I Am DIFFERENT.

You may stare at me as I pass you by on the street.
You may gawk and heckle at my very lengthy and awkward limbs.
You may say certain things to bring me down.
Call me names...give me labels...tell me my dreams are worthless.
You might even try to put me in a box...
...say that I am only certain things and can only accomplish certain things...
but you are wrong.
I will break this box that you are so eager to place me in.
Because listen bitches...I am different.
I was placed on this earth to BE different.
To bring something DIFFERENT to the table.
I may not drive a BMW like everyone in LA.
I may not look like Brad Pitt.
I may not be proportionate...I may have immensely long limbs.
BUT THAT MAKES ME UNIQUE...
DIFFERENT from you and Jo Schmo next door or down the street.
Yes everyone wants to become a "celebrity" or make it big...but I am different.
I'm willing to work to get to where I need to be.
I am willing to test myself and show the world who I am.
I am willing to surpass your false judgments and pathetic conduct.
I don't judge you.
So don't judge me.
Because we are all different.

Live Your Life.

The rain and thunder storms are creating a wonderful symphony. Beyonce is echoing in the background. Work felt like forever today. I find myself in a bizarre mood. It seems like the very earth I walk on is one giant juxtaposition of itself. With everything. One moment I find myself completely content with my life and then the next I hear some horrible bit of news and it sends me spiraling into the infamous land of overthinking.

For some reason death finds itself in numbers. Usually I don't find myself contemplating the statistics of those who pass away...but there just seemed to be too many in June. BIG ones. I hear of friends of friends who died in a car crash instantly or are in a medically induced coma or have just been diagnosed with cancer...perhaps for a second time. I am put in my place whenever I hear of such things. I become grounded. Just to even think of something happening to God forbid my family or friends is enough to make me cry. Even thinking about my life and what is in store...I can only hope that God has a nice long life ahead of me.

I bring up this "Debbie-Downer" blog because within the past day I have been hearing horrendous news left and right. One of my roommates mother's passed away this week. Yesterday when we celebrated the 4th at my friends house in Boulder we "met" (briefly) one of her roommates. She went to go to a friends house. She never returned. Less than an hour ago my friend Emily called and said that the same girl who I barely met had hydro-planed and flipped her car...sending her into a violent crash. She is now in a medically induced coma. We were the last people she saw. Life is a mischievous poltergeist at times. It plays with our emotions and our cores. I did not know any of these individuals truly...yet I am still confronted with an explosion of pain for their families and the ones they loved. How can someone's life be viciously taken away from them in a matter of minutes...at the age of 20. When they have the entire world in front of them. The possibilities go from endless to none in a matter of minutes. I don't understand. And I never will.

I could never be a doctor. In a hospital 24/7. I hate hospitals. Once again a juxtaposition of life and death. A constant reminder of the circle of life. There is beauty in birth but I can't find any in the ending of a life. When travesties happen they remind me of my family and friends and my life. How precious it is. Truly. How like glass, at any unexpected moment it could shatter into a million little pieces. But I hate exploring brutal thoughts like that. I once had a dream several years ago that my dad died...I remember vividly waking up and gushing tears. It upset me to my core. I am not ready for that to happen yet...I will never truly be ever...but Lord oh Lord not now.

Everything becomes so shallow and insignificant when pain hits home. Petty situations with friends or family becomes obsolete. You soon discover that inanimate objects that iPhones or iPod don't mean shit. Life does not come with a price tag. It's like Beyonce...you just can't compete with the fragility of it...life. I was put on this earth to make something of myself. I was put on this earth to be a loving son, brother, friend and maybe in the future...lover and father. My career and my passion for acting are so unbelievably strong, but I need to understand that life should be lived and not forgotten. I will make the best of these years and cherish every memory, every individual and every opportunity that comes my way. I am not going to dilly-dally anymore. I am going to grab the bull by the horns and ride this ride like no tomorrow. I am not going to live my life like it is some secret. I am not going to be ashamed of who I am and I am definitely not going to dwell in the past. Life is the present. The rain as it falls to the ground. Not the clouds that come before. Live your life. Experience the beauty around you. We are wonderous creatures.

Excitement.

One week until I am in Los Angeles for Orientation. EEEEEEEEH. I am so nervous but so excited at the same time. I talked to one of my future housemates today on video chat and she is so sweet. It got me excited...even though I probably seemed nervous...I was so excited. It really is not that hard to meet people...especially if they are friendly. Apparently our house is "beautiful" and I cannot wait to see it in person...as well as my housemates. I am so excited to meet them in person. And to just jump start things. It is already crystal clear how many opportunities will be presented in Los Angeles. And it is now when I begin to realize it is ACTUALLY happening. I am not just dreaming it, I am not just imagining it. I am embarking on my dreams and doing something about it.

OFFICIALLY Summer.

So it took a little bit longer for summer to spring upon Northern Colorado, but I think (knock on wood) it has sprung! How do I know this...between the hot weather, the bright sun and fun sleep-overs in tents, it is hard not to think it is summer! It is even warm enough to go skinny dipping (which I plan on doing very soon...sshhh, don't tell the authorities). Things are moving, that is for sure. It is already June 19th and just a moment ago I was flipping my calendar from May to June. Time does move fast when you are occupied or having fun. And sometimes, it goes by far too fast! But ever since I have begun focusing on the present, I have been very content and happy. I have come to terms with the fact that all of the exciting opportunities (as far as film, television, stage and acting work goes) will not be presented to me until the fall...but I have all of this time beforehand to enjoy my summer and friends and work. I cannot think about tomorrow or the next week or next month because they will come to me eventually...and I would have been worrying too much about the future that I missed out on all of the joy and beauty of the present. We do more in one day than we think we do...we call it being bored...but we are really actively participating in life...regardless of how "exciting" the activities in our lives are.

