Clutter.

It is a pretty scary thing. Coming to terms with yourself. And so when you make nice with yourself and accept yourself for who you are...the barriers shatter and you realize...you become a lot happier. There will always be that one person or that group of people that won't accept you for who you are. But you know what...as they always say...I would rather someone hate me for who I am then someone love me for something I am not. Clutter is never a good thing in someone's life. It can become an obstacle. It can swallow you whole and drive you insane. That is why ever so slowly...every day...you have to work at abstracting the clutter in your life. The negatives. The guilt. The secrets. The lies. What use is worrying about the clutter and trash when you could be enjoying life. I may not be fully accepting of myself yet...and I know it will take time to become comfortable in my own skin, but God as my witness...I will be content about who I am one day...because while I may not realize it yet I know that others see how great of a human being I am.

You Win Some. You Lose Some.

Let me speak frankly for the next several minutes. After viewing Peter Jackson's The Lovely Bones, I am at a loss of complete coherence...so forgive the rambling. The movie wasn't the most amazing but it brought up a lot of deep thoughts on life and what happens after life. The movie inspired me to read the book which I just received as a Christmas present from one of my friends back in Colorado. Anyhoo...I am not blogging about The Lovely Bones...I am talking about life...which kind of has to deal with the film I suppose. Here is the thing: life is unexpected. You win some. You lose some. You may think you have it down...and then you get a wild card thrown at you. This much is true in my profession...even on the collegiate theatre level. You nail an audition...feel really good about it (and see that the director liked it too) but then you don't get a callback. Do you completely freak out? Or do you figure out what went wrong? Neither...because worrying about it on any level won't do you ANY good. It is a funny thing...empathy. Especially in the acting world...and in such a setting as a theatre school. You arrive at the callboard buzzing with nerves and anxiety for the outcome. What is going to happen? I'm going to walk up to that board and scan nervously. I either see my name and do jumping jacks in my head...or literally do jumping jacks. Or there is the alternative...I walk up to the board and scan nervously...and continue to scan...and continue to scan...take a moment to walk away...then return to the board nervously...hoping my eyes misread the first time. My name is not on the board. Deep breath. Don't let anyone know your ego has been bitch slapped just a little. Smile. Nod. Then say how happy you are for the others. Then walk away.

That would be the normal thing to do...that us actors all do too well.

But today when I arrived at the callboard at school I was surprised at how well I handled my fate. You see here is the thing: unlike a majority of the people who auditioned for EVERY SINGLE SHOW available, I only auditioned for two: Into the Woods and Grapes of Wrath. Unlike a majority of these people I have literally been in rehearsals since August between A Dream Play and Urinetown...which I am currently wrapping up here shortly. The point is: I have been working. Loving it...for most of the time and struggling through the stress. But at the end of the day I can say I have been very productive. Being that I found some sort of inspiration to blog this evening at nearly 2am this blog is a little long winded and unscripted to apologize for my frank thoughts. I wouldn't lie to you...whoever you are that finds this blog. This blog is for me mainly. Therapeutic. Mainly I like the sound and feeling of the key board clicking as I type freakishly fast. Anyhoo...tangent...where was I...auditions...right...the usual...the point is my auditions this week came amidst long hours in class and Urinetown rehearsals. And yet I performed two GREAT auditions for both shows. As an actor you always know when your performance was on in an audition and my performance WAS on in my musical audition and later on for the BFA show. It is a rare and amazing moment when a director says to you, "That was a treat. Thank you so much for that...seriously". Trust me...it is my pleasure to find a director calling my work "a treat". But long story short...I did not get called back for Into the Woods and have yet to find out about the BFA show. But here is my thought process...

