You Win Some. You Lose Some.

Let me speak frankly for the next several minutes. After viewing Peter Jackson's The Lovely Bones, I am at a loss of complete coherence...so forgive the rambling. The movie wasn't the most amazing but it brought up a lot of deep thoughts on life and what happens after life. The movie inspired me to read the book which I just received as a Christmas present from one of my friends back in Colorado. Anyhoo...I am not blogging about The Lovely Bones...I am talking about life...which kind of has to deal with the film I suppose. Here is the thing: life is unexpected. You win some. You lose some. You may think you have it down...and then you get a wild card thrown at you. This much is true in my profession...even on the collegiate theatre level. You nail an audition...feel really good about it (and see that the director liked it too) but then you don't get a callback. Do you completely freak out? Or do you figure out what went wrong? Neither...because worrying about it on any level won't do you ANY good. It is a funny thing...empathy. Especially in the acting world...and in such a setting as a theatre school. You arrive at the callboard buzzing with nerves and anxiety for the outcome. What is going to happen? I'm going to walk up to that board and scan nervously. I either see my name and do jumping jacks in my head...or literally do jumping jacks. Or there is the alternative...I walk up to the board and scan nervously...and continue to scan...and continue to scan...take a moment to walk away...then return to the board nervously...hoping my eyes misread the first time. My name is not on the board. Deep breath. Don't let anyone know your ego has been bitch slapped just a little. Smile. Nod. Then say how happy you are for the others. Then walk away.

That would be the normal thing to do...that us actors all do too well.

But today when I arrived at the callboard at school I was surprised at how well I handled my fate. You see here is the thing: unlike a majority of the people who auditioned for EVERY SINGLE SHOW available, I only auditioned for two: Into the Woods and Grapes of Wrath. Unlike a majority of these people I have literally been in rehearsals since August between A Dream Play and Urinetown...which I am currently wrapping up here shortly. The point is: I have been working. Loving it...for most of the time and struggling through the stress. But at the end of the day I can say I have been very productive. Being that I found some sort of inspiration to blog this evening at nearly 2am this blog is a little long winded and unscripted to apologize for my frank thoughts. I wouldn't lie to you...whoever you are that finds this blog. This blog is for me mainly. Therapeutic. Mainly I like the sound and feeling of the key board clicking as I type freakishly fast. Anyhoo...tangent...where was I...auditions...right...the usual...the point is my auditions this week came amidst long hours in class and Urinetown rehearsals. And yet I performed two GREAT auditions for both shows. As an actor you always know when your performance was on in an audition and my performance WAS on in my musical audition and later on for the BFA show. It is a rare and amazing moment when a director says to you, "That was a treat. Thank you so much for that...seriously". Trust me...it is my pleasure to find a director calling my work "a treat". But long story short...I did not get called back for Into the Woods and have yet to find out about the BFA show. But here is my thought process...

When I took a double take at that big board filled with names and characters and room numbers and times...and saw that my name was not on the board...as I had grown so accustomed to. I didn't blame myself. I didn't blame the directors. I didn't blame peers or fellow actors. I instead accepted the fact that I was not exactly what the director was looking for and that I could still walk away from that board with my dignity in tact because I know I had an awesome audition. Sure it is kind of a bitch when friends/fellow cast mates of yours DID get called back and they feel all awkward when you congratulate them but they don't know what to say back since they can't be like, "Congrats to you too...". The funny thing is at that point...I am probably over it and the other person is just standing their like a woodland creature in the headlights. What I am trying to say is that I have faced rejection and critique practically all my life...and I have had too many tantrums and pity parties to go through it again. I am a professional. If I ever want to truly work in this industry like I have been I need to continue being positive and hopeful for my future. Of course I'm not going to say I wouldn't have like to have been on that list...I would have loved to be in Into the Woods or at least be called back and try to show them more of what I had to offer...but clearly they were going for a specific look (ahem...height more like it...) but there is still the delicious ambiguity of Grapes of Wrath (I seem to alternate between straights plays and musicals). Who knows...perhaps the director told the "Woods" director that she had a part in mind for me...or perhaps she didn't. I might not be in the show at all...but you know what. I wouldn't mind that. I would love to continue to work as an actor and learn in such an environment while I still can...but if its not in the cards...its not in the cards. You can't force things. Everything...and I mean everything happens for a reason. There are so many exciting things happening outside of USC's theatre community that I want to have a part of. I mean come on, I moved to Hollywood and Los Angeles for a reason. I want to begin looking for agents and working on internships and going out on auditions...being a REAL REAL REAL REAL actor. I am so thankful for the experiences I have had at USC thus far (as far as theatre, etc goes) because it has given me the opportunity to flourish again into the fun loving individual that I am and connect with new casts and families. The glass isn't even half full or empty--its bubbling over with possibility. 2010 is the year of positivity, adventures, growth and new experiences. I could be like a majority of the people who walk up to that board and shatter like a porcelain doll...but I am not going to let ONE college show get in the way of what I want to do. So here's to whatever happens with the shows this semester...cause God knows I will have my hands full no matter what! I'll drink to that!