I must admit, I was a bit freaked out about housing for the fall...but now I am so happy. Housing is not guaranteed for transfers at USC (yeah I know) and so I wanted to try to find a back up in case I was not granted university housing. There were several options that were presented to me, but by a stroke of fate I found my future housemates and house. YES AN ACTUAL HOUSE...in LOS ANGELES! One of the housemates messaged me on Facebook and had seen that I was looking for potential housing...and said he had to go back to Norway because of something with his green card and offered me a spot in his house! I took him up on his offer right away. And it is supposedly really nice and cheap for a house in Los Angeles...AND I will have my own room in case I need to break away from reality and take a nap in privacy. I would be paying almost double the price to share a room with two others in USC housing...I am so unbelievably stoked. My housemates seem incredibly cool and are also all theatre majors. It will definitely help me make an easier transition into the social world. I am a very outgoing individual, don't get me wrong, but when I am moving to a new location and am put in front of hundreds...thousands of strangers...I go into wallflower mode...and don't act the way I truly do all the rest of the time...it is just bad. This way I can befriend my housemates and have an easier transition into meeting fellow theatre majors, etc instead of being paralyzed in nerves and anxiety.

I have already met an abundant amount of theatre majors and USC students in general on Facebook...they have all been so gracious in offering me help, advice and invites to parties when I come to LA. Which will be sooner than I thought it would be initially. Technically the lease starts August 1st, but I am going to try to find some grace period of a week or so to wait to move out there. I am excited, but at the same time I do not want to cut my summer short by any means. But right now that is too far ahead in the future to think about. Orientation is less than two weeks away...oh my goodness. Right now I am going to take a little nap before work and just chill. Because it is the summer...and I can nap whenever I want (kind of).

Revelations.

A weekend up in the mountains can do wonders for the head. Windex for the worries...completely cleansing the body of stress. Euphoria. Every time I go up to the mountains or immerse myself in nature I am completely astonished at how easy going I become. Going up to the cabin has its effect on me...that is certain. It also has the ability to bring upon revelations--emotionally and mentally. While lounging on a rather large rock on "Lake Davis", also known as "Lake Sunshine", I had many mini epiphanies. All of them seem like common sense...but for just a moment I actually felt content with my findings.

1. I worry too much. I am the happiest when I am completely unaware of my flaws or imperfections, or embrace them.

2. There is a fine line between obsessing/worrying too much and wanting to stay on top of things/be motivated.

3. I need to find the excitement in the fear. The pleasure in the failure. I often am worried about things which should be exciting and not horrifying or bad for my mental/physical health.

4. These should be the best years of my life. I need to stop over-analyzing everything and have fun. Throw the inhibitions to the wind and take advantage of my youth. Find something that scares me everyday and act on it...whether it is on a large or small scale. Work towards being fearless...

There were many other points that I came across in my time up in the mountains this weekend. But above all the one that really is a life changing one and sounds so simple is:

5. Live in the present, the now. DO NOT think about tomorrow, or the next week...because you may not be alive for the next week...but you are alive now and that is beautiful.

Drive.

I'm in my room. It is almost midnight. The fan is swiftly blowing and Tracy Champan's "Fast Car" is playing in the background. I love that song. I love music in general. For the past two days I have been belting out "Hair" and songs from "Next to Normal". I usually sing when I am inspired, excited, jumpy or bored. I'm seeing "Rent" with a great friend of mine tomorrow night, I am very excited! "Rent" was a major influence on me and my love for musical theatre. I remember renting the cast album from the library when I was 13. SO weird to think that was seven years ago...really? So much has changed since then...but then again, a lot hasn't. I am still me. Still the Braden who loves singing show tunes and re-enacting scenes from movies. I am and have always been an actor and performer. I look back at baby albums and can see the lust for performing even at the innocent age of 2. There is a sparkle in my eye...a little bit of jazz hands. My parents remind me that they used to watch "Star Search" with me when I was a baby and I was enthralled. They tell me I danced to Oprah's theme song whenever the show came on. I have always been eccentric and a bit crazy. Not crazy, just lively. Which is why this semester was very hard for me because I began to see the liveliness die a little bit. The passion was still there, but was extinguished by certain things. Now I am better...I am working towards something. TRAINING...I am TRAINING again...with my art! I am so unbelievably excited to start again (anxious) but SO excited. As the lovely Alice Ripley said at her Tony's acceptance speech (something along the lines of), "In College I trained and worked to get a BFA...a Bachelor's of Fine Arts. This is an art...it takes time and training".

I am excited to get back to making something. Collaborating. Making a performance. Challenging myself. Pushing the boundaries in acting and singing and in life. I wrote in my journal a couple weeks ago...I want to work towards becoming fearless. Of course it is IMPOSSIBLE to be completely fearless but to be fearless once or twice in a day or perform an act you would not normally do. Acting is the best when you are fearless, no hold ups. It is the same in life. Relationships and friendships last longer when you aren't judging everything or being insecure all of the time. It is good to be fearless. It is something I am working on. Ever so surely I become a little more confident in my abilities and potential...every day. Yes it helps to hear people say positive things about your talent and future, but that is not what you should rely on. Thank God I am driven. Actors (douchey sometimes) like Matthew Morrison say that his advice to future actors is to stop doing it because it is too hard...that is because he is scared of someone showing him up. Yes a lot of actors will crumble under the pressure. But thank God I love doing this so much. To stop doing it would be like to stop living and breathing. Yes, I'm sure a lot of young performers say the same exact thing...but sometimes they are not actually merited with talent. No one is exactly positive of their capabilities, but all I know is that there are a lot of people supporting my choice because of what they see in me. I have a lot to share with the world.

The Tony's.

It is 1:22 AM on what is now a Tuesday morning. I have been inspired once again. Firstly, I had a nice lengthy conversation with my friend Erica over the phone. Not only was it nice to hear her voice and to hear she is doing well but we discussed life and the mysteries of it...like usual. Then when I came home I could not stop watching YouTube videos of The Tony's. Everytime I watch an award show like The Tony's I become instantly inspired again. I could not imagine doing anything else but playing fascinating characters and singing on stage or behind the camera. I love it...so very much. I am so excited to get back to work in the fall and continue to fine tune my talents. The downfall of watching The Tony's is the fact that I want to be doing that NOW. But everything takes time...and to be honest I don't think I am completely prepared. I am just going to let things play out...I know how driven I am and I know of the exciting opportunities that will be present in Los Angeles and etc. Time. Patience. The best lesson to be learned.

