Recess...Snow.

Twisty turvy. That is the only way I can explain how I feel right now. Twisty...turvy. This grade school description of myself is more complicated then it seems. It is as if I am on the playground during recess...exposed to so much but confused with what to do with it all. This game of hello and goodbye takes a toll on my wee little mind. I tell myself take a break yet I continue to stress myself out. I tell myself I'm making dinner for family and friends and they say you are making it for your friends not us. It is kind of funny how everything gets warped--emotions, intentions, events, words, speech...I don't really know what to think of anything really right now. I have certain things I am excited for and certain things I am not. Being home is a blessing and in the rare moment a curse. Just when I get too comfortable something comes to bite me in the ass. Life. You bitchy mistress. But I am not going to dwell on the negative because I swore to myself that this year: 2010 and the new year would mark a year of positivity and adventures.

I need to realize that sometimes you are just going to feel like the bottom of a toilet. Like you want to give up on your dreams and your goals. But then there will be inspirational days where you want to rejoice and proclaim how happy you are out loud. There will always be hello's and goodbye's...I must realize this above all. I invest so many emotions into whatever I do that sometimes it doesn't feel like I am actually living or feeling them at all. It is like adolescence all over again...I mean technically I still am a child...going on 21 soon...but it is just all so confusing. Do I want to play four square with friends, hop scotch, jungle gym, tag, capture the flag...or do I just want to sit out of any sort of recess game and observe. I don't know. But that is the good/bad thing about life--you don't have to know everything at any given moment. Living in ambiguity is sometimes a good thing. I often say that when you become too comfortable you have to change things up because while being comfortable is often a good thing it can often leave to your demise as well. You make mistakes and you learn from them, if not the first time, hopefully by the 10000th.

I am going back to a school I have only been at for a semester. Even though I still know people there now I have only been there for a semester. And unlike some people who make 10000707968 acquaintances I make a dozen really really close friends and keep up with acquaintances. So being back in a school where only some know me is a little precarious. But it is okay. I am going to keep on doing my thing like I have been and hopefully people will notice me along the way. It is snowing on my last full day in Colorado. I am enjoying it. It comforts me. Off to get my hairs cut.