Later today my family and I attended an Easter "brunch" at a family friend's house. Several things became apparent at this brunch. But amongst these things, perhaps the most striking, was how much I don't like where I am right now in life. Whatsoever. Yes, I am on a journey. I am on a path. A path that is oh so tedious and winding. However, whenever I have to explain to old faces where am I right now in life...I only get depressed. They ask me, "So how have you been?" And then I lie. "I've been great...really good in fact." And then they ask me..."But what are you doing"? And I respond with something along the lines of, "You know just chilling for the time being, trying to find a job. I'm really close to getting a job for the summer. I have been submitting for films and television and such and have been getting a lot of feedback and response, but I'm not in LA or NYC so nothing has come from my submissions. But I'm working on it". And then they look at me like I'm crazy. Like I'm making this up. My tone of voice is made up...sounds very proficient and like I know what I'm doing. When in reality I know that I'm in a rut. A large rut. I keep on telling myself that this is okay. Everyone takes time out of their lives to figure things out. But the truth is, there was never anything I had to figure out. I know where I need to be. And I know I need to get there.
I always hate going over to events like brunches at other people's houses. People want to fill silence with conversation. And just when you think they actually want to hear about you and your life, your stories, your feelings...they either walk away or change the subject. This "brunch" lasted roughly seven hours. Until I broke away. My family is still there as I write. I like these people, they are nice...but for some reason I was rubbed the wrong way today. I can't exactly describe how or why, but I was. People in Fort Collins are used to seeing the very pro-active Braden. The very self determined and self driven International Baccalaureate graduate. The "Thespian of the Year". And now it just seems like I'm playing childish games and waiting to hear from schools I either won't get into or can't afford. What they don't realize...is that amongst this purgatory I find myself in...I am still all of those things...in fact I could not be more hopeful for my dreams than I am right now. I know things take time. But sometimes, in order to jump start the journey, you have to make a change. Take a chance. I don't think anyone believes me when I tell them I am going to settle down in LA or NYC someday. I think they think I'm dreaming. I'm not. I am 100% sure of where I need to end up. I'm just trying to figure out the best way to get there.
It only makes me sad and frustrated when I see people that I like look at me like I'm just an infant. Incapable of doing anything truly. I don't play sports and I'm not your typical macho man, so there is my one big flaw already. I want to be an actor, yet I just left a theatre conservatory so obviously I am delusional if I think I would ever make it as a professional actor. I'm not your typical Brad Pitt figure, so I'm not meant to be in the pictures. All of these things just make me that much more driven. You have no idea. What the hell is stopping me from doing what I want to do? Nothing nor no one. And the thing is, I don't think they really know that. I will not compromise my big dreams and my goals for anything. Which is why being here is slowly killing me. I know this is time for me to re cooperate and re adjust my personal life. But come fall, if I am still here...things are going to change. In a big way. I want to be proud of where I am and what I am doing once again. I want people to come see me in my shows. To be performing again. To study. To learn. Shoot, if it was up to me a month and a half ago I would be on my way to Los Angeles right now. No school, just work and pursuing my acting. But I know this would not fly. And I do want my parents to be proud of me. But I also want them to take me seriously. Every time I tell them of a casting agent calling or emailing me they shrug and ask when I'm going to find a real job.
I don't know when, I don't know how, but I know something's coming. Maybe not this INSTANT but in the future. There are those actors like Debra Messing. Her parents encouraged her acting but said a collegiate background was necessary. And look what became of her. I just have to tell myself the same can come from me. I am capable. I am talented. And I am so eager to be apart of this business. This craft that I so love.
Another reason I was perhaps rubbed the wrong way this evening was listening to the blatant ignorance and judgment of people. Describing how a person's appearance obviously means they are a certain way. If they are chubby they are funny and pathetic at the same time. How apparently you can tell if someone is gay...which I admit is sometimes obvious, but more often not. I don't know. I guess I am a little disappointed. Conservative or even liberal, people can be harsh and ignorant. I would not want anyone to judge me the way that I see people often judge others. Sadly, it happens a lot. But being a victim of this harsh judgment I have become extremely open minded and saddened whenever I see harsh judgments being passed on others besides myself. In the end ultimately you can think whatever the fuck you want about me, but I will still be me and I will still be the only person on this planet who truly knows how I feel at any given moment. I will be the only one who has known all of my secrets, and what I do behind closed doors and who I want to become. You can pass judgment on my appearance, on my voice, on my topics of discussion or even on my hobbies or passions...but in the end, you don't know shit about what I've been through. So go ahead everybody, pass judgment on your friends. On your neighbors. On people you don't even know. But let me ask you one thing...how would you feel if I critiqued every little thing about you without really knowing you? You may have won the Noble Peace Prize but because you have greasy hair or talk higher than a bass I think your pathetic and "gay".
