GLEE.

I'm sitting in class. I would much rather be on a sound stage filming. I daydream so much that reality just seems like such a blur. I am not quite aware of how to get to where I want to be but I know I want to be there. SO badly. Painfully so. It consumes my desires, my passions, my drive and my will. I want this. I do. I want this more then anything--please God, please universe--lend me this opportunity. Please get me in that door and I can work my magic, breathe in what you have leant me and just do it. There is so much to do, so much to show--in a vast sea of hopes and lost dreamers I submerge as a soul who vows to create change and give life to a future. I would be the happiest, the most content creature--pining for a chance. Luck. I need it. I'll make my own. I've got to--it's in me.

From the get go I felt a strange and magnetic pull to this--like I would serendipitously get this chance one day. Did I blow it? Hopefully not. What is done is done. There could have been a million and one ways I could have shown my personality and talent...but only one shot...Chance. I want another chance to show em' what I got. Who I am. I have SO much to give. I am brutally reminded as I sit in class that this is not a life I want to live--I want to bust down these stale brick walls and fly above the expectations everyone seems to have set for me. Constant battering, "You know it's a publicity stunt" or "there are far too many people for this to be real" or "you really think you have a chance?". I know. I am aware. But maybe just maybe I have optimistic hopes of being that one diamond in the ruff they'll find--discover and cultivate. The facts are there are a lot of people who can sing and dance and act--but I honestly feel I could fit the definitions of this show perfectly. And I have been overwhelmed by the support from friends, family and sometimes strangers who come across my video audition.

For those that doubt...you say publicity stunt...I say opportunity. And that is when I realize I'm a dreamer again--just trying to rope in a star--t0 keep it, to hold it and to chase it. SO many people want to do this--but why in the world can't I? I'm different and I suppose that is the most beautiful thing about "Glee"--celebrating and living in the awkward and endearing differences that lie within each of us. I firmly believe in putting your thoughts, desires and dreams out into the open...to be sucked up by God and the universe--so here I am doing that (just as I have been). I KNOW I can do this. I KNOW I gots this. Help me out. Lend a hand. Let chance be my companion and change my future for the better. :)

5 days--there will be five days of videos--some bad, some good--some endearing and some annoying. They will be as diverse as mankind itself. All with one goal--to get the part. Another shot. Another chance. Cue "God I hope I get it" from "A Chorus Line"...I will undoubtedly think of the auditions everyday but should remind myself to stop thinking about competition or anything--it doesn't matter at this point--I just want to be seen and have another shot. Truly. It's out of my hands--I just need to breathe in optimism and stay hopeful. I may be walking on a dream...but it is firmly rooted in ambition and drive. Braden Davis for "GLEE"!

You Win Some. You Lose Some.

Let me speak frankly for the next several minutes. After viewing Peter Jackson's The Lovely Bones, I am at a loss of complete coherence...so forgive the rambling. The movie wasn't the most amazing but it brought up a lot of deep thoughts on life and what happens after life. The movie inspired me to read the book which I just received as a Christmas present from one of my friends back in Colorado. Anyhoo...I am not blogging about The Lovely Bones...I am talking about life...which kind of has to deal with the film I suppose. Here is the thing: life is unexpected. You win some. You lose some. You may think you have it down...and then you get a wild card thrown at you. This much is true in my profession...even on the collegiate theatre level. You nail an audition...feel really good about it (and see that the director liked it too) but then you don't get a callback. Do you completely freak out? Or do you figure out what went wrong? Neither...because worrying about it on any level won't do you ANY good. It is a funny thing...empathy. Especially in the acting world...and in such a setting as a theatre school. You arrive at the callboard buzzing with nerves and anxiety for the outcome. What is going to happen? I'm going to walk up to that board and scan nervously. I either see my name and do jumping jacks in my head...or literally do jumping jacks. Or there is the alternative...I walk up to the board and scan nervously...and continue to scan...and continue to scan...take a moment to walk away...then return to the board nervously...hoping my eyes misread the first time. My name is not on the board. Deep breath. Don't let anyone know your ego has been bitch slapped just a little. Smile. Nod. Then say how happy you are for the others. Then walk away.

