Butterflies.

My head is pounding. That is the first thing I notice as I begin to write my blog. My stomach aches...but in the "I'm scared to go on that roller coaster" way. I have recently returned from a lovely day in Denver with the Momma and family...it is mother's day. I love my Momma. We went to the Denver Art Museum...which we all thoroughly enjoyed...and then had a great mother's day dinner at, "Gumbos"...a delightfully delicious Cajun restaurant in the heart of Denver. What a great meal it was...I am still stuffed. But yet I feel the butterflies. That infamous retching feeling you get in your stomach when you are about to go on a stage. It is happening again.

Behind all of this is an immense wad of confusion. Perhaps I will be less nervous when I actually know what is going to happen come fall. But as a friend said, "revel in the unknown". I can partially enjoy this statement. The unknown, while frightening, always contains an element of excitement. But as I said to myself the other day...amidst a solo dance party..."I am the master of my destiny!" It's true you know. That is the beauty of life. You have the ability to change the future...you have the ability to weasel out of a sticky situation. This being said, no matter how much you change your course, your destiny is hovering over you. And hopefully, just hopefully you will be lead down the right path to your destiny...even if you have to go back to your original destination or change your course and head in the opposite direction.

Currently I am amidst a giant map of my life. I see all of the places I have lived...Vermont, Louisiana, Idaho, Colorado, Chicago...and I see all of the places I want to be...and somewhere amongst this map is a thin line called "my future". I can't really see where it is heading. That is the point about the future. You can only know so much about what is to come. That is why it is called life. That is why we go through painful things...things we don't expect...because it is all apart of life. As I write I can think of three options for the fall...even though I have yet to receive notification from my California schools.

That aside, I see a comfort zone...a location that is not too far away from my house, my family and my roots. It would be easier...but opportunities would be sparse for several years. Then I see another location...one that only exists in my dreams. One that could potentially have really great connections and opportunities...but is over populated and risky. Then the third possible location is one I thought I would never re-trace over. I know I left it for some reason...but it is calling me ever so quietly. Whispering in my ear. Regardless of what path I decide to take...it will be complicated. It will be hard and it will be a challenge I have to surpass. But I chose this the minute I decided to left. The minute I said to myself...I need time off. I need a break. I did that to myself. I knew I would be making things complicated. And yes...I could just walk off to Los Angeles and by some slight possibility land something big...but I don't want to take my chances just yet without a degree. I told myself and my family a long time ago that I would get a degree. I owe it to myself.

Maybe it all comes down to the fact that I need to realize you can't always be happy. There is always going to be a downfall. But you need to find happiness wherever you may be. "Happiness is a journey not a destination". And "The great opportunity is where you are. Every place is under the stars. Every place is the center of the universe." Right? I just need to look at this with the glass have full. I realize it is kind of hard to see through this when most of my friends are now juniors in college and I am still a second semester sophomore. Blurg. But you can't change the past. You just can't. Maybe I'm afraid to leave my family again...in case something happens. There are so many things I am afraid of. But I can only pray and hope that God will keep a watchful eye on me, the people and the organisms in my life.

Another thing to be learned...the grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side. I thought a semester off would be glorious. I learned from that. It has been great...and not so great...it has been an experience. Life is an experience. Whether it is good or bad...it is an experience. I just need to be sure that I don't go back to a situation I tried to previously escape without fully evaluating the side effects of such a decision.

All that I can do is wake up each day...thank the Lord I am alive and do something with the gifts and body that I have been given. Make a change. Even if it just in one person. A smile. A friendly gesture...extra sprinkles on an ice cream cone at work...anything. I am an instrument. I'm not going to go to waste...I'm going to thrive. Not just survive...thrive.

Wow...that was long.

Happy Mama's Day...I'm going to go give my Momma a hug right now. Peace.