I guess I'm just disappointed in us. In me. In you. Yes, you are allowed to have your opinion. But why must you share it with others in a harsh matter? Why continue to orchestrate hate? This is a serious problem that really upsets me. Intolerance. You preach til the sun rises...you save people, but then you damn them to hell the next day. It just does not add up. In a world filled with negatives, there is so much positive. The same goes for beauty. This world is so beautiful. So why must we focus on bringing each other down...on the ugly facets of humanity? I dunno. Seven hour brunches usually get me thinking.
I always hate going over to events like brunches at other people's houses. People want to fill silence with conversation. And just when you think they actually want to hear about you and your life, your stories, your feelings...they either walk away or change the subject. This "brunch" lasted roughly seven hours. Until I broke away. My family is still there as I write. I like these people, they are nice...but for some reason I was rubbed the wrong way today. I can't exactly describe how or why, but I was. People in Fort Collins are used to seeing the very pro-active Braden. The very self determined and self driven International Baccalaureate graduate. The "Thespian of the Year". And now it just seems like I'm playing childish games and waiting to hear from schools I either won't get into or can't afford. What they don't realize...is that amongst this purgatory I find myself in...I am still all of those things...in fact I could not be more hopeful for my dreams than I am right now. I know things take time. But sometimes, in order to jump start the journey, you have to make a change. Take a chance. I don't think anyone believes me when I tell them I am going to settle down in LA or NYC someday. I think they think I'm dreaming. I'm not. I am 100% sure of where I need to end up. I'm just trying to figure out the best way to get there.
It only makes me sad and frustrated when I see people that I like look at me like I'm just an infant. Incapable of doing anything truly. I don't play sports and I'm not your typical macho man, so there is my one big flaw already. I want to be an actor, yet I just left a theatre conservatory so obviously I am delusional if I think I would ever make it as a professional actor. I'm not your typical Brad Pitt figure, so I'm not meant to be in the pictures. All of these things just make me that much more driven. You have no idea. What the hell is stopping me from doing what I want to do? Nothing nor no one. And the thing is, I don't think they really know that. I will not compromise my big dreams and my goals for anything. Which is why being here is slowly killing me. I know this is time for me to re cooperate and re adjust my personal life. But come fall, if I am still here...things are going to change. In a big way. I want to be proud of where I am and what I am doing once again. I want people to come see me in my shows. To be performing again. To study. To learn. Shoot, if it was up to me a month and a half ago I would be on my way to Los Angeles right now. No school, just work and pursuing my acting. But I know this would not fly. And I do want my parents to be proud of me. But I also want them to take me seriously. Every time I tell them of a casting agent calling or emailing me they shrug and ask when I'm going to find a real job.
I don't know when, I don't know how, but I know something's coming. Maybe not this INSTANT but in the future. There are those actors like Debra Messing. Her parents encouraged her acting but said a collegiate background was necessary. And look what became of her. I just have to tell myself the same can come from me. I am capable. I am talented. And I am so eager to be apart of this business. This craft that I so love.
Another reason I was perhaps rubbed the wrong way this evening was listening to the blatant ignorance and judgment of people. Describing how a person's appearance obviously means they are a certain way. If they are chubby they are funny and pathetic at the same time. How apparently you can tell if someone is gay...which I admit is sometimes obvious, but more often not. I don't know. I guess I am a little disappointed. Conservative or even liberal, people can be harsh and ignorant. I would not want anyone to judge me the way that I see people often judge others. Sadly, it happens a lot. But being a victim of this harsh judgment I have become extremely open minded and saddened whenever I see harsh judgments being passed on others besides myself. In the end ultimately you can think whatever the fuck you want about me, but I will still be me and I will still be the only person on this planet who truly knows how I feel at any given moment. I will be the only one who has known all of my secrets, and what I do behind closed doors and who I want to become. You can pass judgment on my appearance, on my voice, on my topics of discussion or even on my hobbies or passions...but in the end, you don't know shit about what I've been through. So go ahead everybody, pass judgment on your friends. On your neighbors. On people you don't even know. But let me ask you one thing...how would you feel if I critiqued every little thing about you without really knowing you? You may have won the Noble Peace Prize but because you have greasy hair or talk higher than a bass I think your pathetic and "gay".
I guess I'm just disappointed in us. In me. In you. Yes, you are allowed to have your opinion. But why must you share it with others in a harsh matter? Why continue to orchestrate hate? This is a serious problem that really upsets me. Intolerance. You preach til the sun rises...you save people, but then you damn them to hell the next day. It just does not add up. In a world filled with negatives, there is so much positive. The same goes for beauty. This world is so beautiful. So why must we focus on bringing each other down...on the ugly facets of humanity? I dunno. Seven hour brunches usually get me thinking.
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