My mind is a jumble of discarded memories. Fragments of the past and estimated guesses at the future. What I know is what I feel. And I feel jittery. That pre-first kiss jitter. Your hands are shaking, your mind is running wild and you can't help but throw up a little in your mouth. You know you will probably enjoy it...but there is that slight chance that they might miss your mouth or you might bump into their chin...you might screw up. But you got there for a reason. You are sitting with that person because of a certain chain of events that have lead up to that very point.
Often I wonder how the hell I got to this point. Where I am right now. Two years ago I was in a similar situation. A bright and fresh high school graduate excited but nervous as hell to journey to Chicago to become an actor...to train in a Theatre Conservatory. Yet I pulled through. I made bunches of friends, learned so many valuable lessons and became a better actor and person because of it. Then cut to Christmas evening mid-sophomore year, where a huge decision was made. It was then that I told my parents that perhaps going back to Roosevelt wasn't the best idea. I try to pin-point the origins of my negative feelings towards CCPA and I can't really decide when it began. I was never UNHAPPY there. I had AMAZING friends and was testing my abilities as an actor, performer and individual. Some of my favorite memories came from my year and a half in Chicago. I saw Oprah, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. I saw all of the Olympians AND Oprah for a second time. I laughed, I cried and I grew up. So why is it that I STILL feel guilty about leaving everyone and my past behind.
I am reading "The Power of Now" and Eckhart Tolle continues to state that looking in the past will not help you find happiness. It will only hurt you. I think we learn from our past but like Mr. Tolle says, I also think that it is important to live in the present...for the present is what matters. Tomorrow is not guaranteed...and no point in wallowing in past mistakes or errors. But as I continue to live day to day I can't help but notice things seem to be muted. Sounds are not the same. Colors are not as vibrant and emotions are hard to tap into. When I think of this past Christmas when I made one of the most important decisions of my life, I think of how fast everything went. Within a week I went from living an independent life in Chicago to living with my family again. Not that I haven't enjoyed their company because that is anything but the truth. I have loved living back at home with the family (even though we have had our moments). One problem however, is that I have become semi-shy again. This makes me nervous because I have not been shy since I can remember.
When I initially came home from school I was bubbling with excitement for the future. Several of my Chicago friends envied me because I was leaving to "go onto bigger and better things" with my life. To take some "time off" from school and to see the REAL WORLD...not this bubble we called the acting conservatory. Living at home was fine for the first couple of months. Besides the needle in the hay sack search for a job I was enjoying rekindling old friendships and being in the comfort of my own home once again. But something was missing...I wasn't engaging in the love of my life...the drug that makes me shiver with complete euphoria...ACTING...PERFORMING...SINGING. I had a daily routine...wake up go to work, see friends, see family, stay up late then repeat. Then work some more. Work, work, work. Scooping ice cream at Ben and Jerry's is hardly artistic. In fact it isn't at all. I was not getting my high that I have lived off of for years...since I was a child. I crave it again. But NOW I feel as if I am rusty.
By a series of interesting and random events I applied to the University of Southern California and its internationally acclaimed theatre program. While I tried my hardest to get in and spent days on the application I did not want to set my hopes high. People...close friends and family included, told me to start thinking of back up plans because I "probably wouldn't get in to USC, and definitely would have issues with admissions into the theatre program". Low and behold...months later...I was accepted. I always had a slight ray of hope in me...it is what gets you through as an actor and as a person period. As Harvey Milk said, "You've got to give them HOPE". And now in mere weeks I am on my way to Los Angeles (epicenter of entertainment) to pursue my acting career as well as train at the USC's acclaimed Theatre Program. It seems now that people don't question me anymore. As my mother says to her friends, "If Braden wants something he will get it. It's that simple". I'm proud of that part of my personality. I am driven.
But the rusty part...because of this lapse in time from any form of acting or theatre or cinema I feel as though I am going to be a giant let down to the faculty and my peers, etc. I continue to invision auditions...stepping out onto the stage and just performing an EPIC FAIL. BOMBING. But I can't think like that. I also envision moving out there and being eaten by the parasites known as the millions of unknown actors, musicians and artists living in Los Angeles. But then I just have to tell myself. I got into the school for a reason. It is a sign. Not only is it a damn competitive University to get into but I ACTUALLY GOT ACCEPTED...not waitlisted or denied but ACCEPTED. I am worthy. That is all that matters. But being the sometimes melodramatic artist I am I always question the talent that people see in me. But you have to...it is what keeps you going, what makes your ego small and what forces you to keep on trying and change things up.
I have already met a bus load of USC students on Facebook (theatre and non theatre) and they have taken well to me thus far. I am living in a nice house with three fellow actors and I have (what people tell me to be...) a likeable personality. What have I got to lose. I have only dreamed and prayed for the day to come when I am jet setting to Los Angeles to pursue my acting career. I am actually pursuing it. Physically moving all of my things and myself to the other side of the country to make my dreams come true. People can't make fun of me for that. So many people are talkers...and I have been for the past semester, but now I am actually DOING IT...and that is exciting. And now as my very long and rambling blog entry comes to a close I am in a subdued yet pleasant mind set. People are cheering me on here and in Chicago. They know this is for the best and many exciting opportunities will come from this path I have decided to take. Beneath all of the absurd anxiety is excitement and absolute euphoria for the future. My only hope is that it all falls into place and I begin to see the vibrant colors I have missed for so long.
I know it will be hard but I also know that it will be fun. I will hopefully meet all of these people I have been talking to on Facebook and just fit right in. I have done this before. I am a TRANSFER...at least this isn't the first time for me. It is still fucking horrifying but I have a hand up on this game. Right now I am living on my drive and my family and friends. My old and very talented roommate and friend said to me, "Braden you will make it because you are hella talented". This is not the first time I have heard this...and that is enough to keep me going. I have nothing to prove... I just have a lot to show.
