Chasing Mermaids...

GLEE.

2010-04-21T00:33:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting in class. I would much rather be on a sound stage filming. I daydream so much that reality just seems like such a blur. I am not quite aware of how to get to where I want to be but I know I want to be there. SO badly. Painfully so. It consumes my desires, my passions, my drive and my will. I want this. I do. I want this more then anything--please God, please universe--lend me this opportunity. Please get me in that door and I can work my magic, breathe in what you have leant me and just do it. There is so much to do, so much to show--in a vast sea of hopes and lost dreamers I submerge as a soul who vows to create change and give life to a future. I would be the happiest, the most content creature--pining for a chance. Luck. I need it. I'll make my own. I've got to--it's in me.

From the get go I felt a strange and magnetic pull to this--like I would serendipitously get this chance one day. Did I blow it? Hopefully not. What is done is done. There could have been a million and one ways I could have shown my personality and talent...but only one shot...Chance. I want another chance to show em' what I got. Who I am. I have SO much to give. I am brutally reminded as I sit in class that this is not a life I want to live--I want to bust down these stale brick walls and fly above the expectations everyone seems to have set for me. Constant battering, "You know it's a publicity stunt" or "there are far too many people for this to be real" or "you really think you have a chance?". I know. I am aware. But maybe just maybe I have optimistic hopes of being that one diamond in the ruff they'll find--discover and cultivate. The facts are there are a lot of people who can sing and dance and act--but I honestly feel I could fit the definitions of this show perfectly. And I have been overwhelmed by the support from friends, family and sometimes strangers who come across my video audition.

For those that doubt...you say publicity stunt...I say opportunity. And that is when I realize I'm a dreamer again--just trying to rope in a star--t0 keep it, to hold it and to chase it. SO many people want to do this--but why in the world can't I? I'm different and I suppose that is the most beautiful thing about "Glee"--celebrating and living in the awkward and endearing differences that lie within each of us. I firmly believe in putting your thoughts, desires and dreams out into the open...to be sucked up by God and the universe--so here I am doing that (just as I have been). I KNOW I can do this. I KNOW I gots this. Help me out. Lend a hand. Let chance be my companion and change my future for the better. :)

5 days--there will be five days of videos--some bad, some good--some endearing and some annoying. They will be as diverse as mankind itself. All with one goal--to get the part. Another shot. Another chance. Cue "God I hope I get it" from "A Chorus Line"...I will undoubtedly think of the auditions everyday but should remind myself to stop thinking about competition or anything--it doesn't matter at this point--I just want to be seen and have another shot. Truly. It's out of my hands--I just need to breathe in optimism and stay hopeful. I may be walking on a dream...but it is firmly rooted in ambition and drive. Braden Davis for "GLEE"!

Bubble.

2010-04-21T00:11:00.000-07:00

I love and hate this world sometimes. But right now, in this split second of time I love the way the world works. Behind everything that is bad or evil there is good. Humans are everywhere...there are so many we have met and there are so many we have yet to meet. We can either choose to remain in a small bubble and not break out of it or we could...for a moment...break our awkward silence and puncture through our fears into the unknown and be greatly rewarded.

Very Mary-Kate.

2010-04-20T22:56:00.000-07:00

I'm probably behind the times but I just discovered these videos...they are amazing.

A Boy Can Dream...

2010-04-16T16:30:00.000-07:00

I'm just a boy. A child in this world. Naive and not quite accustomed to reality yet. I see life be cruel. I see it be proud. And I see it be REAL. People say I am a dreamer...but I am NOT the only one. I am among millions...trillions of individuals who dream of one day making their life better...and yes God I know I am no more special then the girl to my left or the boy on my right. But I do want this. Badly. A shot. A chance. I'm just a boy with dreams...optimistic but ready to tackle anything that comes in the way of my dreams...

Jesus.

2010-04-04T23:15:00.000-07:00

I went to church today....

it felt really good to feel welcomed.

Bitter. Party of One.

2010-04-04T22:40:00.000-07:00

Relationships. Relationships. Relationships. (Try saying that fast six times). Why are we...(humans)...obsessed with this intense desire to find a boyfriend or girlfriend. Hooking up, cruising, sex. Humans are animals. Beasts. Sex drives the size of Jupiter. But it must just be me recently or the people around me, but I have been so insanely nauseated by couples. No offense to my friends who are happily dating...but seriously, it is annoying. Yes I will be the first one to admit that I have checked into the Bitter Hotel, however, couples just give me so many damn reasons to hate romantic love. Even the friends of mine who vowed to never get cheesy or annoying...DID. Is it a part of the relationship contract to giggle like a school girl or make out like it is going out of business? Never separate or have your own opinions or schedule?Sometimes, when couples make out so much in public or fondle each other it leads me to think they have something to prove. The dude has to tell the world that he has the biggest dick in the room so he straddles his poor little girlfriend--almost marking his territory. Bestial. We are beasts. Yes we were all born with sex drives that kicked in when we hit that awkward little stage in life called "puberty". But does that mean we have to constantly find some random stranger or individual to pleasure us so we can get a quick orgasm? It lasts for a moment. ONE moment.

I don't know. Maybe it is just me but I am over that. Human sexuality is just a joke to me. We try to put everyone in little boxes and manufacture labels on everyone and tell everyone who they can and cannot sleep with or who we think they are sleeping with or are attracted to. Obviously from history and the media and real life itself, we can tell that human sexuality is uninhibited and cannot be put under a label or category. I am fascinated with it. Attraction in general. When we are in love our brains fall out of our ass and our hearts steer us to what we believe to be the right direction. The biggest problem is that we often misplace our heart for our genitals or vice versa. This is nothing that hasn't been said before, it is just mulling over in my mind...over and over again. I am 21. I have had four...almost five relationships and even then I STILL don't know what it means to love someone or be in love. In fact, all of those relationships were in high school. It has been what...three years since I have had a semi serious relationship that lasted past a night. So needless to say I AM a little bitter...not all the time...but sometimes certain people or events trigger this rant. Everyone always tells me..."you say you won't act like a fool when you find that special someone, but trust us when you do you won't know what hit you" or "you are going to find the person of your dreams and when you do...you will forever be changed, they will surprise you and you will surprise yourself". Well, I would like to please ask the universe...well when the hell am I going to feel that? I am certainly not one of those people that need to be in serious relationships constantly. In fact I have little respect for people who can't live independently and learn about themselves in the process of living their own journey. People who depend on other people for their happiness are boring and weak. Harsh...but true. There are those that search for love and get hurt and their are those that love comes to. I am still waiting for the second option.

It is so funny because when I thought I was finally ready to want and have a companion...opportunities were presented and I realized how NOT ready I was. The point is I am just like any other human with a blood pumping heart--I want to share and be intimate with someone else. I want to share everything--my thoughts, my beliefs, my body and not feel judged or short changed. Hook ups can be great here and there...but they aren't my thing. I don't even know why I am writing about this...I sound like a stupid whiny 14 year old girl. The point is...when it comes down to it...so much of our culture and our lives as we know it--is based on the fact that there is apparently somebody for all of us. Everyone feels like they are entitled to love (which I believe is a true conviction)...however, people's expectations are sometimes a little grander then reality. Live your life, follow your dreams and if someone happens to come a long and change your life in that way, run with it.

Earthquake.

2010-04-04T22:37:00.000-07:00

Survived my first earthquake.

7.2

Happy Easter Los Angeles!

Equality U.

2010-03-31T00:02:00.000-07:00

I couldn't embed this on my blog but I do have the link: everyone needs to watch this documentary. You need to watch "Jesus Camp" but it is too upsetting to post.

http://www.logotv.com/video/equality-u/1602603/playlist.jhtml

Equality for everyone. NOW.

Ricky Martin is a Homosexual?

2010-03-30T17:34:00.000-07:00

So I know it was such a shocker when Ricky Martin announced yesterday that he was a "fortunate homosexual man". I mean it isn't like he had two children through in vitro fertilization or the fact that his hips swing like a gay man at a disco in ALL of his music videos. Not to mention that really awkward interview with Barbara Wa-Wa in 2000 (which I will post below). Basically just like Clay Aiken...we all saw it coming. However, after all of this media buzz about Ricky Martin--I realized how taboo and absurd the topic of sexual identity is. First of all--Ricky Martin was a sensation for some reason other then his sexuality. Yes everybody wanted to do him but why did it take him 11 years to embrace something that shouldn't even be an issue. America in particular thrives on finding out the sexual identities of every celebrity--I am sure they are already trying to peg Justin Bieber as a lesbian...oh wait he is a boy. If Justin Timberlake or Gerard Butler came out tomorrow as an openly gay man the world would be in shambles. But why? First of all who care about JT and the Butler anyway and why do we care about celebrities to begin with? Yes they have more money then we do and yes they have reached success from luck and opportunity but I could give a shit about who they are sleeping with at the end of the night.

Barbara Wa Wa learned from her mistakes:

People need to get out of the 1920' s value system and stop sniffing out the gays. Does everyone have to question your sexuality...does it always have to be that obvious. Be who you are. Embrace individuality and don't give a flying fuck about judgement because people will always judge because they are bored with their own lives. Good for you Ricky but it isn't like we all didn't know...there is no need to formally come out. You know when you know.

Time is Flying.

2010-03-29T23:20:00.000-07:00

Wow. Time goes by when you are having fun doesn't it? Or when you aren't having fun too...time just flies. Period. Minutes pass into hours and so on and life goes on. God knows the last time I wrote a blog entry. So much has happened since then and now I find myself further along on this crazy journey.

In a place like California, the weather is always relatively warm but lately it has been PERFECT. I am enjoying spring but can feel summer dancing in the skies. I have been incredibly busy. Within the semester and a half that I have been at USC I have managed to be in three consecutive shows--each an experience in its self...it appears to me it just seems to get better with each show, as do my performances I think. I learn the most as an actor from being in a show. The last show I was in "Grapes of Wrath" was a beautiful ensemble piece directed by an amazing director, Stephanie Shroyer and it had an amazing cast. It was one of those experiences in the theatre that was religious. Not to mention I bonded with my cast-mates and even got the chance to perform in front of THE powerhouse acting couple: Felicity Huffman and William H. Macy--and they gave a standing ovation (it was out of a dream). To have actors of that caliber stand for a performance is amazing.

Another exciting step I am currently taking is working on signing with a commercial agent. I sent many submissions online of my headshot and resume and got a bite from a nice sized boutique agency in Studio City. I must admit, getting that phone call from them was one of the highlights of my life thus far. It was just instant validation: someone has faith in me and finds me marketable as an actor or client. I had my first meeting and had no idea what to expect except from what I had already been warned and told from fellow friends and actors who have agents. They were very friendly...a little intimidating but friendly nonetheless. I mean the office is a couple doors down from GLEE casting. It felt relatively good. I spoke with the two receptionists for fifteen minutes and they were wonderful. Then I met with the commercial agent herself, Annie and she was yes intimidating a bit but very forward and all around nice to be around. We spoke of so many elements of what goes into being represented and unions and SAG and all of that jazz. It was enlightening. Perhaps the most enlightening part was when she blatantly said, "I am going to be honest with you...I hate your headshots...HATE THEM". Now this may seem extreme but I had been warned an agent would say that, but she was extremely friendly in referring me to still slightly expensive but sort of reasonable photographers that could take headshots that captured my essence and showed the real me. Apparently I look far better in person then my pictures...she said I could do better. I thought my photos were just fine and enjoyed taking them but I suppose they aren't completely professional. So although I felt a little bit discouraged, in the end she asked if I could come back and do a monologue for her and the head of the theatrical division. I was thrilled...it wasn't a no...at least not yet. They wouldn't carry on business with me if they weren't interested. So they are interested. Which is really cool. I am going back on April 7th to come in and do a monologue for them. I was supposed to go in last week but had the devil's sickness (and apparently liver issues?!) so I had to reschedule, but even then they were extremely inviting and sympathetic (at least the receptionists). The only thing is now I have to somehow come up with the 300 hundred something dollars it costs to take new headshots...which is stressing me out.

Basically I need to make money. Now that I am not in a show anymore I am going to use this time to either search for employment somewhere or find some quick way to make money (no prostitution is not a resort for me...yet). Since school is winding down with a little more then a month left...everything seems to be happening again and I couldn't even begin to think how stressed I would be if I were in a show right now. I am going to be in the studio audience for Jimmy Kimmel live two times within the upcoming weeks (once on Thursday with Carey Mulligan and a couple weeks later with Zoe Saldana...I think that is how you spell her name...Avatar and Center Stage lady). So that should be fun. After doing so much theatre and acting for such a long period of time, it is nice to have a little break from that world so I can see the real world and refresh myself as an actor but even more importantly, a human being and an artist.

I went to Hawaii for Spring Break since we won a free trip basically to Maui from The Grove shopping center in L.A. Our room was sea side and beautiful and we didn't have to pay for parking, rental car, flight or lodging. Just our expenses when we were there. Within the five days and six nights that I was there I did many things I have never done before and am proud to say I now have done them. I basically felt like I was on LOST and in Avatar/Pandora for five days, six nights. It was glorious. Oh and did I say I chilled with some hippies on a nude beach with drum circles. Yes...that happened.