Good Day L.A.

There are moments when I am so thankful for my existence. For where I am. For everyone who is in my life. I feel this as I sit upon my bed...it is almost 3am. I am in Los Angeles, California... in my very own house, in my very own room. I have just completed my first week at USC. I have auditioned for three productions, received multiple callbacks and have also managed to party and meet some magnificent people! Amidst a beautiful California evening I found myself on the corner of West Hollywood street slowly feasting upon delicious frozen yogurt and talking with an excellent friend I am so happy to have met...Tory. My roomies and I made a delicious meal for ourselves and Tory and then we played Scategories. It was a very chill and very solemn evening...but one filled with laughter and contentment. Why do I feel like that is not a word...who cares, its 3am. I should be sleeping...I just can't get over how good the new Ingrid Michaelson album is. I don't want to stop listening.

On a side note...I must say...California knows how to party. I have had my fair share of enjoyment at the parties I have gone to. And its when I find myself talking to one of the twins from Desperate Housewifes (who is very nice and was in the BFA program at USC before he booked the show) at a party that I remember I am in L.A. If I had not been exhausted from last night's party...I would have attended another one tonight. We all think we made a wise choice of staying in.

Cast list is posted Monday...I believe. It is a rather strange play but any exposure to the acting/theatre community is excellent. To be honest I was surprised I got called back considering I am new to the program! This entry could go on for forever but alas I need to go to bed sometime.

The point is...its moments when I am completely content that I feel warm inside. Every little sensation becomes heightened. The warmth of the sun's rays on my forearm. The excitement of meeting someone and actually becoming friends with them. Taking pictures...learning the little nuances of someone new...it is all so tantalizing. And it is the FIRST week. I can only imagine what adventures my time here will bring! I can only go up from here!

Topsy-Turvy.

My mind is a jumble of discarded memories. Fragments of the past and estimated guesses at the future. What I know is what I feel. And I feel jittery. That pre-first kiss jitter. Your hands are shaking, your mind is running wild and you can't help but throw up a little in your mouth. You know you will probably enjoy it...but there is that slight chance that they might miss your mouth or you might bump into their chin...you might screw up. But you got there for a reason. You are sitting with that person because of a certain chain of events that have lead up to that very point.

Often I wonder how the hell I got to this point. Where I am right now. Two years ago I was in a similar situation. A bright and fresh high school graduate excited but nervous as hell to journey to Chicago to become an actor...to train in a Theatre Conservatory. Yet I pulled through. I made bunches of friends, learned so many valuable lessons and became a better actor and person because of it. Then cut to Christmas evening mid-sophomore year, where a huge decision was made. It was then that I told my parents that perhaps going back to Roosevelt wasn't the best idea. I try to pin-point the origins of my negative feelings towards CCPA and I can't really decide when it began. I was never UNHAPPY there. I had AMAZING friends and was testing my abilities as an actor, performer and individual. Some of my favorite memories came from my year and a half in Chicago. I saw Oprah, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. I saw all of the Olympians AND Oprah for a second time. I laughed, I cried and I grew up. So why is it that I STILL feel guilty about leaving everyone and my past behind.