When I took a double take at that big board filled with names and characters and room numbers and times...and saw that my name was not on the board...as I had grown so accustomed to. I didn't blame myself. I didn't blame the directors. I didn't blame peers or fellow actors. I instead accepted the fact that I was not exactly what the director was looking for and that I could still walk away from that board with my dignity in tact because I know I had an awesome audition. Sure it is kind of a bitch when friends/fellow cast mates of yours DID get called back and they feel all awkward when you congratulate them but they don't know what to say back since they can't be like, "Congrats to you too...". The funny thing is at that point...I am probably over it and the other person is just standing their like a woodland creature in the headlights. What I am trying to say is that I have faced rejection and critique practically all my life...and I have had too many tantrums and pity parties to go through it again. I am a professional. If I ever want to truly work in this industry like I have been I need to continue being positive and hopeful for my future. Of course I'm not going to say I wouldn't have like to have been on that list...I would have loved to be in Into the Woods or at least be called back and try to show them more of what I had to offer...but clearly they were going for a specific look (ahem...height more like it...) but there is still the delicious ambiguity of Grapes of Wrath (I seem to alternate between straights plays and musicals). Who knows...perhaps the director told the "Woods" director that she had a part in mind for me...or perhaps she didn't. I might not be in the show at all...but you know what. I wouldn't mind that. I would love to continue to work as an actor and learn in such an environment while I still can...but if its not in the cards...its not in the cards. You can't force things. Everything...and I mean everything happens for a reason. There are so many exciting things happening outside of USC's theatre community that I want to have a part of. I mean come on, I moved to Hollywood and Los Angeles for a reason. I want to begin looking for agents and working on internships and going out on auditions...being a REAL REAL REAL REAL actor. I am so thankful for the experiences I have had at USC thus far (as far as theatre, etc goes) because it has given me the opportunity to flourish again into the fun loving individual that I am and connect with new casts and families. The glass isn't even half full or empty--its bubbling over with possibility. 2010 is the year of positivity, adventures, growth and new experiences. I could be like a majority of the people who walk up to that board and shatter like a porcelain doll...but I am not going to let ONE college show get in the way of what I want to do. So here's to whatever happens with the shows this semester...cause God knows I will have my hands full no matter what! I'll drink to that!

Inspirations

The following have inspired me and excited me once again about being an actor and having the possibility to work in such an amazing industry (when done right).

Recess...Snow.

Twisty turvy. That is the only way I can explain how I feel right now. Twisty...turvy. This grade school description of myself is more complicated then it seems. It is as if I am on the playground during recess...exposed to so much but confused with what to do with it all. This game of hello and goodbye takes a toll on my wee little mind. I tell myself take a break yet I continue to stress myself out. I tell myself I'm making dinner for family and friends and they say you are making it for your friends not us. It is kind of funny how everything gets warped--emotions, intentions, events, words, speech...I don't really know what to think of anything really right now. I have certain things I am excited for and certain things I am not. Being home is a blessing and in the rare moment a curse. Just when I get too comfortable something comes to bite me in the ass. Life. You bitchy mistress. But I am not going to dwell on the negative because I swore to myself that this year: 2010 and the new year would mark a year of positivity and adventures.

I need to realize that sometimes you are just going to feel like the bottom of a toilet. Like you want to give up on your dreams and your goals. But then there will be inspirational days where you want to rejoice and proclaim how happy you are out loud. There will always be hello's and goodbye's...I must realize this above all. I invest so many emotions into whatever I do that sometimes it doesn't feel like I am actually living or feeling them at all. It is like adolescence all over again...I mean technically I still am a child...going on 21 soon...but it is just all so confusing. Do I want to play four square with friends, hop scotch, jungle gym, tag, capture the flag...or do I just want to sit out of any sort of recess game and observe. I don't know. But that is the good/bad thing about life--you don't have to know everything at any given moment. Living in ambiguity is sometimes a good thing. I often say that when you become too comfortable you have to change things up because while being comfortable is often a good thing it can often leave to your demise as well. You make mistakes and you learn from them, if not the first time, hopefully by the 10000th.

I am going back to a school I have only been at for a semester. Even though I still know people there now I have only been there for a semester. And unlike some people who make 10000707968 acquaintances I make a dozen really really close friends and keep up with acquaintances. So being back in a school where only some know me is a little precarious. But it is okay. I am going to keep on doing my thing like I have been and hopefully people will notice me along the way. It is snowing on my last full day in Colorado. I am enjoying it. It comforts me. Off to get my hairs cut.

Can't Go Back Now.

Humans are infinitely more interesting then most species I have ever studied on the Discovery Channel or while watching "Planet Earth". I just watched the documentary "American Teen" tonight and was flushed with waves of differing emotions. The documentary follows five teens in Warsaw, Indiana and their friends/families. It follows them throughout their senior year and the beginnings of their college experiences. There is the indie girl, the popular Homecoming Queen, the Geek, Basketball Player/Jock and the knock out. It was so funny to watch such a documentary because it was like looking through the looking glass of my past. I saw bits of myself in every one of them but mostly was reminded how entertaining and complex the average adolescent is. This was besides a fun night of games and laughter the perfect remedy for my latest state that I was in prior to the evening.