So much more stuff has happened since my last blog that it is difficult to sum it all up into another entry without at least forgetting some important statistics...which I am bound to do. Now I find myself questioning what to do for summer. I am so confused. I thought I was going to stay in L.A. for the summer and attempt to find a real day job or internship and audition, etc...especially if I end up signing with this agent. I might have to end up staying here if I do end up signing if Annie is going to be sending me out on auditions during the summer...I dunno...I'll have to work it out because I am just so ridiculously homesick right now. My family came out to see me for the first time in a collegiate level show. URINETOWN. They loved it and it happened to fall on my birthday weekend...only problem was that I was sick during it and their trip...they didn't mind, they loved California, especially my dad. Yeah that is right I spent my 21st birthday not at rehearsal or at a bar or club but IN MY PARENT's HOTEL BED. Whatever, 21st birthdays aren't ever as cool as they seem. The point is...I won't see my parents for eight months if I don't go home over the summer. And I have a feeling once I stay there for two weeks I would want to stay longer and it would be really hard to leave home.

PLUS depending on the status of my Ben and Jerry's job in FoCo that could be a deal breaker. I have worked there for the past two summers/years and would love to return there because I would be home and making money. The only thing I am concerned about at this point is that if I tell Annie I am thinking of going to Colorado for the summer that she won't sign me as a client. I don't know. I worry too much. And too often. The great thing is that these are great problems to worry about. I just have to take it one step at a time (you know like that horrid Jordin Sparks song).

This Business...

2010-02-20T02:48:00.000-08:00

...is so time consuming. But I love it.

Not Your Dog.

2010-02-13T03:10:00.000-08:00

It's funny how you think you can waltz in here and patronize me. Like I am some dog of yours. You don't own me, no one does for that matter. You are merely an insecure individual preying on others. Sure you are "talented" but are you? Or is it your drive that exceeds your limits? Why is it that you always seem to take what I want? That you desire the same objectives and things in life? What are your motives? We all want the same things in life. We all want success and fortunes. But does that mean that I am the one at your expense. Sure, come on in and take my friends. Sure...just go ahead. Act like you know everything, are older then me...yeah patronize me. The funny thing is you are so naive and you are so oblivious. You are unreal. Why are you the one? The one who gets everything? Does everything? It is okay. Karma is a BITCH.

Buzz. Buzz. Buzz.

2010-02-01T13:14:00.000-08:00

I'm buzzing. Buzzing with anticipation. Excitement for the future. For the infinite possibilities. I may be a dreamer but at least I pursue my dreams.

Clutter.

2010-01-18T01:04:00.001-08:00

It is a pretty scary thing. Coming to terms with yourself. And so when you make nice with yourself and accept yourself for who you are...the barriers shatter and you realize...you become a lot happier. There will always be that one person or that group of people that won't accept you for who you are. But you know what...as they always say...I would rather someone hate me for who I am then someone love me for something I am not. Clutter is never a good thing in someone's life. It can become an obstacle. It can swallow you whole and drive you insane. That is why ever so slowly...every day...you have to work at abstracting the clutter in your life. The negatives. The guilt. The secrets. The lies. What use is worrying about the clutter and trash when you could be enjoying life. I may not be fully accepting of myself yet...and I know it will take time to become comfortable in my own skin, but God as my witness...I will be content about who I am one day...because while I may not realize it yet I know that others see how great of a human being I am.

You Win Some. You Lose Some.

2010-01-16T01:35:00.000-08:00

Let me speak frankly for the next several minutes. After viewing Peter Jackson's The Lovely Bones, I am at a loss of complete coherence...so forgive the rambling. The movie wasn't the most amazing but it brought up a lot of deep thoughts on life and what happens after life. The movie inspired me to read the book which I just received as a Christmas present from one of my friends back in Colorado. Anyhoo...I am not blogging about The Lovely Bones...I am talking about life...which kind of has to deal with the film I suppose. Here is the thing: life is unexpected. You win some. You lose some. You may think you have it down...and then you get a wild card thrown at you. This much is true in my profession...even on the collegiate theatre level. You nail an audition...feel really good about it (and see that the director liked it too) but then you don't get a callback. Do you completely freak out? Or do you figure out what went wrong? Neither...because worrying about it on any level won't do you ANY good. It is a funny thing...empathy. Especially in the acting world...and in such a setting as a theatre school. You arrive at the callboard buzzing with nerves and anxiety for the outcome. What is going to happen? I'm going to walk up to that board and scan nervously. I either see my name and do jumping jacks in my head...or literally do jumping jacks. Or there is the alternative...I walk up to the board and scan nervously...and continue to scan...and continue to scan...take a moment to walk away...then return to the board nervously...hoping my eyes misread the first time. My name is not on the board. Deep breath. Don't let anyone know your ego has been bitch slapped just a little. Smile. Nod. Then say how happy you are for the others. Then walk away.

That would be the normal thing to do...that us actors all do too well.

But today when I arrived at the callboard at school I was surprised at how well I handled my fate. You see here is the thing: unlike a majority of the people who auditioned for EVERY SINGLE SHOW available, I only auditioned for two: Into the Woods and Grapes of Wrath. Unlike a majority of these people I have literally been in rehearsals since August between A Dream Play and Urinetown...which I am currently wrapping up here shortly. The point is: I have been working. Loving it...for most of the time and struggling through the stress. But at the end of the day I can say I have been very productive. Being that I found some sort of inspiration to blog this evening at nearly 2am this blog is a little long winded and unscripted to apologize for my frank thoughts. I wouldn't lie to you...whoever you are that finds this blog. This blog is for me mainly. Therapeutic. Mainly I like the sound and feeling of the key board clicking as I type freakishly fast. Anyhoo...tangent...where was I...auditions...right...the usual...the point is my auditions this week came amidst long hours in class and Urinetown rehearsals. And yet I performed two GREAT auditions for both shows. As an actor you always know when your performance was on in an audition and my performance WAS on in my musical audition and later on for the BFA show. It is a rare and amazing moment when a director says to you, "That was a treat. Thank you so much for that...seriously". Trust me...it is my pleasure to find a director calling my work "a treat". But long story short...I did not get called back for Into the Woods and have yet to find out about the BFA show. But here is my thought process...

When I took a double take at that big board filled with names and characters and room numbers and times...and saw that my name was not on the board...as I had grown so accustomed to. I didn't blame myself. I didn't blame the directors. I didn't blame peers or fellow actors. I instead accepted the fact that I was not exactly what the director was looking for and that I could still walk away from that board with my dignity in tact because I know I had an awesome audition. Sure it is kind of a bitch when friends/fellow cast mates of yours DID get called back and they feel all awkward when you congratulate them but they don't know what to say back since they can't be like, "Congrats to you too...". The funny thing is at that point...I am probably over it and the other person is just standing their like a woodland creature in the headlights. What I am trying to say is that I have faced rejection and critique practically all my life...and I have had too many tantrums and pity parties to go through it again. I am a professional. If I ever want to truly work in this industry like I have been I need to continue being positive and hopeful for my future. Of course I'm not going to say I wouldn't have like to have been on that list...I would have loved to be in Into the Woods or at least be called back and try to show them more of what I had to offer...but clearly they were going for a specific look (ahem...height more like it...) but there is still the delicious ambiguity of Grapes of Wrath (I seem to alternate between straights plays and musicals). Who knows...perhaps the director told the "Woods" director that she had a part in mind for me...or perhaps she didn't. I might not be in the show at all...but you know what. I wouldn't mind that. I would love to continue to work as an actor and learn in such an environment while I still can...but if its not in the cards...its not in the cards. You can't force things. Everything...and I mean everything happens for a reason. There are so many exciting things happening outside of USC's theatre community that I want to have a part of. I mean come on, I moved to Hollywood and Los Angeles for a reason. I want to begin looking for agents and working on internships and going out on auditions...being a REAL REAL REAL REAL actor. I am so thankful for the experiences I have had at USC thus far (as far as theatre, etc goes) because it has given me the opportunity to flourish again into the fun loving individual that I am and connect with new casts and families. The glass isn't even half full or empty--its bubbling over with possibility. 2010 is the year of positivity, adventures, growth and new experiences. I could be like a majority of the people who walk up to that board and shatter like a porcelain doll...but I am not going to let ONE college show get in the way of what I want to do. So here's to whatever happens with the shows this semester...cause God knows I will have my hands full no matter what! I'll drink to that!

Inspirations

2010-01-10T00:55:00.000-08:00

The following have inspired me and excited me once again about being an actor and having the possibility to work in such an amazing industry (when done right).

Recess...Snow.

2010-01-06T11:34:00.000-08:00

Twisty turvy. That is the only way I can explain how I feel right now. Twisty...turvy. This grade school description of myself is more complicated then it seems. It is as if I am on the playground during recess...exposed to so much but confused with what to do with it all. This game of hello and goodbye takes a toll on my wee little mind. I tell myself take a break yet I continue to stress myself out. I tell myself I'm making dinner for family and friends and they say you are making it for your friends not us. It is kind of funny how everything gets warped--emotions, intentions, events, words, speech...I don't really know what to think of anything really right now. I have certain things I am excited for and certain things I am not. Being home is a blessing and in the rare moment a curse. Just when I get too comfortable something comes to bite me in the ass. Life. You bitchy mistress. But I am not going to dwell on the negative because I swore to myself that this year: 2010 and the new year would mark a year of positivity and adventures.

I need to realize that sometimes you are just going to feel like the bottom of a toilet. Like you want to give up on your dreams and your goals. But then there will be inspirational days where you want to rejoice and proclaim how happy you are out loud. There will always be hello's and goodbye's...I must realize this above all. I invest so many emotions into whatever I do that sometimes it doesn't feel like I am actually living or feeling them at all. It is like adolescence all over again...I mean technically I still am a child...going on 21 soon...but it is just all so confusing. Do I want to play four square with friends, hop scotch, jungle gym, tag, capture the flag...or do I just want to sit out of any sort of recess game and observe. I don't know. But that is the good/bad thing about life--you don't have to know everything at any given moment. Living in ambiguity is sometimes a good thing. I often say that when you become too comfortable you have to change things up because while being comfortable is often a good thing it can often leave to your demise as well. You make mistakes and you learn from them, if not the first time, hopefully by the 10000th.

I am going back to a school I have only been at for a semester. Even though I still know people there now I have only been there for a semester. And unlike some people who make 10000707968 acquaintances I make a dozen really really close friends and keep up with acquaintances. So being back in a school where only some know me is a little precarious. But it is okay. I am going to keep on doing my thing like I have been and hopefully people will notice me along the way. It is snowing on my last full day in Colorado. I am enjoying it. It comforts me. Off to get my hairs cut.

Can't Go Back Now.

2009-12-28T00:44:00.000-08:00

Humans are infinitely more interesting then most species I have ever studied on the Discovery Channel or while watching "Planet Earth". I just watched the documentary "American Teen" tonight and was flushed with waves of differing emotions. The documentary follows five teens in Warsaw, Indiana and their friends/families. It follows them throughout their senior year and the beginnings of their college experiences. There is the indie girl, the popular Homecoming Queen, the Geek, Basketball Player/Jock and the knock out. It was so funny to watch such a documentary because it was like looking through the looking glass of my past. I saw bits of myself in every one of them but mostly was reminded how entertaining and complex the average adolescent is. This was besides a fun night of games and laughter the perfect remedy for my latest state that I was in prior to the evening.

I find myself extremely confused with life in general. I am in a vortex of fear, frustration and happiness. Watching these fairly sad and pathetic individuals (all very different and from different walks of life) experience life and come to terms with their own battles was very refreshing and reminded me that I am not a lone in these life experiences. Everyone goes through the horrors of puberty and yes eventually the horrors of growing up and becoming a man or a woman. I find that I am constantly worrying about what is to come instead of enjoying the present moments life gives me. Whether they are awkward, exhilarating or horrifying they are still moments I need to find myself present in. I was telling someone today that while break isn't over for another week and a half I still can only think about leaving to go back to school and how depressing that is that I am leaving my family and such. And then I realized that life is just a series of entrances and exits. Perhaps I am just incredibly supple and sensitive at this stage in my life. I have changed immensely within the past year and even more so within the past four months in California. Roughly one year ago I made the decision and told my parents I should leave Roosevelt and Chicago and now my life has literally done a 180.

Life is a series of random yet fateful situations. Change. Change. Change. Survival of the fittest. Watching those five adolescents go through the same trials and tribulations and changes into college, I realized that while it is so easy to only think of your own troubles and hardships you need to realize that EVERYONE is experiencing the same thing. No one wants to leave the comfort of their home at the end of the day. I am glad I have learned to be independent and survive on my own in two major cities: Chicago and Los Angeles...but lets face it at the end of the day I want my mommy and daddy and brothers/dogs and cat at my side. While I am very apprehensive of the stress that will consume every single orifice of my body when I return to L.A. I know that it is all progressive and will be worth my while. I just need to remember the following: I am alive, well and learning. I am on a journey. My entire body and back may be threaded with knots from stress but in the end I need to realize it is all about this incredibly ride called life. As silly as that sounds it is so very true. I signed on for a hard life the minute I realized what I wanted in my life and what I wanted to accomplish. And you know what? I would not ask for anything less! It is incredibly easy to give up or relinquish from a battle...I am here to stay and here to fight on for the sake of my dreams, my family and friends and my destiny. As hard as it is to say you have been given one body and you have to work with you have because at the end of the day regardless of if you are in a relationship or lie in a bed at night by yourself....you answer to one person at the end of the day and that is yourself...and God if you are spiritual. So why try to alter and change what you have been given? Live in the complexities and learn from the errors. It is the imperfections and quirks that make someone interesting. After-all we are not made of plastic but living, breathing flesh.

Peter Pan.