I am reading "The Power of Now" and Eckhart Tolle continues to state that looking in the past will not help you find happiness. It will only hurt you. I think we learn from our past but like Mr. Tolle says, I also think that it is important to live in the present...for the present is what matters. Tomorrow is not guaranteed...and no point in wallowing in past mistakes or errors. But as I continue to live day to day I can't help but notice things seem to be muted. Sounds are not the same. Colors are not as vibrant and emotions are hard to tap into. When I think of this past Christmas when I made one of the most important decisions of my life, I think of how fast everything went. Within a week I went from living an independent life in Chicago to living with my family again. Not that I haven't enjoyed their company because that is anything but the truth. I have loved living back at home with the family (even though we have had our moments). One problem however, is that I have become semi-shy again. This makes me nervous because I have not been shy since I can remember.

When I initially came home from school I was bubbling with excitement for the future. Several of my Chicago friends envied me because I was leaving to "go onto bigger and better things" with my life. To take some "time off" from school and to see the REAL WORLD...not this bubble we called the acting conservatory. Living at home was fine for the first couple of months. Besides the needle in the hay sack search for a job I was enjoying rekindling old friendships and being in the comfort of my own home once again. But something was missing...I wasn't engaging in the love of my life...the drug that makes me shiver with complete euphoria...ACTING...PERFORMING...SINGING. I had a daily routine...wake up go to work, see friends, see family, stay up late then repeat. Then work some more. Work, work, work. Scooping ice cream at Ben and Jerry's is hardly artistic. In fact it isn't at all. I was not getting my high that I have lived off of for years...since I was a child. I crave it again. But NOW I feel as if I am rusty.

By a series of interesting and random events I applied to the University of Southern California and its internationally acclaimed theatre program. While I tried my hardest to get in and spent days on the application I did not want to set my hopes high. People...close friends and family included, told me to start thinking of back up plans because I "probably wouldn't get in to USC, and definitely would have issues with admissions into the theatre program". Low and behold...months later...I was accepted. I always had a slight ray of hope in me...it is what gets you through as an actor and as a person period. As Harvey Milk said, "You've got to give them HOPE". And now in mere weeks I am on my way to Los Angeles (epicenter of entertainment) to pursue my acting career as well as train at the USC's acclaimed Theatre Program. It seems now that people don't question me anymore. As my mother says to her friends, "If Braden wants something he will get it. It's that simple". I'm proud of that part of my personality. I am driven.

But the rusty part...because of this lapse in time from any form of acting or theatre or cinema I feel as though I am going to be a giant let down to the faculty and my peers, etc. I continue to invision auditions...stepping out onto the stage and just performing an EPIC FAIL. BOMBING. But I can't think like that. I also envision moving out there and being eaten by the parasites known as the millions of unknown actors, musicians and artists living in Los Angeles. But then I just have to tell myself. I got into the school for a reason. It is a sign. Not only is it a damn competitive University to get into but I ACTUALLY GOT ACCEPTED...not waitlisted or denied but ACCEPTED. I am worthy. That is all that matters. But being the sometimes melodramatic artist I am I always question the talent that people see in me. But you have to...it is what keeps you going, what makes your ego small and what forces you to keep on trying and change things up.

I have already met a bus load of USC students on Facebook (theatre and non theatre) and they have taken well to me thus far. I am living in a nice house with three fellow actors and I have (what people tell me to be...) a likeable personality. What have I got to lose. I have only dreamed and prayed for the day to come when I am jet setting to Los Angeles to pursue my acting career. I am actually pursuing it. Physically moving all of my things and myself to the other side of the country to make my dreams come true. People can't make fun of me for that. So many people are talkers...and I have been for the past semester, but now I am actually DOING IT...and that is exciting. And now as my very long and rambling blog entry comes to a close I am in a subdued yet pleasant mind set. People are cheering me on here and in Chicago. They know this is for the best and many exciting opportunities will come from this path I have decided to take. Beneath all of the absurd anxiety is excitement and absolute euphoria for the future. My only hope is that it all falls into place and I begin to see the vibrant colors I have missed for so long.

I know it will be hard but I also know that it will be fun. I will hopefully meet all of these people I have been talking to on Facebook and just fit right in. I have done this before. I am a TRANSFER...at least this isn't the first time for me. It is still fucking horrifying but I have a hand up on this game. Right now I am living on my drive and my family and friends. My old and very talented roommate and friend said to me, "Braden you will make it because you are hella talented". This is not the first time I have heard this...and that is enough to keep me going. I have nothing to prove... I just have a lot to show.

Hollywoo...My New Home.

