GLEE.

I'm sitting in class. I would much rather be on a sound stage filming. I daydream so much that reality just seems like such a blur. I am not quite aware of how to get to where I want to be but I know I want to be there. SO badly. Painfully so. It consumes my desires, my passions, my drive and my will. I want this. I do. I want this more then anything--please God, please universe--lend me this opportunity. Please get me in that door and I can work my magic, breathe in what you have leant me and just do it. There is so much to do, so much to show--in a vast sea of hopes and lost dreamers I submerge as a soul who vows to create change and give life to a future. I would be the happiest, the most content creature--pining for a chance. Luck. I need it. I'll make my own. I've got to--it's in me.

From the get go I felt a strange and magnetic pull to this--like I would serendipitously get this chance one day. Did I blow it? Hopefully not. What is done is done. There could have been a million and one ways I could have shown my personality and talent...but only one shot...Chance. I want another chance to show em' what I got. Who I am. I have SO much to give. I am brutally reminded as I sit in class that this is not a life I want to live--I want to bust down these stale brick walls and fly above the expectations everyone seems to have set for me. Constant battering, "You know it's a publicity stunt" or "there are far too many people for this to be real" or "you really think you have a chance?". I know. I am aware. But maybe just maybe I have optimistic hopes of being that one diamond in the ruff they'll find--discover and cultivate. The facts are there are a lot of people who can sing and dance and act--but I honestly feel I could fit the definitions of this show perfectly. And I have been overwhelmed by the support from friends, family and sometimes strangers who come across my video audition.

For those that doubt...you say publicity stunt...I say opportunity. And that is when I realize I'm a dreamer again--just trying to rope in a star--t0 keep it, to hold it and to chase it. SO many people want to do this--but why in the world can't I? I'm different and I suppose that is the most beautiful thing about "Glee"--celebrating and living in the awkward and endearing differences that lie within each of us. I firmly believe in putting your thoughts, desires and dreams out into the open...to be sucked up by God and the universe--so here I am doing that (just as I have been). I KNOW I can do this. I KNOW I gots this. Help me out. Lend a hand. Let chance be my companion and change my future for the better. :)

5 days--there will be five days of videos--some bad, some good--some endearing and some annoying. They will be as diverse as mankind itself. All with one goal--to get the part. Another shot. Another chance. Cue "God I hope I get it" from "A Chorus Line"...I will undoubtedly think of the auditions everyday but should remind myself to stop thinking about competition or anything--it doesn't matter at this point--I just want to be seen and have another shot. Truly. It's out of my hands--I just need to breathe in optimism and stay hopeful. I may be walking on a dream...but it is firmly rooted in ambition and drive. Braden Davis for "GLEE"!

Time is Flying.

Wow. Time goes by when you are having fun doesn't it? Or when you aren't having fun too...time just flies. Period. Minutes pass into hours and so on and life goes on. God knows the last time I wrote a blog entry. So much has happened since then and now I find myself further along on this crazy journey.

In a place like California, the weather is always relatively warm but lately it has been PERFECT. I am enjoying spring but can feel summer dancing in the skies. I have been incredibly busy. Within the semester and a half that I have been at USC I have managed to be in three consecutive shows--each an experience in its self...it appears to me it just seems to get better with each show, as do my performances I think. I learn the most as an actor from being in a show. The last show I was in "Grapes of Wrath" was a beautiful ensemble piece directed by an amazing director, Stephanie Shroyer and it had an amazing cast. It was one of those experiences in the theatre that was religious. Not to mention I bonded with my cast-mates and even got the chance to perform in front of THE powerhouse acting couple: Felicity Huffman and William H. Macy--and they gave a standing ovation (it was out of a dream). To have actors of that caliber stand for a performance is amazing.

Another exciting step I am currently taking is working on signing with a commercial agent. I sent many submissions online of my headshot and resume and got a bite from a nice sized boutique agency in Studio City. I must admit, getting that phone call from them was one of the highlights of my life thus far. It was just instant validation: someone has faith in me and finds me marketable as an actor or client. I had my first meeting and had no idea what to expect except from what I had already been warned and told from fellow friends and actors who have agents. They were very friendly...a little intimidating but friendly nonetheless. I mean the office is a couple doors down from GLEE casting. It felt relatively good. I spoke with the two receptionists for fifteen minutes and they were wonderful. Then I met with the commercial agent herself, Annie and she was yes intimidating a bit but very forward and all around nice to be around. We spoke of so many elements of what goes into being represented and unions and SAG and all of that jazz. It was enlightening. Perhaps the most enlightening part was when she blatantly said, "I am going to be honest with you...I hate your headshots...HATE THEM". Now this may seem extreme but I had been warned an agent would say that, but she was extremely friendly in referring me to still slightly expensive but sort of reasonable photographers that could take headshots that captured my essence and showed the real me. Apparently I look far better in person then my pictures...she said I could do better. I thought my photos were just fine and enjoyed taking them but I suppose they aren't completely professional. So although I felt a little bit discouraged, in the end she asked if I could come back and do a monologue for her and the head of the theatrical division. I was thrilled...it wasn't a no...at least not yet. They wouldn't carry on business with me if they weren't interested. So they are interested. Which is really cool. I am going back on April 7th to come in and do a monologue for them. I was supposed to go in last week but had the devil's sickness (and apparently liver issues?!) so I had to reschedule, but even then they were extremely inviting and sympathetic (at least the receptionists). The only thing is now I have to somehow come up with the 300 hundred something dollars it costs to take new headshots...which is stressing me out.

Basically I need to make money. Now that I am not in a show anymore I am going to use this time to either search for employment somewhere or find some quick way to make money (no prostitution is not a resort for me...yet). Since school is winding down with a little more then a month left...everything seems to be happening again and I couldn't even begin to think how stressed I would be if I were in a show right now. I am going to be in the studio audience for Jimmy Kimmel live two times within the upcoming weeks (once on Thursday with Carey Mulligan and a couple weeks later with Zoe Saldana...I think that is how you spell her name...Avatar and Center Stage lady). So that should be fun. After doing so much theatre and acting for such a long period of time, it is nice to have a little break from that world so I can see the real world and refresh myself as an actor but even more importantly, a human being and an artist.

I went to Hawaii for Spring Break since we won a free trip basically to Maui from The Grove shopping center in L.A. Our room was sea side and beautiful and we didn't have to pay for parking, rental car, flight or lodging. Just our expenses when we were there. Within the five days and six nights that I was there I did many things I have never done before and am proud to say I now have done them. I basically felt like I was on LOST and in Avatar/Pandora for five days, six nights. It was glorious. Oh and did I say I chilled with some hippies on a nude beach with drum circles. Yes...that happened.