I have also been thinking a lot about leaving my family again in the fall. It saddens me and consumes a lot of my thoughts. I love them so very much...and while I know I have to leave Colorado to do the things I want to do at the level I want to do them...it still saddens me to know I will not be within walking distance. Yes, I know I can't change these things...and yes I can't think about morbid things...they will happen wherever I am. Life is cruel this way. We live with our family for so long, we love them, we hate them but really we just love them...and then...you are catapulted away from them. On your own. I like being independent but I also love the comfort my parents give me. The constant support, the hugs, the conversations. I have grown closer with them throughout this past semester. I love them so very much. And my family and pets in general. But I am living on the fact that they are so proud of me and what I am doing...they know I am actively pursuing my dreams and while it slightly terrifies them...they know that I am very diligent and persistent. The only thing I can ask for is that they will be there when I make it.

I have provided a couple of my favorite performances from the Tony's this year. I have become really addicted to "Hair" again...I would love to play anyone in that show. I have the soundtrack on shuffle and have been listening to it non-stop. And I have a man crush on Gavin Creel. And as far as "Billy Elliot" goes...I am jealous of those little boys...who gets to star on Broadway at that age? And where did you get those dance skills?

I Did It!

I did it....I am going to USC!

I would have written a blog earlier...but as you could imagine I was far too excited! If you have been following my blog for a while...you understand how much this means to me!

Roughly a day and a half ago I got a beautiful red and gold packet from the University of Southern California welcoming me to the Trojan family. And my face looked something along the lines of this:

Granted this shot is posed by hey...nothing could re-enact the sheer euphoria that was pouring over my entire being. I had a slight feeling that I was accepted because I was able to login to the deposit site two days prior...which only admitted students are allowed to do...but I wanted to keep it hush hush in case I was rejected in the end and only ended up making a fool of myself! But in the end I felt like anything but a fool!

USC is a damn good school...the next best thing to Ivy League...I only say this because I am still shocked at the fact that I was able to get into such an established and rigorous University. What made me even more ecstatic was the fact that I was admitted to the Theatre Program (BA Track...which is what I wanted anyway). I have already gotten a taste of what a BFA program is like and found out that I need to be well rounded so that I am a well rounded performer and individual. With the BA track I will still be apart of the prestigious School of Theatre, be able to audition for a majority of the season's shows but also be able to study abroad and take theatre classes and non theatre classes. However, most importantly I will have more time to audition and find agents! NETWORK! NETWORK! NETWORK! BA or BFA it does not matter anyway. It is the experience and the connections made that DOES.

I know that the next two and a half (maybe three-ish) years studying in Los Angeles will be rigorous, scary, exciting and life changing. And you know what...that is exactly what I wanted. Even now...only two days after my acceptance I am beginning to get nervous...I am beginning to shake a little...but I know deep down that this would not have happened if it was not meant to be. As Oprah once said, "We can't become what we need to be by remaining what we are." I am feeling this. Hopefully it will be good. Out of everything though, getting into USC has shown me that I have the ability to stand out of 10,000 fellow applicants, which means I definitely have the ability to make it in the industry I want to be in so badly. Even though I always knew I could do it and know that I will be successful one day...sometimes it takes something like this to let the ones around you realize that you really CAN do anything you put your mind to.

I thought my parents would be "happy" for me...but never encourage me to attend the school itself. But boy have I been suprised. My mom always wanted me to go to an Ivy League school...and I told her it would be pointless to do such a thing in theatre...but this is the second best thing...they are completely supporting me with their hugs and love taps and kind words. I hugged my mom for a minute and a half today...just relieved and happy...I showed her that I'm back...and in action. I love my family so very much. My Auntie Gail was here last weekend for my brother's high school grad BBQ and I had told her I was applying to USC...she happened to come visit our house the day I got in...it was so cool to share that with more than my immediate family! While my financial aid package won't be here for a week or so...I am going to put down a deposit and hopefully I will be graced with a scholarship of some kind or at least student loans or work study (crossing my fingers for all of the above).

Either way...I am going to make it work! I can't wait to wear the USC sweatshirt..attend football games, audition for student films and just act...perform...in f-ing LOS ANGELES! I am studying while jump starting my acting career...what could be better?! I'm scared shitless but as all things seem to go...it will eventually come together!

I celebrated with a slumber party last night. Swung by work and got my paycheck...it was smaller than I thought it would be. :*( I hope they are going to get bigger and not smaller because I am not going to have ANY money for the fall! Then afterwards to raise my spirits Kaitlin and I sampled tea next door at the amazingly cool tea shop...bought some FRESH from the source tea leaves and got dinner. Then we went to the Lyric and journaled for a bit...then got into an odd funk because we were discussing insecurities and bad times in our lives and fear for our salaries and such...but we soon fixed it with some of that delicious jasmine tea and a list of happy things! So now I am in an odd mood...somewhere between content and anxious...but slowly easing into the content side. I told Kaitlin...we have to live in the NOW...we have to be able to enjoy the present moment...and not think so far in the future! Kaitlin told me American Idol season 9 is auditioning in Denver in July and it made me think and get anxious for some reason...while I want to audition so badly I am not ready yet...I want to be dynamite before I do that...I did not think it would be so soon before auditions came around...but I will just have to judge how I am feeling around then...I don't want anything to screw up my fall plans...and something like American Idol is so iffy anyway...you never know whats going to happen. I don't think I could handle the process right now and still don't feel confident that my singing abilities are the best that they could be...they aren't right now...I am getting better every day...maybe next season. What do you guys think...