2009-12-16T23:29:00.000-08:00

I'm like a bittersweet cookie at the moment. Hot one minute then cold the next. I'm proud of the things I have accomplished and anxious for the future. I try to find myself at home in my skin but seize to find a place. It is as if the line has been drawn. I'm home but I am not home. I'm smiling but not inside. I get that glimpse of freedom, that glimpse of happiness at the oddest moments. The sun shining just the perfect way. Basking in the perfect weather. The slightest touch of a snow flake on my skin. When you go out and play in the snow then come back inside and cuddle in warm pj's--the little things get me. But alas, I feel like a cartoon at times. As if I am walking along the street and a giant dark cloud is hovering over me. I don't want to have a pity party but I feel like if growing up means losing all emotion and excitement then I mine as well stay a child all of my life. I will be Peter Pan. The end.

A Letter to Myself.

2009-12-03T11:19:00.000-08:00

Everything at some point deteriorates. Metal rusts, people age and soft skin turns into wrinkly sand paper. New laptops get old and crash, new bikes grow rickety and tires pop. Love is made and love is broken. Life is beautiful but also a cruel bitch waiting to give you one in the face. Everyday I see both sides of life: the beautiful things and the ugly things. On one side I am performing daily and through this I experience a severe amount of joy and of course some heartache because performing is indeed a labor of love. Every day I come a little bit closer to being comfortable in my skin and living an open and honest life, but then I become insecure again from the slightest trigger. You wake up some mornings and actually like what you see in the mirror. You wake up some mornings and want to cry from what you see in the mirror. It is life. A constant and ever changing reality. I can't really complain about my life right now--besides the fact that I am ridiculously busy and need Christmas to be here, but is that ever a bad thing? At least I am working hard and am working towards something.

Yes, in comparison to a starving child in Africa I have it pretty damn good. But as a human being you can't help but be drawn to the dark side. Life eventually becomes slightly muted in color and energy and you begin to stumble into a sort of depression. The moments when I am most happy are when I am either performing or with friends and family. This makes sense--given my profession. I don't know if it is the fact that I literally rearranged my life in the course of a year and everything happened so fast, but I feel like I lost a part of me along the way. I feel like I am just the body of Braden going through the motions complacently for the most part. Occasionally I receive a blissful glimpse of genuine amazement or wonder, but then it comes sky rocketing down on me and I lose it. Christmas time is approaching and I always have enjoyed Christmas. Something magical comes from the holiday seasons--even the red cups at Starbucks get me going. But this year I just feel like a robot even in my own home. During Thanksgiving break I felt like a puppet--moving seamlessly yet shallowly. This needs to change. Perhaps this is just a part of growing up. There was a time when Braden didn't give two fucks what someone thought about him. What happened to that? Where is the fearless Braden that existed two mere years ago? I want him back.

Montezuma's Revenge.

2009-11-02T12:11:00.000-08:00

My life is funny. I find myself in a washing machine--not stuck, but tossing and turning aimlessly. I am not disappointed in myself. I have come VERY far...but I have a long way to go. I'm a dreamer yes, but I am also a do-er. I have dreams but I want to ACCOMPLISH them. I have accomplished several of these dreams and goals of mine within the last several months already. I am living in Los Angeles. I am a theatre major at THE USC. I have already been in a show within my first semester here and hope to be in many more! I am beginning to submit myself for agents and what have you. I would say that is a long way from being out of school and working at a Ben and Jerry's in Fort Collins, Colorado. Don't get me wrong...I miss home, quite a bit (especially my family and friends and the snow since it is snow-less here in California). But I am making new friends and LOVING not always being cold, although I like to have my doses of the seasons...snow included.

I am proud of how assertive I have been. Transferring schools...especially transferring to a big school like USC is NOT easy, however, because of jumping right in I have already met amazing friends and companions. I have learned many lessons and continue to test myself and my abilities as a performer. "A Dream Play" was one of the most agitating experiences because it was so complicated and I was constantly judging myself and questioning what more could be brought to my performance. In the end "A Dream Play" was a success and although it was not my best performance in my life, it was AN EXPERIENCE. Life is an experience. Taking in events and images and adapting. Changing. Evolving. I would not be where I am today socially or in any vain if it wasn't for my impulse to soar. I am such a dreamer and there are so many things I want to accomplish in this life. But I am also a realist and know that there is a mountain to climb in order to obtain every single goal and dream of mine.

I was sick since last Tuesday and missing classes and lying hopelessly on a couch did not make me happy. It still does not make me happy. Sure having some leisure time is absolutely wonderful, but I am someone who can't be stationary for too long--I freak out. I have to be moving, working towards a goal. Yes the big dreams of mine are kinda murky simply because there is so much to do in order to get to that point. But I can't look at the whole picture now...I have to take it one step at a time. One baby step at a time. An inch at a time. Then a foot then a mile and so on. Life is a process...it is a journey. Not a destination (yes I ripped off someone's famous quote wuah wuah). But yes. It sounds so simple yet it is a daunting task to accomplish. It doesn't help that I feel constantly overwhelmed. I honestly have been going, going, going since I moved here...and I continue to be busy. But busy is better then boring in my opinion.

I went to "Knott's Scary Farm" on the eve of Halloween with a couple friends. It was such a refreshing and invigorating experience. Between the milieu of haunted mazes (they always picked me to follow...I suppose I stand out) and amazing roller coasters it truly was a fun but exhausting evening. One of my favorite rides we rode that night was called "Montezuma's Revenge". The roller coaster takes off incredibly fast (like rip your face off fast) and then going through a colorful ring of light then upside down and then the same thing backwards...it is truly a rush. The entire time leading up to the actual ride itself was painful and nerve-wrecking. I sat there watching each batch of people fly away to their doom and them return shortly after. But once I was strapped in there was no going back. And you want to know something--it was one of the best experiences I have ever had. Something so small but significant. You can try to close your eyes and ignore the experience that is surrounding you, or you can open your eyes and go on a fantastic and awesome ride. I am going to try to take advantage of everything that comes my way and seek out opportunities that don't. As long as I am living I will be happy...even if I have my set backs every so often...but that is apart of life in itself.

Balance.

2009-11-02T01:36:00.000-08:00

You win some, you lose some.

Just keep swimming.

Direct from my couch...

2009-10-28T16:24:00.000-07:00

I am a sickie today...have been for the past couple of days. While so much time has passed since my last post, I am sorry to say...too weak to write a complete update...it could honestly be a novel. The point is...besides this sickness...I am having a blast in my new SC and Cali life. So much has happened that I still can't believe it has only been two months, it honestly feels like a year at least...it sometimes does not even feel real.

So instead of a long ass blog I am going to leave you with words of inspiration from my good friend Elizabeth Gilbert. I find what she says about authors and artists to be particularly applicable to the life of an actor...

Good Day L.A.

2009-08-30T02:38:00.000-07:00

There are moments when I am so thankful for my existence. For where I am. For everyone who is in my life. I feel this as I sit upon my bed...it is almost 3am. I am in Los Angeles, California... in my very own house, in my very own room. I have just completed my first week at USC. I have auditioned for three productions, received multiple callbacks and have also managed to party and meet some magnificent people! Amidst a beautiful California evening I found myself on the corner of West Hollywood street slowly feasting upon delicious frozen yogurt and talking with an excellent friend I am so happy to have met...Tory. My roomies and I made a delicious meal for ourselves and Tory and then we played Scategories. It was a very chill and very solemn evening...but one filled with laughter and contentment. Why do I feel like that is not a word...who cares, its 3am. I should be sleeping...I just can't get over how good the new Ingrid Michaelson album is. I don't want to stop listening.

On a side note...I must say...California knows how to party. I have had my fair share of enjoyment at the parties I have gone to. And its when I find myself talking to one of the twins from Desperate Housewifes (who is very nice and was in the BFA program at USC before he booked the show) at a party that I remember I am in L.A. If I had not been exhausted from last night's party...I would have attended another one tonight. We all think we made a wise choice of staying in.

Cast list is posted Monday...I believe. It is a rather strange play but any exposure to the acting/theatre community is excellent. To be honest I was surprised I got called back considering I am new to the program! This entry could go on for forever but alas I need to go to bed sometime.

The point is...its moments when I am completely content that I feel warm inside. Every little sensation becomes heightened. The warmth of the sun's rays on my forearm. The excitement of meeting someone and actually becoming friends with them. Taking pictures...learning the little nuances of someone new...it is all so tantalizing. And it is the FIRST week. I can only imagine what adventures my time here will bring! I can only go up from here!

UH-MAZING.

2009-08-29T13:09:00.000-07:00

White girl can sing. Find me this girl. I need her to sing the soundtrack to my life.

Cat Massage.

2009-08-19T16:35:00.000-07:00

I'm in Los Angeles...have been for a week but update to come...for now feast your eyes upon this.

Ultimate Showdown.

2009-08-07T15:01:00.001-07:00

L.A.

2009-08-04T01:00:00.000-07:00

I found this amusing...considering I am moving out to Los Angeles in days.

Oh Gaga.

2009-08-01T23:58:00.000-07:00

You might hate her. But I love her.

Wow.

2009-07-31T02:36:00.000-07:00

I leave for Los Angeles in (roughly) a week. Dear Lord. I have yet to pack. The roller coaster is finally beginning to board its one passenger. It is going to be a wild ride. I have already deposited the money for the first month of rent so I officially have a house in Los Angeles starting Saturday...I just won't be there til a week after. Wow. And now I am beginning to regret spending more time with my family. But hey, no regrets. I have to move forward. I hung out with my little little brother this morning and saw the new Harry Potter again...it was glorious. I enjoy his company. It is comforting knowing my entire family is under one roof...I have to get used to not having that...yet again.

As of now I have no idea how I am getting out to Los Angeles...either way I will have to do it without my parents. Blurg. But at the same time I feel that it will be an emotional yet therapeutic journey to go through by myself. Hopefully I will be driving out to L.A. with a dear friend of mine. It is a two day trip basically...and I feel like it will be a great transition into independence once again. Wow...just typing about it, is making me so excited. I am MOVING TO LOS ANGELES...HOLLYWOOD. I am really doing this. For months I have been complaining, worrying and bitching about the future. How can I now when such an exciting adventure is about to happen? Not being in LA has hindered many potential opportunities that I could of had in the past...but now I am actually going to be there! I can show up to auditions and show them what I got.

Yes...I might not be auditioning for some Nickelodeon pilot or have all of the connections...but this is all new to me. I have time. Patience. Patience. Patience. What matters is that I will be there amongst all of those people. Eventually I will find an agent and book jobs outside of school. And meanwhile...I will be training in my craft. What could be better for an actor? All I can say is wow. Yes I haven't booked anything yet...but I have a right to be incredibly excited. The future is exciting. Here I was in Colorado for six months...and I felt helpless...now I feel strong. Like I am taking the reigns and making my dreams concrete...maliable...and REAL. Wow. :)

Champion.

2009-07-30T00:44:00.001-07:00

Champion the right to be yourself.

Dare to be different.

Live your own life and follow your own star.

-Wilferd A. Peterson

Speed.

2009-07-28T23:28:00.000-07:00

I sit beside myself. It is 12:29 AM Wednesday morning...the 29th of July. Yes the 29th. Perhaps it is just me but this summer feels like it has been on speed. That or I have been working so much that my life is now a vortex of ice cream and bitchy customers. But that is NOT true. I have actually been so busy between work and seeing friends and family that I have not really been able to relax. In fact I have not slept in my own bed for three days. Yeah thats right. I suppose that is not terribly bad but I love sleeping in my own bed within the comfort of my own home. I didn't even have time to bathe today...yeah it is that sad. I don't think it is going to slow down either.

I feel like I am riding a roller coaster but I am so oblivious of the emotions or what is actually transpiring. I hate feeling like this. Like I am in a black and white photo asking myself...where the hell did the color go? I see my family and friends who I love dearly...and I enjoy their company...but I don't truly feel alive. Maybe if I actually felt the emotions it would be too much. But I don't think that is the case. It was the other day in my dad's car where I had my first big breakdown since God knows when. Tears EVERYWHERE. And for mere moments I felt alive. I want that again. I want to be able to be excited for my future in LA and to actually feel it, instead of complacently nod my head in "happiness". I want to feel the waves.

And I realize as I come back to the internet that exciting things are happening to other people as well as myself. One of my friends (old roomie) is auditioning for Nickelodeon for a show. And people are having exciting opportunities unfolded to them. I must say I am happy but eager for it to be my turn. It always seems like I watch all of this good stuff happen to everyone around me and am just waiting til it strikes me. Hopefully it will. I have faith that it will. I wouldn't be moving for no reason. This is supposed to happen for a reason. Yes I don't expect to land a giant role on a sitcom the moment I land in Los Angeles...but I do expect to experience a fun journey. A roller coaster of sorts. With hard work, drive, talent and my dedication I know I can get there. Eventually!

Make This Happen.

2009-07-25T02:51:00.001-07:00

These people get me! When I get married it is going to be something like this:

Alice and Wonderland!

2009-07-22T23:24:00.001-07:00

The trailer has leaked...enjoy bitches. :)

Alice - Awesome video clips here

Babies.

2009-07-22T15:30:00.000-07:00

For those of you who have not seen Bruno...this is a clip from the film. Bruno (Baron Cohen) holds a casting call for a baby photo shoot. The situation is real...which makes it even more disgusting. This is the industry I am getting into. Dear Lord. These parents deserve to be hauled away.

VH1 TV Shows | Music Videos | Celebrity Photos | News & Gossip

Keep Breathing.

2009-07-21T01:07:00.000-07:00

The storm is coming but i don't mind.
People are dying, i close my blinds.

All that i know is i'm breathing now.

I want to change the world...instead i sleep.
I want to believe in more than you and me.

But all that i know is i'm breathing.
All i can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.