So much more stuff has happened since my last blog that it is difficult to sum it all up into another entry without at least forgetting some important statistics...which I am bound to do. Now I find myself questioning what to do for summer. I am so confused. I thought I was going to stay in L.A. for the summer and attempt to find a real day job or internship and audition, etc...especially if I end up signing with this agent. I might have to end up staying here if I do end up signing if Annie is going to be sending me out on auditions during the summer...I dunno...I'll have to work it out because I am just so ridiculously homesick right now. My family came out to see me for the first time in a collegiate level show. URINETOWN. They loved it and it happened to fall on my birthday weekend...only problem was that I was sick during it and their trip...they didn't mind, they loved California, especially my dad. Yeah that is right I spent my 21st birthday not at rehearsal or at a bar or club but IN MY PARENT's HOTEL BED. Whatever, 21st birthdays aren't ever as cool as they seem. The point is...I won't see my parents for eight months if I don't go home over the summer. And I have a feeling once I stay there for two weeks I would want to stay longer and it would be really hard to leave home.

PLUS depending on the status of my Ben and Jerry's job in FoCo that could be a deal breaker. I have worked there for the past two summers/years and would love to return there because I would be home and making money. The only thing I am concerned about at this point is that if I tell Annie I am thinking of going to Colorado for the summer that she won't sign me as a client. I don't know. I worry too much. And too often. The great thing is that these are great problems to worry about. I just have to take it one step at a time (you know like that horrid Jordin Sparks song).

This Business...

...is so time consuming. But I love it.

Buzz. Buzz. Buzz.

I'm buzzing. Buzzing with anticipation. Excitement for the future. For the infinite possibilities. I may be a dreamer but at least I pursue my dreams.

Montezuma's Revenge.

My life is funny. I find myself in a washing machine--not stuck, but tossing and turning aimlessly. I am not disappointed in myself. I have come VERY far...but I have a long way to go. I'm a dreamer yes, but I am also a do-er. I have dreams but I want to ACCOMPLISH them. I have accomplished several of these dreams and goals of mine within the last several months already. I am living in Los Angeles. I am a theatre major at THE USC. I have already been in a show within my first semester here and hope to be in many more! I am beginning to submit myself for agents and what have you. I would say that is a long way from being out of school and working at a Ben and Jerry's in Fort Collins, Colorado. Don't get me wrong...I miss home, quite a bit (especially my family and friends and the snow since it is snow-less here in California). But I am making new friends and LOVING not always being cold, although I like to have my doses of the seasons...snow included.

I am proud of how assertive I have been. Transferring schools...especially transferring to a big school like USC is NOT easy, however, because of jumping right in I have already met amazing friends and companions. I have learned many lessons and continue to test myself and my abilities as a performer. "A Dream Play" was one of the most agitating experiences because it was so complicated and I was constantly judging myself and questioning what more could be brought to my performance. In the end "A Dream Play" was a success and although it was not my best performance in my life, it was AN EXPERIENCE. Life is an experience. Taking in events and images and adapting. Changing. Evolving. I would not be where I am today socially or in any vain if it wasn't for my impulse to soar. I am such a dreamer and there are so many things I want to accomplish in this life. But I am also a realist and know that there is a mountain to climb in order to obtain every single goal and dream of mine.

I was sick since last Tuesday and missing classes and lying hopelessly on a couch did not make me happy. It still does not make me happy. Sure having some leisure time is absolutely wonderful, but I am someone who can't be stationary for too long--I freak out. I have to be moving, working towards a goal. Yes the big dreams of mine are kinda murky simply because there is so much to do in order to get to that point. But I can't look at the whole picture now...I have to take it one step at a time. One baby step at a time. An inch at a time. Then a foot then a mile and so on. Life is a process...it is a journey. Not a destination (yes I ripped off someone's famous quote wuah wuah). But yes. It sounds so simple yet it is a daunting task to accomplish. It doesn't help that I feel constantly overwhelmed. I honestly have been going, going, going since I moved here...and I continue to be busy. But busy is better then boring in my opinion.

I went to "Knott's Scary Farm" on the eve of Halloween with a couple friends. It was such a refreshing and invigorating experience. Between the milieu of haunted mazes (they always picked me to follow...I suppose I stand out) and amazing roller coasters it truly was a fun but exhausting evening. One of my favorite rides we rode that night was called "Montezuma's Revenge". The roller coaster takes off incredibly fast (like rip your face off fast) and then going through a colorful ring of light then upside down and then the same thing backwards...it is truly a rush. The entire time leading up to the actual ride itself was painful and nerve-wrecking. I sat there watching each batch of people fly away to their doom and them return shortly after. But once I was strapped in there was no going back. And you want to know something--it was one of the best experiences I have ever had. Something so small but significant. You can try to close your eyes and ignore the experience that is surrounding you, or you can open your eyes and go on a fantastic and awesome ride. I am going to try to take advantage of everything that comes my way and seek out opportunities that don't. As long as I am living I will be happy...even if I have my set backs every so often...but that is apart of life in itself.

L.A.

I found this amusing...considering I am moving out to Los Angeles in days.

Wow.

I leave for Los Angeles in (roughly) a week. Dear Lord. I have yet to pack. The roller coaster is finally beginning to board its one passenger. It is going to be a wild ride. I have already deposited the money for the first month of rent so I officially have a house in Los Angeles starting Saturday...I just won't be there til a week after. Wow. And now I am beginning to regret spending more time with my family. But hey, no regrets. I have to move forward. I hung out with my little little brother this morning and saw the new Harry Potter again...it was glorious. I enjoy his company. It is comforting knowing my entire family is under one roof...I have to get used to not having that...yet again.

As of now I have no idea how I am getting out to Los Angeles...either way I will have to do it without my parents. Blurg. But at the same time I feel that it will be an emotional yet therapeutic journey to go through by myself. Hopefully I will be driving out to L.A. with a dear friend of mine. It is a two day trip basically...and I feel like it will be a great transition into independence once again. Wow...just typing about it, is making me so excited. I am MOVING TO LOS ANGELES...HOLLYWOOD. I am really doing this. For months I have been complaining, worrying and bitching about the future. How can I now when such an exciting adventure is about to happen? Not being in LA has hindered many potential opportunities that I could of had in the past...but now I am actually going to be there! I can show up to auditions and show them what I got.

Yes...I might not be auditioning for some Nickelodeon pilot or have all of the connections...but this is all new to me. I have time. Patience. Patience. Patience. What matters is that I will be there amongst all of those people. Eventually I will find an agent and book jobs outside of school. And meanwhile...I will be training in my craft. What could be better for an actor? All I can say is wow. Yes I haven't booked anything yet...but I have a right to be incredibly excited. The future is exciting. Here I was in Colorado for six months...and I felt helpless...now I feel strong. Like I am taking the reigns and making my dreams concrete...maliable...and REAL. Wow. :)

Topsy-Turvy.

My mind is a jumble of discarded memories. Fragments of the past and estimated guesses at the future. What I know is what I feel. And I feel jittery. That pre-first kiss jitter. Your hands are shaking, your mind is running wild and you can't help but throw up a little in your mouth. You know you will probably enjoy it...but there is that slight chance that they might miss your mouth or you might bump into their chin...you might screw up. But you got there for a reason. You are sitting with that person because of a certain chain of events that have lead up to that very point.