So for now my babies I am going to try to refresh my mind of the recent success I have made and live life to the fullest...embracing my family and friends and working towards my fall in Los Angeles! I am going to visit the campus SOON...either way, although L.A. isn't the prettiest of cities I am going there for the opportunities not the geography...it is the hub of the film industry and close to the ocean and Disneyland...that is all I care about.

Rainy Memorial Day.

I open the shop tomorrow so this bloggy is going to be a short one. I just returned from a rousing evening with the Eulbergs. Not only did we have a delicious dinner but we also played an appetizing card game for several hours...it was quite fun. Man do those people get into their cards! I love it...I think I am going to indoctrinate my own family in the way of serious card playing. There could have been nothing better to do this evening since it was pretty pathetic outside...meaning drowsy and rainy. Come on summer...I know you are out there...show yourself!

I have been working A LOT...which is tiring sometimes but an excellent way to make money. And with the hours I am working I will definitely have a fairly good chunk of money for the fall (if I save most of it...which I am planning on). Thank God I make tips...I live day to day on my tips. Speaking of fall...this week (hopefully) I will find out my final admissions status from University of Southern California (i.e whether I am accepted or rejected. Hopefully it is the first one). Give me your good vibes this week bloggers or bloggy readers! I will definitely need it. Yesterday at Evan's graduation barbecue I was amongst many relatives and all of them asked me what my plans are for the fall. I told them of my California schools and they wished me the best of luck. I played it off coolly but inside I was shaking...I am still shaking in my boots...right now these schools are my way out Colorado...well let me re-phrase...the only way my parents would support my move to California.

When it comes down to it...I know for a fact that I belong at either USC or Chapman. I have had a sturdy academic background (with the exception of 2 D's in high school), an expansive amount of activities, dedication, passion and professionalism with both school itself and acting. I didn't go to school this semester so I could work...and I have been working a lot...I feel like I am a damn good candidate...but I probably shouldn't be saying such things in case I get a small white envelope this week instead of a nice juicy red "Welcome" package. A very, very, very small part of me doesn't even want to see the rejection letter. I don't want to see another physical reminder of how I wasn't good enough for somewhere or someone. I would like to build up my confidence...not completely shatter. Everyone asked me what my plans were if I were rejected from both schools...and honestly the only thing I can think of now is moving out to L.A. and working...taking acting classes and auditioning...and perhaps re-applying to USC and surrounding schools like UCLA. Preferably I would like to see a positive letter/package this week since I have been waiting for six months...not to mention everyone in my life basically knows how much I want to go to USC and or Chapman...just to be in L.A. and work...and not receiving admission would be a huge let down for myself but also for others...although perhaps a huge financial relief for my parents. Also a huge relief for you bloggy readers...I myself am fed up with my constant doting on admissions statuses and such...but you have to put your place in my shoes...this is such a nerve wrecking process! I don't remember being this nervous during my senior year of high school! It probably doesn't help that I continue to read and comment on the USC admissions message board every time I log onto my computer.

It is a hard thing not knowing where the hell you are going to be in the fall. I know where I want to be...and I want to be there so badly...I just hope that my life and destiny agrees with what I want so very badly. Well I would expand on this bloggy but going to get some shut eye so I am not a complete zombie tomorrow at work. Night!

Graduation.

As I sat in the Moby Gym today...amongst hundreds upon hundreds of families, friends and students...I was instantly transported to two years ago. The blue cap and gowns...the honor chords, sashes...everything. Singing "Seasons of Love" from Rent and "The River" by Garth Brooks. Squeezing a friend's hand so I wouldn't tear up during "Seasons of Love". Sitting next to 600 plus students who looked just as funny as me in their cap and gowns. Being partitioned off from the other 500 or something students because I was in I.B. Seeing the teachers and Mrs. Lundt in their rather Harry Potter esque robes and sashes. It was magical. And today...everything came full circle. Besides the fact that Rocky Mountain High School's graduation took almost triple the time it took for Poudre's...I still basked in the familiar surroundings. As soon as the band cued up for "Pomp and Circumstance" I wanted to be walking with them. Graduation and the times that followed before and after were some of the best times in my entire life. I felt vital. I felt intense and talented. I felt so focused and so intelligent. I felt proud of my success...of my family and of my friends. I felt loved. And as I sat in the audience this time around...I finally felt the time gap. Two years. My goodness it has been two whole years since I graduated high school...I have to get into the rhythm of things again..I can't wait any longer to pursue my dreams or what I want in life. Life is too short.

Sitting down in the Moby Gym confirmed my desire to receive a collegiate degree. Yes in theatre since that is my career and passion. But perhaps minor in something like English...or something accessible...that expands my wittle mind. In two (ish) years...if everything goes as planned...I will once again be marching proudly to "Pomp and Circumstance" with a degree in theatre in my hand. I'm so anxious to get back to school...I forgot how much I missed it. I had a rather pleasant high school experience and from what I experienced in my first year and a half in college I also enjoyed college. I guess my anxiety to get into the real world and just make movies and be on stage got in the way of what is truly important...training. Training, training and education. This is a gift to the actor. Actor Charles Nelson Reilly once said, "In my day we did something that is now unheard of in the acting world...we studied the craft". I don't want to be a stupid actor.

Anyhoo...before I get into a day long rant...my USC online status just changed yesterday (5/23) to "your application is being reviewed by the admissions committee...." which is the last status update before a decision is sent out via mail. So next week I will find out my fate...if I am meant to be a Trojan or no...I hope it's the first one. I am super nervous.

See that's my nervous face. That's also my...I'm lying on my bed and there is a giant ass spider crawling on my ceiling face.

I won't find out from Chapman for another three weeks....which I was never expecting. Either way right now is an interesting time for me. Between leading shifts as a shift manager at Ben and Jerry's and seeing family and friends and worrying about the fall and college...life is fine. Just fine. Speaking of family...I always love it when my family comes to town or vice versa. My Slovak side of the family are so adorable...the other side too but I was brought up amongst the Slovak side more...I love them so very much. Everything about them.