All that i know is i'm breathing.
All i can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.

All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.

Topsy-Turvy.

2009-07-18T22:56:00.000-07:00

My mind is a jumble of discarded memories. Fragments of the past and estimated guesses at the future. What I know is what I feel. And I feel jittery. That pre-first kiss jitter. Your hands are shaking, your mind is running wild and you can't help but throw up a little in your mouth. You know you will probably enjoy it...but there is that slight chance that they might miss your mouth or you might bump into their chin...you might screw up. But you got there for a reason. You are sitting with that person because of a certain chain of events that have lead up to that very point.

Often I wonder how the hell I got to this point. Where I am right now. Two years ago I was in a similar situation. A bright and fresh high school graduate excited but nervous as hell to journey to Chicago to become an actor...to train in a Theatre Conservatory. Yet I pulled through. I made bunches of friends, learned so many valuable lessons and became a better actor and person because of it. Then cut to Christmas evening mid-sophomore year, where a huge decision was made. It was then that I told my parents that perhaps going back to Roosevelt wasn't the best idea. I try to pin-point the origins of my negative feelings towards CCPA and I can't really decide when it began. I was never UNHAPPY there. I had AMAZING friends and was testing my abilities as an actor, performer and individual. Some of my favorite memories came from my year and a half in Chicago. I saw Oprah, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. I saw all of the Olympians AND Oprah for a second time. I laughed, I cried and I grew up. So why is it that I STILL feel guilty about leaving everyone and my past behind.

I am reading "The Power of Now" and Eckhart Tolle continues to state that looking in the past will not help you find happiness. It will only hurt you. I think we learn from our past but like Mr. Tolle says, I also think that it is important to live in the present...for the present is what matters. Tomorrow is not guaranteed...and no point in wallowing in past mistakes or errors. But as I continue to live day to day I can't help but notice things seem to be muted. Sounds are not the same. Colors are not as vibrant and emotions are hard to tap into. When I think of this past Christmas when I made one of the most important decisions of my life, I think of how fast everything went. Within a week I went from living an independent life in Chicago to living with my family again. Not that I haven't enjoyed their company because that is anything but the truth. I have loved living back at home with the family (even though we have had our moments). One problem however, is that I have become semi-shy again. This makes me nervous because I have not been shy since I can remember.

When I initially came home from school I was bubbling with excitement for the future. Several of my Chicago friends envied me because I was leaving to "go onto bigger and better things" with my life. To take some "time off" from school and to see the REAL WORLD...not this bubble we called the acting conservatory. Living at home was fine for the first couple of months. Besides the needle in the hay sack search for a job I was enjoying rekindling old friendships and being in the comfort of my own home once again. But something was missing...I wasn't engaging in the love of my life...the drug that makes me shiver with complete euphoria...ACTING...PERFORMING...SINGING. I had a daily routine...wake up go to work, see friends, see family, stay up late then repeat. Then work some more. Work, work, work. Scooping ice cream at Ben and Jerry's is hardly artistic. In fact it isn't at all. I was not getting my high that I have lived off of for years...since I was a child. I crave it again. But NOW I feel as if I am rusty.

By a series of interesting and random events I applied to the University of Southern California and its internationally acclaimed theatre program. While I tried my hardest to get in and spent days on the application I did not want to set my hopes high. People...close friends and family included, told me to start thinking of back up plans because I "probably wouldn't get in to USC, and definitely would have issues with admissions into the theatre program". Low and behold...months later...I was accepted. I always had a slight ray of hope in me...it is what gets you through as an actor and as a person period. As Harvey Milk said, "You've got to give them HOPE". And now in mere weeks I am on my way to Los Angeles (epicenter of entertainment) to pursue my acting career as well as train at the USC's acclaimed Theatre Program. It seems now that people don't question me anymore. As my mother says to her friends, "If Braden wants something he will get it. It's that simple". I'm proud of that part of my personality. I am driven.

But the rusty part...because of this lapse in time from any form of acting or theatre or cinema I feel as though I am going to be a giant let down to the faculty and my peers, etc. I continue to invision auditions...stepping out onto the stage and just performing an EPIC FAIL. BOMBING. But I can't think like that. I also envision moving out there and being eaten by the parasites known as the millions of unknown actors, musicians and artists living in Los Angeles. But then I just have to tell myself. I got into the school for a reason. It is a sign. Not only is it a damn competitive University to get into but I ACTUALLY GOT ACCEPTED...not waitlisted or denied but ACCEPTED. I am worthy. That is all that matters. But being the sometimes melodramatic artist I am I always question the talent that people see in me. But you have to...it is what keeps you going, what makes your ego small and what forces you to keep on trying and change things up.

I have already met a bus load of USC students on Facebook (theatre and non theatre) and they have taken well to me thus far. I am living in a nice house with three fellow actors and I have (what people tell me to be...) a likeable personality. What have I got to lose. I have only dreamed and prayed for the day to come when I am jet setting to Los Angeles to pursue my acting career. I am actually pursuing it. Physically moving all of my things and myself to the other side of the country to make my dreams come true. People can't make fun of me for that. So many people are talkers...and I have been for the past semester, but now I am actually DOING IT...and that is exciting. And now as my very long and rambling blog entry comes to a close I am in a subdued yet pleasant mind set. People are cheering me on here and in Chicago. They know this is for the best and many exciting opportunities will come from this path I have decided to take. Beneath all of the absurd anxiety is excitement and absolute euphoria for the future. My only hope is that it all falls into place and I begin to see the vibrant colors I have missed for so long.

I know it will be hard but I also know that it will be fun. I will hopefully meet all of these people I have been talking to on Facebook and just fit right in. I have done this before. I am a TRANSFER...at least this isn't the first time for me. It is still fucking horrifying but I have a hand up on this game. Right now I am living on my drive and my family and friends. My old and very talented roommate and friend said to me, "Braden you will make it because you are hella talented". This is not the first time I have heard this...and that is enough to keep me going. I have nothing to prove... I just have a lot to show.

Disgusted.

2009-07-17T00:09:00.000-07:00

Several things have been upsetting me lately. Not just irritating...but making me sick. Ill. For the past two nights I have had to take a lengthy walk around my neighborhood and listen to music to just distract my mind from the absurd thoughts that I have been pondering.

Frankly I have been horrified lately. Horrified in humanity just in general. You can't change the world, you can only make it better...but sadly there are some facets in our existence that are pointless to even tamper with. One of the biggest problems in the United States of America: this closed mind mentality. We are still interpreting the Bible as truth. We are still committing thousands of hate crimes...purely based on sexual orientation or racism. We say that racism doesn't exist. I beg to differ. Prejudice is ripe in our country and our world. Tolerance is a bad thing apparently. I saw Bruno tonight. I don't know whether it helped or extremely hindered the human rights campaign. While the movie itself was extremely filthy, it did attempt to show the amount of hatred that is fueled over such an absurd topic as human sexuality. Lets face it. Sex is funny in general. It is a beautiful yet absurd concept. Two people coming together to (share their love) but basically get the other off. It is as awkward as it is beautiful...regardless of who you are bonking in the sack.

I might be a hippie sometimes with my "free love", "no labels" policies but to me there is no difference when I witness a man and a woman making out and when I see two women or two men making out. To me it is a symbol of love. LOVE. Love has no labels or boundaries. It is limitless in its power. The closed-minded problems with the American culture occur because of our roots. Christianity has dipped its fingers into too many facets of American culture. There is such a thing as "Separation between church and state". Last I remembered it still existed in 2009. It is so hard to see this separation when almost every human rights campaign is opposed by some sort of religious group. Don't get me wrong...I believe in God, I am Catholic...but I'm a SANE Catholic. My God is not brutal and does not send people to hell with lightning bolts. My God is loving and merciful. My God can move mountains and would never condemn someone for their sexuality, race, creed or personal beliefs.

Sometimes I get so excited for the progression of our culture when I see bills being passed and people opening their minds to new ideals. But then I hear a smug comment or conversation that just kills me. As the credits began to roll at the end of Bruno I heard several, "That was a gay ass movie" or "That movie was for fags" "I feel like a fag" etc, etc. I don't know if it just me but WHENEVER I hear someone assign a word to a group of people I cringe. That is never a good word. I may not be affiliated with any of these groups but I know NO ONE would want to be assigned to such a derogatory word. Fagot is the equivalent of Nigger...it is the de-humanization of a human. The worst possible thing you can do. I'm not a "Fag enabler" as some crazy Christian might call me...I am just a respectful human who demands respect in return. I am going to love everyone because we are beautiful creatures. Some might say that an evil exists (the homos and Harry Potters of the world)...but last I checked the homos and Harry Potters aren't the ones condemning people to hell or curb stomping individuals because they are different.

This is a serious problem. I would never cast such an outrageous word on someone because they are different from me. We are all made of the same tissues...but the beauty comes from our individuality. The chemicals that make us different from another. We should never ever want to take outrageous measures to change who God made us. Today I was on YouTube and it suggested a video for me. It was an old interview on "Sally" (that funny lady with the bob and glasses). They were talking about the "Ex-Gay (bullshit) movement" that still sadly exists today. People were claiming to have turned straight...to have the homosexuality literally exorcised from their bodies. POOF gone. To any sane human, I would hope they would see these individuals as looney tunes...complete idiots. People buy this shit sadly. Literally...spend hundreds of thousands of dollars for "homosexuality therapy". It is terribly sad. Even at work today there were too affectionate lesbians in line. One of my co-workers said "gross...disgusting" after they departed. Secretly it made me cringe. Are people not confident enough in their own sexuality that they aren't able to deal with two women holding hands? I just don't get it. How the hell does it affect you? In my day I have seen multiple heterosexual couples literally having sex in mid-day light...I HAD AN ISSUE THEN...but I won't find two women holding hands as disgusting...ever.

The whole argument about homosexuality and equality in general is just ABSURD. I am no different from Obama and Obama is no different then Ellen DeGeneres. Obama might love a black woman and Ellen might love a white woman...but they all possess the single most important quality that every sane human possesses...the ability to L-O-V-E. This is an issue that will never be confronted by the entire world because you don't have to deal with it unless you or someone you know is gay, of a different race or culture. Only then are you able to step away from your set ways and take a look in the mirror...do you lose ties with this individual you love or lose your ego and say, "Hey...I love you...regardless of who you might love or what color you might be or who you worship". This world is all about survival of the fitness...evolution...the ability to adapt. And those stuck in Biblical teachings and times will just rust in this ever progressing world. Eventually...not for a very long time...this will be a dead issue. Sadly I don't believe I will be alive when that day comes...where we all put aside our ego's...our own insecurities and just rejoice in our beautiful existence. I am such a dreamer.

I Am DIFFERENT.

2009-07-16T01:03:00.000-07:00

You may stare at me as I pass you by on the street.
You may gawk and heckle at my very lengthy and awkward limbs.
You may say certain things to bring me down.
Call me names...give me labels...tell me my dreams are worthless.
You might even try to put me in a box...
...say that I am only certain things and can only accomplish certain things...
but you are wrong.
I will break this box that you are so eager to place me in.
Because listen bitches...I am different.
I was placed on this earth to BE different.
To bring something DIFFERENT to the table.
I may not drive a BMW like everyone in LA.
I may not look like Brad Pitt.
I may not be proportionate...I may have immensely long limbs.
BUT THAT MAKES ME UNIQUE...
DIFFERENT from you and Jo Schmo next door or down the street.
Yes everyone wants to become a "celebrity" or make it big...but I am different.
I'm willing to work to get to where I need to be.
I am willing to test myself and show the world who I am.
I am willing to surpass your false judgments and pathetic conduct.
I don't judge you.
So don't judge me.
Because we are all different.

One Day.

2009-07-10T01:02:00.000-07:00

There are so many things I think about on a day to day basis. My re-occurring mantra: "One Day". It is funny because my friend Cassie and I were eating at a fancy shmancy restaurant before we saw "Rent" a couple weeks ago. The waitress treated us different because we weren't fancy schmancy elderly people. BUT we still had money. I told Cassie that we should have told her, "Do you know WHO I WILL BE?" That would set her straight. But seriously. One day.

Man in the Mirror.

2009-07-09T00:28:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite songs of ALL time. One to live by. Miss you MJ.

(Mainly just put in the main parts...the extra oohs and ahhs and woohoos aren't needed).

I'm Gonna Make A Change,
For Once In My Life
It's Gonna Feel Real Good,
Gonna Make A Difference
Gonna Make It Right . . .

As I, Turn Up The Collar On My
Favorite Winter Coat
This Wind Is Blowin' My Mind
I See The Kids In The Street,
With Not Enough To Eat
Who Am I, To Be Blind?
Pretending Not To See
Their Needs
A Summer's Disregard,
A Broken Bottle Top
And A One Man's Soul
They Follow Each Other On
The Wind Ya' Know
'Cause They Got Nowhere
To Go
That's Why I Want You To
Know

I'm Starting With The Man In
The Mirror
I'm Asking Him To Change
His Ways
And No Message Could Have
Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World
A Better Place
(If You Wanna Make The
World A Better Place)
Take A Look At Yourself, And
Then Make A Change
(Take A Look At Yourself, And
Then Make A Change)
(Na Na Na, Na Na Na, Na Na,
Na Nah)

I've Been A Victim Of A Selfish
Kind Of Love
It's Time That I Realize
That There Are Some With No
Home, Not A Nickel To Loan
Could It Be Really Me,
Pretending That They're Not
Alone?

A Willow Deeply Scarred,
Somebody's Broken Heart
And A Washed-Out Dream
(Washed-Out Dream)
They Follow The Pattern Of
The Wind, Ya' See
Cause They Got No Place
To Be
That's Why I'm Starting With
Me
(Starting With Me!)

