Good Day L.A.

There are moments when I am so thankful for my existence. For where I am. For everyone who is in my life. I feel this as I sit upon my bed...it is almost 3am. I am in Los Angeles, California... in my very own house, in my very own room. I have just completed my first week at USC. I have auditioned for three productions, received multiple callbacks and have also managed to party and meet some magnificent people! Amidst a beautiful California evening I found myself on the corner of West Hollywood street slowly feasting upon delicious frozen yogurt and talking with an excellent friend I am so happy to have met...Tory. My roomies and I made a delicious meal for ourselves and Tory and then we played Scategories. It was a very chill and very solemn evening...but one filled with laughter and contentment. Why do I feel like that is not a word...who cares, its 3am. I should be sleeping...I just can't get over how good the new Ingrid Michaelson album is. I don't want to stop listening.

On a side note...I must say...California knows how to party. I have had my fair share of enjoyment at the parties I have gone to. And its when I find myself talking to one of the twins from Desperate Housewifes (who is very nice and was in the BFA program at USC before he booked the show) at a party that I remember I am in L.A. If I had not been exhausted from last night's party...I would have attended another one tonight. We all think we made a wise choice of staying in.

Cast list is posted Monday...I believe. It is a rather strange play but any exposure to the acting/theatre community is excellent. To be honest I was surprised I got called back considering I am new to the program! This entry could go on for forever but alas I need to go to bed sometime.

The point is...its moments when I am completely content that I feel warm inside. Every little sensation becomes heightened. The warmth of the sun's rays on my forearm. The excitement of meeting someone and actually becoming friends with them. Taking pictures...learning the little nuances of someone new...it is all so tantalizing. And it is the FIRST week. I can only imagine what adventures my time here will bring! I can only go up from here!

L.A.

I found this amusing...considering I am moving out to Los Angeles in days.

Wow.

I leave for Los Angeles in (roughly) a week. Dear Lord. I have yet to pack. The roller coaster is finally beginning to board its one passenger. It is going to be a wild ride. I have already deposited the money for the first month of rent so I officially have a house in Los Angeles starting Saturday...I just won't be there til a week after. Wow. And now I am beginning to regret spending more time with my family. But hey, no regrets. I have to move forward. I hung out with my little little brother this morning and saw the new Harry Potter again...it was glorious. I enjoy his company. It is comforting knowing my entire family is under one roof...I have to get used to not having that...yet again.

As of now I have no idea how I am getting out to Los Angeles...either way I will have to do it without my parents. Blurg. But at the same time I feel that it will be an emotional yet therapeutic journey to go through by myself. Hopefully I will be driving out to L.A. with a dear friend of mine. It is a two day trip basically...and I feel like it will be a great transition into independence once again. Wow...just typing about it, is making me so excited. I am MOVING TO LOS ANGELES...HOLLYWOOD. I am really doing this. For months I have been complaining, worrying and bitching about the future. How can I now when such an exciting adventure is about to happen? Not being in LA has hindered many potential opportunities that I could of had in the past...but now I am actually going to be there! I can show up to auditions and show them what I got.

Yes...I might not be auditioning for some Nickelodeon pilot or have all of the connections...but this is all new to me. I have time. Patience. Patience. Patience. What matters is that I will be there amongst all of those people. Eventually I will find an agent and book jobs outside of school. And meanwhile...I will be training in my craft. What could be better for an actor? All I can say is wow. Yes I haven't booked anything yet...but I have a right to be incredibly excited. The future is exciting. Here I was in Colorado for six months...and I felt helpless...now I feel strong. Like I am taking the reigns and making my dreams concrete...maliable...and REAL. Wow. :)

Topsy-Turvy.

My mind is a jumble of discarded memories. Fragments of the past and estimated guesses at the future. What I know is what I feel. And I feel jittery. That pre-first kiss jitter. Your hands are shaking, your mind is running wild and you can't help but throw up a little in your mouth. You know you will probably enjoy it...but there is that slight chance that they might miss your mouth or you might bump into their chin...you might screw up. But you got there for a reason. You are sitting with that person because of a certain chain of events that have lead up to that very point.