Often I wonder how the hell I got to this point. Where I am right now. Two years ago I was in a similar situation. A bright and fresh high school graduate excited but nervous as hell to journey to Chicago to become an actor...to train in a Theatre Conservatory. Yet I pulled through. I made bunches of friends, learned so many valuable lessons and became a better actor and person because of it. Then cut to Christmas evening mid-sophomore year, where a huge decision was made. It was then that I told my parents that perhaps going back to Roosevelt wasn't the best idea. I try to pin-point the origins of my negative feelings towards CCPA and I can't really decide when it began. I was never UNHAPPY there. I had AMAZING friends and was testing my abilities as an actor, performer and individual. Some of my favorite memories came from my year and a half in Chicago. I saw Oprah, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. I saw all of the Olympians AND Oprah for a second time. I laughed, I cried and I grew up. So why is it that I STILL feel guilty about leaving everyone and my past behind.

I am reading "The Power of Now" and Eckhart Tolle continues to state that looking in the past will not help you find happiness. It will only hurt you. I think we learn from our past but like Mr. Tolle says, I also think that it is important to live in the present...for the present is what matters. Tomorrow is not guaranteed...and no point in wallowing in past mistakes or errors. But as I continue to live day to day I can't help but notice things seem to be muted. Sounds are not the same. Colors are not as vibrant and emotions are hard to tap into. When I think of this past Christmas when I made one of the most important decisions of my life, I think of how fast everything went. Within a week I went from living an independent life in Chicago to living with my family again. Not that I haven't enjoyed their company because that is anything but the truth. I have loved living back at home with the family (even though we have had our moments). One problem however, is that I have become semi-shy again. This makes me nervous because I have not been shy since I can remember.

When I initially came home from school I was bubbling with excitement for the future. Several of my Chicago friends envied me because I was leaving to "go onto bigger and better things" with my life. To take some "time off" from school and to see the REAL WORLD...not this bubble we called the acting conservatory. Living at home was fine for the first couple of months. Besides the needle in the hay sack search for a job I was enjoying rekindling old friendships and being in the comfort of my own home once again. But something was missing...I wasn't engaging in the love of my life...the drug that makes me shiver with complete euphoria...ACTING...PERFORMING...SINGING. I had a daily routine...wake up go to work, see friends, see family, stay up late then repeat. Then work some more. Work, work, work. Scooping ice cream at Ben and Jerry's is hardly artistic. In fact it isn't at all. I was not getting my high that I have lived off of for years...since I was a child. I crave it again. But NOW I feel as if I am rusty.

By a series of interesting and random events I applied to the University of Southern California and its internationally acclaimed theatre program. While I tried my hardest to get in and spent days on the application I did not want to set my hopes high. People...close friends and family included, told me to start thinking of back up plans because I "probably wouldn't get in to USC, and definitely would have issues with admissions into the theatre program". Low and behold...months later...I was accepted. I always had a slight ray of hope in me...it is what gets you through as an actor and as a person period. As Harvey Milk said, "You've got to give them HOPE". And now in mere weeks I am on my way to Los Angeles (epicenter of entertainment) to pursue my acting career as well as train at the USC's acclaimed Theatre Program. It seems now that people don't question me anymore. As my mother says to her friends, "If Braden wants something he will get it. It's that simple". I'm proud of that part of my personality. I am driven.

But the rusty part...because of this lapse in time from any form of acting or theatre or cinema I feel as though I am going to be a giant let down to the faculty and my peers, etc. I continue to invision auditions...stepping out onto the stage and just performing an EPIC FAIL. BOMBING. But I can't think like that. I also envision moving out there and being eaten by the parasites known as the millions of unknown actors, musicians and artists living in Los Angeles. But then I just have to tell myself. I got into the school for a reason. It is a sign. Not only is it a damn competitive University to get into but I ACTUALLY GOT ACCEPTED...not waitlisted or denied but ACCEPTED. I am worthy. That is all that matters. But being the sometimes melodramatic artist I am I always question the talent that people see in me. But you have to...it is what keeps you going, what makes your ego small and what forces you to keep on trying and change things up.

I have already met a bus load of USC students on Facebook (theatre and non theatre) and they have taken well to me thus far. I am living in a nice house with three fellow actors and I have (what people tell me to be...) a likeable personality. What have I got to lose. I have only dreamed and prayed for the day to come when I am jet setting to Los Angeles to pursue my acting career. I am actually pursuing it. Physically moving all of my things and myself to the other side of the country to make my dreams come true. People can't make fun of me for that. So many people are talkers...and I have been for the past semester, but now I am actually DOING IT...and that is exciting. And now as my very long and rambling blog entry comes to a close I am in a subdued yet pleasant mind set. People are cheering me on here and in Chicago. They know this is for the best and many exciting opportunities will come from this path I have decided to take. Beneath all of the absurd anxiety is excitement and absolute euphoria for the future. My only hope is that it all falls into place and I begin to see the vibrant colors I have missed for so long.

I know it will be hard but I also know that it will be fun. I will hopefully meet all of these people I have been talking to on Facebook and just fit right in. I have done this before. I am a TRANSFER...at least this isn't the first time for me. It is still fucking horrifying but I have a hand up on this game. Right now I am living on my drive and my family and friends. My old and very talented roommate and friend said to me, "Braden you will make it because you are hella talented". This is not the first time I have heard this...and that is enough to keep me going. I have nothing to prove... I just have a lot to show.

I Want to Go to There.

One of the most magical moments for me is when the credits begin to roll after a film. The music, the names...it is just magical to me. It never seizes to amaze me how worked up I get after watching a movie. When I was little I would always marvel in how cool it was...a movie...how people got to dress up and perform in front of a camera...and have the entire country watch. As the years have passed I have gone from marveling at film to wanting to jump into the screen. Every movie that I watch I watch with a critical eye. Every actor, every maneuver is under my scrutiny. Besides teachers or class the biggest text book for the actor is watching other actors. I just got back from "Public Enemies" and watching Depp is like watching salt water toffee being made...it never gets old. He is truly a chameleon. Sometimes I feel foolish while I watch movies. Most people go to see movies to escape...to just relax. I watch them to study...so that I can one day be on that very screen. As the days pass by I come to the realization that I am a day closer to living in Los Angeles, California (Hollywood). To actively pursue my dreams...as well as study and further my craft. There are so many thing I will have to accomplish and just thinking about it is a tad overwhelming...but I know that this is all happening for a reason.

"American Idol" is coming to Denver...my mom wants me to audition. I continue to tell her I am not ready...one more year. And she continues to tell me that it is an "in" for me into the business. But my ever so brilliant friend Ruthie reminded me that most people who are Idol Alums are just that...IDOL ALUMS...rarely do they expand on their careers...rarely. I never want a brand name like that to be attached to my name. I want to be known as the actor who is daring and doesn't stick to one brand name or company. A chameleon. Which is why thankfully I have come to my senses and will NOT be auditioning for Idol this year...besides Ruthie brought the point up that I want to be an ACTOR...yes I sing and yes I want to try to dip my feet into as many fields as I can but for now acting is the focal point in this road trip ahead. I want to be on that screen not too long from now...not a discarded "Idol" alum.

Hollywoo...My New Home.