Often I wonder how the hell I got to this point. Where I am right now. Two years ago I was in a similar situation. A bright and fresh high school graduate excited but nervous as hell to journey to Chicago to become an actor...to train in a Theatre Conservatory. Yet I pulled through. I made bunches of friends, learned so many valuable lessons and became a better actor and person because of it. Then cut to Christmas evening mid-sophomore year, where a huge decision was made. It was then that I told my parents that perhaps going back to Roosevelt wasn't the best idea. I try to pin-point the origins of my negative feelings towards CCPA and I can't really decide when it began. I was never UNHAPPY there. I had AMAZING friends and was testing my abilities as an actor, performer and individual. Some of my favorite memories came from my year and a half in Chicago. I saw Oprah, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. I saw all of the Olympians AND Oprah for a second time. I laughed, I cried and I grew up. So why is it that I STILL feel guilty about leaving everyone and my past behind.
I am reading "The Power of Now" and Eckhart Tolle continues to state that looking in the past will not help you find happiness. It will only hurt you. I think we learn from our past but like Mr. Tolle says, I also think that it is important to live in the present...for the present is what matters. Tomorrow is not guaranteed...and no point in wallowing in past mistakes or errors. But as I continue to live day to day I can't help but notice things seem to be muted. Sounds are not the same. Colors are not as vibrant and emotions are hard to tap into. When I think of this past Christmas when I made one of the most important decisions of my life, I think of how fast everything went. Within a week I went from living an independent life in Chicago to living with my family again. Not that I haven't enjoyed their company because that is anything but the truth. I have loved living back at home with the family (even though we have had our moments). One problem however, is that I have become semi-shy again. This makes me nervous because I have not been shy since I can remember.
When I initially came home from school I was bubbling with excitement for the future. Several of my Chicago friends envied me because I was leaving to "go onto bigger and better things" with my life. To take some "time off" from school and to see the REAL WORLD...not this bubble we called the acting conservatory. Living at home was fine for the first couple of months. Besides the needle in the hay sack search for a job I was enjoying rekindling old friendships and being in the comfort of my own home once again. But something was missing...I wasn't engaging in the love of my life...the drug that makes me shiver with complete euphoria...ACTING...PERFORMING...SINGING. I had a daily routine...wake up go to work, see friends, see family, stay up late then repeat. Then work some more. Work, work, work. Scooping ice cream at Ben and Jerry's is hardly artistic. In fact it isn't at all. I was not getting my high that I have lived off of for years...since I was a child. I crave it again. But NOW I feel as if I am rusty.
By a series of interesting and random events I applied to the University of Southern California and its internationally acclaimed theatre program. While I tried my hardest to get in and spent days on the application I did not want to set my hopes high. People...close friends and family included, told me to start thinking of back up plans because I "probably wouldn't get in to USC, and definitely would have issues with admissions into the theatre program". Low and behold...months later...I was accepted. I always had a slight ray of hope in me...it is what gets you through as an actor and as a person period. As Harvey Milk said, "You've got to give them HOPE". And now in mere weeks I am on my way to Los Angeles (epicenter of entertainment) to pursue my acting career as well as train at the USC's acclaimed Theatre Program. It seems now that people don't question me anymore. As my mother says to her friends, "If Braden wants something he will get it. It's that simple". I'm proud of that part of my personality. I am driven.
But the rusty part...because of this lapse in time from any form of acting or theatre or cinema I feel as though I am going to be a giant let down to the faculty and my peers, etc. I continue to invision auditions...stepping out onto the stage and just performing an EPIC FAIL. BOMBING. But I can't think like that. I also envision moving out there and being eaten by the parasites known as the millions of unknown actors, musicians and artists living in Los Angeles. But then I just have to tell myself. I got into the school for a reason. It is a sign. Not only is it a damn competitive University to get into but I ACTUALLY GOT ACCEPTED...not waitlisted or denied but ACCEPTED. I am worthy. That is all that matters. But being the sometimes melodramatic artist I am I always question the talent that people see in me. But you have to...it is what keeps you going, what makes your ego small and what forces you to keep on trying and change things up.
I have already met a bus load of USC students on Facebook (theatre and non theatre) and they have taken well to me thus far. I am living in a nice house with three fellow actors and I have (what people tell me to be...) a likeable personality. What have I got to lose. I have only dreamed and prayed for the day to come when I am jet setting to Los Angeles to pursue my acting career. I am actually pursuing it. Physically moving all of my things and myself to the other side of the country to make my dreams come true. People can't make fun of me for that. So many people are talkers...and I have been for the past semester, but now I am actually DOING IT...and that is exciting. And now as my very long and rambling blog entry comes to a close I am in a subdued yet pleasant mind set. People are cheering me on here and in Chicago. They know this is for the best and many exciting opportunities will come from this path I have decided to take. Beneath all of the absurd anxiety is excitement and absolute euphoria for the future. My only hope is that it all falls into place and I begin to see the vibrant colors I have missed for so long.
I know it will be hard but I also know that it will be fun. I will hopefully meet all of these people I have been talking to on Facebook and just fit right in. I have done this before. I am a TRANSFER...at least this isn't the first time for me. It is still fucking horrifying but I have a hand up on this game. Right now I am living on my drive and my family and friends. My old and very talented roommate and friend said to me, "Braden you will make it because you are hella talented". This is not the first time I have heard this...and that is enough to keep me going. I have nothing to prove... I just have a lot to show.
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