy it...but there is that slight chance that they might miss your mouth or you might bump into their chin...you might screw up. But you got there for a reason. You are sitting with that person because of a certain chain of events that have lead up to that very point.

Often I wonder how the hell I got to this point. Where I am right now. Two years ago I was in a similar situation. A bright and fresh high school graduate excited but nervous as hell to journey to Chicago to become an actor...to train in a Theatre Conservatory. Yet I pulled through. I made bunches of friends, learned so many valuable lessons and became a better actor and person because of it. Then cut to Christmas evening mid-sophomore year, where a huge decision was made. It was then that I told my parents that perhaps going back to Roosevelt wasn't the best idea. I try to pin-point the origins of my negative feelings towards CCPA and I can't really decide when it began. I was never UNHAPPY there. I had AMAZING friends and was testing my abilities as an actor, performer and individual. Some of my favorite memories came from my year and a half in Chicago. I saw Oprah, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. I saw all of the Olympians AND Oprah for a second time. I laughed, I cried and I grew up. So why is it that I STILL feel guilty about leaving everyone and my past behind.

I am reading "The Power of Now" and Eckhart Tolle continues to state that looking in the past will not help you find happiness. It will only hurt you. I think we learn from our past but like Mr. Tolle says, I also think that it is important to live in the present...for the present is what matters. Tomorrow is not guaranteed...and no point in wallowing in past mistakes or errors. But as I continue to live day to day I can't help but notice things seem to be muted. Sounds are not the same. Colors are not as vibrant and emotions are hard to tap into. When I think of this past Christmas when I made one of the most important decisions of my life, I think of how fast everything went. Within a week I went from living an independent life in Chicago to living with my family again. Not that I haven't enjoyed their company because that is anything but the truth. I have loved living back at home with the family (even though we have had our moments). One problem however, is that I have become semi-shy again. This makes me nervous because I have not been shy since I can remember.

When I initially came home from school I was bubbling with excitement for the future. Several of my Chicago friends envied me because I was leaving to "go onto bigger and better things" with my life. To take some "time off" from school and to see the REAL WORLD...not this bubble we called the acting conservatory. Living at home was fine for the first couple of months. Besides the needle in the hay sack search for a job I was enjoying rekindling old friendships and being in the comfort of my own home once again. But something was missing...I wasn't engaging in the love of my life...the drug that makes me shiver with complete euphoria...ACTING...PERFORMING...SINGING. I had a daily routine...wake up go to work, see friends, see family, stay up late then repeat. Then work some more. Work, work, work. Scooping ice cream at Ben and Jerry's is hardly artistic. In fact it isn't at all. I was not getting my high that I have lived off of for years...since I was a child. I crave it again. But NOW I feel as if I am rusty.

By a series of interesting and random events I applied to the University of Southern California and its internationally acclaimed theatre program. While I tried my hardest to get in and spent days on the application I did not want to set my hopes high. People...close friends and family included, told me to start thinking of back up plans because I "probably wouldn't get in to USC, and definitely would have issues with admissions into the theatre program". Low and behold...months later...I was accepted. I always had a slight ray of hope in me...it is what gets you through as an actor and as a person period. As Harvey Milk said, "You've got to give them HOPE". And now in mere weeks I am on my way to Los Angeles (epicenter of entertainment) to pursue my acting career as well as train at the USC's acclaimed Theatre Program. It seems now that people don't question me anymore. As my mother says to her friends, "If Braden wants something he will get it. It's that simple". I'm proud of that part of my personality. I am driven.

But the rusty part...because of this lapse in time from any form of acting or theatre or cinema I feel as though I am going to be a giant let down to the faculty and my peers, etc. I continue to invision auditions...stepping out onto the stage and just performing an EPIC FAIL. BOMBING. But I can't think like that. I also envision moving out there and being eaten by the parasites known as the millions of unknown actors, musicians and artists living in Los Angeles. But then I just have to tell myself. I got into the school for a reason. It is a sign. Not only is it a damn competitive University to get into but I ACTUALLY GOT ACCEPTED...not waitlisted or denied but ACCEPTED. I am worthy. That is all that matters. But being the sometimes melodramatic artist I am I always question the talent that people see in me. But you have to...it is what keeps you going, what makes your ego small and what forces you to keep on trying and change things up.

I have already met a bus load of USC students on Facebook (theatre and non theatre) and they have taken well to me thus far. I am living in a nice house with three fellow actors and I have (what people tell me to be...) a likeable personality. What have I got to lose. I have only dreamed and prayed for the day to come when I am jet setting to Los Angeles to pursue my acting career. I am actually pursuing it. Physically moving all of my things and myself to the other side of the country to make my dreams come true. People can't make fun of me for that. So many people are talkers...and I have been for the past semester, but now I am actually DOING IT...and that is exciting. And now as my very long and rambling blog entry comes to a close I am in a subdued yet pleasant mind set. People are cheering me on here and in Chicago. They know this is for the best and many exciting opportunities will come from this path I have decided to take. Beneath all of the absurd anxiety is excitement and absolute euphoria for the future. My only hope is that it all falls into place and I begin to see the vibrant colors I have missed for so long.