I have been severely tired lately. Passing out in the middle of the day...napping during really intense movies, bumming around at work...all unusual for me. But I guess a lot has been happening. But this explains why I have yet to post a blog.

Things have been exciting.

I flew out to California Tuesday night and stayed there until Thursday...with my Dad. I went to go see the campus, go to USC orientation, sign the lease papers for my new house, and just explore my new home I will be calling Los Angeles, California. As you may have read I was basically shitting my pants in anxiety. However, as soon as I landed in California my nerves evaporated and instead, I felt content. Los Angeles gets a bad rap from people who either don't like it or have just heard rumors...but I was pleasantly surprised at how much I liked it. Granted I have yet to explore in depth this city but from what I saw...which was a lot in such a short time...I liked it. First of all, the weather was glorious. Sunny and warm...but not TOO warm because of the ocean breeze. The city itself is so huge that it is hard to judge whether or not you like it from just one section of the city. Like any city Los Angeles has its "Do NOT go near there" spots and it also has its "YOU HAVE TO CHECK THIS OUT" spots as well. But anyway...before I start writing an article for the Los Angeles Tourism offices I will get back on track. But the bottom line is...I am going to find an array of fun and experiences in L.A. that is for sure.

I met two of my roomies and one of their friends the same evening that I landed at a cool restaurant "Lab" near the USC campus. While I attempted to be my usual self I found myself acting nervous and awkward...but apparently I was neither to them. While it is naturally awkward meeting people in person for the first time, I could tell that with time I will get along with them swimmingly well.

Another thing I was terrified of was the possibility of me not liking the campus or the school itself. And yes...I suppose I took a risk by not visiting the school in the first place. However I was going to go to USC regardless if I got in for the opportunities and the location. The minute I stepped on campus I let out a giant sigh...of relief. The campus is gorgeous and even at 7am in the morning. As the day progressed I continued to meet familiar faces on Facebook and new faces...and all of them were friendly and bubbling with excitement. As I explored the campus further I only fell in love with it more. My dad even got emotional...which never happens. It was a crowning achievement moment for myself. I had gotten myself there and no one else. The whole day was rather intense...a lot was thrown in our direction all at once...but it was all exhilarating. Also, I was the ONLY, I repeat the ONLY transfer theatre major at that orientation session. This was actually really nice because I got to interact with my new advisement counselors and a few existing theatre majors on a one on one basis. I registered for classes and for the first time in my academic career I got to CHOOSE my classes...what a concept?! I am taking everything from Cinema to Experiments (a class emphasized around rehearsal in which two musicals are produced throughout the classes). I am very excited.

After orientation my dad and I headed over to my new L.A. bungalow...which is adorable. Adorable is the exact word to describe it. We were met by an extremely friendly Hispanic family who toured us around the house. It is the perfect size for four people and is more than nice for a group of actors/college students...and the price sure beats the hell out of USC housing.

From then on my dad and I went out for a nice dinner and then drove around the area...from Rodeo Drive to the Santa Monica area and pier...it was a lot in such a short amount of time, but it was so nice. We concluded our adventures and final day in the center of Hollywood. I not only got to walk the steps of the Kodak Theatre but pay homage to Michael Jackson at his star and shrine. It was very cool. It was exhilarating to be there amongst the imprints of Hollywood legends because it was a physical reminder of where I was. Where I had come to. Hollywood. THE Hollywood, California. It was the beginning of this long adventure I am embarking on. It gave me chills to see the stars and feet of all of these artists I look up to...and to daydream about possibly making it to that one day sent chills up my spine.

I could obviously go on and on about my two and a half days in Los Angeles but you will all hear plenty about my adventures in L.A. when I move there. Even now as I sit on my bed in Fort Collins, Colorado it still feels unreal. Like someone needs to pour a bucket of Lobsters on my head to wake me up. But every so often I am reminded that it is indeed reality. And that feeling is enough to make me so ridiculously happy.

Somone Pinch Me.

I need to wake up from this coma I am in. This void of reality. Is this really happening? Am I really flying to Los Angeles, California tomorrow...to go to the University of Southern California's Orientation session? Am I really living in a beautiful house in downtown Los Angeles with three fellow actors? Am I actually pursuing my dreams? Am I actually moving to Los Angeles, California to become the actor and individual I want to become? Is this all real? Even though I am occassionally reminded from my butterflies and nerves that it is clearly real, it still doesn't seem like it. It couldn't be happening to me could it? Either way it IS happening. And even though that comes with a bundle of conflicting emotions...I'm actually living it. Wow. Excuse me while I shit myself.