I have been severely tired lately. Passing out in the middle of the day...napping during really intense movies, bumming around at work...all unusual for me. But I guess a lot has been happening. But this explains why I have yet to post a blog.

Things have been exciting.

I flew out to California Tuesday night and stayed there until Thursday...with my Dad. I went to go see the campus, go to USC orientation, sign the lease papers for my new house, and just explore my new home I will be calling Los Angeles, California. As you may have read I was basically shitting my pants in anxiety. However, as soon as I landed in California my nerves evaporated and instead, I felt content. Los Angeles gets a bad rap from people who either don't like it or have just heard rumors...but I was pleasantly surprised at how much I liked it. Granted I have yet to explore in depth this city but from what I saw...which was a lot in such a short time...I liked it. First of all, the weather was glorious. Sunny and warm...but not TOO warm because of the ocean breeze. The city itself is so huge that it is hard to judge whether or not you like it from just one section of the city. Like any city Los Angeles has its "Do NOT go near there" spots and it also has its "YOU HAVE TO CHECK THIS OUT" spots as well. But anyway...before I start writing an article for the Los Angeles Tourism offices I will get back on track. But the bottom line is...I am going to find an array of fun and experiences in L.A. that is for sure.

I met two of my roomies and one of their friends the same evening that I landed at a cool restaurant "Lab" near the USC campus. While I attempted to be my usual self I found myself acting nervous and awkward...but apparently I was neither to them. While it is naturally awkward meeting people in person for the first time, I could tell that with time I will get along with them swimmingly well.

Another thing I was terrified of was the possibility of me not liking the campus or the school itself. And yes...I suppose I took a risk by not visiting the school in the first place. However I was going to go to USC regardless if I got in for the opportunities and the location. The minute I stepped on campus I let out a giant sigh...of relief. The campus is gorgeous and even at 7am in the morning. As the day progressed I continued to meet familiar faces on Facebook and new faces...and all of them were friendly and bubbling with excitement. As I explored the campus further I only fell in love with it more. My dad even got emotional...which never happens. It was a crowning achievement moment for myself. I had gotten myself there and no one else. The whole day was rather intense...a lot was thrown in our direction all at once...but it was all exhilarating. Also, I was the ONLY, I repeat the ONLY transfer theatre major at that orientation session. This was actually really nice because I got to interact with my new advisement counselors and a few existing theatre majors on a one on one basis. I registered for classes and for the first time in my academic career I got to CHOOSE my classes...what a concept?! I am taking everything from Cinema to Experiments (a class emphasized around rehearsal in which two musicals are produced throughout the classes). I am very excited.

After orientation my dad and I headed over to my new L.A. bungalow...which is adorable. Adorable is the exact word to describe it. We were met by an extremely friendly Hispanic family who toured us around the house. It is the perfect size for four people and is more than nice for a group of actors/college students...and the price sure beats the hell out of USC housing.

From then on my dad and I went out for a nice dinner and then drove around the area...from Rodeo Drive to the Santa Monica area and pier...it was a lot in such a short amount of time, but it was so nice. We concluded our adventures and final day in the center of Hollywood. I not only got to walk the steps of the Kodak Theatre but pay homage to Michael Jackson at his star and shrine. It was very cool. It was exhilarating to be there amongst the imprints of Hollywood legends because it was a physical reminder of where I was. Where I had come to. Hollywood. THE Hollywood, California. It was the beginning of this long adventure I am embarking on. It gave me chills to see the stars and feet of all of these artists I look up to...and to daydream about possibly making it to that one day sent chills up my spine.

I could obviously go on and on about my two and a half days in Los Angeles but you will all hear plenty about my adventures in L.A. when I move there. Even now as I sit on my bed in Fort Collins, Colorado it still feels unreal. Like someone needs to pour a bucket of Lobsters on my head to wake me up. But every so often I am reminded that it is indeed reality. And that feeling is enough to make me so ridiculously happy.

RENT.

I saw the Broadway touring company of "Rent" tonight. I had never seen the show live...only had listened to the soundtrack 198273839938389 times since I was 13. It was magical. Truly magical...seeing the show live, and with some of the original cast members (Pascal and Rapp). There was so much depth and energy presented on stage. Yes, there were some weak moments with acting (Mimi's understudy at points) but overall it was a complete throwback to why I fell in love with musical theatre. I so clearly remember blasting the "Rent" soundtrack in my bedroom freshman year in high school (even before then). I remember borrowing it from the library and I remember blasting it as I drove down Mountain when I first got my license. "Rent" was HUGE in my life...the influence and impact it made was immense. I can thank "Rent" for helping me think outside of the box. Growing up in an extremely conservative and Catholic environment is hard as it is. "Rent" was my portal to another world of art and bohemia. I became open minded because of "Rent". Honestly. I don't think I knew what a drag queen was until I was introduced to Angel. I fell in love with all of the characters and their stories. But even more...I fell in love with the music.

I have lost track at how many times I have rocked out to songs from "Rent" before a show or after a show or a cast party or just in the middle of class. It ushered a new era and generation into the world and the world of musical theater. "Rent" made musical theatre cool and accepted. I was never so obsessed that I could be called a "renthead"...like some people in the audience tonight, but I loved the show for what it was and how revolutionary it was. It changed and is changing so many lives. As I sat with Cassie before the show and during intermission, I asked her how many people would walk out and not come back...surprisingly when the lights went dark again there were only (roughly) five empty seats. Colorado is usually fairly conservative, so I was proud that so many people stayed and had open minds. Another thing that fueled the goosebumps...was the amount of energy in the audience. As soon as the lights dimmed and Adam Pascal walked across the stage I felt like I was at a football game...everyone was cheering so insanely loud. And the same for Anthony Rapp and the others...everyone was there for them...the cast. To know you are in a show that has impacted so many people...an entire generation...generations...that is just unbelievable to think about. I hope I make an accomplishment like that at some point in my career as an actor, singer and performer.

Ooohhhh....and I also got some autographs from Anthony Rapp and the ladies who played Maureen and Mimi...it was so drowsy and rainy that most of the actors just went to their hotel rooms after. It was just nice to see the actors in the flesh. It always is.

NO DAY BUT TODAYYY!

Drive.

I'm in my room. It is almost midnight. The fan is swiftly blowing and Tracy Champan's "Fast Car" is playing in the background. I love that song. I love music in general. For the past two days I have been belting out "Hair" and songs from "Next to Normal". I usually sing when I am inspired, excited, jumpy or bored. I'm seeing "Rent" with a great friend of mine tomorrow night, I am very excited! "Rent" was a major influence on me and my love for musical theatre. I remember renting the cast album from the library when I was 13. SO weird to think that was seven years ago...really? So much has changed since then...but then again, a lot hasn't. I am still me. Still the Braden who loves singing show tunes and re-enacting scenes from movies. I am and have always been an actor and performer. I look back at baby albums and can see the lust for performing even at the innocent age of 2. There is a sparkle in my eye...a little bit of jazz hands. My parents remind me that they used to watch "Star Search" with me when I was a baby and I was enthralled. They tell me I danced to Oprah's theme song whenever the show came on. I have always been eccentric and a bit crazy. Not crazy, just lively. Which is why this semester was very hard for me because I began to see the liveliness die a little bit. The passion was still there, but was extinguished by certain things. Now I am better...I am working towards something. TRAINING...I am TRAINING again...with my art! I am so unbelievably excited to start again (anxious) but SO excited. As the lovely Alice Ripley said at her Tony's acceptance speech (something along the lines of), "In College I trained and worked to get a BFA...a Bachelor's of Fine Arts. This is an art...it takes time and training".