I'm Starting With The Man In
The Mirror
(Ooh!)
I'm Asking Him To Change
His Ways
(Ooh!)
And No Message Could Have
Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World
A Better Place
(If You Wanna Make The
World A Better Place)
Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make A Change
(Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make A Change)

I'm Starting With The Man In
The Mirror
(Ooh!)
I'm Asking Him To Change His
Ways
(Change His Ways-Ooh!)
And No Message Could've
Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World
A Better Place
(If You Wanna Make The
World A Better Place)
Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make That . . .
(Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make That . . .)
Change!

I Want to Go to There.

2009-07-08T23:57:00.000-07:00

One of the most magical moments for me is when the credits begin to roll after a film. The music, the names...it is just magical to me. It never seizes to amaze me how worked up I get after watching a movie. When I was little I would always marvel in how cool it was...a movie...how people got to dress up and perform in front of a camera...and have the entire country watch. As the years have passed I have gone from marveling at film to wanting to jump into the screen. Every movie that I watch I watch with a critical eye. Every actor, every maneuver is under my scrutiny. Besides teachers or class the biggest text book for the actor is watching other actors. I just got back from "Public Enemies" and watching Depp is like watching salt water toffee being made...it never gets old. He is truly a chameleon. Sometimes I feel foolish while I watch movies. Most people go to see movies to escape...to just relax. I watch them to study...so that I can one day be on that very screen. As the days pass by I come to the realization that I am a day closer to living in Los Angeles, California (Hollywood). To actively pursue my dreams...as well as study and further my craft. There are so many thing I will have to accomplish and just thinking about it is a tad overwhelming...but I know that this is all happening for a reason.

"American Idol" is coming to Denver...my mom wants me to audition. I continue to tell her I am not ready...one more year. And she continues to tell me that it is an "in" for me into the business. But my ever so brilliant friend Ruthie reminded me that most people who are Idol Alums are just that...IDOL ALUMS...rarely do they expand on their careers...rarely. I never want a brand name like that to be attached to my name. I want to be known as the actor who is daring and doesn't stick to one brand name or company. A chameleon. Which is why thankfully I have come to my senses and will NOT be auditioning for Idol this year...besides Ruthie brought the point up that I want to be an ACTOR...yes I sing and yes I want to try to dip my feet into as many fields as I can but for now acting is the focal point in this road trip ahead. I want to be on that screen not too long from now...not a discarded "Idol" alum.

Megax Fox. Urg.

2009-07-06T13:20:00.001-07:00

Here is the Red Band Trailer for "Jennifer's Body"...mixing the best of both worlds...Megan Fox and Diablo Cody. Do you sense the sarcasm. Judge for yourself. Of course every man will be seeing this movie because Megan Fox is SO talented.

Exclusive! The Red Band Trailer for Jennifer's Body!- ShockTillYouDrop.com

Posted using ShareThis

Live Your Life.

2009-07-05T22:51:00.000-07:00

The rain and thunder storms are creating a wonderful symphony. Beyonce is echoing in the background. Work felt like forever today. I find myself in a bizarre mood. It seems like the very earth I walk on is one giant juxtaposition of itself. With everything. One moment I find myself completely content with my life and then the next I hear some horrible bit of news and it sends me spiraling into the infamous land of overthinking.

For some reason death finds itself in numbers. Usually I don't find myself contemplating the statistics of those who pass away...but there just seemed to be too many in June. BIG ones. I hear of friends of friends who died in a car crash instantly or are in a medically induced coma or have just been diagnosed with cancer...perhaps for a second time. I am put in my place whenever I hear of such things. I become grounded. Just to even think of something happening to God forbid my family or friends is enough to make me cry. Even thinking about my life and what is in store...I can only hope that God has a nice long life ahead of me.

I bring up this "Debbie-Downer" blog because within the past day I have been hearing horrendous news left and right. One of my roommates mother's passed away this week. Yesterday when we celebrated the 4th at my friends house in Boulder we "met" (briefly) one of her roommates. She went to go to a friends house. She never returned. Less than an hour ago my friend Emily called and said that the same girl who I barely met had hydro-planed and flipped her car...sending her into a violent crash. She is now in a medically induced coma. We were the last people she saw. Life is a mischievous poltergeist at times. It plays with our emotions and our cores. I did not know any of these individuals truly...yet I am still confronted with an explosion of pain for their families and the ones they loved. How can someone's life be viciously taken away from them in a matter of minutes...at the age of 20. When they have the entire world in front of them. The possibilities go from endless to none in a matter of minutes. I don't understand. And I never will.

I could never be a doctor. In a hospital 24/7. I hate hospitals. Once again a juxtaposition of life and death. A constant reminder of the circle of life. There is beauty in birth but I can't find any in the ending of a life. When travesties happen they remind me of my family and friends and my life. How precious it is. Truly. How like glass, at any unexpected moment it could shatter into a million little pieces. But I hate exploring brutal thoughts like that. I once had a dream several years ago that my dad died...I remember vividly waking up and gushing tears. It upset me to my core. I am not ready for that to happen yet...I will never truly be ever...but Lord oh Lord not now.

Everything becomes so shallow and insignificant when pain hits home. Petty situations with friends or family becomes obsolete. You soon discover that inanimate objects that iPhones or iPod don't mean shit. Life does not come with a price tag. It's like Beyonce...you just can't compete with the fragility of it...life. I was put on this earth to make something of myself. I was put on this earth to be a loving son, brother, friend and maybe in the future...lover and father. My career and my passion for acting are so unbelievably strong, but I need to understand that life should be lived and not forgotten. I will make the best of these years and cherish every memory, every individual and every opportunity that comes my way. I am not going to dilly-dally anymore. I am going to grab the bull by the horns and ride this ride like no tomorrow. I am not going to live my life like it is some secret. I am not going to be ashamed of who I am and I am definitely not going to dwell in the past. Life is the present. The rain as it falls to the ground. Not the clouds that come before. Live your life. Experience the beauty around you. We are wonderous creatures.

Hollywoo...My New Home.

2009-07-05T13:30:00.000-07:00

I have been severely tired lately. Passing out in the middle of the day...napping during really intense movies, bumming around at work...all unusual for me. But I guess a lot has been happening. But this explains why I have yet to post a blog.

Things have been exciting.

I flew out to California Tuesday night and stayed there until Thursday...with my Dad. I went to go see the campus, go to USC orientation, sign the lease papers for my new house, and just explore my new home I will be calling Los Angeles, California. As you may have read I was basically shitting my pants in anxiety. However, as soon as I landed in California my nerves evaporated and instead, I felt content. Los Angeles gets a bad rap from people who either don't like it or have just heard rumors...but I was pleasantly surprised at how much I liked it. Granted I have yet to explore in depth this city but from what I saw...which was a lot in such a short time...I liked it. First of all, the weather was glorious. Sunny and warm...but not TOO warm because of the ocean breeze. The city itself is so huge that it is hard to judge whether or not you like it from just one section of the city. Like any city Los Angeles has its "Do NOT go near there" spots and it also has its "YOU HAVE TO CHECK THIS OUT" spots as well. But anyway...before I start writing an article for the Los Angeles Tourism offices I will get back on track. But the bottom line is...I am going to find an array of fun and experiences in L.A. that is for sure.

I met two of my roomies and one of their friends the same evening that I landed at a cool restaurant "Lab" near the USC campus. While I attempted to be my usual self I found myself acting nervous and awkward...but apparently I was neither to them. While it is naturally awkward meeting people in person for the first time, I could tell that with time I will get along with them swimmingly well.

Another thing I was terrified of was the possibility of me not liking the campus or the school itself. And yes...I suppose I took a risk by not visiting the school in the first place. However I was going to go to USC regardless if I got in for the opportunities and the location. The minute I stepped on campus I let out a giant sigh...of relief. The campus is gorgeous and even at 7am in the morning. As the day progressed I continued to meet familiar faces on Facebook and new faces...and all of them were friendly and bubbling with excitement. As I explored the campus further I only fell in love with it more. My dad even got emotional...which never happens. It was a crowning achievement moment for myself. I had gotten myself there and no one else. The whole day was rather intense...a lot was thrown in our direction all at once...but it was all exhilarating. Also, I was the ONLY, I repeat the ONLY transfer theatre major at that orientation session. This was actually really nice because I got to interact with my new advisement counselors and a few existing theatre majors on a one on one basis. I registered for classes and for the first time in my academic career I got to CHOOSE my classes...what a concept?! I am taking everything from Cinema to Experiments (a class emphasized around rehearsal in which two musicals are produced throughout the classes). I am very excited.

After orientation my dad and I headed over to my new L.A. bungalow...which is adorable. Adorable is the exact word to describe it. We were met by an extremely friendly Hispanic family who toured us around the house. It is the perfect size for four people and is more than nice for a group of actors/college students...and the price sure beats the hell out of USC housing.

From then on my dad and I went out for a nice dinner and then drove around the area...from Rodeo Drive to the Santa Monica area and pier...it was a lot in such a short amount of time, but it was so nice. We concluded our adventures and final day in the center of Hollywood. I not only got to walk the steps of the Kodak Theatre but pay homage to Michael Jackson at his star and shrine. It was very cool. It was exhilarating to be there amongst the imprints of Hollywood legends because it was a physical reminder of where I was. Where I had come to. Hollywood. THE Hollywood, California. It was the beginning of this long adventure I am embarking on. It gave me chills to see the stars and feet of all of these artists I look up to...and to daydream about possibly making it to that one day sent chills up my spine.

I could obviously go on and on about my two and a half days in Los Angeles but you will all hear plenty about my adventures in L.A. when I move there. Even now as I sit on my bed in Fort Collins, Colorado it still feels unreal. Like someone needs to pour a bucket of Lobsters on my head to wake me up. But every so often I am reminded that it is indeed reality. And that feeling is enough to make me so ridiculously happy.

Somone Pinch Me.

2009-06-29T23:31:00.000-07:00

I need to wake up from this coma I am in. This void of reality. Is this really happening? Am I really flying to Los Angeles, California tomorrow...to go to the University of Southern California's Orientation session? Am I really living in a beautiful house in downtown Los Angeles with three fellow actors? Am I actually pursuing my dreams? Am I actually moving to Los Angeles, California to become the actor and individual I want to become? Is this all real? Even though I am occassionally reminded from my butterflies and nerves that it is clearly real, it still doesn't seem like it. It couldn't be happening to me could it? Either way it IS happening. And even though that comes with a bundle of conflicting emotions...I'm actually living it. Wow. Excuse me while I shit myself.

Well I am off to finish packing and go to bed...I have a flight to catch to Los Angeles tomorrow. Goodnight world. Wish me luck this week. :)

Excitement.

2009-06-24T00:41:00.000-07:00

One week until I am in Los Angeles for Orientation. EEEEEEEEH. I am so nervous but so excited at the same time. I talked to one of my future housemates today on video chat and she is so sweet. It got me excited...even though I probably seemed nervous...I was so excited. It really is not that hard to meet people...especially if they are friendly. Apparently our house is "beautiful" and I cannot wait to see it in person...as well as my housemates. I am so excited to meet them in person. And to just jump start things. It is already crystal clear how many opportunities will be presented in Los Angeles. And it is now when I begin to realize it is ACTUALLY happening. I am not just dreaming it, I am not just imagining it. I am embarking on my dreams and doing something about it.

Scary. Truly Scary.

2009-06-22T15:15:00.000-07:00

I could have found a bazillion videos like the following one but I got too angry. It is so incredibly frightening to know that people like this exist in this world.

I may not be God...and I may not be the Pope...but I know that being a Christian means opening your heart to others...LOVE. LOVE. These people promote hatred...and it terrifies me.

SO GOOD.

2009-06-22T01:08:00.000-07:00

I don't care if this is real or if this was staged. The matter of the fact is that this is a damn good tantrum. One you might see from me one day if you don't watch it.

OFFICIALLY Summer.

2009-06-19T13:35:00.000-07:00

So it took a little bit longer for summer to spring upon Northern Colorado, but I think (knock on wood) it has sprung! How do I know this...between the hot weather, the bright sun and fun sleep-overs in tents, it is hard not to think it is summer! It is even warm enough to go skinny dipping (which I plan on doing very soon...sshhh, don't tell the authorities). Things are moving, that is for sure. It is already June 19th and just a moment ago I was flipping my calendar from May to June. Time does move fast when you are occupied or having fun. And sometimes, it goes by far too fast! But ever since I have begun focusing on the present, I have been very content and happy. I have come to terms with the fact that all of the exciting opportunities (as far as film, television, stage and acting work goes) will not be presented to me until the fall...but I have all of this time beforehand to enjoy my summer and friends and work. I cannot think about tomorrow or the next week or next month because they will come to me eventually...and I would have been worrying too much about the future that I missed out on all of the joy and beauty of the present. We do more in one day than we think we do...we call it being bored...but we are really actively participating in life...regardless of how "exciting" the activities in our lives are.

