Why Should I Worry?!

So you know how sometimes you make decisions for yourself. You think you are 100% positively correct. You know the answers...you know where you are going. Well I can't say that I am sticking with my gut. I can't say that I made the right decision. I am sure when I think back to what made me decide what I decided to do it seems like it was the appropriate choice. But now...month after month I am beginning to see the aftermath of my decision. Yes I understand my life is not bad...but it is not particularly good either. Perhaps the hardest part about not being in Chicago anymore is the city, the people and the training. When I think long and hard about Roosevelt...it definately had its ups...but it also had its downs. I guess the only reason I am beginning to mourn my past there is because I can't see my friends there as often as I did. I haven't seen them for five months in fact. That is a long time. And up until now I have been surviving off the fact that I care for them deeply and that they care for me as well. It is just difficult because conservatory life is stressful. Emotionally and physically and even mentally. SO friendships can usually maintain strong if you are physically present. The first four months were successful in my talks with my friends...even if it was a thirty minute skype date...it meant the world to me. But now with the year coming to an end...and facebook pictures being posted I am beginning to reminisce about the great friends I had at Roosevelt and how much it kills me that I can't be there with them.

I have wonderful friends here in Colorado...don't get me wrong. But something about not seeing myself in those pictures with some of my greatest friends really gets me down. So then I begin to freak out and think...did I make a mistake? What the hell am I doing?! Stupid Braden. Stupid. I should have gone in debt and stayed the rest of the semester...get more of the training that I so craved and desired. But then I take a double take and think...no...I can't do it. I know this is happening for a reason right now. I just wish that I felt that the connection with my friends was as strong as it was. I always find it sad when really strong friendships begin to get washed over because of time away from one another. I know that they love me as much as I love them...and I know they are busy. I'm just being stupid...like usual...and worrying too much. But hey you don't worry about the people you don't care for. I care about them so very much. So when I leave a couple messages and don't ever receive a response it kind of hurts. But there are only so many times you can bring this up to your friend before they start getting defensive and annoyed.

I have learned a lot about myself during this time. And sadly my friends in Chicago only seem to hear the negative. But I assure the world...my family and even myself...all things happen for a reason. This is going to lead me to something. To somewhere. I have a passion, I have a drive and I have a dream...time will only tell where I am needed...where I should be. Shoot...maybe I need to go back to Chicago. I don't know. All I can say is that I am feeling rather blurg like right now. But hey...tomorrow is a new day. I work..I'm making money so that I can do something come fall and I am alive...I have to remind myself this constantly. Then I will be okay. But you know what...stress and worry is my enemy. They do not do anything to help me! They don't give me a helping hand...they don't make life easier. I have to rely on what I know and on my faith...for a better future.