I am excited to get back to making something. Collaborating. Making a performance. Challenging myself. Pushing the boundaries in acting and singing and in life. I wrote in my journal a couple weeks ago...I want to work towards becoming fearless. Of course it is IMPOSSIBLE to be completely fearless but to be fearless once or twice in a day or perform an act you would not normally do. Acting is the best when you are fearless, no hold ups. It is the same in life. Relationships and friendships last longer when you aren't judging everything or being insecure all of the time. It is good to be fearless. It is something I am working on. Ever so surely I become a little more confident in my abilities and potential...every day. Yes it helps to hear people say positive things about your talent and future, but that is not what you should rely on. Thank God I am driven. Actors (douchey sometimes) like Matthew Morrison say that his advice to future actors is to stop doing it because it is too hard...that is because he is scared of someone showing him up. Yes a lot of actors will crumble under the pressure. But thank God I love doing this so much. To stop doing it would be like to stop living and breathing. Yes, I'm sure a lot of young performers say the same exact thing...but sometimes they are not actually merited with talent. No one is exactly positive of their capabilities, but all I know is that there are a lot of people supporting my choice because of what they see in me. I have a lot to share with the world.

The Tony's.

It is 1:22 AM on what is now a Tuesday morning. I have been inspired once again. Firstly, I had a nice lengthy conversation with my friend Erica over the phone. Not only was it nice to hear her voice and to hear she is doing well but we discussed life and the mysteries of it...like usual. Then when I came home I could not stop watching YouTube videos of The Tony's. Everytime I watch an award show like The Tony's I become instantly inspired again. I could not imagine doing anything else but playing fascinating characters and singing on stage or behind the camera. I love it...so very much. I am so excited to get back to work in the fall and continue to fine tune my talents. The downfall of watching The Tony's is the fact that I want to be doing that NOW. But everything takes time...and to be honest I don't think I am completely prepared. I am just going to let things play out...I know how driven I am and I know of the exciting opportunities that will be present in Los Angeles and etc. Time. Patience. The best lesson to be learned.

I have also been thinking a lot about leaving my family again in the fall. It saddens me and consumes a lot of my thoughts. I love them so very much...and while I know I have to leave Colorado to do the things I want to do at the level I want to do them...it still saddens me to know I will not be within walking distance. Yes, I know I can't change these things...and yes I can't think about morbid things...they will happen wherever I am. Life is cruel this way. We live with our family for so long, we love them, we hate them but really we just love them...and then...you are catapulted away from them. On your own. I like being independent but I also love the comfort my parents give me. The constant support, the hugs, the conversations. I have grown closer with them throughout this past semester. I love them so very much. And my family and pets in general. But I am living on the fact that they are so proud of me and what I am doing...they know I am actively pursuing my dreams and while it slightly terrifies them...they know that I am very diligent and persistent. The only thing I can ask for is that they will be there when I make it.

I have provided a couple of my favorite performances from the Tony's this year. I have become really addicted to "Hair" again...I would love to play anyone in that show. I have the soundtrack on shuffle and have been listening to it non-stop. And I have a man crush on Gavin Creel. And as far as "Billy Elliot" goes...I am jealous of those little boys...who gets to star on Broadway at that age? And where did you get those dance skills?

It's Beginning to Hit Me.

It hit me. Again. Just this very minute. I am going to be living in Los Angeles. Yes...I am scared shitless. But the nerves are equally met with a feeling of relief and excitement. It is enough to know that I will be attending one of the best Universities and Theatre programs in the United States...but what really gets me going is the location. Los Angeles...Hollywood. THE BIG LEAGUES. Yes, I will land in LAX and probably start shaking in my boots. I will probably begin to doubt my abilities, my strength and my courage. But then I will remind myself that I am PHYSICALLY pursuing my dreams. For so long I have talked to people about moving out to L.A. to pursue my acting career. How I was going to continue my studies at USC while auditioning and starting my career...and I am sure many of those people just rolled their eyes and thought, "How cute...how naive of him". But then it happened. IT ACTUALLY HAPPENED! Twas a dark and rainy evening when I ran out to the mailbox and saw that beautiful package. It was physical proof of a big success of mine. I hope to have many more in the future.

Not going to lie, a majority of the time people look at me like I am crazy when I tell them I want to be in movies and on big stages. Not that they doubt me or my talents...they just don't think I am strong enough or have the will power. But lately these thoughts have shifted. The other day my mom said, "Wow...whatever Braden puts his mind to...he achieves". She calls up family and friends constantly and tells them the good news about the fall...how she wants to come out and visit me all the time with the family. It feels good to hear sentiments like this again. Truly. For a while there I began to panic...foolishly. I was in a rut. But now, I am happy to report...I am beginning to see the other side of this rut, this tunnel. And it looks promising. I have a lot of support...from family, friends, professors and co-workers. I feel a little shaky (the nerves of starting a new life basically) but I know that things happen for a reason. This happened for a reason. I am already meeting a lot of really kind people from USC and they are pumping me up! Yes there is the occasional distant individual but it IS Facebook. It seems to me that I am one of the only Theatre transfers this year that was accepted...I don't know whether to feel flattered or scared. I have to prove myself to these talented performers and faculty!

I feel a little rusty in theatre, singing and acting...but when it comes down to it, it is just like riding a bike...you always go back to it easily. SO yes...my mind is occupied with thoughts of the future. I have my occasional anxiety...but I think it is the combination of excitement for the fall and my present happiness with how the summer is going that makes me feel content. I love my family...my friends...and work. I don't want to jinx ANYTHING...but I feel that things are moving (ever so slowly) in a good direction. I have to remember why I became an actor and fall in love with this art every day...whether I am in a show or not. Whether I am auditioning or not. This is a huge part of my life. I can't wait to get back into action. When it comes down to it I have a feeling the nerves and anxiety will disappear and I will kick some booty...I have a lot of pent up emotions just waiting to explode!

Now that I made the deposit, am amidst a housing hunt and have signed up for orientation on July 1st...things seems real. Or are at least beginning to form into reality in my head. In other news Emily and I had a little Salsa making gathering at mi casa tonight! It involved many easy going activities...one which included blankets. :) Pictures are attached. Well...goodnight world...you are so fascinating. I hope tomorrow will bring another day of beauty.

It Begins...

