I don't know how to document how I am feeling right now. I am surrounded by pale blue walls. They seem cold. Naked. I'm alone...curled up in my chair...pretending like I am oblivious to the event that will transpire tomorrow. This is truly an out of body experience. It is like I'm maneuvering some abstract character around in a video game. Except I am not quite sure what direction the character is going. I'd like to think that he is going the right way, but only the creator of the video game knows. It is my job to explore what way is the "right way". I don't believe in a "right way"...so this may be hard.
I hate goodbyes...
...I always have. Since I could remember, I have always been so emotional when it comes to the art of a goodbye. It is cruel. You see people that you love constantly, you enjoy them, you take them in...and then they are gone. You are gone. I know for the most part that I am not saying goodbye...but being in this ever changing and harsh world, you never know if it is goodbye. A life can end in a split second. A mere moment. You don't get to say goodbye. I guess that is why I am so paranoid that when I do say goodbye, it could be my last.
I feel like I am in some obscure painting. It is completely tangible but so abstract to comprehend. The notion that an idea triggered a process...and that process triggered change. I'm not the biggest fan of change either, this is why it is so hard. Why is it that in most cases, in order to progress, you have to change everything? I have learned to adapt but somehow it never gets easier. This is no exception. I find myself loving the things I once complained about. Loving my squeaky, unstable and lofted twin bed. The excruciatingly loud siren that beckons twelve floors below. The slow pedestrians. The bitter wind. They all seem like my favorite things right now.
The best way I can explain this is...is...it is like I'm going to my own funeral. Like I killed myself and forgot the consequences. How many people it would effect...the people I love the most. My best friends...my family for the past year and a half.
No one is here...with the exception of a couple familiar faces. It makes it harder. Although, I still feel like a walking ghost. I'm here...I'm present...but something is missing. I'm trying to figure out if it would be better to see everyone...or...depart modestly...leaving my legacy behind. If walls could talk. They would bitch about the endless scenarios they have seen between my friends and I for the past year a half. A lot of drama has occurred...but what is more important...is that a lot of good times have transpired. They echo in my mind right now. Sleep overs, study sessions, dance parties, hours upon hours of discussions on sex. These memories will never grow old or be tiring.
I'm getting choked up just thinking about it. I feel like I am putting myself through torture...and there isn't a reward for it...yet. I have no definite result in the near future. An open road...clear of anything lurks ahead. Now, gauging the amount of bumps along the way...that is something I will find out on my course. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited. Thrilled even, at the mere fact that I am empowering myself. Even as I write, I know deep down, that I am making a decision for myself. The decision has been made. I could relinquish from the situation and return to the norm...but I would be stupid to do so. Instincts like these must be followed.
Where would we be if Columbus didn't think the world was flat? Where would we be if Parks didn't take a stand? We call these individuals pioneers. Because they blazed a new path. A new ideology...and new hope. Hope. It runs through my veins. It is was I am riding on at this point. It is too early to judge what the coming months will bring...but even now, I am too nervous to ponder on such thoughts. I know, I have to enjoy the present. Take in my surroundings. I am...but the thought of leaving is creeping up on me. Possessing. I guess I know how crazy people feel.
While I am not a fan of the goodbye...my biggest regret...is that I didn't get a proper one. Opposing forces made that virtually impossible. So here I sit. In the same seat where I accomplished hours upon hours of homework, essays, creative works, plays, poetry and experience. It is early, early morning on the eve of New Years 2009, and I sit alone. I hope this isn't foreshadowing anything. Although I can't figure out which one is worse. Live a lonely and frigid life...or live the opposite--which only leads to being open and vulnerable. An individual who is lonely doesn't depend on anyone. They don't open up or create life long friendships. The other person on the other hand does, and when he or she is in a situation like the one I dwell in currently, they are confronted with utter misery.
I'm a masochist.
Only a masochist would put himself through such torture. Such grief. Such torment. But then again, masochists are interesting. I'd rather be interesting than boring. I'd rather blaze a trail than lay frozen in my tracks...incompetent. I'm doing this for me. But I am also doing this for my family, friends and mentors. I'm doing this because I am entitled to empowering myself. I am entitled to happiness. And while happiness exists in this world something is missing. I must open a new portal to a new world. I will bring every single memory with me. These memories are the threads which have woven the tapestry I call me. I am a changed person because of this world. It has left an imprint on my heart.
Like a ghost, I will dwell here for the rest of my life. A part of me will always be firmly rooted in this ground. But roots grow long and strong. They expand...sometimes for miles, but they always start from the same place. My adulthood began here. My independence began here. My first loves and experiences began here. My eyes have been opened here. I am no longer naive or completely oblivious or arrogant of reality. It is a cruel and harsh bitch that has frequently been giving me wake up calls. But that is when I am able to check in. Able to comprehend how much I have been given and how much I want to do with it. There is something blowing in the winds above this building and Lake Michigan. It is change. It is a bold and powerful force that will conquer my life. While I may not currently be ready, it will sweep me up and carry me. Cradle me in its arms until I AM ready.