I must admit, I was a bit freaked out about housing for the fall...but now I am so happy. Housing is not guaranteed for transfers at USC (yeah I know) and so I wanted to try to find a back up in case I was not granted university housing. There were several options that were presented to me, but by a stroke of fate I found my future housemates and house. YES AN ACTUAL HOUSE...in LOS ANGELES! One of the housemates messaged me on Facebook and had seen that I was looking for potential housing...and said he had to go back to Norway because of something with his green card and offered me a spot in his house! I took him up on his offer right away. And it is supposedly really nice and cheap for a house in Los Angeles...AND I will have my own room in case I need to break away from reality and take a nap in privacy. I would be paying almost double the price to share a room with two others in USC housing...I am so unbelievably stoked. My housemates seem incredibly cool and are also all theatre majors. It will definitely help me make an easier transition into the social world. I am a very outgoing individual, don't get me wrong, but when I am moving to a new location and am put in front of hundreds...thousands of strangers...I go into wallflower mode...and don't act the way I truly do all the rest of the time...it is just bad. This way I can befriend my housemates and have an easier transition into meeting fellow theatre majors, etc instead of being paralyzed in nerves and anxiety.

I have already met an abundant amount of theatre majors and USC students in general on Facebook...they have all been so gracious in offering me help, advice and invites to parties when I come to LA. Which will be sooner than I thought it would be initially. Technically the lease starts August 1st, but I am going to try to find some grace period of a week or so to wait to move out there. I am excited, but at the same time I do not want to cut my summer short by any means. But right now that is too far ahead in the future to think about. Orientation is less than two weeks away...oh my goodness. Right now I am going to take a little nap before work and just chill. Because it is the summer...and I can nap whenever I want (kind of).

Revelations.

2009-06-15T23:28:00.000-07:00

A weekend up in the mountains can do wonders for the head. Windex for the worries...completely cleansing the body of stress. Euphoria. Every time I go up to the mountains or immerse myself in nature I am completely astonished at how easy going I become. Going up to the cabin has its effect on me...that is certain. It also has the ability to bring upon revelations--emotionally and mentally. While lounging on a rather large rock on "Lake Davis", also known as "Lake Sunshine", I had many mini epiphanies. All of them seem like common sense...but for just a moment I actually felt content with my findings.

1. I worry too much. I am the happiest when I am completely unaware of my flaws or imperfections, or embrace them.

2. There is a fine line between obsessing/worrying too much and wanting to stay on top of things/be motivated.

3. I need to find the excitement in the fear. The pleasure in the failure. I often am worried about things which should be exciting and not horrifying or bad for my mental/physical health.

4. These should be the best years of my life. I need to stop over-analyzing everything and have fun. Throw the inhibitions to the wind and take advantage of my youth. Find something that scares me everyday and act on it...whether it is on a large or small scale. Work towards being fearless...

There were many other points that I came across in my time up in the mountains this weekend. But above all the one that really is a life changing one and sounds so simple is:

5. Live in the present, the now. DO NOT think about tomorrow, or the next week...because you may not be alive for the next week...but you are alive now and that is beautiful.

RENT.

2009-06-12T00:06:00.001-07:00

I saw the Broadway touring company of "Rent" tonight. I had never seen the show live...only had listened to the soundtrack 198273839938389 times since I was 13. It was magical. Truly magical...seeing the show live, and with some of the original cast members (Pascal and Rapp). There was so much depth and energy presented on stage. Yes, there were some weak moments with acting (Mimi's understudy at points) but overall it was a complete throwback to why I fell in love with musical theatre. I so clearly remember blasting the "Rent" soundtrack in my bedroom freshman year in high school (even before then). I remember borrowing it from the library and I remember blasting it as I drove down Mountain when I first got my license. "Rent" was HUGE in my life...the influence and impact it made was immense. I can thank "Rent" for helping me think outside of the box. Growing up in an extremely conservative and Catholic environment is hard as it is. "Rent" was my portal to another world of art and bohemia. I became open minded because of "Rent". Honestly. I don't think I knew what a drag queen was until I was introduced to Angel. I fell in love with all of the characters and their stories. But even more...I fell in love with the music.

I have lost track at how many times I have rocked out to songs from "Rent" before a show or after a show or a cast party or just in the middle of class. It ushered a new era and generation into the world and the world of musical theater. "Rent" made musical theatre cool and accepted. I was never so obsessed that I could be called a "renthead"...like some people in the audience tonight, but I loved the show for what it was and how revolutionary it was. It changed and is changing so many lives. As I sat with Cassie before the show and during intermission, I asked her how many people would walk out and not come back...surprisingly when the lights went dark again there were only (roughly) five empty seats. Colorado is usually fairly conservative, so I was proud that so many people stayed and had open minds. Another thing that fueled the goosebumps...was the amount of energy in the audience. As soon as the lights dimmed and Adam Pascal walked across the stage I felt like I was at a football game...everyone was cheering so insanely loud. And the same for Anthony Rapp and the others...everyone was there for them...the cast. To know you are in a show that has impacted so many people...an entire generation...generations...that is just unbelievable to think about. I hope I make an accomplishment like that at some point in my career as an actor, singer and performer.

Ooohhhh....and I also got some autographs from Anthony Rapp and the ladies who played Maureen and Mimi...it was so drowsy and rainy that most of the actors just went to their hotel rooms after. It was just nice to see the actors in the flesh. It always is.

NO DAY BUT TODAYYY!

Drive.

2009-06-10T22:28:00.000-07:00

I'm in my room. It is almost midnight. The fan is swiftly blowing and Tracy Champan's "Fast Car" is playing in the background. I love that song. I love music in general. For the past two days I have been belting out "Hair" and songs from "Next to Normal". I usually sing when I am inspired, excited, jumpy or bored. I'm seeing "Rent" with a great friend of mine tomorrow night, I am very excited! "Rent" was a major influence on me and my love for musical theatre. I remember renting the cast album from the library when I was 13. SO weird to think that was seven years ago...really? So much has changed since then...but then again, a lot hasn't. I am still me. Still the Braden who loves singing show tunes and re-enacting scenes from movies. I am and have always been an actor and performer. I look back at baby albums and can see the lust for performing even at the innocent age of 2. There is a sparkle in my eye...a little bit of jazz hands. My parents remind me that they used to watch "Star Search" with me when I was a baby and I was enthralled. They tell me I danced to Oprah's theme song whenever the show came on. I have always been eccentric and a bit crazy. Not crazy, just lively. Which is why this semester was very hard for me because I began to see the liveliness die a little bit. The passion was still there, but was extinguished by certain things. Now I am better...I am working towards something. TRAINING...I am TRAINING again...with my art! I am so unbelievably excited to start again (anxious) but SO excited. As the lovely Alice Ripley said at her Tony's acceptance speech (something along the lines of), "In College I trained and worked to get a BFA...a Bachelor's of Fine Arts. This is an art...it takes time and training".

I am excited to get back to making something. Collaborating. Making a performance. Challenging myself. Pushing the boundaries in acting and singing and in life. I wrote in my journal a couple weeks ago...I want to work towards becoming fearless. Of course it is IMPOSSIBLE to be completely fearless but to be fearless once or twice in a day or perform an act you would not normally do. Acting is the best when you are fearless, no hold ups. It is the same in life. Relationships and friendships last longer when you aren't judging everything or being insecure all of the time. It is good to be fearless. It is something I am working on. Ever so surely I become a little more confident in my abilities and potential...every day. Yes it helps to hear people say positive things about your talent and future, but that is not what you should rely on. Thank God I am driven. Actors (douchey sometimes) like Matthew Morrison say that his advice to future actors is to stop doing it because it is too hard...that is because he is scared of someone showing him up. Yes a lot of actors will crumble under the pressure. But thank God I love doing this so much. To stop doing it would be like to stop living and breathing. Yes, I'm sure a lot of young performers say the same exact thing...but sometimes they are not actually merited with talent. No one is exactly positive of their capabilities, but all I know is that there are a lot of people supporting my choice because of what they see in me. I have a lot to share with the world.

Ugh Twilight.

2009-06-09T14:38:00.001-07:00

I am shamelessly stealing this link from my friend Jordan. This proves how absurd Twilight has become. Sad that the only thing these people know sexually...is a vampire and werewolf.

The Tony's.

2009-06-09T00:22:00.000-07:00

It is 1:22 AM on what is now a Tuesday morning. I have been inspired once again. Firstly, I had a nice lengthy conversation with my friend Erica over the phone. Not only was it nice to hear her voice and to hear she is doing well but we discussed life and the mysteries of it...like usual. Then when I came home I could not stop watching YouTube videos of The Tony's. Everytime I watch an award show like The Tony's I become instantly inspired again. I could not imagine doing anything else but playing fascinating characters and singing on stage or behind the camera. I love it...so very much. I am so excited to get back to work in the fall and continue to fine tune my talents. The downfall of watching The Tony's is the fact that I want to be doing that NOW. But everything takes time...and to be honest I don't think I am completely prepared. I am just going to let things play out...I know how driven I am and I know of the exciting opportunities that will be present in Los Angeles and etc. Time. Patience. The best lesson to be learned.

I have also been thinking a lot about leaving my family again in the fall. It saddens me and consumes a lot of my thoughts. I love them so very much...and while I know I have to leave Colorado to do the things I want to do at the level I want to do them...it still saddens me to know I will not be within walking distance. Yes, I know I can't change these things...and yes I can't think about morbid things...they will happen wherever I am. Life is cruel this way. We live with our family for so long, we love them, we hate them but really we just love them...and then...you are catapulted away from them. On your own. I like being independent but I also love the comfort my parents give me. The constant support, the hugs, the conversations. I have grown closer with them throughout this past semester. I love them so very much. And my family and pets in general. But I am living on the fact that they are so proud of me and what I am doing...they know I am actively pursuing my dreams and while it slightly terrifies them...they know that I am very diligent and persistent. The only thing I can ask for is that they will be there when I make it.

I have provided a couple of my favorite performances from the Tony's this year. I have become really addicted to "Hair" again...I would love to play anyone in that show. I have the soundtrack on shuffle and have been listening to it non-stop. And I have a man crush on Gavin Creel. And as far as "Billy Elliot" goes...I am jealous of those little boys...who gets to star on Broadway at that age? And where did you get those dance skills?

Nap Time.

2009-06-07T14:51:00.000-07:00

I don't want to go to work today. I just wanna lie on my bed, turn on some TV on DVD and nap. Just surrender to some shut eye. Stop worrying and just nap. I have been thinking a lot lately but right now I have to go get ready for work. Bloggie to come later tonight or tomorrow! Oooh the Tony's are on tonight! But I will be at work so I gots to record them...well no more time to talk. Off to be an ice cream wizard. :p

It's Beginning to Hit Me.

2009-06-05T00:34:00.000-07:00

It hit me. Again. Just this very minute. I am going to be living in Los Angeles. Yes...I am scared shitless. But the nerves are equally met with a feeling of relief and excitement. It is enough to know that I will be attending one of the best Universities and Theatre programs in the United States...but what really gets me going is the location. Los Angeles...Hollywood. THE BIG LEAGUES. Yes, I will land in LAX and probably start shaking in my boots. I will probably begin to doubt my abilities, my strength and my courage. But then I will remind myself that I am PHYSICALLY pursuing my dreams. For so long I have talked to people about moving out to L.A. to pursue my acting career. How I was going to continue my studies at USC while auditioning and starting my career...and I am sure many of those people just rolled their eyes and thought, "How cute...how naive of him". But then it happened. IT ACTUALLY HAPPENED! Twas a dark and rainy evening when I ran out to the mailbox and saw that beautiful package. It was physical proof of a big success of mine. I hope to have many more in the future.

Not going to lie, a majority of the time people look at me like I am crazy when I tell them I want to be in movies and on big stages. Not that they doubt me or my talents...they just don't think I am strong enough or have the will power. But lately these thoughts have shifted. The other day my mom said, "Wow...whatever Braden puts his mind to...he achieves". She calls up family and friends constantly and tells them the good news about the fall...how she wants to come out and visit me all the time with the family. It feels good to hear sentiments like this again. Truly. For a while there I began to panic...foolishly. I was in a rut. But now, I am happy to report...I am beginning to see the other side of this rut, this tunnel. And it looks promising. I have a lot of support...from family, friends, professors and co-workers. I feel a little shaky (the nerves of starting a new life basically) but I know that things happen for a reason. This happened for a reason. I am already meeting a lot of really kind people from USC and they are pumping me up! Yes there is the occasional distant individual but it IS Facebook. It seems to me that I am one of the only Theatre transfers this year that was accepted...I don't know whether to feel flattered or scared. I have to prove myself to these talented performers and faculty!

I feel a little rusty in theatre, singing and acting...but when it comes down to it, it is just like riding a bike...you always go back to it easily. SO yes...my mind is occupied with thoughts of the future. I have my occasional anxiety...but I think it is the combination of excitement for the fall and my present happiness with how the summer is going that makes me feel content. I love my family...my friends...and work. I don't want to jinx ANYTHING...but I feel that things are moving (ever so slowly) in a good direction. I have to remember why I became an actor and fall in love with this art every day...whether I am in a show or not. Whether I am auditioning or not. This is a huge part of my life. I can't wait to get back into action. When it comes down to it I have a feeling the nerves and anxiety will disappear and I will kick some booty...I have a lot of pent up emotions just waiting to explode!

Now that I made the deposit, am amidst a housing hunt and have signed up for orientation on July 1st...things seems real. Or are at least beginning to form into reality in my head. In other news Emily and I had a little Salsa making gathering at mi casa tonight! It involved many easy going activities...one which included blankets. :) Pictures are attached. Well...goodnight world...you are so fascinating. I hope tomorrow will bring another day of beauty.

I LOVE Allison Harvard!

2009-06-04T22:25:00.000-07:00

I know I said this when she lost the competition on this cycle of ANTM...but I love Allison Harvard. I want to meet her one day...if she takes her L.A. modeling jobs maybe I will see her around! This video is one of the many reasons why I LOVE HER!

A New Anthem...