The letters are beginning to trickle in. Not letters from the Pope...letters from colleges. But you probably guessed that. The first and only one I have received so far came from Colorado University-Boulder. Accepted. As a theatre major. Accepted. A word I always like to hear:

A-C-C-E-P-T-E-D

Let me say it again just to annoy you: accepted. For a while I was getting nervous since I had not heard from ANY school. I just envisioned my application sitting in some dumpster...my chances of being enrolled at any university being raped before my eyes. But alas, it begins. While CU Boulder was and still is in a way my last choice, simply because I am trying to get out of Colorado...I am ever so slowly beginning to envision the possibility of being enrolled there. A huge part of me screams, "NO! You moved from Chicago to Boulder, Colorado...where there are no connections?!" And that part of me seems to be ruling over the other part of me which is logical and practical. "If I go to CU Boulder I won't graduate with 100+ thousand dollars of debt. And considering my profession...I do not feel safe signing for so many loans that I can't guarantee will be payed on time".

Obviously I am going to wait til I hear from my top choices: USC and Chapman (Vassar for me is already out of the question...especially since I didn't realize it was Ivy League when I applied there). If I don't get into USC or Chapman I will have to consider two options. Go to CU for the remainder of my education or stay there for a semester and then attempt to transfer to a California school...or just move to California come fall and get a job and enroll at a junior college for the time being. Either way, getting into CU Boulder showed me that I still have the ability to be noticed both as an actor but a student. I got the brains and the talent. Praise Jesus. And CU Boulder is not anything to frown about...it is Public Ivy League...in the top 100 Universities. I'm sure if I ended up there I would turn out a fine actor. Because let's face it...it doesn't matter where you go to college...it is what you make of it, especially when it comes to something like acting. I can't even begin to count the amount of actors who have come from unknown public universities. So that is comforting. Besides one of the major reasons I left Roosevelt was because I couldn't afford it any more. I'm not going to scoff at CU Boulder...I will leave the possibility open...besides it would please my parents...and in the end myself financially. Shoot, Jonah Hill (Superbad) even went to CU.

But I guess I can't really make a decision until the other schools make theirs. So until then I will keep an open mind and hope for the best. Besides, I've got other things to occupy myself for the time being. Like finding a summer job. This is the most important step. Without a job...none of my summer trips I was planning can actually happen. Not to mention I need all the money I can get for tuition and to pay back credit cards, etc. I even applied to Hobby Lobby today...and I did not see one male in sight...not one. Blurg...can I not be an adult? Can I revert to my five year old self and shove Play-Dough up my neighbor's nose? Can I go frolic like Frodo on the jungle gym? Can I just put on neighborhood plays and play doctor? I'm done being a grown up.

Revelation 2.

It seems to me that my logic shifts roughly every two weeks. One week I'm incredibly happy and the next I want to pack up my life and move to Australia. Such is the mind of a 20 year old. Everything seems so uneasy. Bipolar is not a condition...it is a part of life. It's funny though because my eyes were opened the other day. A complete revelation (kind of). By helping a friend in a semi-not really-but kind of close- situation as myself...I was able to not only give her advice, but also get the advice I needed from an unexpected source: myself.

I guess my biggest thing is finding confidence in myself. Realizing that I am a force to be reckoned with...but also a good guy...a good friend...good son, etc. I pride myself in being multi-dimensional and caring. Even with directors, friends, professors, etc telling me how "talented I am" or how much potential I have...or what not, I always seem to be overcome with a sense of doubt. Doubt in my abilities as an actor or even just in my abilities to be a good friend or family member. But then I realize that doubt can be a good thing. When it gets to the point that it clouds my inhibitions and artistic freedom...then it needs to end. But doubt is good because it is a reality check. It tests me. Forces to be stronger. Forces me to be more competitive and in the end a better performer and individual.

I am slowly but surely realizing that happiness is a journey not a destination. I know that what I truly want more than anything is to work successfully in film, television and stage. Shoot...I wouldn't even mind a chance at modeling just for fun. But these things are not going to happen overnight. I have to continue what I am doing. Life life day in and day out...try my damn hardest...put myself out there...train and continue to nourish my craft and then hopefully I will recieve something in return. Time. Time heals. Time makes and breaks things. In this circumstance I have a feeling time will be my best friend. I do need time. Time to develop as an actor. Time to develop physically...grow into the man I know I want to become. Right now I am in between. The mind of a man...the body of a boy.

I think today helped me tremendously with my current state of mind. Not only was it a spectacular summery spring day...but I was out...living. A couple friends and myself went up to the mountains and bathed in the sun as we hiked, ate Triskets and even layed out on giant boulders that were humbly placed in the river. I event tried crossing the river but ended at the bottom of it. Which... resulted in a half baked phone (no 4/20 pun intended). Speaking of 4/20...I think going to the mountains was the best remedy. I don't care if people smoke pot...however, I care when the city of Fort Collins shuts down an entire street because "Cheba Hut" is having a 4/20 party. Luckily, there were limited douches up amongst the trees and rivers. To me hiking is the best excercise. It doesn't even feel like you are doing a cardio work out...but really you are. For me working out always helps when I visualize a clear ending point...a destination. Such is life. Which is most likely why I have had and continue to occassionally have problems discussing my current state or the future. Because there isn't an exact line or direct path to where I want to be. I see the ending (through my eyes)...now getting to that high point will be one mind fuck of a ride. But the overall point is that whenever I experience such a beautiful day as the one I witnessed today I can't help but think of how lucky I am to be living. Granted I have a light sun burn, feel a little dehydrated and literally fell face forward into a raging river...but I feel refreshed somehow...and not fully content...but a step closer than I was yesterday.

No I haven't heard back from any of the universities yet. And I may not even for another month...but you know what I'm not going to let that get into my way. Whatever happens...acceptance or rejection...I am alive. I am 20. How exciting is that? I have the future in front of me...literally. Unless I am in a tragic accident (God willing that will hopefully not happen) I have a life in front of me. And I'm no baby any more. Even my mother acknowledged this the other night. I am growing up and I need to take the reins once again. If I don't get into USC or Chapman...I'm going to move to Los Angeles in the fall and start working at restaurant and start auditioning. Find an agent...and find the connections. All of the good stuff. At least I would be in the hub of the entertainment industry...and at least I would have a larger pond and therefore larger possibility of obtaining a day time job while I find acting work. I am ready to take chances. To make dreams happen. I'm done driving in the back seat. This is MY LIFE. Shoot...I'm even going to continue working out each day so that one day, hopefully, one day I can even be proud of strutting myself on the beaches of California.

P.S. I had the priviledge of watching "Teeth" the other night. Rent it. Watch it with your girlfriend, your boyfriend, your grandpa...your grandma...shoot even your parents. It is beauteous.

Brunch.

Later today my family and I attended an Easter "brunch" at a family friend's house. Several things became apparent at this brunch. But amongst these things, perhaps the most striking, was how much I don't like where I am right now in life. Whatsoever. Yes, I am on a journey. I am on a path. A path that is oh so tedious and winding. However, whenever I have to explain to old faces where am I right now in life...I only get depressed. They ask me, "So how have you been?" And then I lie. "I've been great...really good in fact." And then they ask me..."But what are you doing"? And I respond with something along the lines of, "You know just chilling for the time being, trying to find a job. I'm really close to getting a job for the summer. I have been submitting for films and television and such and have been getting a lot of feedback and response, but I'm not in LA or NYC so nothing has come from my submissions. But I'm working on it". And then they look at me like I'm crazy. Like I'm making this up. My tone of voice is made up...sounds very proficient and like I know what I'm doing. When in reality I know that I'm in a rut. A large rut. I keep on telling myself that this is okay. Everyone takes time out of their lives to figure things out. But the truth is, there was never anything I had to figure out. I know where I need to be. And I know I need to get there.