Often I wonder how the hell I got to this point. Where I am right now. Two years ago I was in a similar situation. A bright and fresh high school graduate excited but nervous as hell to journey to Chicago to become an actor...to train in a Theatre Conservatory. Yet I pulled through. I made bunches of friends, learned so many valuable lessons and became a better actor and person because of it. Then cut to Christmas evening mid-sophomore year, where a huge decision was made. It was then that I told my parents that perhaps going back to Roosevelt wasn't the best idea. I try to pin-point the origins of my negative feelings towards CCPA and I can't really decide when it began. I was never UNHAPPY there. I had AMAZING friends and was testing my abilities as an actor, performer and individual. Some of my favorite memories came from my year and a half in Chicago. I saw Oprah, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. I saw all of the Olympians AND Oprah for a second time. I laughed, I cried and I grew up. So why is it that I STILL feel guilty about leaving everyone and my past behind.

I am reading "The Power of Now" and Eckhart Tolle continues to state that looking in the past will not help you find happiness. It will only hurt you. I think we learn from our past but like Mr. Tolle says, I also think that it is important to live in the present...for the present is what matters. Tomorrow is not guaranteed...and no point in wallowing in past mistakes or errors. But as I continue to live day to day I can't help but notice things seem to be muted. Sounds are not the same. Colors are not as vibrant and emotions are hard to tap into. When I think of this past Christmas when I made one of the most important decisions of my life, I think of how fast everything went. Within a week I went from living an independent life in Chicago to living with my family again. Not that I haven't enjoyed their company because that is anything but the truth. I have loved living back at home with the family (even though we have had our moments). One problem however, is that I have become semi-shy again. This makes me nervous because I have not been shy since I can remember.

When I initially came home from school I was bubbling with excitement for the future. Several of my Chicago friends envied me because I was leaving to "go onto bigger and better things" with my life. To take some "time off" from school and to see the REAL WORLD...not this bubble we called the acting conservatory. Living at home was fine for the first couple of months. Besides the needle in the hay sack search for a job I was enjoying rekindling old friendships and being in the comfort of my own home once again. But something was missing...I wasn't engaging in the love of my life...the drug that makes me shiver with complete euphoria...ACTING...PERFORMING...SINGING. I had a daily routine...wake up go to work, see friends, see family, stay up late then repeat. Then work some more. Work, work, work. Scooping ice cream at Ben and Jerry's is hardly artistic. In fact it isn't at all. I was not getting my high that I have lived off of for years...since I was a child. I crave it again. But NOW I feel as if I am rusty.

By a series of interesting and random events I applied to the University of Southern California and its internationally acclaimed theatre program. While I tried my hardest to get in and spent days on the application I did not want to set my hopes high. People...close friends and family included, told me to start thinking of back up plans because I "probably wouldn't get in to USC, and definitely would have issues with admissions into the theatre program". Low and behold...months later...I was accepted. I always had a slight ray of hope in me...it is what gets you through as an actor and as a person period. As Harvey Milk said, "You've got to give them HOPE". And now in mere weeks I am on my way to Los Angeles (epicenter of entertainment) to pursue my acting career as well as train at the USC's acclaimed Theatre Program. It seems now that people don't question me anymore. As my mother says to her friends, "If Braden wants something he will get it. It's that simple". I'm proud of that part of my personality. I am driven.

But the rusty part...because of this lapse in time from any form of acting or theatre or cinema I feel as though I am going to be a giant let down to the faculty and my peers, etc. I continue to invision auditions...stepping out onto the stage and just performing an EPIC FAIL. BOMBING. But I can't think like that. I also envision moving out there and being eaten by the parasites known as the millions of unknown actors, musicians and artists living in Los Angeles. But then I just have to tell myself. I got into the school for a reason. It is a sign. Not only is it a damn competitive University to get into but I ACTUALLY GOT ACCEPTED...not waitlisted or denied but ACCEPTED. I am worthy. That is all that matters. But being the sometimes melodramatic artist I am I always question the talent that people see in me. But you have to...it is what keeps you going, what makes your ego small and what forces you to keep on trying and change things up.

I have already met a bus load of USC students on Facebook (theatre and non theatre) and they have taken well to me thus far. I am living in a nice house with three fellow actors and I have (what people tell me to be...) a likeable personality. What have I got to lose. I have only dreamed and prayed for the day to come when I am jet setting to Los Angeles to pursue my acting career. I am actually pursuing it. Physically moving all of my things and myself to the other side of the country to make my dreams come true. People can't make fun of me for that. So many people are talkers...and I have been for the past semester, but now I am actually DOING IT...and that is exciting. And now as my very long and rambling blog entry comes to a close I am in a subdued yet pleasant mind set. People are cheering me on here and in Chicago. They know this is for the best and many exciting opportunities will come from this path I have decided to take. Beneath all of the absurd anxiety is excitement and absolute euphoria for the future. My only hope is that it all falls into place and I begin to see the vibrant colors I have missed for so long.