Tonight I was driving with a friend in the car when one of her tire's popped...thanks to a half broken beer bottle...probably from a graduation party...but regardless...after fiddling in the dark for an hour my Dad saved the day and fixed the tire situation in fifteen minutes. What a hoss. But yes. This is life right now. Graduation weekend, work, schools, life...friends and family...oh and summer. I forgot how much I love summer. Besides the rainy day today...I love the feel and warmth I get from a beautiful summer's day. I have a lot of different things planned for the next three months...I am sure I will add more every day. But for now...bed is sounding really good...goodnight world, see you in the morning.

Just Fine.

So...this is going to be a quickie. No...not that kind of quickie...this is a relatively CLEAN blog. But anyhoo babies...life is fine. Just fine. Yes...still fine...not bad in any means...but not AS good as it could be...but that doesn't mean that its not good or great. I think summer brings a lot of great emotions honestly. The weather (with the exception of today's cloudy day) just oozes warmth and happiness. Nothing like lying down on a field of grass or hammock as the sun dozes off behind Old Town Square. Staying up late with friends...sharing stories and laughter...sleep overs. All of it. Work...everything...it is simply grand. And yes, I didn't have to deal with a semester of college this past semester...but I dealt with life, which can sometimes be harder. Sometimes the hardest thing is free time...pondering things can sometimes be a dangerous thing. The tool to one's demise even. The key is stopping...taking a deep breath and opening your eyes. No matter where you are there is beauty everywhere. Whether it was in front of Lake Michigan at twilight on a run or in the middle of Old Town Fort Collins laughing with ice cream in hand...beauty is to be seen...everywhere.

We live in a thriving world. Even though it does not seem like it sometimes...this world is home to life. LIFE...always growing, always changing and always challenging LIFE. Anyone who is bored has not resorted to all of their options. Do something scandalous...go skinny dipping...run through city park screaming something obscene. In this world we do seem to rely on the company of our friends or family or others in general...but the thing is...we answer to ourselves at the end of the day. We are the masters of our destiny (I am aware I have used this phrase many times before...but its so true). If we don't like something we have the ability to change course. If we realized we made a mistake we have the ability to go back...and in sometimes we aren't able to right then and there...but eventually our paths lead us back. Just because I don't see my Chicago friends every day doesn't mean that I don't love them any less (and hopefully vice versa). Friendships are friendships and any decent friend will maintain the bond. In retrospect...I am aware of how grumpy and annoying I was whenever I spoke with my friends...especially the one's I cared for. I'm embarrassed of my behavior but that was the past...this is the present and presently I am an individual who has grown immensely from his mistakes and mishaps. We would not grow any other way...would we? Yes I am not able to go back to Roosevelt...but I'm not barred from visiting the school or the city...or my friends. Yes I am still in the dark with my California schools...but whatever happens will happen for a reason.

Realizing this is the hardest part. That life moves on. That decisions are made...sometimes we can't do anything about them...but we have to move on. We can't stay paralyzed on a square...this is not a board game. You can't be weak or you will crumble. There are so many people in this planet...so many things to do...just because a friend doesn't respond via text or Facebook DOES NOT mean they don't care. I was thoroughly relieved when I recently spoke with my friend Karissa. People can be ridiculous when they obsess about things. I am such a person. I always obsessed about the things that weren't in my control. I always expected every single one of my friends to pay heed to my wants and needs. To be there for me. They were...they just weren't able to talk on the phone or couldn't text me right then and there. While there was a slight change in the way I spoke with Karissa...simply because of time...we were still the same people when it came down to it. The people that are important to you will stick with you throughout your entire life and I thoroughly believe this of many of my Chicago friends. School is school...but it is four years. 2.5 years from now I am sure we will all meet up and perhaps even live in the same city. AND SCHOOL WILL NOT SEGREGATE US! Besides, I am surrounded with great friends here in Colorado as well. And hopefully, come fall, I will be met with new faces and new potential friends.

Life is so unpredictable...but it is this very fact that makes it so orgasmic. Life is never constant...and when it is...that is when it gets boring. And like I said...I try not to do boring. So to answer the question of how I am...yes...I am just fine.

Guess this entry was not as quick as I thought it would be...I have yet to journal today so all of my thoughts were just oozing out of my pores I suppose. Goodnight world...see you in the morning.

Goodnight Moon.

I had a very long day. I worked from 10-5 then had dinner with my friend Tegan and then explored with Kaitlin. The exhaustion finally caught up with me. I was promoted as a shift manager or leader at Ben and Jerry's so I was training today. At dinner Tegan asked me amidst a very sunny, warm and beautiful Colorado day, "How are you?" And for the first time in long time I responded, "You know what...I'm just fine". JUST FINE. Never thought I would hear those words coming out of my mouth any time soon. Granted, it is too soon to judge what is going to happen come fall or if I will even get into my California schools...but one thing is sure...things are rolling. I'm making money and I am doing something with my time. I am being productive. It feels good. I just received my second pay check from Hollister (four months later)..a grand total of $26.90 (for roughly 20 hours of work)...what schmucks. I make much more than that in half a shift at Ben and Jerry's...AND have fun while working...imagine that! Hollister is pathetic. Which is why i quit when I did.

I have begun journal-ing again, which is probably why I haven't had anything to write about on this blog...but I like blogging...my friend Kaitlin reminded me that I hadn't blogged in a while...so I figured I would write an entry. Speaking of Kaitlin...we adventured to Boulder tonight. To my surprise and unlike the city of Fort Collins, there are still some businesses that are open at 10:30 pm on a Monday night. In fact, one of them was a very cool Bookshop connected to a very sweet smelling coffee shop. At this coffee shop we indulged in some sensual poetry and dream interpretations. Then walked about Pearl Street watching cracked out homeless men sing about their "calcium deficiencies"...we walked in the other direction. I determined that people don't really care about staring down other people...everyone is in their own little world in Boulder. I like that. Very much.

