Machine.

I am a machine.
I must take care of myself.
And make sure everything is running well.

Love Belongs to Hallmark.

This world revolves around the notion of love. You can run from it, but you will not succeed. Songs, films, books, plays...it seems it is the only thing we resort to when needing to create something. Love is the be all, end all. Love is a catalyst for everything. Just take a look at every single country song ever made! Love is what makes the world go round, when money is not in the picture. I'm not talking about the ability to love, or the love one should have toward his mother/father/brother/sister or friend...but the love we so often see circulated in our society. The archetypal image of Romeo and Juliet. Boy finds girl, falls in love with girl...and a wonderful ending with weddings and honey moons somehow tied in. The overly melodramatic notion of love that everyone seems to be striving toward. Only occasionally do people find it normal or okay to be single. But to most, it is the end of life. How can you live if you can't live for another person? Sex. How can you be happy without sex? How can you procreate? How can you start a family? How can you be normal? I'm almost twenty and am already beginning to hear the pressures.

"I was twenty when I started dating your father."

I don't care. Sadly. It will be a while until I find my "love" because to be perfectly honest I am not looking or in need of one right now. Don't get me wrong, I would love to be loved and to love someone on such an intimate level. But I am in the process of figuring myself out...and I don't have time to dedicate to someone else on that level...I am not ready. I have screwed up in the past, and I would not want to do that to the next person I find myself with. It just would not be fair. But apparently people think that your life is over when you are not with someone. Our society is so frustrating. And as I watch "Mamma Mia" for the first time I find that it is continuing to fuel this 'status quo' take on love. A nice, young and gorgeous couple...of course they should be married right? I see my friends who are in relationships of all kinds...and while they may be happy or sad or whatever...the same perpetual problems show up. I don't want to deal with that right now. So call me selfish.

Oh and by the way...it has been a week and a half...and still no luck with jobs. Damn you recession! Back to "Mamma Mia" and then nap time. Lastly, everyone should go see "The Reader"...the book was phenomenal and the film is no exception. Powerhouse performances all around, especially for my favorite Kate Winslet. She gives me hope in this industry and for my career. Peace.

Duct Tape.

There is an evil twin that lives inside me.
One day he decided to duct tape my mouth shut.
But only I know this.
Everyone hears me talk, but they don't see the wall.
But secretly, I'm screaming for someone to rip off the duct tape.
I don't care how hard.
I just want to be free.

I'm like a machine. Capable of work, capable of activity, but not capable of full sincerity.

I am a trustworthy person.
Just not to myself.
I have been scorned and abused by this evil twin long enough.
I've surrendered for the time being. There is no point in fighting a lost cause.
It is a putrid thought however...thinking of the high he gets off of my pain.
The worse thing is that everyone is on his side...for the most part.
The duct tape runs wildly.
I'm too frightened to see the consequences...too frightened at the loss I would experience.
I know that there is someone, somewhere out there, rooting for me to break free...but I can't do it.
Not now.
I'm just a boy. Almost twenty...but just a boy.
But then I look at the specimens that tore themselves free of the duct tape...
And they seem to be doing famously.
After all, truth is the key to happiness.

Break the Mold.

After three days of uprooting my room...I finally did the impossible. I now have a newly cleaned and styled room of my own! Cleaning gave me a lot of time to think. And when I begin to think...I think a lot. And I begin to question, and ponder and meander around every subject you could possibly think about.

Lately, I have been confronted with this intense desire to break the mold and go. Just go...far away from this mundane and jobless place. I'm trying to bend the pattern, yet I find myself frantically applying my soul away. To school. For jobs. Everywhere.

I have this feeling, this instinct in the pit of my stomach. This impulse. It is calling me...to go...hundreds of thousands of miles away from Colorado. To a new terrain, a new world. Filled with dreams and potential. I've always been a dreamer. There have been few people who haven't questioned my intentions. And to the people that did, I gave them all the same reply. "I know it will happen." It is that simple. I JUST DO. It is something that I have always known and something that I will hold on to...until it happens. And then I will hopefully be able to say, "I told you so."

The Golden Globes are on tomorrow...I guess tonight. (It is also my brothers birthday, so I doubt that my parents will let me watch them.) But it's events like the Globes that get me motivated even more. To go on my quest. This itch is like...well....like an erection, it is set off by almost everything and is uncontainable. Film. Actor. Movie. LA. These are words which set off the fire...everyday. And then it is all that I can think about. Guys--you know that feeling when you think of something that turns you on and then...woop (bingo)...its there, and no thought of dead puppies or sadness can stop it. Erection. And then if you are in class or something you are constantly thinking of the most brutal and unappealing thoughts...but it does not work instantly. It just lingers.

It would almost be easier if my desire just ended...I went cold turkey from my passion. I would not have to worry about getting an agent or trying to make it "big". But I'm not like that...I am a worrier, and will not rest until I get to this destination--this ultimate goal in my life. I know they say opportunities present themselves in the most unlikely of times, but being impatient...I would please like that opportunity to present itself now.

Let me leave you with this gem of a quote:

"Out of clutter, find simplicity. From discord, find harmony. In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity. " - Albert Einstein

DeJa Vu

Is this really happening again? I find myself strategically planning the perfect college essay. Stressing about my mediocre ACT and SAT scores. If they will accept me, if they hate me, if they love me, if it is the right decision. I am back in High School. It's really hard trying to prove yourself on paper. And yet that is what I am doing..again. I finally found a job during the summer and now I am on the look for another one. And that is another thing, jobs are impossible to find in this town. Impossible. But I am trying my hardest. And then I will (hopefully) get hired somewhere, get into a school (hopefully) and then have to leave my job...and the cycle repeats. This is not the good kind of deja vu. I'm done ranting. Goodnight world. Sleep well.

I absolutely despise...

sore throats...

Sickie.

I know when I am getting my strengths back when I'm sick...and this is when I am able to write more than two sentences. For the past five days I have been sick with "some sort of influenza" or "a myriad of viruses" as my doctor so comfortingly said to me today. I took a strep test and that was negative...so that was good. Although, reading health magazines before my doctor's appointment today did not necessarily help. In fact, the featured article embellished on how you can get HIV or crabs from simply sitting on the toilet. Wonderful. So I go into my appointment thinking I may have contracted HIV, which I pray to the Jesus is not in fact true...but of course I don't want to sound crazy and ask the doctor if this is indeed true. So I remain quiet...and paranoid. And snuffly. Being sick is the worst isn't it? It just paralyzes you like a statue. A sniffly and stuffy statue. A sickie. I HATE BEING SICK. But after five days, I feel (knock on wood) that I am finely....almost...getting better. I think that I will actually be able to get up and out of the house, don't get me wrong it has been lovely sleeping, watching TV and hanging with the family...but I want out. I have so many things to tend to and work on. Getting a job. Finding where I want to apply...saying goodbye to friends that aren't staying in Colorado....which is a lot of people...and finishing my goodbyes to my loved ones who are returning to Chicago, but don't know that I am not. Well at least for now. I plan on breaking the news rather shortly. Not to mention I have to get cracking on all those college apps, the USC theatre supplement is due on Saturday. Oh man...and they say stress causes sickness. I'll be lucky if I go a week without being sick.