And so, friends...my family--I. Love. You. No other words can summarize my feelings for you. This is not the end...trust me. This is the beginning for me....but like all books, you can always return to the first chapters...if you like.
I hate goodbyes...
...I always have. Since I could remember, I have always been so emotional when it comes to the art of a goodbye. It is cruel. You see people that you love constantly, you enjoy them, you take them in...and then they are gone. You are gone. I know for the most part that I am not saying goodbye...but being in this ever changing and harsh world, you never know if it is goodbye. A life can end in a split second. A mere moment. You don't get to say goodbye. I guess that is why I am so paranoid that when I do say goodbye, it could be my last.
I feel like I am in some obscure painting. It is completely tangible but so abstract to comprehend. The notion that an idea triggered a process...and that process triggered change. I'm not the biggest fan of change either, this is why it is so hard. Why is it that in most cases, in order to progress, you have to change everything? I have learned to adapt but somehow it never gets easier. This is no exception. I find myself loving the things I once complained about. Loving my squeaky, unstable and lofted twin bed. The excruciatingly loud siren that beckons twelve floors below. The slow pedestrians. The bitter wind. They all seem like my favorite things right now.
The best way I can explain this is...is...it is like I'm going to my own funeral. Like I killed myself and forgot the consequences. How many people it would effect...the people I love the most. My best friends...my family for the past year and a half.
No one is here...with the exception of a couple familiar faces. It makes it harder. Although, I still feel like a walking ghost. I'm here...I'm present...but something is missing. I'm trying to figure out if it would be better to see everyone...or...depart modestly...leaving my legacy behind. If walls could talk. They would bitch about the endless scenarios they have seen between my friends and I for the past year a half. A lot of drama has occurred...but what is more important...is that a lot of good times have transpired. They echo in my mind right now. Sleep overs, study sessions, dance parties, hours upon hours of discussions on sex. These memories will never grow old or be tiring.
I'm getting choked up just thinking about it. I feel like I am putting myself through torture...and there isn't a reward for it...yet. I have no definite result in the near future. An open road...clear of anything lurks ahead. Now, gauging the amount of bumps along the way...that is something I will find out on my course. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited. Thrilled even, at the mere fact that I am empowering myself. Even as I write, I know deep down, that I am making a decision for myself. The decision has been made. I could relinquish from the situation and return to the norm...but I would be stupid to do so. Instincts like these must be followed.
Where would we be if Columbus didn't think the world was flat? Where would we be if Parks didn't take a stand? We call these individuals pioneers. Because they blazed a new path. A new ideology...and new hope. Hope. It runs through my veins. It is was I am riding on at this point. It is too early to judge what the coming months will bring...but even now, I am too nervous to ponder on such thoughts. I know, I have to enjoy the present. Take in my surroundings. I am...but the thought of leaving is creeping up on me. Possessing. I guess I know how crazy people feel.
While I am not a fan of the goodbye...my biggest regret...is that I didn't get a proper one. Opposing forces made that virtually impossible. So here I sit. In the same seat where I accomplished hours upon hours of homework, essays, creative works, plays, poetry and experience. It is early, early morning on the eve of New Years 2009, and I sit alone. I hope this isn't foreshadowing anything. Although I can't figure out which one is worse. Live a lonely and frigid life...or live the opposite--which only leads to being open and vulnerable. An individual who is lonely doesn't depend on anyone. They don't open up or create life long friendships. The other person on the other hand does, and when he or she is in a situation like the one I dwell in currently, they are confronted with utter misery.
I'm a masochist.
Only a masochist would put himself through such torture. Such grief. Such torment. But then again, masochists are interesting. I'd rather be interesting than boring. I'd rather blaze a trail than lay frozen in my tracks...incompetent. I'm doing this for me. But I am also doing this for my family, friends and mentors. I'm doing this because I am entitled to empowering myself. I am entitled to happiness. And while happiness exists in this world something is missing. I must open a new portal to a new world. I will bring every single memory with me. These memories are the threads which have woven the tapestry I call me. I am a changed person because of this world. It has left an imprint on my heart.
Like a ghost, I will dwell here for the rest of my life. A part of me will always be firmly rooted in this ground. But roots grow long and strong. They expand...sometimes for miles, but they always start from the same place. My adulthood began here. My independence began here. My first loves and experiences began here. My eyes have been opened here. I am no longer naive or completely oblivious or arrogant of reality. It is a cruel and harsh bitch that has frequently been giving me wake up calls. But that is when I am able to check in. Able to comprehend how much I have been given and how much I want to do with it. There is something blowing in the winds above this building and Lake Michigan. It is change. It is a bold and powerful force that will conquer my life. While I may not currently be ready, it will sweep me up and carry me. Cradle me in its arms until I AM ready.
And so, friends...my family--I. Love. You. No other words can summarize my feelings for you. This is not the end...trust me. This is the beginning for me....but like all books, you can always return to the first chapters...if you like.
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