Well I am off to finish packing and go to bed...I have a flight to catch to Los Angeles tomorrow. Goodnight world. Wish me luck this week. :)

OFFICIALLY Summer.

So it took a little bit longer for summer to spring upon Northern Colorado, but I think (knock on wood) it has sprung! How do I know this...between the hot weather, the bright sun and fun sleep-overs in tents, it is hard not to think it is summer! It is even warm enough to go skinny dipping (which I plan on doing very soon...sshhh, don't tell the authorities). Things are moving, that is for sure. It is already June 19th and just a moment ago I was flipping my calendar from May to June. Time does move fast when you are occupied or having fun. And sometimes, it goes by far too fast! But ever since I have begun focusing on the present, I have been very content and happy. I have come to terms with the fact that all of the exciting opportunities (as far as film, television, stage and acting work goes) will not be presented to me until the fall...but I have all of this time beforehand to enjoy my summer and friends and work. I cannot think about tomorrow or the next week or next month because they will come to me eventually...and I would have been worrying too much about the future that I missed out on all of the joy and beauty of the present. We do more in one day than we think we do...we call it being bored...but we are really actively participating in life...regardless of how "exciting" the activities in our lives are.

I must admit, I was a bit freaked out about housing for the fall...but now I am so happy. Housing is not guaranteed for transfers at USC (yeah I know) and so I wanted to try to find a back up in case I was not granted university housing. There were several options that were presented to me, but by a stroke of fate I found my future housemates and house. YES AN ACTUAL HOUSE...in LOS ANGELES! One of the housemates messaged me on Facebook and had seen that I was looking for potential housing...and said he had to go back to Norway because of something with his green card and offered me a spot in his house! I took him up on his offer right away. And it is supposedly really nice and cheap for a house in Los Angeles...AND I will have my own room in case I need to break away from reality and take a nap in privacy. I would be paying almost double the price to share a room with two others in USC housing...I am so unbelievably stoked. My housemates seem incredibly cool and are also all theatre majors. It will definitely help me make an easier transition into the social world. I am a very outgoing individual, don't get me wrong, but when I am moving to a new location and am put in front of hundreds...thousands of strangers...I go into wallflower mode...and don't act the way I truly do all the rest of the time...it is just bad. This way I can befriend my housemates and have an easier transition into meeting fellow theatre majors, etc instead of being paralyzed in nerves and anxiety.

I have already met an abundant amount of theatre majors and USC students in general on Facebook...they have all been so gracious in offering me help, advice and invites to parties when I come to LA. Which will be sooner than I thought it would be initially. Technically the lease starts August 1st, but I am going to try to find some grace period of a week or so to wait to move out there. I am excited, but at the same time I do not want to cut my summer short by any means. But right now that is too far ahead in the future to think about. Orientation is less than two weeks away...oh my goodness. Right now I am going to take a little nap before work and just chill. Because it is the summer...and I can nap whenever I want (kind of).

It's Beginning to Hit Me.

It hit me. Again. Just this very minute. I am going to be living in Los Angeles. Yes...I am scared shitless. But the nerves are equally met with a feeling of relief and excitement. It is enough to know that I will be attending one of the best Universities and Theatre programs in the United States...but what really gets me going is the location. Los Angeles...Hollywood. THE BIG LEAGUES. Yes, I will land in LAX and probably start shaking in my boots. I will probably begin to doubt my abilities, my strength and my courage. But then I will remind myself that I am PHYSICALLY pursuing my dreams. For so long I have talked to people about moving out to L.A. to pursue my acting career. How I was going to continue my studies at USC while auditioning and starting my career...and I am sure many of those people just rolled their eyes and thought, "How cute...how naive of him". But then it happened. IT ACTUALLY HAPPENED! Twas a dark and rainy evening when I ran out to the mailbox and saw that beautiful package. It was physical proof of a big success of mine. I hope to have many more in the future.