I always hate going over to events like brunches at other people's houses. People want to fill silence with conversation. And just when you think they actually want to hear about you and your life, your stories, your feelings...they either walk away or change the subject. This "brunch" lasted roughly seven hours. Until I broke away. My family is still there as I write. I like these people, they are nice...but for some reason I was rubbed the wrong way today. I can't exactly describe how or why, but I was. People in Fort Collins are used to seeing the very pro-active Braden. The very self determined and self driven International Baccalaureate graduate. The "Thespian of the Year". And now it just seems like I'm playing childish games and waiting to hear from schools I either won't get into or can't afford. What they don't realize...is that amongst this purgatory I find myself in...I am still all of those things...in fact I could not be more hopeful for my dreams than I am right now. I know things take time. But sometimes, in order to jump start the journey, you have to make a change. Take a chance. I don't think anyone believes me when I tell them I am going to settle down in LA or NYC someday. I think they think I'm dreaming. I'm not. I am 100% sure of where I need to end up. I'm just trying to figure out the best way to get there.

It only makes me sad and frustrated when I see people that I like look at me like I'm just an infant. Incapable of doing anything truly. I don't play sports and I'm not your typical macho man, so there is my one big flaw already. I want to be an actor, yet I just left a theatre conservatory so obviously I am delusional if I think I would ever make it as a professional actor. I'm not your typical Brad Pitt figure, so I'm not meant to be in the pictures. All of these things just make me that much more driven. You have no idea. What the hell is stopping me from doing what I want to do? Nothing nor no one. And the thing is, I don't think they really know that. I will not compromise my big dreams and my goals for anything. Which is why being here is slowly killing me. I know this is time for me to re cooperate and re adjust my personal life. But come fall, if I am still here...things are going to change. In a big way. I want to be proud of where I am and what I am doing once again. I want people to come see me in my shows. To be performing again. To study. To learn. Shoot, if it was up to me a month and a half ago I would be on my way to Los Angeles right now. No school, just work and pursuing my acting. But I know this would not fly. And I do want my parents to be proud of me. But I also want them to take me seriously. Every time I tell them of a casting agent calling or emailing me they shrug and ask when I'm going to find a real job.

I don't know when, I don't know how, but I know something's coming. Maybe not this INSTANT but in the future. There are those actors like Debra Messing. Her parents encouraged her acting but said a collegiate background was necessary. And look what became of her. I just have to tell myself the same can come from me. I am capable. I am talented. And I am so eager to be apart of this business. This craft that I so love.

Another reason I was perhaps rubbed the wrong way this evening was listening to the blatant ignorance and judgment of people. Describing how a person's appearance obviously means they are a certain way. If they are chubby they are funny and pathetic at the same time. How apparently you can tell if someone is gay...which I admit is sometimes obvious, but more often not. I don't know. I guess I am a little disappointed. Conservative or even liberal, people can be harsh and ignorant. I would not want anyone to judge me the way that I see people often judge others. Sadly, it happens a lot. But being a victim of this harsh judgment I have become extremely open minded and saddened whenever I see harsh judgments being passed on others besides myself. In the end ultimately you can think whatever the fuck you want about me, but I will still be me and I will still be the only person on this planet who truly knows how I feel at any given moment. I will be the only one who has known all of my secrets, and what I do behind closed doors and who I want to become. You can pass judgment on my appearance, on my voice, on my topics of discussion or even on my hobbies or passions...but in the end, you don't know shit about what I've been through. So go ahead everybody, pass judgment on your friends. On your neighbors. On people you don't even know. But let me ask you one thing...how would you feel if I critiqued every little thing about you without really knowing you? You may have won the Noble Peace Prize but because you have greasy hair or talk higher than a bass I think your pathetic and "gay".

I guess I'm just disappointed in us. In me. In you. Yes, you are allowed to have your opinion. But why must you share it with others in a harsh matter? Why continue to orchestrate hate? This is a serious problem that really upsets me. Intolerance. You preach til the sun rises...you save people, but then you damn them to hell the next day. It just does not add up. In a world filled with negatives, there is so much positive. The same goes for beauty. This world is so beautiful. So why must we focus on bringing each other down...on the ugly facets of humanity? I dunno. Seven hour brunches usually get me thinking.

Long Time...No Blog.

It has been quite a long time since my last lengthy blog. I had a fantastic time in New Orleans or Nawlins as I call it. I am fairly sure I gained 10 pounds, which is a feat in itself for my high metabolism. Between the heavenly soul food, location and family...I was in heaven. I didn't worry about ANYTHING. This is rare for me. So here is where my head is at...currently, it could change as soon as the morning hits. I felt incredibly productive today. I applied to not one, but two colleges. Which is quite exasperating. I can't believe I applied to as many schools as I did when I was a senior in high school. It is HARD work. First of all you have to prove yourself on paper and then upon this, you have to be witty. Which for me involves my "Witty" button to be turned on. I wasn't going to apply to any other schools, but then I realized if I wanted a shot of getting out of Colorado, it would be wise to apply to out of state schools that I could actually get into. While I would love to attend USC in the fall, sadly, I think that I will not be accepted. I know I'm not supposed to be negative, but it is better than watching your hopes come plummeting from la-la land. But my applications are barely interesting to anyone else, let alone myself, so I will change the topic.

As I was telling my friend Karissa this evening, over Skype...I am beginning to (knock on wood) have a slighter optimistic outlook on life. I think my biggest problem is thinking TOO much. Normal people usually think about what they are going to eat for dinner, I think about if I will make it as an actor before I die. Normal people think about how good a movie is. I think about how I can get into that movie...or the next of it's kind. I obsess...about everything. Which can be good or bad. Obsessing is acceptable to a point. Obsessing about hygiene is good...but can lead to OCD. Obsessing about my passion of acting is good because it keeps me motivated...but it can lead to my insanity. But for the first time in a long time, I got this feeling in the pit of my stomach the other day that I will one day make it. That it is already in the cards for me. It was comforting. Perhaps, this is why I am becoming more mellow about my current state as a performer. Life ain't amazing, but it ain't bad. I know that I have my work ahead of me--this isn't an easy way of life, but then again nothing I do is ever easy. I was manufactured with a big heart, talent and an open mind. What else could I ask for?