That would be the normal thing to do...that us actors all do too well.

But today when I arrived at the callboard at school I was surprised at how well I handled my fate. You see here is the thing: unlike a majority of the people who auditioned for EVERY SINGLE SHOW available, I only auditioned for two: Into the Woods and Grapes of Wrath. Unlike a majority of these people I have literally been in rehearsals since August between A Dream Play and Urinetown...which I am currently wrapping up here shortly. The point is: I have been working. Loving it...for most of the time and struggling through the stress. But at the end of the day I can say I have been very productive. Being that I found some sort of inspiration to blog this evening at nearly 2am this blog is a little long winded and unscripted to apologize for my frank thoughts. I wouldn't lie to you...whoever you are that finds this blog. This blog is for me mainly. Therapeutic. Mainly I like the sound and feeling of the key board clicking as I type freakishly fast. Anyhoo...tangent...where was I...auditions...right...the usual...the point is my auditions this week came amidst long hours in class and Urinetown rehearsals. And yet I performed two GREAT auditions for both shows. As an actor you always know when your performance was on in an audition and my performance WAS on in my musical audition and later on for the BFA show. It is a rare and amazing moment when a director says to you, "That was a treat. Thank you so much for that...seriously". Trust me...it is my pleasure to find a director calling my work "a treat". But long story short...I did not get called back for Into the Woods and have yet to find out about the BFA show. But here is my thought process...

When I took a double take at that big board filled with names and characters and room numbers and times...and saw that my name was not on the board...as I had grown so accustomed to. I didn't blame myself. I didn't blame the directors. I didn't blame peers or fellow actors. I instead accepted the fact that I was not exactly what the director was looking for and that I could still walk away from that board with my dignity in tact because I know I had an awesome audition. Sure it is kind of a bitch when friends/fellow cast mates of yours DID get called back and they feel all awkward when you congratulate them but they don't know what to say back since they can't be like, "Congrats to you too...". The funny thing is at that point...I am probably over it and the other person is just standing their like a woodland creature in the headlights. What I am trying to say is that I have faced rejection and critique practically all my life...and I have had too many tantrums and pity parties to go through it again. I am a professional. If I ever want to truly work in this industry like I have been I need to continue being positive and hopeful for my future. Of course I'm not going to say I wouldn't have like to have been on that list...I would have loved to be in Into the Woods or at least be called back and try to show them more of what I had to offer...but clearly they were going for a specific look (ahem...height more like it...) but there is still the delicious ambiguity of Grapes of Wrath (I seem to alternate between straights plays and musicals). Who knows...perhaps the director told the "Woods" director that she had a part in mind for me...or perhaps she didn't. I might not be in the show at all...but you know what. I wouldn't mind that. I would love to continue to work as an actor and learn in such an environment while I still can...but if its not in the cards...its not in the cards. You can't force things. Everything...and I mean everything happens for a reason. There are so many exciting things happening outside of USC's theatre community that I want to have a part of. I mean come on, I moved to Hollywood and Los Angeles for a reason. I want to begin looking for agents and working on internships and going out on auditions...being a REAL REAL REAL REAL actor. I am so thankful for the experiences I have had at USC thus far (as far as theatre, etc goes) because it has given me the opportunity to flourish again into the fun loving individual that I am and connect with new casts and families. The glass isn't even half full or empty--its bubbling over with possibility. 2010 is the year of positivity, adventures, growth and new experiences. I could be like a majority of the people who walk up to that board and shatter like a porcelain doll...but I am not going to let ONE college show get in the way of what I want to do. So here's to whatever happens with the shows this semester...cause God knows I will have my hands full no matter what! I'll drink to that!