Kaitlin and I talked about everything as we sat amongst the starry and warm summer like night in Boulder, Colorado. We talked about the future, our plans and our wants. I'm trying not to panic about the fall. I'm trying to maintain my composure...but I am not quite sure I am doing a good enough job. I think everyone knows that I will shit my pants if I don't get into USC or Chapman. I don't necessarily expect to get into USC...but hopefully Chapman at the least. It is not like I am not an intellectual performer. Just cause I got 2 D's in high school does NOT mean I am not adequate enough to attend their "elite school". I'm an actor for God's sakes. I am willing to give your institution money...large amounts of it (with loans)...and I have so much to give...why would you not want me? Oh look at me now...sounding all desperate...well let's face it. I am. I don't envision myself roaming the campus of Colorado University anytime soon. I really don't. All things happen for a reason, and I just pray and pray and pray and pray that I belong in California...cause then I have to wait another semester until I find a school I truly like and am accepted into. So here's to hoping for the best. If you read my blog and know who I am...or don't know who I am...maybe you are one of those creepies who ready my blog but never post comments...what have you...please send out your good vibes in my direction...I would appreciate it.

In other news, I was thinking of going back to Roosevelt and CCPA...but like everything is supposed to happen for a reason...it is not going to work out, and I think this is a good thing. I truly do. While it does bother me to see pictures of my friends posted all over Facebook having fun without me and what have you...life goes on. They will be at that school for two more years and then they will be out in the real world. Not going to the same school as them anymore does not mean that I don't get the opportunity to be their friend still. That is far from the truth. I was worried of late that my absence effected the way my good friends saw me or thought of me. And I am sure it has slightly...but I have faith that we will stay in touch. I know we will. I was so happy to finally hear from one of my good friends that was too busy to talk for so long...I had no idea how many exciting things were happening to her...but it was just good to talk and catch up in a brief half hour before both of us had to return to our jobs or errands. I miss her and all of my friends from the conservatory so very much...but I am on a mission and on an adventure. People are rooting for me and want to see me succeed and be happy...both as an actor and an individual. I can't make my decisions because of my friends...I need to be strong...people and professors respect me for this journey I am embarking on.

Lastly...Colorado is warming up...we had a heat wave today...and it is supposed to get hotter tomorrow...personally I am kind of feeling some skinny dipping at some remote lake tomorrow. It is so freeing...skinny dipping...private lakes too I suppose. Well I'm going to go journal now and fall asleep to some sweet music I just downloaded. Goodnight moon. Goodnight world.

Butterflies.

My head is pounding. That is the first thing I notice as I begin to write my blog. My stomach aches...but in the "I'm scared to go on that roller coaster" way. I have recently returned from a lovely day in Denver with the Momma and family...it is mother's day. I love my Momma. We went to the Denver Art Museum...which we all thoroughly enjoyed...and then had a great mother's day dinner at, "Gumbos"...a delightfully delicious Cajun restaurant in the heart of Denver. What a great meal it was...I am still stuffed. But yet I feel the butterflies. That infamous retching feeling you get in your stomach when you are about to go on a stage. It is happening again.

Behind all of this is an immense wad of confusion. Perhaps I will be less nervous when I actually know what is going to happen come fall. But as a friend said, "revel in the unknown". I can partially enjoy this statement. The unknown, while frightening, always contains an element of excitement. But as I said to myself the other day...amidst a solo dance party..."I am the master of my destiny!" It's true you know. That is the beauty of life. You have the ability to change the future...you have the ability to weasel out of a sticky situation. This being said, no matter how much you change your course, your destiny is hovering over you. And hopefully, just hopefully you will be lead down the right path to your destiny...even if you have to go back to your original destination or change your course and head in the opposite direction.

Currently I am amidst a giant map of my life. I see all of the places I have lived...Vermont, Louisiana, Idaho, Colorado, Chicago...and I see all of the places I want to be...and somewhere amongst this map is a thin line called "my future". I can't really see where it is heading. That is the point about the future. You can only know so much about what is to come. That is why it is called life. That is why we go through painful things...things we don't expect...because it is all apart of life. As I write I can think of three options for the fall...even though I have yet to receive notification from my California schools.

That aside, I see a comfort zone...a location that is not too far away from my house, my family and my roots. It would be easier...but opportunities would be sparse for several years. Then I see another location...one that only exists in my dreams. One that could potentially have really great connections and opportunities...but is over populated and risky. Then the third possible location is one I thought I would never re-trace over. I know I left it for some reason...but it is calling me ever so quietly. Whispering in my ear. Regardless of what path I decide to take...it will be complicated. It will be hard and it will be a challenge I have to surpass. But I chose this the minute I decided to left. The minute I said to myself...I need time off. I need a break. I did that to myself. I knew I would be making things complicated. And yes...I could just walk off to Los Angeles and by some slight possibility land something big...but I don't want to take my chances just yet without a degree. I told myself and my family a long time ago that I would get a degree. I owe it to myself.

Maybe it all comes down to the fact that I need to realize you can't always be happy. There is always going to be a downfall. But you need to find happiness wherever you may be. "Happiness is a journey not a destination". And "The great opportunity is where you are. Every place is under the stars. Every place is the center of the universe." Right? I just need to look at this with the glass have full. I realize it is kind of hard to see through this when most of my friends are now juniors in college and I am still a second semester sophomore. Blurg. But you can't change the past. You just can't. Maybe I'm afraid to leave my family again...in case something happens. There are so many things I am afraid of. But I can only pray and hope that God will keep a watchful eye on me, the people and the organisms in my life.

Another thing to be learned...the grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side. I thought a semester off would be glorious. I learned from that. It has been great...and not so great...it has been an experience. Life is an experience. Whether it is good or bad...it is an experience. I just need to be sure that I don't go back to a situation I tried to previously escape without fully evaluating the side effects of such a decision.