2009-06-03T21:32:00.000-07:00

I don't know about you all but I LOVE the Black Eyed Peas...I know you either love them or hate them but I have been listening to them since I was in junior high. I have been a die hard BEP fan and even defended them during the "My Humps" period...anyhoo...they have just released their new single, "I Gotta Feeling". And it is going to be the sure fired anthem for weekend nights and the summer...and L.A. You have heard it here first! Not to mention if you look really carefully you can see Ruthie's and mine darling Ongina...look for her carefully...she is dancing fabulously in the right corner in a section and jumping into pools...it is quite fantastic. I have provided the video for your visual and audio enjoyment. The anthem of the summer and this fall...it makes me think of L.A. and it gets me supppper exciteeeddd. Not to mention...Fergie in ASSLESS chaps! ;)

In other news...I just saw "Up!" tonight with my lil' brother Colin. That movie is SAD! Yes it has its laughs and its adventure but damn did that movie make me cry. In fact I have never heard so many audible sniffles in the audience since "The Notebook". Throughout the movie I had to remind myself that I was watching a PIXAR/Disney film! Don't get me wrong...it was wonderful...realistic even...showing the truth in grief and the loss of a loved one...but just be warned...UP! is not what it is advertised as!

P.S. I just congratulated Ongina on the cameo in the music video and we had a little chat...it was fantastic. Basically...she is aware of the fact that I am coming to L.A. in the fall...invited me to a show...and said, "Best of luck. I will be seeing you around". Oh I am totally fan girling this out. It hit me again that I am moving to L.A. in the fall! I am actually doing it! Pursuing my dreams. I am scared shitless...but SO happy.

3 AM

2009-06-02T01:59:00.001-07:00

The rain is dripping on my ceiling...and then onto my window. It is extremely therapeutic. Because it is 3 AM I will keep this bloggie short...especially since I am having lunch with Chelsey tomorrow! I began the USC process today...well technically I began it on Saturday when I payed the deposit. Today I applied for housing with my dad and looked into Orientation information. I also recieved some preliminary financial aid. I am hoping it is PRELIMINARY because there was not much of it. Which sucks balls. I received some loans (and not that much either). Which means that unless they do not award me any additional scholarships or grants I will have to apply my little booty off for outside scholarships. I didn't even get work study...but I rarely do. It is baffling to me that more than half of the people who are attending in the fall did not even apply for financial aid. Who has that much money to shell out instantly?! Good for you...I am truly jealous.

Anyhoo...between all the preliminary steps for the fall I got excited again. I finally feel a little bit like it is actually happening. I also feel partly guilty for the cost...and a little nervous for the housing. In the view book they attach in the beautiful acceptance packet it says, "Housing is not guaranteed for transfers." This makes me super nervous. So I'm putting out my good vibes because I don't want to live on a bench this year. I looked into non-USC living in the area and it is hella expensive...so needless to say I NEED to get into one of the living spaces. Regardless, all of this stressing is still exciting. I will be extremely relieved when I find out I have a place to live. Besides that I just have to continue to work my little booty off, pick up as many hours as possible and save all of the money for school. This is an exciting opportunity I would be crazy not to follow through with! IT is f-ing University of Southern California...the alum list is ridiculous! The connections are even better. I also discovered that Jason Robert Brown...yes THE Jason Robert Brown is a faculty member...wtf. I am so stoked. Well I'm tiiirrrreeeddd. The rain is coming down even harder. My right eye has been blood shot for two days...perhaps it is because of lack of sleep. Well nighty. Peace.

I Did It!

2009-05-29T23:28:00.000-07:00

I did it....I am going to USC!

I would have written a blog earlier...but as you could imagine I was far too excited! If you have been following my blog for a while...you understand how much this means to me!

Roughly a day and a half ago I got a beautiful red and gold packet from the University of Southern California welcoming me to the Trojan family. And my face looked something along the lines of this:

Granted this shot is posed by hey...nothing could re-enact the sheer euphoria that was pouring over my entire being. I had a slight feeling that I was accepted because I was able to login to the deposit site two days prior...which only admitted students are allowed to do...but I wanted to keep it hush hush in case I was rejected in the end and only ended up making a fool of myself! But in the end I felt like anything but a fool!

USC is a damn good school...the next best thing to Ivy League...I only say this because I am still shocked at the fact that I was able to get into such an established and rigorous University. What made me even more ecstatic was the fact that I was admitted to the Theatre Program (BA Track...which is what I wanted anyway). I have already gotten a taste of what a BFA program is like and found out that I need to be well rounded so that I am a well rounded performer and individual. With the BA track I will still be apart of the prestigious School of Theatre, be able to audition for a majority of the season's shows but also be able to study abroad and take theatre classes and non theatre classes. However, most importantly I will have more time to audition and find agents! NETWORK! NETWORK! NETWORK! BA or BFA it does not matter anyway. It is the experience and the connections made that DOES.

I know that the next two and a half (maybe three-ish) years studying in Los Angeles will be rigorous, scary, exciting and life changing. And you know what...that is exactly what I wanted. Even now...only two days after my acceptance I am beginning to get nervous...I am beginning to shake a little...but I know deep down that this would not have happened if it was not meant to be. As Oprah once said, "We can't become what we need to be by remaining what we are." I am feeling this. Hopefully it will be good. Out of everything though, getting into USC has shown me that I have the ability to stand out of 10,000 fellow applicants, which means I definitely have the ability to make it in the industry I want to be in so badly. Even though I always knew I could do it and know that I will be successful one day...sometimes it takes something like this to let the ones around you realize that you really CAN do anything you put your mind to.

I thought my parents would be "happy" for me...but never encourage me to attend the school itself. But boy have I been suprised. My mom always wanted me to go to an Ivy League school...and I told her it would be pointless to do such a thing in theatre...but this is the second best thing...they are completely supporting me with their hugs and love taps and kind words. I hugged my mom for a minute and a half today...just relieved and happy...I showed her that I'm back...and in action. I love my family so very much. My Auntie Gail was here last weekend for my brother's high school grad BBQ and I had told her I was applying to USC...she happened to come visit our house the day I got in...it was so cool to share that with more than my immediate family! While my financial aid package won't be here for a week or so...I am going to put down a deposit and hopefully I will be graced with a scholarship of some kind or at least student loans or work study (crossing my fingers for all of the above).

Either way...I am going to make it work! I can't wait to wear the USC sweatshirt..attend football games, audition for student films and just act...perform...in f-ing LOS ANGELES! I am studying while jump starting my acting career...what could be better?! I'm scared shitless but as all things seem to go...it will eventually come together!

I celebrated with a slumber party last night. Swung by work and got my paycheck...it was smaller than I thought it would be. :*( I hope they are going to get bigger and not smaller because I am not going to have ANY money for the fall! Then afterwards to raise my spirits Kaitlin and I sampled tea next door at the amazingly cool tea shop...bought some FRESH from the source tea leaves and got dinner. Then we went to the Lyric and journaled for a bit...then got into an odd funk because we were discussing insecurities and bad times in our lives and fear for our salaries and such...but we soon fixed it with some of that delicious jasmine tea and a list of happy things! So now I am in an odd mood...somewhere between content and anxious...but slowly easing into the content side. I told Kaitlin...we have to live in the NOW...we have to be able to enjoy the present moment...and not think so far in the future! Kaitlin told me American Idol season 9 is auditioning in Denver in July and it made me think and get anxious for some reason...while I want to audition so badly I am not ready yet...I want to be dynamite before I do that...I did not think it would be so soon before auditions came around...but I will just have to judge how I am feeling around then...I don't want anything to screw up my fall plans...and something like American Idol is so iffy anyway...you never know whats going to happen. I don't think I could handle the process right now and still don't feel confident that my singing abilities are the best that they could be...they aren't right now...I am getting better every day...maybe next season. What do you guys think...

So for now my babies I am going to try to refresh my mind of the recent success I have made and live life to the fullest...embracing my family and friends and working towards my fall in Los Angeles! I am going to visit the campus SOON...either way, although L.A. isn't the prettiest of cities I am going there for the opportunities not the geography...it is the hub of the film industry and close to the ocean and Disneyland...that is all I care about.

Live Long and Prosper.

2009-05-28T01:42:00.000-07:00

Saw the new "Star Trek" movie finally. I have never watched an episode of the show or any of the movies so I was a Trekkie virgin. I LOVED it. My friends and even myself have determined that I am basically Spock. Hence the picture. Live well and prosper. Nighty!

Rainy Memorial Day.

2009-05-25T23:48:00.001-07:00

I open the shop tomorrow so this bloggy is going to be a short one. I just returned from a rousing evening with the Eulbergs. Not only did we have a delicious dinner but we also played an appetizing card game for several hours...it was quite fun. Man do those people get into their cards! I love it...I think I am going to indoctrinate my own family in the way of serious card playing. There could have been nothing better to do this evening since it was pretty pathetic outside...meaning drowsy and rainy. Come on summer...I know you are out there...show yourself!

I have been working A LOT...which is tiring sometimes but an excellent way to make money. And with the hours I am working I will definitely have a fairly good chunk of money for the fall (if I save most of it...which I am planning on). Thank God I make tips...I live day to day on my tips. Speaking of fall...this week (hopefully) I will find out my final admissions status from University of Southern California (i.e whether I am accepted or rejected. Hopefully it is the first one). Give me your good vibes this week bloggers or bloggy readers! I will definitely need it. Yesterday at Evan's graduation barbecue I was amongst many relatives and all of them asked me what my plans are for the fall. I told them of my California schools and they wished me the best of luck. I played it off coolly but inside I was shaking...I am still shaking in my boots...right now these schools are my way out Colorado...well let me re-phrase...the only way my parents would support my move to California.

When it comes down to it...I know for a fact that I belong at either USC or Chapman. I have had a sturdy academic background (with the exception of 2 D's in high school), an expansive amount of activities, dedication, passion and professionalism with both school itself and acting. I didn't go to school this semester so I could work...and I have been working a lot...I feel like I am a damn good candidate...but I probably shouldn't be saying such things in case I get a small white envelope this week instead of a nice juicy red "Welcome" package. A very, very, very small part of me doesn't even want to see the rejection letter. I don't want to see another physical reminder of how I wasn't good enough for somewhere or someone. I would like to build up my confidence...not completely shatter. Everyone asked me what my plans were if I were rejected from both schools...and honestly the only thing I can think of now is moving out to L.A. and working...taking acting classes and auditioning...and perhaps re-applying to USC and surrounding schools like UCLA. Preferably I would like to see a positive letter/package this week since I have been waiting for six months...not to mention everyone in my life basically knows how much I want to go to USC and or Chapman...just to be in L.A. and work...and not receiving admission would be a huge let down for myself but also for others...although perhaps a huge financial relief for my parents. Also a huge relief for you bloggy readers...I myself am fed up with my constant doting on admissions statuses and such...but you have to put your place in my shoes...this is such a nerve wrecking process! I don't remember being this nervous during my senior year of high school! It probably doesn't help that I continue to read and comment on the USC admissions message board every time I log onto my computer.

It is a hard thing not knowing where the hell you are going to be in the fall. I know where I want to be...and I want to be there so badly...I just hope that my life and destiny agrees with what I want so very badly. Well I would expand on this bloggy but going to get some shut eye so I am not a complete zombie tomorrow at work. Night!

Graduation.

2009-05-23T23:37:00.000-07:00

As I sat in the Moby Gym today...amongst hundreds upon hundreds of families, friends and students...I was instantly transported to two years ago. The blue cap and gowns...the honor chords, sashes...everything. Singing "Seasons of Love" from Rent and "The River" by Garth Brooks. Squeezing a friend's hand so I wouldn't tear up during "Seasons of Love". Sitting next to 600 plus students who looked just as funny as me in their cap and gowns. Being partitioned off from the other 500 or something students because I was in I.B. Seeing the teachers and Mrs. Lundt in their rather Harry Potter esque robes and sashes. It was magical. And today...everything came full circle. Besides the fact that Rocky Mountain High School's graduation took almost triple the time it took for Poudre's...I still basked in the familiar surroundings. As soon as the band cued up for "Pomp and Circumstance" I wanted to be walking with them. Graduation and the times that followed before and after were some of the best times in my entire life. I felt vital. I felt intense and talented. I felt so focused and so intelligent. I felt proud of my success...of my family and of my friends. I felt loved. And as I sat in the audience this time around...I finally felt the time gap. Two years. My goodness it has been two whole years since I graduated high school...I have to get into the rhythm of things again..I can't wait any longer to pursue my dreams or what I want in life. Life is too short.

Sitting down in the Moby Gym confirmed my desire to receive a collegiate degree. Yes in theatre since that is my career and passion. But perhaps minor in something like English...or something accessible...that expands my wittle mind. In two (ish) years...if everything goes as planned...I will once again be marching proudly to "Pomp and Circumstance" with a degree in theatre in my hand. I'm so anxious to get back to school...I forgot how much I missed it. I had a rather pleasant high school experience and from what I experienced in my first year and a half in college I also enjoyed college. I guess my anxiety to get into the real world and just make movies and be on stage got in the way of what is truly important...training. Training, training and education. This is a gift to the actor. Actor Charles Nelson Reilly once said, "In my day we did something that is now unheard of in the acting world...we studied the craft". I don't want to be a stupid actor.

Anyhoo...before I get into a day long rant...my USC online status just changed yesterday (5/23) to "your application is being reviewed by the admissions committee...." which is the last status update before a decision is sent out via mail. So next week I will find out my fate...if I am meant to be a Trojan or no...I hope it's the first one. I am super nervous.

See that's my nervous face. That's also my...I'm lying on my bed and there is a giant ass spider crawling on my ceiling face.

