I sit beside myself. It is 12:29 AM Wednesday morning...the 29th of July. Yes the 29th. Perhaps it is just me but this summer feels like it has been on speed. That or I have been working so much that my life is now a vortex of ice cream and bitchy customers. But that is NOT true. I have actually been so busy between work and seeing friends and family that I have not really been able to relax. In fact I have not slept in my own bed for three days. Yeah thats right. I suppose that is not terribly bad but I love sleeping in my own bed within the comfort of my own home. I didn't even have time to bathe today...yeah it is that sad. I don't think it is going to slow down either.
I feel like I am riding a roller coaster but I am so oblivious of the emotions or what is actually transpiring. I hate feeling like this. Like I am in a black and white photo asking myself...where the hell did the color go? I see my family and friends who I love dearly...and I enjoy their company...but I don't truly feel alive. Maybe if I actually felt the emotions it would be too much. But I don't think that is the case. It was the other day in my dad's car where I had my first big breakdown since God knows when. Tears EVERYWHERE. And for mere moments I felt alive. I want that again. I want to be able to be excited for my future in LA and to actually feel it, instead of complacently nod my head in "happiness". I want to feel the waves.
And I realize as I come back to the internet that exciting things are happening to other people as well as myself. One of my friends (old roomie) is auditioning for Nickelodeon for a show. And people are having exciting opportunities unfolded to them. I must say I am happy but eager for it to be my turn. It always seems like I watch all of this good stuff happen to everyone around me and am just waiting til it strikes me. Hopefully it will. I have faith that it will. I wouldn't be moving for no reason. This is supposed to happen for a reason. Yes I don't expect to land a giant role on a sitcom the moment I land in Los Angeles...but I do expect to experience a fun journey. A roller coaster of sorts. With hard work, drive, talent and my dedication I know I can get there. Eventually!
I feel like I am riding a roller coaster but I am so oblivious of the emotions or what is actually transpiring. I hate feeling like this. Like I am in a black and white photo asking myself...where the hell did the color go? I see my family and friends who I love dearly...and I enjoy their company...but I don't truly feel alive. Maybe if I actually felt the emotions it would be too much. But I don't think that is the case. It was the other day in my dad's car where I had my first big breakdown since God knows when. Tears EVERYWHERE. And for mere moments I felt alive. I want that again. I want to be able to be excited for my future in LA and to actually feel it, instead of complacently nod my head in "happiness". I want to feel the waves.
And I realize as I come back to the internet that exciting things are happening to other people as well as myself. One of my friends (old roomie) is auditioning for Nickelodeon for a show. And people are having exciting opportunities unfolded to them. I must say I am happy but eager for it to be my turn. It always seems like I watch all of this good stuff happen to everyone around me and am just waiting til it strikes me. Hopefully it will. I have faith that it will. I wouldn't be moving for no reason. This is supposed to happen for a reason. Yes I don't expect to land a giant role on a sitcom the moment I land in Los Angeles...but I do expect to experience a fun journey. A roller coaster of sorts. With hard work, drive, talent and my dedication I know I can get there. Eventually!
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