I know it will be hard but I also know that it will be fun. I will hopefully meet all of these people I have been talking to on Facebook and just fit right in. I have done this before. I am a TRANSFER...at least this isn't the first time for me. It is still fucking horrifying but I have a hand up on this game. Right now I am living on my drive and my family and friends. My old and very talented roommate and friend said to me, "Braden you will make it because you are hella talented". This is not the first time I have heard this...and that is enough to keep me going. I have nothing to prove... I just have a lot to show.

Help a Brotha Out...

Dear Jesus,

I know you are busy with all of the world's problems...persecutions, Iraq and such...but please take some time out for me. I know I always ask you for so much...a happy and thriving family and future...a healthy life...friends...yada yada...but I have a different request. I know you are a very fine guy and I was wondering if you could please let me get into University of Southern California or Chapman University (with scholarships or financial aid). Both would be magnificent to get into but I will take getting into either one. I know you can't make the decision for the admissions people...but perhaps bribe them with Jesus love or something of that sort. Please. I would really appreciate it! I was an altar boy for several years Jesus...if you remember. I've done my time.

I cannot wait to get back into the game. Start all over...build friendships and connections. I never thought I would be at this point in my life...but I am...and I hope something comes from my hard work and risky step towards a new beginning and environment. I pray and hope it will all come together. I really do. I am not looking down at CU...but I just need to get out...there are no opportunities that exist for me here in Colorado. I never thought myself as a California person but I know there is the possibility of a fast paced and exciting life out there. I know what I want in life and I know that I have to take chances in order to achieve it. An old path I thought I could use has been blocked off from me and I think it is a good thing. It would have only hindered me in my progression. I took a chance for a reason. Fortune favors the brave after all. Right?

Love You,
Braden

Come on Jesus...help a brotha out!

Butterflies.

My head is pounding. That is the first thing I notice as I begin to write my blog. My stomach aches...but in the "I'm scared to go on that roller coaster" way. I have recently returned from a lovely day in Denver with the Momma and family...it is mother's day. I love my Momma. We went to the Denver Art Museum...which we all thoroughly enjoyed...and then had a great mother's day dinner at, "Gumbos"...a delightfully delicious Cajun restaurant in the heart of Denver. What a great meal it was...I am still stuffed. But yet I feel the butterflies. That infamous retching feeling you get in your stomach when you are about to go on a stage. It is happening again.

Behind all of this is an immense wad of confusion. Perhaps I will be less nervous when I actually know what is going to happen come fall. But as a friend said, "revel in the unknown". I can partially enjoy this statement. The unknown, while frightening, always contains an element of excitement. But as I said to myself the other day...amidst a solo dance party..."I am the master of my destiny!" It's true you know. That is the beauty of life. You have the ability to change the future...you have the ability to weasel out of a sticky situation. This being said, no matter how much you change your course, your destiny is hovering over you. And hopefully, just hopefully you will be lead down the right path to your destiny...even if you have to go back to your original destination or change your course and head in the opposite direction.

Currently I am amidst a giant map of my life. I see all of the places I have lived...Vermont, Louisiana, Idaho, Colorado, Chicago...and I see all of the places I want to be...and somewhere amongst this map is a thin line called "my future". I can't really see where it is heading. That is the point about the future. You can only know so much about what is to come. That is why it is called life. That is why we go through painful things...things we don't expect...because it is all apart of life. As I write I can think of three options for the fall...even though I have yet to receive notification from my California schools.

That aside, I see a comfort zone...a location that is not too far away from my house, my family and my roots. It would be easier...but opportunities would be sparse for several years. Then I see another location...one that only exists in my dreams. One that could potentially have really great connections and opportunities...but is over populated and risky. Then the third possible location is one I thought I would never re-trace over. I know I left it for some reason...but it is calling me ever so quietly. Whispering in my ear. Regardless of what path I decide to take...it will be complicated. It will be hard and it will be a challenge I have to surpass. But I chose this the minute I decided to left. The minute I said to myself...I need time off. I need a break. I did that to myself. I knew I would be making things complicated. And yes...I could just walk off to Los Angeles and by some slight possibility land something big...but I don't want to take my chances just yet without a degree. I told myself and my family a long time ago that I would get a degree. I owe it to myself.

Maybe it all comes down to the fact that I need to realize you can't always be happy. There is always going to be a downfall. But you need to find happiness wherever you may be. "Happiness is a journey not a destination". And "The great opportunity is where you are. Every place is under the stars. Every place is the center of the universe." Right? I just need to look at this with the glass have full. I realize it is kind of hard to see through this when most of my friends are now juniors in college and I am still a second semester sophomore. Blurg. But you can't change the past. You just can't. Maybe I'm afraid to leave my family again...in case something happens. There are so many things I am afraid of. But I can only pray and hope that God will keep a watchful eye on me, the people and the organisms in my life.

Another thing to be learned...the grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side. I thought a semester off would be glorious. I learned from that. It has been great...and not so great...it has been an experience. Life is an experience. Whether it is good or bad...it is an experience. I just need to be sure that I don't go back to a situation I tried to previously escape without fully evaluating the side effects of such a decision.

All that I can do is wake up each day...thank the Lord I am alive and do something with the gifts and body that I have been given. Make a change. Even if it just in one person. A smile. A friendly gesture...extra sprinkles on an ice cream cone at work...anything. I am an instrument. I'm not going to go to waste...I'm going to thrive. Not just survive...thrive.

Wow...that was long.

Happy Mama's Day...I'm going to go give my Momma a hug right now. Peace.