All that I can do is wake up each day...thank the Lord I am alive and do something with the gifts and body that I have been given. Make a change. Even if it just in one person. A smile. A friendly gesture...extra sprinkles on an ice cream cone at work...anything. I am an instrument. I'm not going to go to waste...I'm going to thrive. Not just survive...thrive.

Wow...that was long.

Happy Mama's Day...I'm going to go give my Momma a hug right now. Peace.

My Current State...

Perhaps the plans have changed...

Why Should I Worry?!

So you know how sometimes you make decisions for yourself. You think you are 100% positively correct. You know the answers...you know where you are going. Well I can't say that I am sticking with my gut. I can't say that I made the right decision. I am sure when I think back to what made me decide what I decided to do it seems like it was the appropriate choice. But now...month after month I am beginning to see the aftermath of my decision. Yes I understand my life is not bad...but it is not particularly good either. Perhaps the hardest part about not being in Chicago anymore is the city, the people and the training. When I think long and hard about Roosevelt...it definately had its ups...but it also had its downs. I guess the only reason I am beginning to mourn my past there is because I can't see my friends there as often as I did. I haven't seen them for five months in fact. That is a long time. And up until now I have been surviving off the fact that I care for them deeply and that they care for me as well. It is just difficult because conservatory life is stressful. Emotionally and physically and even mentally. SO friendships can usually maintain strong if you are physically present. The first four months were successful in my talks with my friends...even if it was a thirty minute skype date...it meant the world to me. But now with the year coming to an end...and facebook pictures being posted I am beginning to reminisce about the great friends I had at Roosevelt and how much it kills me that I can't be there with them.

I have wonderful friends here in Colorado...don't get me wrong. But something about not seeing myself in those pictures with some of my greatest friends really gets me down. So then I begin to freak out and think...did I make a mistake? What the hell am I doing?! Stupid Braden. Stupid. I should have gone in debt and stayed the rest of the semester...get more of the training that I so craved and desired. But then I take a double take and think...no...I can't do it. I know this is happening for a reason right now. I just wish that I felt that the connection with my friends was as strong as it was. I always find it sad when really strong friendships begin to get washed over because of time away from one another. I know that they love me as much as I love them...and I know they are busy. I'm just being stupid...like usual...and worrying too much. But hey you don't worry about the people you don't care for. I care about them so very much. So when I leave a couple messages and don't ever receive a response it kind of hurts. But there are only so many times you can bring this up to your friend before they start getting defensive and annoyed.

I have learned a lot about myself during this time. And sadly my friends in Chicago only seem to hear the negative. But I assure the world...my family and even myself...all things happen for a reason. This is going to lead me to something. To somewhere. I have a passion, I have a drive and I have a dream...time will only tell where I am needed...where I should be. Shoot...maybe I need to go back to Chicago. I don't know. All I can say is that I am feeling rather blurg like right now. But hey...tomorrow is a new day. I work..I'm making money so that I can do something come fall and I am alive...I have to remind myself this constantly. Then I will be okay. But you know what...stress and worry is my enemy. They do not do anything to help me! They don't give me a helping hand...they don't make life easier. I have to rely on what I know and on my faith...for a better future.

Get This Ball Rolling...

I guess someone must have heard me screaming in my car last night...cause today was incredible. Last night I was driving home, blasting "World Cafe" on NPR when fear and rage overtook me and just screamed to the top of my lungs, "I AM DONE LIVING LIKE THIS!!!" This was conjured up from my frustrations and conversation with a friend. I was venting about my fears for the future...how no one wants to hire me, how I am stuck...and then today I got a call that took care of this negativity. Lee, my old manager from Ben and Jerry's asked if I could come in to chat for a bit. I had emailed him...practically begging for a job if there was a position open and he could use me as an acception to his "no re-hires" rule. Long story short...this girl filled a position just this week. So my hopes crashed. It is not like my dream is to work at an ice cream store...however right now I need some validation that I am capable of any kind of success...plus I need to start saving for the fall...whether or not I go back to school or decided to move to Los Angeles. Anyhoo...stuff went down at the shop and he called me in today...and just like that I replaced this girl and start work again on Thursday. What is even better...I already have 5 shifts scheduled! I know you probably don't care...if people even read this blog...which I am always surprised at anyway. But the point is...NOW I CAN GET THE BALL ROLLING! No more of this lounging about feeling sorry for myself. Relying on the internet and such to do things for me. Nope...I'm going to get that money...work...and hopefully take a big plunge come fall. Operation L.A. is in commencement. I just could not be happier that I found a job...took long enough. Practically 5 months. WTF!

Happy Birthday Bill!

Today (Thursday the 23rd) is William Shakespeare's birthday. THE Bard. THE William Shakespeare. The guy who wrote all of those magnificent and not so magnificent plays. As an actor I am obliged to celebrate his birthday. And celebrate I shall. I will begin the day with an early morning run through the prairies. Those runs...more like speed-walks (because of my bad knee) are so therapeutic for me. My mother always asks if she can come along and I don't want to seem rude but exercise is something I do by myself. It is more than exercise though. It is a time for me and the earth...to just be. To think...to ponder my life. To ponder where I am going. I just blast my iPod and pray sometimes. Sometimes even out loud. My runs are now becoming a daily occurrence..usually three plus miles long. It gets me out into the fresh air and is the perfect way to begin the day. Then this evening, if all goes as planned, I will be watching "This American Life" in theaters with my good friend, Ruth. I don't know if you all listen to the show on the radio...but it makes me cry almost every time I listen to it. It is inspirational and motivational...and based in Chicago. So I can only imagine what it will be like on the big screen! I am sure we will be amongst many peace loving people, teachers and sex starved housewives. At least I can only hope so. We could be the only people in the damn theatre. Either way, I am kind of in the mood for some thinking and heartfelt stories. Bring it on!