I find myself extremely confused with life in general. I am in a vortex of fear, frustration and happiness. Watching these fairly sad and pathetic individuals (all very different and from different walks of life) experience life and come to terms with their own battles was very refreshing and reminded me that I am not a lone in these life experiences. Everyone goes through the horrors of puberty and yes eventually the horrors of growing up and becoming a man or a woman. I find that I am constantly worrying about what is to come instead of enjoying the present moments life gives me. Whether they are awkward, exhilarating or horrifying they are still moments I need to find myself present in. I was telling someone today that while break isn't over for another week and a half I still can only think about leaving to go back to school and how depressing that is that I am leaving my family and such. And then I realized that life is just a series of entrances and exits. Perhaps I am just incredibly supple and sensitive at this stage in my life. I have changed immensely within the past year and even more so within the past four months in California. Roughly one year ago I made the decision and told my parents I should leave Roosevelt and Chicago and now my life has literally done a 180.

Life is a series of random yet fateful situations. Change. Change. Change. Survival of the fittest. Watching those five adolescents go through the same trials and tribulations and changes into college, I realized that while it is so easy to only think of your own troubles and hardships you need to realize that EVERYONE is experiencing the same thing. No one wants to leave the comfort of their home at the end of the day. I am glad I have learned to be independent and survive on my own in two major cities: Chicago and Los Angeles...but lets face it at the end of the day I want my mommy and daddy and brothers/dogs and cat at my side. While I am very apprehensive of the stress that will consume every single orifice of my body when I return to L.A. I know that it is all progressive and will be worth my while. I just need to remember the following: I am alive, well and learning. I am on a journey. My entire body and back may be threaded with knots from stress but in the end I need to realize it is all about this incredibly ride called life. As silly as that sounds it is so very true. I signed on for a hard life the minute I realized what I wanted in my life and what I wanted to accomplish. And you know what? I would not ask for anything less! It is incredibly easy to give up or relinquish from a battle...I am here to stay and here to fight on for the sake of my dreams, my family and friends and my destiny. As hard as it is to say you have been given one body and you have to work with you have because at the end of the day regardless of if you are in a relationship or lie in a bed at night by yourself....you answer to one person at the end of the day and that is yourself...and God if you are spiritual. So why try to alter and change what you have been given? Live in the complexities and learn from the errors. It is the imperfections and quirks that make someone interesting. After-all we are not made of plastic but living, breathing flesh.

Peter Pan.

I'm like a bittersweet cookie at the moment. Hot one minute then cold the next. I'm proud of the things I have accomplished and anxious for the future. I try to find myself at home in my skin but seize to find a place. It is as if the line has been drawn. I'm home but I am not home. I'm smiling but not inside. I get that glimpse of freedom, that glimpse of happiness at the oddest moments. The sun shining just the perfect way. Basking in the perfect weather. The slightest touch of a snow flake on my skin. When you go out and play in the snow then come back inside and cuddle in warm pj's--the little things get me. But alas, I feel like a cartoon at times. As if I am walking along the street and a giant dark cloud is hovering over me. I don't want to have a pity party but I feel like if growing up means losing all emotion and excitement then I mine as well stay a child all of my life. I will be Peter Pan. The end.

A Letter to Myself.

Everything at some point deteriorates. Metal rusts, people age and soft skin turns into wrinkly sand paper. New laptops get old and crash, new bikes grow rickety and tires pop. Love is made and love is broken. Life is beautiful but also a cruel bitch waiting to give you one in the face. Everyday I see both sides of life: the beautiful things and the ugly things. On one side I am performing daily and through this I experience a severe amount of joy and of course some heartache because performing is indeed a labor of love. Every day I come a little bit closer to being comfortable in my skin and living an open and honest life, but then I become insecure again from the slightest trigger. You wake up some mornings and actually like what you see in the mirror. You wake up some mornings and want to cry from what you see in the mirror. It is life. A constant and ever changing reality. I can't really complain about my life right now--besides the fact that I am ridiculously busy and need Christmas to be here, but is that ever a bad thing? At least I am working hard and am working towards something.

Yes, in comparison to a starving child in Africa I have it pretty damn good. But as a human being you can't help but be drawn to the dark side. Life eventually becomes slightly muted in color and energy and you begin to stumble into a sort of depression. The moments when I am most happy are when I am either performing or with friends and family. This makes sense--given my profession. I don't know if it is the fact that I literally rearranged my life in the course of a year and everything happened so fast, but I feel like I lost a part of me along the way. I feel like I am just the body of Braden going through the motions complacently for the most part. Occasionally I receive a blissful glimpse of genuine amazement or wonder, but then it comes sky rocketing down on me and I lose it. Christmas time is approaching and I always have enjoyed Christmas. Something magical comes from the holiday seasons--even the red cups at Starbucks get me going. But this year I just feel like a robot even in my own home. During Thanksgiving break I felt like a puppet--moving seamlessly yet shallowly. This needs to change. Perhaps this is just a part of growing up. There was a time when Braden didn't give two fucks what someone thought about him. What happened to that? Where is the fearless Braden that existed two mere years ago? I want him back.