I know it will be hard but I also know that it will be fun. I will hopefully meet all of these people I have been talking to on Facebook and just fit right in. I have done this before. I am a TRANSFER...at least this isn't the first time for me. It is still fucking horrifying but I have a hand up on this game. Right now I am living on my drive and my family and friends. My old and very talented roommate and friend said to me, "Braden you will make it because you are hella talented". This is not the first time I have heard this...and that is enough to keep me going. I have nothing to prove... I just have a lot to show.

Hollywoo...My New Home.

I have been severely tired lately. Passing out in the middle of the day...napping during really intense movies, bumming around at work...all unusual for me. But I guess a lot has been happening. But this explains why I have yet to post a blog.

Things have been exciting.

I flew out to California Tuesday night and stayed there until Thursday...with my Dad. I went to go see the campus, go to USC orientation, sign the lease papers for my new house, and just explore my new home I will be calling Los Angeles, California. As you may have read I was basically shitting my pants in anxiety. However, as soon as I landed in California my nerves evaporated and instead, I felt content. Los Angeles gets a bad rap from people who either don't like it or have just heard rumors...but I was pleasantly surprised at how much I liked it. Granted I have yet to explore in depth this city but from what I saw...which was a lot in such a short time...I liked it. First of all, the weather was glorious. Sunny and warm...but not TOO warm because of the ocean breeze. The city itself is so huge that it is hard to judge whether or not you like it from just one section of the city. Like any city Los Angeles has its "Do NOT go near there" spots and it also has its "YOU HAVE TO CHECK THIS OUT" spots as well. But anyway...before I start writing an article for the Los Angeles Tourism offices I will get back on track. But the bottom line is...I am going to find an array of fun and experiences in L.A. that is for sure.

I met two of my roomies and one of their friends the same evening that I landed at a cool restaurant "Lab" near the USC campus. While I attempted to be my usual self I found myself acting nervous and awkward...but apparently I was neither to them. While it is naturally awkward meeting people in person for the first time, I could tell that with time I will get along with them swimmingly well.

Another thing I was terrified of was the possibility of me not liking the campus or the school itself. And yes...I suppose I took a risk by not visiting the school in the first place. However I was going to go to USC regardless if I got in for the opportunities and the location. The minute I stepped on campus I let out a giant sigh...of relief. The campus is gorgeous and even at 7am in the morning. As the day progressed I continued to meet familiar faces on Facebook and new faces...and all of them were friendly and bubbling with excitement. As I explored the campus further I only fell in love with it more. My dad even got emotional...which never happens. It was a crowning achievement moment for myself. I had gotten myself there and no one else. The whole day was rather intense...a lot was thrown in our direction all at once...but it was all exhilarating. Also, I was the ONLY, I repeat the ONLY transfer theatre major at that orientation session. This was actually really nice because I got to interact with my new advisement counselors and a few existing theatre majors on a one on one basis. I registered for classes and for the first time in my academic career I got to CHOOSE my classes...what a concept?! I am taking everything from Cinema to Experiments (a class emphasized around rehearsal in which two musicals are produced throughout the classes). I am very excited.

After orientation my dad and I headed over to my new L.A. bungalow...which is adorable. Adorable is the exact word to describe it. We were met by an extremely friendly Hispanic family who toured us around the house. It is the perfect size for four people and is more than nice for a group of actors/college students...and the price sure beats the hell out of USC housing.

From then on my dad and I went out for a nice dinner and then drove around the area...from Rodeo Drive to the Santa Monica area and pier...it was a lot in such a short amount of time, but it was so nice. We concluded our adventures and final day in the center of Hollywood. I not only got to walk the steps of the Kodak Theatre but pay homage to Michael Jackson at his star and shrine. It was very cool. It was exhilarating to be there amongst the imprints of Hollywood legends because it was a physical reminder of where I was. Where I had come to. Hollywood. THE Hollywood, California. It was the beginning of this long adventure I am embarking on. It gave me chills to see the stars and feet of all of these artists I look up to...and to daydream about possibly making it to that one day sent chills up my spine.

I could obviously go on and on about my two and a half days in Los Angeles but you will all hear plenty about my adventures in L.A. when I move there. Even now as I sit on my bed in Fort Collins, Colorado it still feels unreal. Like someone needs to pour a bucket of Lobsters on my head to wake me up. But every so often I am reminded that it is indeed reality. And that feeling is enough to make me so ridiculously happy.