There are a lot of things I have to take care of for the summer and fall. Waiting for school is annoying but I won't have to worry about deciding until I find out what schools accept me. Jobs however are consuming my nerves. If I don't get a summer job I will not only be broke but I will be a broken man. I will not be able to do what I want to do in the fall if I don't get a job. I am super close to two jobs. However, one place is not calling me back and the other still isn't sure if they are going to hire an additional individual for summer employment. Until I secure a summer job I will be restless. I am tired of my parents looking at me like I am some loser. I am tired of feeling like a loser. I am ready to get this ball rolling. I am so ready. On the other hand I have realized how much I complain about being home (which to an extent is accurately frustrating me). However I have realized what a comfort it is to know that I go to sleep with my brothers and mother and father. I know where they are. If something happens I am here. And for that I am grateful. Well I don't know where this blog drifted to but HAPPY BIRTHDAY BILL! Hope your birthday is bamfalicious and better than Sasha/Malia's combined....and Sasha Fierces'!

Revelation 2.

It seems to me that my logic shifts roughly every two weeks. One week I'm incredibly happy and the next I want to pack up my life and move to Australia. Such is the mind of a 20 year old. Everything seems so uneasy. Bipolar is not a condition...it is a part of life. It's funny though because my eyes were opened the other day. A complete revelation (kind of). By helping a friend in a semi-not really-but kind of close- situation as myself...I was able to not only give her advice, but also get the advice I needed from an unexpected source: myself.

I guess my biggest thing is finding confidence in myself. Realizing that I am a force to be reckoned with...but also a good guy...a good friend...good son, etc. I pride myself in being multi-dimensional and caring. Even with directors, friends, professors, etc telling me how "talented I am" or how much potential I have...or what not, I always seem to be overcome with a sense of doubt. Doubt in my abilities as an actor or even just in my abilities to be a good friend or family member. But then I realize that doubt can be a good thing. When it gets to the point that it clouds my inhibitions and artistic freedom...then it needs to end. But doubt is good because it is a reality check. It tests me. Forces to be stronger. Forces me to be more competitive and in the end a better performer and individual.

I am slowly but surely realizing that happiness is a journey not a destination. I know that what I truly want more than anything is to work successfully in film, television and stage. Shoot...I wouldn't even mind a chance at modeling just for fun. But these things are not going to happen overnight. I have to continue what I am doing. Life life day in and day out...try my damn hardest...put myself out there...train and continue to nourish my craft and then hopefully I will recieve something in return. Time. Time heals. Time makes and breaks things. In this circumstance I have a feeling time will be my best friend. I do need time. Time to develop as an actor. Time to develop physically...grow into the man I know I want to become. Right now I am in between. The mind of a man...the body of a boy.

I think today helped me tremendously with my current state of mind. Not only was it a spectacular summery spring day...but I was out...living. A couple friends and myself went up to the mountains and bathed in the sun as we hiked, ate Triskets and even layed out on giant boulders that were humbly placed in the river. I event tried crossing the river but ended at the bottom of it. Which... resulted in a half baked phone (no 4/20 pun intended). Speaking of 4/20...I think going to the mountains was the best remedy. I don't care if people smoke pot...however, I care when the city of Fort Collins shuts down an entire street because "Cheba Hut" is having a 4/20 party. Luckily, there were limited douches up amongst the trees and rivers. To me hiking is the best excercise. It doesn't even feel like you are doing a cardio work out...but really you are. For me working out always helps when I visualize a clear ending point...a destination. Such is life. Which is most likely why I have had and continue to occassionally have problems discussing my current state or the future. Because there isn't an exact line or direct path to where I want to be. I see the ending (through my eyes)...now getting to that high point will be one mind fuck of a ride. But the overall point is that whenever I experience such a beautiful day as the one I witnessed today I can't help but think of how lucky I am to be living. Granted I have a light sun burn, feel a little dehydrated and literally fell face forward into a raging river...but I feel refreshed somehow...and not fully content...but a step closer than I was yesterday.

No I haven't heard back from any of the universities yet. And I may not even for another month...but you know what I'm not going to let that get into my way. Whatever happens...acceptance or rejection...I am alive. I am 20. How exciting is that? I have the future in front of me...literally. Unless I am in a tragic accident (God willing that will hopefully not happen) I have a life in front of me. And I'm no baby any more. Even my mother acknowledged this the other night. I am growing up and I need to take the reins once again. If I don't get into USC or Chapman...I'm going to move to Los Angeles in the fall and start working at restaurant and start auditioning. Find an agent...and find the connections. All of the good stuff. At least I would be in the hub of the entertainment industry...and at least I would have a larger pond and therefore larger possibility of obtaining a day time job while I find acting work. I am ready to take chances. To make dreams happen. I'm done driving in the back seat. This is MY LIFE. Shoot...I'm even going to continue working out each day so that one day, hopefully, one day I can even be proud of strutting myself on the beaches of California.

P.S. I had the priviledge of watching "Teeth" the other night. Rent it. Watch it with your girlfriend, your boyfriend, your grandpa...your grandma...shoot even your parents. It is beauteous.

Ice King.

I am curled up in an exquisitely furry and warm blanket. It is frigid and snowing outside. Again. In April. I made a pact to a friend and myself that I would look at everything in a positive light. Or at least try. Maybe it is the weather that is raining on my parade but I have been in a mighty foul mood lately. A big ice King. I hope things get better. I truly, truly do.

Antsy.

I'm lying on my bed. It is 12:17 am. Will and Grace is playing in the background. And somehow I'm not content. As I watch Will and Grace I am overcome with jealousy. To be on that show would be an honor. What an excellent example of comedy, drama and talent all rolled into one. I've begun to become antsy once again. Thank God summer is almost here. I am planning on going out to Los Angeles to see my friend Karissa and see if I even like the place before I make any drastic moves. I want to get a feel of the industry. I want to get the ball rolling NOW. I am praying on my knees that I either get accepted at Chapman or University of Southern California. That would make things easy. If not, I am terrifyied that I will flee to LA as a struggling actor. But even that very thought just excites me. I hope April and May roll by quickly.