Not going to lie, a majority of the time people look at me like I am crazy when I tell them I want to be in movies and on big stages. Not that they doubt me or my talents...they just don't think I am strong enough or have the will power. But lately these thoughts have shifted. The other day my mom said, "Wow...whatever Braden puts his mind to...he achieves". She calls up family and friends constantly and tells them the good news about the fall...how she wants to come out and visit me all the time with the family. It feels good to hear sentiments like this again. Truly. For a while there I began to panic...foolishly. I was in a rut. But now, I am happy to report...I am beginning to see the other side of this rut, this tunnel. And it looks promising. I have a lot of support...from family, friends, professors and co-workers. I feel a little shaky (the nerves of starting a new life basically) but I know that things happen for a reason. This happened for a reason. I am already meeting a lot of really kind people from USC and they are pumping me up! Yes there is the occasional distant individual but it IS Facebook. It seems to me that I am one of the only Theatre transfers this year that was accepted...I don't know whether to feel flattered or scared. I have to prove myself to these talented performers and faculty!

I feel a little rusty in theatre, singing and acting...but when it comes down to it, it is just like riding a bike...you always go back to it easily. SO yes...my mind is occupied with thoughts of the future. I have my occasional anxiety...but I think it is the combination of excitement for the fall and my present happiness with how the summer is going that makes me feel content. I love my family...my friends...and work. I don't want to jinx ANYTHING...but I feel that things are moving (ever so slowly) in a good direction. I have to remember why I became an actor and fall in love with this art every day...whether I am in a show or not. Whether I am auditioning or not. This is a huge part of my life. I can't wait to get back into action. When it comes down to it I have a feeling the nerves and anxiety will disappear and I will kick some booty...I have a lot of pent up emotions just waiting to explode!

Now that I made the deposit, am amidst a housing hunt and have signed up for orientation on July 1st...things seems real. Or are at least beginning to form into reality in my head. In other news Emily and I had a little Salsa making gathering at mi casa tonight! It involved many easy going activities...one which included blankets. :) Pictures are attached. Well...goodnight world...you are so fascinating. I hope tomorrow will bring another day of beauty.

3 AM

The rain is dripping on my ceiling...and then onto my window. It is extremely therapeutic. Because it is 3 AM I will keep this bloggie short...especially since I am having lunch with Chelsey tomorrow! I began the USC process today...well technically I began it on Saturday when I payed the deposit. Today I applied for housing with my dad and looked into Orientation information. I also recieved some preliminary financial aid. I am hoping it is PRELIMINARY because there was not much of it. Which sucks balls. I received some loans (and not that much either). Which means that unless they do not award me any additional scholarships or grants I will have to apply my little booty off for outside scholarships. I didn't even get work study...but I rarely do. It is baffling to me that more than half of the people who are attending in the fall did not even apply for financial aid. Who has that much money to shell out instantly?! Good for you...I am truly jealous.

Anyhoo...between all the preliminary steps for the fall I got excited again. I finally feel a little bit like it is actually happening. I also feel partly guilty for the cost...and a little nervous for the housing. In the view book they attach in the beautiful acceptance packet it says, "Housing is not guaranteed for transfers." This makes me super nervous. So I'm putting out my good vibes because I don't want to live on a bench this year. I looked into non-USC living in the area and it is hella expensive...so needless to say I NEED to get into one of the living spaces. Regardless, all of this stressing is still exciting. I will be extremely relieved when I find out I have a place to live. Besides that I just have to continue to work my little booty off, pick up as many hours as possible and save all of the money for school. This is an exciting opportunity I would be crazy not to follow through with! IT is f-ing University of Southern California...the alum list is ridiculous! The connections are even better. I also discovered that Jason Robert Brown...yes THE Jason Robert Brown is a faculty member...wtf. I am so stoked. Well I'm tiiirrrreeeddd. The rain is coming down even harder. My right eye has been blood shot for two days...perhaps it is because of lack of sleep. Well nighty. Peace.

I Did It!

I did it....I am going to USC!

I would have written a blog earlier...but as you could imagine I was far too excited! If you have been following my blog for a while...you understand how much this means to me!

Roughly a day and a half ago I got a beautiful red and gold packet from the University of Southern California welcoming me to the Trojan family. And my face looked something along the lines of this:

Granted this shot is posed by hey...nothing could re-enact the sheer euphoria that was pouring over my entire being. I had a slight feeling that I was accepted because I was able to login to the deposit site two days prior...which only admitted students are allowed to do...but I wanted to keep it hush hush in case I was rejected in the end and only ended up making a fool of myself! But in the end I felt like anything but a fool!