Somone Pinch Me.

I need to wake up from this coma I am in. This void of reality. Is this really happening? Am I really flying to Los Angeles, California tomorrow...to go to the University of Southern California's Orientation session? Am I really living in a beautiful house in downtown Los Angeles with three fellow actors? Am I actually pursuing my dreams? Am I actually moving to Los Angeles, California to become the actor and individual I want to become? Is this all real? Even though I am occassionally reminded from my butterflies and nerves that it is clearly real, it still doesn't seem like it. It couldn't be happening to me could it? Either way it IS happening. And even though that comes with a bundle of conflicting emotions...I'm actually living it. Wow. Excuse me while I shit myself.

Well I am off to finish packing and go to bed...I have a flight to catch to Los Angeles tomorrow. Goodnight world. Wish me luck this week. :)

The Tony's.

It is 1:22 AM on what is now a Tuesday morning. I have been inspired once again. Firstly, I had a nice lengthy conversation with my friend Erica over the phone. Not only was it nice to hear her voice and to hear she is doing well but we discussed life and the mysteries of it...like usual. Then when I came home I could not stop watching YouTube videos of The Tony's. Everytime I watch an award show like The Tony's I become instantly inspired again. I could not imagine doing anything else but playing fascinating characters and singing on stage or behind the camera. I love it...so very much. I am so excited to get back to work in the fall and continue to fine tune my talents. The downfall of watching The Tony's is the fact that I want to be doing that NOW. But everything takes time...and to be honest I don't think I am completely prepared. I am just going to let things play out...I know how driven I am and I know of the exciting opportunities that will be present in Los Angeles and etc. Time. Patience. The best lesson to be learned.

I have also been thinking a lot about leaving my family again in the fall. It saddens me and consumes a lot of my thoughts. I love them so very much...and while I know I have to leave Colorado to do the things I want to do at the level I want to do them...it still saddens me to know I will not be within walking distance. Yes, I know I can't change these things...and yes I can't think about morbid things...they will happen wherever I am. Life is cruel this way. We live with our family for so long, we love them, we hate them but really we just love them...and then...you are catapulted away from them. On your own. I like being independent but I also love the comfort my parents give me. The constant support, the hugs, the conversations. I have grown closer with them throughout this past semester. I love them so very much. And my family and pets in general. But I am living on the fact that they are so proud of me and what I am doing...they know I am actively pursuing my dreams and while it slightly terrifies them...they know that I am very diligent and persistent. The only thing I can ask for is that they will be there when I make it.

I have provided a couple of my favorite performances from the Tony's this year. I have become really addicted to "Hair" again...I would love to play anyone in that show. I have the soundtrack on shuffle and have been listening to it non-stop. And I have a man crush on Gavin Creel. And as far as "Billy Elliot" goes...I am jealous of those little boys...who gets to star on Broadway at that age? And where did you get those dance skills?

It's Beginning to Hit Me.

It hit me. Again. Just this very minute. I am going to be living in Los Angeles. Yes...I am scared shitless. But the nerves are equally met with a feeling of relief and excitement. It is enough to know that I will be attending one of the best Universities and Theatre programs in the United States...but what really gets me going is the location. Los Angeles...Hollywood. THE BIG LEAGUES. Yes, I will land in LAX and probably start shaking in my boots. I will probably begin to doubt my abilities, my strength and my courage. But then I will remind myself that I am PHYSICALLY pursuing my dreams. For so long I have talked to people about moving out to L.A. to pursue my acting career. How I was going to continue my studies at USC while auditioning and starting my career...and I am sure many of those people just rolled their eyes and thought, "How cute...how naive of him". But then it happened. IT ACTUALLY HAPPENED! Twas a dark and rainy evening when I ran out to the mailbox and saw that beautiful package. It was physical proof of a big success of mine. I hope to have many more in the future.

Not going to lie, a majority of the time people look at me like I am crazy when I tell them I want to be in movies and on big stages. Not that they doubt me or my talents...they just don't think I am strong enough or have the will power. But lately these thoughts have shifted. The other day my mom said, "Wow...whatever Braden puts his mind to...he achieves". She calls up family and friends constantly and tells them the good news about the fall...how she wants to come out and visit me all the time with the family. It feels good to hear sentiments like this again. Truly. For a while there I began to panic...foolishly. I was in a rut. But now, I am happy to report...I am beginning to see the other side of this rut, this tunnel. And it looks promising. I have a lot of support...from family, friends, professors and co-workers. I feel a little shaky (the nerves of starting a new life basically) but I know that things happen for a reason. This happened for a reason. I am already meeting a lot of really kind people from USC and they are pumping me up! Yes there is the occasional distant individual but it IS Facebook. It seems to me that I am one of the only Theatre transfers this year that was accepted...I don't know whether to feel flattered or scared. I have to prove myself to these talented performers and faculty!

