It has been quite a long time since my last lengthy blog. I had a fantastic time in New Orleans or Nawlins as I call it. I am fairly sure I gained 10 pounds, which is a feat in itself for my high metabolism. Between the heavenly soul food, location and family...I was in heaven. I didn't worry about ANYTHING. This is rare for me. So here is where my head is at...currently, it could change as soon as the morning hits. I felt incredibly productive today. I applied to not one, but two colleges. Which is quite exasperating. I can't believe I applied to as many schools as I did when I was a senior in high school. It is HARD work. First of all you have to prove yourself on paper and then upon this, you have to be witty. Which for me involves my "Witty" button to be turned on. I wasn't going to apply to any other schools, but then I realized if I wanted a shot of getting out of Colorado, it would be wise to apply to out of state schools that I could actually get into. While I would love to attend USC in the fall, sadly, I think that I will not be accepted. I know I'm not supposed to be negative, but it is better than watching your hopes come plummeting from la-la land. But my applications are barely interesting to anyone else, let alone myself, so I will change the topic.
As I was telling my friend Karissa this evening, over Skype...I am beginning to (knock on wood) have a slighter optimistic outlook on life. I think my biggest problem is thinking TOO much. Normal people usually think about what they are going to eat for dinner, I think about if I will make it as an actor before I die. Normal people think about how good a movie is. I think about how I can get into that movie...or the next of it's kind. I obsess...about everything. Which can be good or bad. Obsessing is acceptable to a point. Obsessing about hygiene is good...but can lead to OCD. Obsessing about my passion of acting is good because it keeps me motivated...but it can lead to my insanity. But for the first time in a long time, I got this feeling in the pit of my stomach the other day that I will one day make it. That it is already in the cards for me. It was comforting. Perhaps, this is why I am becoming more mellow about my current state as a performer. Life ain't amazing, but it ain't bad. I know that I have my work ahead of me--this isn't an easy way of life, but then again nothing I do is ever easy. I was manufactured with a big heart, talent and an open mind. What else could I ask for?
The only time I relapse is when I realize individuals like Zac Efron and Miley Cyrus actually have a career. But then I realize I want to be doing Kaufman not "That's So Raven" the movie. Then I feel fine. But then there are the times when I know that I could be used currently in the film industry. But the thing is, I am in a category unlike any other. People in the industry I come across always tells me, "You are memorable and you stand out because you are so unique". While I am slowly realizing the benefits of my unique look, I am still insecure about it. People tell me I'm attractive but I just don't see it. People tell me I'm talented and it helps...but sometimes I say to myself, "What the fuck am I doing in this business? I don't have what it takes. I'm horrible". And then I give the performance of my life. I am wired differently. I don't know how everything has panned out like it has, but it has done so for a specific reason.
My love, Winslet seems to be the same way. In one interview she was talking about "Titanic" and how during the entire process she felt like they hired the wrong actor. She said, "I was horrible, I wasn't acting, I didn't know what acting was". It is so true. As an actor, I have license to say, that "acting" is quite an anomaly. The so called method actors like Bale and Penn take it so seriously, which I admire to an extent, but acting in itself is funny...it is imitating life. It shouldn't be that hard right? But yet bad actors are so bad at holding the mirror up to themselves and the world around them. So is the key to being a good actor being aware of the universe? Is the key to good acting, good imitation? There are the methods of acting that I have been exposed to, and yes, they work to some extent, but it is so subjective. Sometimes I think I'm a masochist. I don't have to be doing this to myself. But then I realize I get high off of the nerves and butterflies of an audition or callback. And I overdose on the exhilaration of an audiences applause or laughter. When a director agrees with my choices. It is all exhilarating. And as much as I complain or bitch, I love it so much. I just feel like I am getting rusty because I'm not training right now. It's been three months and I feel like I couldn't make it into a Nickelodeon Soap Opera. But then I realize, I am doing the most important work right now...I am out in the real world and observing. I find a new character every day. Sometimes without even looking. They are everywhere. And that in itself is a vital tool for the actor.
Anyhoo...don't know I got into that rant but it happened. The point is...uncertainty is apart of being an actor and living on this planet. You NEVER know what is going to happen. An actor's life can change the instant he gets a phone call for the next big film or when he doesn't get the film. It is all about living in delicious ambiguity. You can't dwell on the audition you failed or the audition you nailed. You can't assume anything. You have to live your life and the opportunities will present themselves. With this logic I have begun to realize that college will not hinder me as a performer OR an individual. A good friend of mine told me today that college would be a good fit for me because I am "so smart". I blushed. But in all honesty, since being away from hardcore text books I feel like I am a bit rusty in that department. And I want to be a Linney, Streep and Winslet...I want to be knowledgeable about my craft but about the world I live in. Why certain things work a certain way. I want to ask questions. And I want to find the answers.
