I have this drive inside of me. It's like a badger in the pit of my stomach...attempting to claw its way out. I live with it everyday. 24/7. I don't think anyone around me truly knows how big my desires are. They outweigh any current care of mine. I try to maintain patience and let my drive take me to where I need to go when my time comes...But I am too afraid I will miss an opportunity. My parents continue to harass me about school. "We can't afford USC or any of these schools you are applying to. Why are you getting a degree that won't get you a job?"And I continue to tell them, and myself that I don't even need a degree for what I want to do. I'm stepping into a career based primarily on luck and talent. I could be the prettiest face on the planet but if I didn't have any connections, I would never make it in this industry I long to be a part of. I always wonder about the people who do go into this industry and call themselves, "actors". To me there are the people that entertain and the people that watch. But it seems to me that the new generation of entertainers are osbessed with finding their names on the headlines and not in the playbill for their work. I perpetually bring up Zac Efron because he is the perfect example. He has had a couple big (superficial and showy) projects but besides that, his name comes up for having a good body and a girlfriend that leaks naked pictures of herself. And then there are those individuals like Shia LaBeouf (think I spelled that right) who strictly got in this industry to make money. It is truly sad. And yes, I realize that natural talent like that of Streep's, Linney's, Winslet's, Hoffman's and others will overcast a giant shadow over the shallow Shia and Zac but it is still present unfortunately.
It is an odd thing looking into this industry I am embarking into. It is a game of chance and a game of probability. When do you go to Los Angeles? When is the right time or age to pursue your career in film and television? Am I too ugly? Am I too odd looking? Am I too normal? Am I too tall? You never know. I love and hate that part of this art. I have proven to others and myself that I can bring an immense amount of talent to any project I work on. However, it won't do squat for me if I don't look the exact way I should look for that part or even if I have brown hair and they want a blonde. Right now I am working on my confidence with my physical traits. I have been continually reminded of my talents in acting and singing but am continually reminded of my ill self image. How will I be able to get a casting agent, director, talent agent or anyone for that matter to like me if I don't quite like myself. I am the product...I am selling myself. That is why I have been running and excercising a lot. I want to bulk up a lot so that people will see me as a leading man someday. I don't want to categorize myself in any matter when it comes to acting, but I know that professionals will when my time comes and I want to be fully prepared to break out of any box they attempt to place me in.
I've been watching "Pushing Daisies" lately and have been enamored by the diversity of actors on that show (another reason I love it soooo much). Lee Pace, who plays the leading man "Ned" is my height and just as skinny and pale. It gives me hope that my "type" is getting more popular in this industry. Although, I am having troubles coming to terms with how much my youthful face does not match my body. I have the body of an NBA player and the face of a 12 year old altar boy. It doesn't match up. Which could be good for a lot of projects but I don't know! That is why I like film though...the attention of height and size is not as key as it is on the stage.
But anyway, to get off of that tangent and back to my point, there are those who can worry about degrees and end up behind a desk and there are those like myself who want so desperately to break out and tell stories. I love acting because it gives me the ability to dive into the skin of another and tell their story. A part of me thinks that it is unfortunate--that everyone else in Los Angeles wants to do the same thing and considers themself an actor. But a part of me thinks that it is exciting, and makes me want to rise to the challenge and prove myself even more. Afterall, more than half of those individuals that call themselves "actors" are only in Los Angeles to become "famous" or be chased by paparazzi. I have a friend who I love to death here in Fort Collins, however, instead of talking about the craft of acting, is always either discussing how she could never go to red carpet events or something about paparazzi or fame. It is not about those superficial elements. And it is a sad thing because the industry would contain a smaller yet more substantial pool of talent because those individuals are acting for the love of the craft and not the fame. I joke every so often about how much I would stick out on the red carpet or how much I love certain celebs. But they aren't celebrities to me...they are fellow actors who started out the same way I will be starting out.
I am hoping and praying that I get into USC so that I will make ammends with both myself and my mother and father. But now they are telling me USC is not even an option because of the prices, yet aren't willing to fill out the FAFSA by the deadline. It is a sticky situation that I find myself in because I know deep inside, that if I want to be happy and a happy actor...I need to end up in LA. And it is sticky because if I don't get into USC, I'm scared I'll pick up my things and go. Just go. And being the impatient (guilty as charged) individual that I am contuinally cringing at myself because I am simply sitting at home, calling around for jobs and applying my soul to schools. That is not what I am about. I want to prove myself artistically and as an actor. I already am confident in saying that I am a good person. I have my faults, but who doesn't? A part of me is missing, and therefore makes me unwhole. But I have a feeling I will find that with my success in acting.
I would be lying if I said my parents haven't supported me with my acting. They have in so many ways. However, it seems that now, given the current state of not being at school, and being at home, they are so obsessed with money. Me making money. Me getting a degree. A degree. Degree. A stupid little paper they hand to you...doesn't even guarantee you a job OUT of acting. The economy is getting worse and hey, I'll tell you myself that I am in dire need of cash...but I will simply not settle for anything less than my dreams. My mother had to sacrifice her dreams for the sake of her father. And I will absolutely never do that. I feel like a clown sometimes because it seems that my mother and father are laughing at me behind my back. "Do you know how many people are 'actors'?" "Look how messed up those actors are, do you want to do drugs and end up like Mickey Rourke did?" I am constantly flooded with these questions which seem absurd to myself.
Maybe I have always been the individual to find the silver lining in everything. Maybe I have my head so far up my bum that I'm oblivious to the horrible fate I am signing myself to. I don't know. All that I am aware of is this talent and passion that I possess. My parent's questions just seem silly to me because to me, I have never doubted my ability to make a name in this world and this industry. I am worthy of doing such a thing. I just have to get past the economics of this business. The brutal competition of moving to LA, finding an agent and booking my first gig. A large part of me wants to do the Kristen Wiig thing and just pack my things up and drive to LA without any notification. But then there is the fear that I will become another number under the Californian sun...a waiter. But you know what...something tells me...(and if you know me)...you'll know that I don't settle. I will prove to everyone who has ever doubted me, parents included, that I will be a successful actor. And when that moment comes, it will make all of this chaos and battle worth it.