I feel a little rusty in theatre, singing and acting...but when it comes down to it, it is just like riding a bike...you always go back to it easily. SO yes...my mind is occupied with thoughts of the future. I have my occasional anxiety...but I think it is the combination of excitement for the fall and my present happiness with how the summer is going that makes me feel content. I love my family...my friends...and work. I don't want to jinx ANYTHING...but I feel that things are moving (ever so slowly) in a good direction. I have to remember why I became an actor and fall in love with this art every day...whether I am in a show or not. Whether I am auditioning or not. This is a huge part of my life. I can't wait to get back into action. When it comes down to it I have a feeling the nerves and anxiety will disappear and I will kick some booty...I have a lot of pent up emotions just waiting to explode!

Now that I made the deposit, am amidst a housing hunt and have signed up for orientation on July 1st...things seems real. Or are at least beginning to form into reality in my head. In other news Emily and I had a little Salsa making gathering at mi casa tonight! It involved many easy going activities...one which included blankets. :) Pictures are attached. Well...goodnight world...you are so fascinating. I hope tomorrow will bring another day of beauty.

Help Me.

I'm tired of being all talk and no walk. I hate it when people look at me like I'm crazy when I tell them I want to be an actor. Those who support me want the best for me and everyone else is just in the way. I always make the mistake of sharing certain things with my parents. While they are supportive. They are not supportive of not going to college and getting a degree. Something so stupid and minuscule--literally a piece of paper. That is all they want and care about. If it were up to them I would be in school right now. That was the deal, I leave Roosevelt for a college where I study and get a flipping degree. Which is what I thought was the plan...and now, all of a sudden I am beginning to want other things. You only live once. You have this life to do something, to fulfill your dreams. And I don't feel like I am doing that right now. I'm not...that is the truth. I'm in northern Colorado...where yes, I have some great companions and friends but it is not doing anything for me. It does not make me entirely happy and it does not fulfill any of my artistic desires. And at the same time, it seems I continue to fill people's ears with notions that I am being brave and leaving school and going to Los Angeles, when in reality I am here...in Fort Collins, Colorado. You can either take a chance and go to Los Angeles or New York and pursue your career as an actor...and spend years building your reputation, or you can live a life that is not particularly fulfilling and wish that you had done something. And it seems that I am stuck somewhere in between the middle. I will be blatantly honest when I say my parents are holding me back. I get it. They want me to actually make money in my life...they want me to have a good career. But what they don't get is NONE OF THAT IS IMPORTANT TO ME.

The only people that understand this notion of not needing anything but a career in acting or performing are other actors themselves. There is no back up plan...and yes I can imagine that seems scary to someone who is not involved in the theatre because they constantly hear that over and over again from starving artists. "I don't need a back up plan". It does not help that everyone and their sister calls themselves a struggling actor in Los Angeles. It makes it a little harder to imagine someone like myself actually achieving what some of the actors last night have. But I am tired of not being taken seriously. Not truly being accepted as a good actor. Yes, I have my growing to do as a person and as an artist, but no one is perfect at the age of twenty. If everything goes as planned, I will have an entire life ahead of me. Yes, I can go back to college for three years again and finish up school and THEN pursue my career...but who knows if I will be wanted then. The point is...I am torturing myself thinking of what could be. I'm torturing myself thinking about what would of come from that film audition in NYC if I was given more time to fly to NYC to audition. The little things. They get me. This "Stewie" audition tape...being in the dark, not knowing what they thought, if they even looked at it. It is all apart of the job, but frankly right now I am not exactly a working actor. I've got to get out. I have got to get out of this Colorado bubble...it is driving me crazy. Maybe my time won't come for ages, but I will never know if I don't try. I wish it was as simple as having a connection that could bring me to instant recognition, but I don't really. I was not born into infamy. I was not born into the most stunning body either. I am unique, but not in the best of ways...it will most likely take time for me to grow into my own skin. But I want that time to come soon. I am so eager. I am opening my hands and heart and screaming for someone to see the talent and drive in me. HELP ME!

As promised, I included Kate Winslet's acceptance speech...it spoke directly to me. I used to do the whole shampoo bottle thing.