USC is a damn good school...the next best thing to Ivy League...I only say this because I am still shocked at the fact that I was able to get into such an established and rigorous University. What made me even more ecstatic was the fact that I was admitted to the Theatre Program (BA Track...which is what I wanted anyway). I have already gotten a taste of what a BFA program is like and found out that I need to be well rounded so that I am a well rounded performer and individual. With the BA track I will still be apart of the prestigious School of Theatre, be able to audition for a majority of the season's shows but also be able to study abroad and take theatre classes and non theatre classes. However, most importantly I will have more time to audition and find agents! NETWORK! NETWORK! NETWORK! BA or BFA it does not matter anyway. It is the experience and the connections made that DOES.

I know that the next two and a half (maybe three-ish) years studying in Los Angeles will be rigorous, scary, exciting and life changing. And you know what...that is exactly what I wanted. Even now...only two days after my acceptance I am beginning to get nervous...I am beginning to shake a little...but I know deep down that this would not have happened if it was not meant to be. As Oprah once said, "We can't become what we need to be by remaining what we are." I am feeling this. Hopefully it will be good. Out of everything though, getting into USC has shown me that I have the ability to stand out of 10,000 fellow applicants, which means I definitely have the ability to make it in the industry I want to be in so badly. Even though I always knew I could do it and know that I will be successful one day...sometimes it takes something like this to let the ones around you realize that you really CAN do anything you put your mind to.

I thought my parents would be "happy" for me...but never encourage me to attend the school itself. But boy have I been suprised. My mom always wanted me to go to an Ivy League school...and I told her it would be pointless to do such a thing in theatre...but this is the second best thing...they are completely supporting me with their hugs and love taps and kind words. I hugged my mom for a minute and a half today...just relieved and happy...I showed her that I'm back...and in action. I love my family so very much. My Auntie Gail was here last weekend for my brother's high school grad BBQ and I had told her I was applying to USC...she happened to come visit our house the day I got in...it was so cool to share that with more than my immediate family! While my financial aid package won't be here for a week or so...I am going to put down a deposit and hopefully I will be graced with a scholarship of some kind or at least student loans or work study (crossing my fingers for all of the above).

Either way...I am going to make it work! I can't wait to wear the USC sweatshirt..attend football games, audition for student films and just act...perform...in f-ing LOS ANGELES! I am studying while jump starting my acting career...what could be better?! I'm scared shitless but as all things seem to go...it will eventually come together!

I celebrated with a slumber party last night. Swung by work and got my paycheck...it was smaller than I thought it would be. :*( I hope they are going to get bigger and not smaller because I am not going to have ANY money for the fall! Then afterwards to raise my spirits Kaitlin and I sampled tea next door at the amazingly cool tea shop...bought some FRESH from the source tea leaves and got dinner. Then we went to the Lyric and journaled for a bit...then got into an odd funk because we were discussing insecurities and bad times in our lives and fear for our salaries and such...but we soon fixed it with some of that delicious jasmine tea and a list of happy things! So now I am in an odd mood...somewhere between content and anxious...but slowly easing into the content side. I told Kaitlin...we have to live in the NOW...we have to be able to enjoy the present moment...and not think so far in the future! Kaitlin told me American Idol season 9 is auditioning in Denver in July and it made me think and get anxious for some reason...while I want to audition so badly I am not ready yet...I want to be dynamite before I do that...I did not think it would be so soon before auditions came around...but I will just have to judge how I am feeling around then...I don't want anything to screw up my fall plans...and something like American Idol is so iffy anyway...you never know whats going to happen. I don't think I could handle the process right now and still don't feel confident that my singing abilities are the best that they could be...they aren't right now...I am getting better every day...maybe next season. What do you guys think...

So for now my babies I am going to try to refresh my mind of the recent success I have made and live life to the fullest...embracing my family and friends and working towards my fall in Los Angeles! I am going to visit the campus SOON...either way, although L.A. isn't the prettiest of cities I am going there for the opportunities not the geography...it is the hub of the film industry and close to the ocean and Disneyland...that is all I care about.