The only time I relapse is when I realize individuals like Zac Efron and Miley Cyrus actually have a career. But then I realize I want to be doing Kaufman not "That's So Raven" the movie. Then I feel fine. But then there are the times when I know that I could be used currently in the film industry. But the thing is, I am in a category unlike any other. People in the industry I come across always tells me, "You are memorable and you stand out because you are so unique". While I am slowly realizing the benefits of my unique look, I am still insecure about it. People tell me I'm attractive but I just don't see it. People tell me I'm talented and it helps...but sometimes I say to myself, "What the fuck am I doing in this business? I don't have what it takes. I'm horrible". And then I give the performance of my life. I am wired differently. I don't know how everything has panned out like it has, but it has done so for a specific reason.

My love, Winslet seems to be the same way. In one interview she was talking about "Titanic" and how during the entire process she felt like they hired the wrong actor. She said, "I was horrible, I wasn't acting, I didn't know what acting was". It is so true. As an actor, I have license to say, that "acting" is quite an anomaly. The so called method actors like Bale and Penn take it so seriously, which I admire to an extent, but acting in itself is funny...it is imitating life. It shouldn't be that hard right? But yet bad actors are so bad at holding the mirror up to themselves and the world around them. So is the key to being a good actor being aware of the universe? Is the key to good acting, good imitation? There are the methods of acting that I have been exposed to, and yes, they work to some extent, but it is so subjective. Sometimes I think I'm a masochist. I don't have to be doing this to myself. But then I realize I get high off of the nerves and butterflies of an audition or callback. And I overdose on the exhilaration of an audiences applause or laughter. When a director agrees with my choices. It is all exhilarating. And as much as I complain or bitch, I love it so much. I just feel like I am getting rusty because I'm not training right now. It's been three months and I feel like I couldn't make it into a Nickelodeon Soap Opera. But then I realize, I am doing the most important work right now...I am out in the real world and observing. I find a new character every day. Sometimes without even looking. They are everywhere. And that in itself is a vital tool for the actor.

Anyhoo...don't know I got into that rant but it happened. The point is...uncertainty is apart of being an actor and living on this planet. You NEVER know what is going to happen. An actor's life can change the instant he gets a phone call for the next big film or when he doesn't get the film. It is all about living in delicious ambiguity. You can't dwell on the audition you failed or the audition you nailed. You can't assume anything. You have to live your life and the opportunities will present themselves. With this logic I have begun to realize that college will not hinder me as a performer OR an individual. A good friend of mine told me today that college would be a good fit for me because I am "so smart". I blushed. But in all honesty, since being away from hardcore text books I feel like I am a bit rusty in that department. And I want to be a Linney, Streep and Winslet...I want to be knowledgeable about my craft but about the world I live in. Why certain things work a certain way. I want to ask questions. And I want to find the answers.

Revelation.

(Knock on wood) but I think my neurotic worrying is coming to a slow stop. After three months of being in this realm I call "limbo"...I have finally begun to realize that I will indeed be okay. While I am eager as ever to jump into the playing field and move to Los Angeles and ditch college...I know that this would be an unwise decision. Many of the actors and performers I idolize the most (Linney and Streep among them) had a strong collegiate education. Not to say that all actors need a college education, but in my case I think it would certainly help. I re-evaluated my goals and dreams as a performer and realized that college would not hurt my chances of becoming what I want to be. In fact, it may even benefit me more (with the networking and experiences I will have...wherever I end up). AND it is only two and a half more years...and then I will satisfy both my family and myself. AND THEN I can go on to become the performer I want to be without worrying if I can get a day/"survival" job because I don't have a degree.

The truth is...our world is becoming an (even more) intensely competitive environment. Everyone wants to be an actor and everyone needs a job. The standards are being risen...with college acceptance rates and I don't even want to think of the statistics of how many actor's are trying to find gigs or agents. Therefore, because of such circumstances found with this and the rotting economy, a degree is "vital" as President Obama said. While I have always had the mindset of a race horse at the gate, I think I need to give myself more time to develop both as an individual and as an actor. So many actors my age have decided to throw away a college education and just go to L.A. to become the next big star...unfortunately only 5% (approximately) actually find true success. And most youthful actors have sold their souls to the Disney or Nickelodeon corporations. Their careers are extremely strong but then fall quickly after a five year period. I don't want to be in that category...I want to be remembered. While this may sound absurd, I guess my biggest fear is that I would die or be caught in a serious accident before I was able to make it in show business. I know it sounds ridiculous. But then I thought about it. And you know what...there is a thing called fate. Everything happens for a reason. I still firmly believe in that. This hiatus from school has taught me many lessons about myself and my expectations. One of them being that I will NOT settle for anything less than my dreams. I re-iterate a quote from my last entry, "The day you let go of your dreams, is the day you let go of your life".

I will not only sacrifice anything for my dreams but I will make sure that one day they come true. Or in my eyes...I will see myself as a failure. But I have no worries. I have my dreams to set me on my way. I have the talent, drive and open mind. I have my faith to rely on. And I just need the patience to let me know that it is okay if it takes times time to reach those dreams. I know that I have so much to offer as an artist and individual and I know that someday (may not be tomorrow or next week)...but someday I will be known for my craft and for my contributions to this industry. Some day.

On a random note...I am excited because Ruth and I are embarking on an adventure tomorrow to Denver's Museum of Natural History. Going to see me some dinosaurs, watch an IMAX film and study the stars. I love adventures.

The (Abridged) 10 Year Plan.

So everyone always asks me what my goals are as a performer. I have to ask myself the same question every day. So with the inspiration of a dear friend, I devised a 10 year plan. Yes, I could keep it private but I will share with you an abridged version. Here are the cliff-notes of my 10 Year Plan to become the actor I want to be:

I'm 20.

I'm looking for agents as we speak and have been submitting to as many projects that fit my look as I can. I have been getting some bites here and there but due to my location, they all fell threw. So I understand that in order to establish my career as a successful actor I will have to make the move to either coast...no matter how terrifying that notion is.

By 21/22 I want to have been an extra in a variety of movies/television and or booked a commercial, pilot or independent film (on any level)
-I want to also have gotten an agent.
-I want to have moved to Los Angeles or New York City by this time.
-Ideally I would love to study at USC while working in L.A. (depending if I get in...crossing fingers). Although, if that does not happen, I will most likely return to school and finish my degree and postpone L.A. or NYC.
-Take classes at Second City or The Groundlings (depending on the city I find myself in).

By 24 I want to have been in a short or feature film on any scale (non union or union)
-I also want to join SAG, AFTRA or AEA by then.

By 26 I want to have booked a television show, pilot or stage show
-Supporting or Lead

By 28, I want to have had ample experience in both straight theatre/musical theatre/film/television.

By 30 I want to establish a name for myself in Los Angeles or New York, or both.
-I want to be a lead in a feature film (SAG)
-I want to dabble in writing at this point (think Tina Fey).
-Want to be on SNL (if it still exists).

Once again this is an incredibly abridged version. On the map of my future, these are all check points that I hope to come to. I can't exactly detail how I am going to go from point to point, since luck and random elements have such substantial roles in this business. Either way, talking about it makes me excited but scared...scared because I know my life will change quite a bit when I stop talking and actually start doing things.

On another note, my run today was not as pleasant as I thought it would be. The wind was not warm like yesterday's and it raped my body...the prairie dogs were not as jubilant. They were fat and scary.