I won't find out from Chapman for another three weeks....which I was never expecting. Either way right now is an interesting time for me. Between leading shifts as a shift manager at Ben and Jerry's and seeing family and friends and worrying about the fall and college...life is fine. Just fine. Speaking of family...I always love it when my family comes to town or vice versa. My Slovak side of the family are so adorable...the other side too but I was brought up amongst the Slovak side more...I love them so very much. Everything about them.

Tonight I was driving with a friend in the car when one of her tire's popped...thanks to a half broken beer bottle...probably from a graduation party...but regardless...after fiddling in the dark for an hour my Dad saved the day and fixed the tire situation in fifteen minutes. What a hoss. But yes. This is life right now. Graduation weekend, work, schools, life...friends and family...oh and summer. I forgot how much I love summer. Besides the rainy day today...I love the feel and warmth I get from a beautiful summer's day. I have a lot of different things planned for the next three months...I am sure I will add more every day. But for now...bed is sounding really good...goodnight world, see you in the morning.

Glee.

2009-05-23T00:22:00.001-07:00

You know what...I thought I would absolutely despise the new series on Fox..."Glee"...partially because I think Matthew Morrison is one of the biggest douches actor wise...but after watching the pilot I am pleasantly suprised. They do a great job of casting people who really can sing but also showing the genuine truth of what it is like to be in musical theatre/show choir in a high school. While I am already in love with some characters and despise a majority of the others...I still am liking this show. I think it is for anyone who remembers high school but more for musical theatre buffs like myself. I could do without Morrison and the occassional misplaced and mis-cast actor but besides that I think this is a show that will gain a huge fan base.

On another note...I wish I was in Los Angeles right now so I could somehow find a loophole and audition for the series. I seriously belong on this show. "Glee" is an example of the kind of projects I will probably and hopefully get cast in when I find my nitch in Hollywood...(crossing fingers).

Just Fine.

2009-05-22T00:37:00.001-07:00

So...this is going to be a quickie. No...not that kind of quickie...this is a relatively CLEAN blog. But anyhoo babies...life is fine. Just fine. Yes...still fine...not bad in any means...but not AS good as it could be...but that doesn't mean that its not good or great. I think summer brings a lot of great emotions honestly. The weather (with the exception of today's cloudy day) just oozes warmth and happiness. Nothing like lying down on a field of grass or hammock as the sun dozes off behind Old Town Square. Staying up late with friends...sharing stories and laughter...sleep overs. All of it. Work...everything...it is simply grand. And yes, I didn't have to deal with a semester of college this past semester...but I dealt with life, which can sometimes be harder. Sometimes the hardest thing is free time...pondering things can sometimes be a dangerous thing. The tool to one's demise even. The key is stopping...taking a deep breath and opening your eyes. No matter where you are there is beauty everywhere. Whether it was in front of Lake Michigan at twilight on a run or in the middle of Old Town Fort Collins laughing with ice cream in hand...beauty is to be seen...everywhere.

We live in a thriving world. Even though it does not seem like it sometimes...this world is home to life. LIFE...always growing, always changing and always challenging LIFE. Anyone who is bored has not resorted to all of their options. Do something scandalous...go skinny dipping...run through city park screaming something obscene. In this world we do seem to rely on the company of our friends or family or others in general...but the thing is...we answer to ourselves at the end of the day. We are the masters of our destiny (I am aware I have used this phrase many times before...but its so true). If we don't like something we have the ability to change course. If we realized we made a mistake we have the ability to go back...and in sometimes we aren't able to right then and there...but eventually our paths lead us back. Just because I don't see my Chicago friends every day doesn't mean that I don't love them any less (and hopefully vice versa). Friendships are friendships and any decent friend will maintain the bond. In retrospect...I am aware of how grumpy and annoying I was whenever I spoke with my friends...especially the one's I cared for. I'm embarrassed of my behavior but that was the past...this is the present and presently I am an individual who has grown immensely from his mistakes and mishaps. We would not grow any other way...would we? Yes I am not able to go back to Roosevelt...but I'm not barred from visiting the school or the city...or my friends. Yes I am still in the dark with my California schools...but whatever happens will happen for a reason.

Realizing this is the hardest part. That life moves on. That decisions are made...sometimes we can't do anything about them...but we have to move on. We can't stay paralyzed on a square...this is not a board game. You can't be weak or you will crumble. There are so many people in this planet...so many things to do...just because a friend doesn't respond via text or Facebook DOES NOT mean they don't care. I was thoroughly relieved when I recently spoke with my friend Karissa. People can be ridiculous when they obsess about things. I am such a person. I always obsessed about the things that weren't in my control. I always expected every single one of my friends to pay heed to my wants and needs. To be there for me. They were...they just weren't able to talk on the phone or couldn't text me right then and there. While there was a slight change in the way I spoke with Karissa...simply because of time...we were still the same people when it came down to it. The people that are important to you will stick with you throughout your entire life and I thoroughly believe this of many of my Chicago friends. School is school...but it is four years. 2.5 years from now I am sure we will all meet up and perhaps even live in the same city. AND SCHOOL WILL NOT SEGREGATE US! Besides, I am surrounded with great friends here in Colorado as well. And hopefully, come fall, I will be met with new faces and new potential friends.

Life is so unpredictable...but it is this very fact that makes it so orgasmic. Life is never constant...and when it is...that is when it gets boring. And like I said...I try not to do boring. So to answer the question of how I am...yes...I am just fine.

Guess this entry was not as quick as I thought it would be...I have yet to journal today so all of my thoughts were just oozing out of my pores I suppose. Goodnight world...see you in the morning.

Goodnight Moon.

2009-05-18T23:58:00.000-07:00

I had a very long day. I worked from 10-5 then had dinner with my friend Tegan and then explored with Kaitlin. The exhaustion finally caught up with me. I was promoted as a shift manager or leader at Ben and Jerry's so I was training today. At dinner Tegan asked me amidst a very sunny, warm and beautiful Colorado day, "How are you?" And for the first time in long time I responded, "You know what...I'm just fine". JUST FINE. Never thought I would hear those words coming out of my mouth any time soon. Granted, it is too soon to judge what is going to happen come fall or if I will even get into my California schools...but one thing is sure...things are rolling. I'm making money and I am doing something with my time. I am being productive. It feels good. I just received my second pay check from Hollister (four months later)..a grand total of $26.90 (for roughly 20 hours of work)...what schmucks. I make much more than that in half a shift at Ben and Jerry's...AND have fun while working...imagine that! Hollister is pathetic. Which is why i quit when I did.

I have begun journal-ing again, which is probably why I haven't had anything to write about on this blog...but I like blogging...my friend Kaitlin reminded me that I hadn't blogged in a while...so I figured I would write an entry. Speaking of Kaitlin...we adventured to Boulder tonight. To my surprise and unlike the city of Fort Collins, there are still some businesses that are open at 10:30 pm on a Monday night. In fact, one of them was a very cool Bookshop connected to a very sweet smelling coffee shop. At this coffee shop we indulged in some sensual poetry and dream interpretations. Then walked about Pearl Street watching cracked out homeless men sing about their "calcium deficiencies"...we walked in the other direction. I determined that people don't really care about staring down other people...everyone is in their own little world in Boulder. I like that. Very much.

Kaitlin and I talked about everything as we sat amongst the starry and warm summer like night in Boulder, Colorado. We talked about the future, our plans and our wants. I'm trying not to panic about the fall. I'm trying to maintain my composure...but I am not quite sure I am doing a good enough job. I think everyone knows that I will shit my pants if I don't get into USC or Chapman. I don't necessarily expect to get into USC...but hopefully Chapman at the least. It is not like I am not an intellectual performer. Just cause I got 2 D's in high school does NOT mean I am not adequate enough to attend their "elite school". I'm an actor for God's sakes. I am willing to give your institution money...large amounts of it (with loans)...and I have so much to give...why would you not want me? Oh look at me now...sounding all desperate...well let's face it. I am. I don't envision myself roaming the campus of Colorado University anytime soon. I really don't. All things happen for a reason, and I just pray and pray and pray and pray that I belong in California...cause then I have to wait another semester until I find a school I truly like and am accepted into. So here's to hoping for the best. If you read my blog and know who I am...or don't know who I am...maybe you are one of those creepies who ready my blog but never post comments...what have you...please send out your good vibes in my direction...I would appreciate it.

In other news, I was thinking of going back to Roosevelt and CCPA...but like everything is supposed to happen for a reason...it is not going to work out, and I think this is a good thing. I truly do. While it does bother me to see pictures of my friends posted all over Facebook having fun without me and what have you...life goes on. They will be at that school for two more years and then they will be out in the real world. Not going to the same school as them anymore does not mean that I don't get the opportunity to be their friend still. That is far from the truth. I was worried of late that my absence effected the way my good friends saw me or thought of me. And I am sure it has slightly...but I have faith that we will stay in touch. I know we will. I was so happy to finally hear from one of my good friends that was too busy to talk for so long...I had no idea how many exciting things were happening to her...but it was just good to talk and catch up in a brief half hour before both of us had to return to our jobs or errands. I miss her and all of my friends from the conservatory so very much...but I am on a mission and on an adventure. People are rooting for me and want to see me succeed and be happy...both as an actor and an individual. I can't make my decisions because of my friends...I need to be strong...people and professors respect me for this journey I am embarking on.

Lastly...Colorado is warming up...we had a heat wave today...and it is supposed to get hotter tomorrow...personally I am kind of feeling some skinny dipping at some remote lake tomorrow. It is so freeing...skinny dipping...private lakes too I suppose. Well I'm going to go journal now and fall asleep to some sweet music I just downloaded. Goodnight moon. Goodnight world.

A Proposition for Allison Harvard.

2009-05-14T14:10:00.000-07:00

NOOOOO Allison totally should have won! I guess I just outed myself as an ANTM fan. From the first moment I saw this quirky yet sultry lady I knew she would make it to at least the top three. This Luna Lovegood look alike (Harry Potter reference) is so damn cute. I would truly like to sit down with her over lunch...discuss life...maybe have her draw me a couple works of art. She is an artist you know! And she is from one of my favorite cities in the United States of America...New Orleans...or Nawlins...as I like to call it. I think the best thing about her is the fact that she seems so down to earth and quiet...which I really like. Yet she can still bust out an awesome photo. SO Allison, if you somehow can manage to read this entry...lets set up a lunch date or something! I will fly to wherever...now I'm sounding desperate. But seriously...with your modeling skills and artistic skills and my acting slash model potential we will rule Hollywood...and maybe the world!

ZOMG!

2009-05-13T22:08:00.000-07:00

LOST! WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT!? Juliet best be coming back next season! She best. I have no idea what is going to happen! Are they alive, are they dead? Are they on the island or are they off of it?!! WAA!? I must say what an excellent two hours...and what an even better ending! I hate/love cliff-hangers, and this was sure one! On the flip side...I loved seeing Rose for five minutes. Glorious.

Oh...and this is the 100th post! Woo hoo!

Help a Brotha Out...

2009-05-12T01:04:00.001-07:00

Dear Jesus,

I know you are busy with all of the world's problems...persecutions, Iraq and such...but please take some time out for me. I know I always ask you for so much...a happy and thriving family and future...a healthy life...friends...yada yada...but I have a different request. I know you are a very fine guy and I was wondering if you could please let me get into University of Southern California or Chapman University (with scholarships or financial aid). Both would be magnificent to get into but I will take getting into either one. I know you can't make the decision for the admissions people...but perhaps bribe them with Jesus love or something of that sort. Please. I would really appreciate it! I was an altar boy for several years Jesus...if you remember. I've done my time.

I cannot wait to get back into the game. Start all over...build friendships and connections. I never thought I would be at this point in my life...but I am...and I hope something comes from my hard work and risky step towards a new beginning and environment. I pray and hope it will all come together. I really do. I am not looking down at CU...but I just need to get out...there are no opportunities that exist for me here in Colorado. I never thought myself as a California person but I know there is the possibility of a fast paced and exciting life out there. I know what I want in life and I know that I have to take chances in order to achieve it. An old path I thought I could use has been blocked off from me and I think it is a good thing. It would have only hindered me in my progression. I took a chance for a reason. Fortune favors the brave after all. Right?

Love You,
Braden

Come on Jesus...help a brotha out!

Butterflies.

2009-05-10T20:08:00.000-07:00

My head is pounding. That is the first thing I notice as I begin to write my blog. My stomach aches...but in the "I'm scared to go on that roller coaster" way. I have recently returned from a lovely day in Denver with the Momma and family...it is mother's day. I love my Momma. We went to the Denver Art Museum...which we all thoroughly enjoyed...and then had a great mother's day dinner at, "Gumbos"...a delightfully delicious Cajun restaurant in the heart of Denver. What a great meal it was...I am still stuffed. But yet I feel the butterflies. That infamous retching feeling you get in your stomach when you are about to go on a stage. It is happening again.

Behind all of this is an immense wad of confusion. Perhaps I will be less nervous when I actually know what is going to happen come fall. But as a friend said, "revel in the unknown". I can partially enjoy this statement. The unknown, while frightening, always contains an element of excitement. But as I said to myself the other day...amidst a solo dance party..."I am the master of my destiny!" It's true you know. That is the beauty of life. You have the ability to change the future...you have the ability to weasel out of a sticky situation. This being said, no matter how much you change your course, your destiny is hovering over you. And hopefully, just hopefully you will be lead down the right path to your destiny...even if you have to go back to your original destination or change your course and head in the opposite direction.

Currently I am amidst a giant map of my life. I see all of the places I have lived...Vermont, Louisiana, Idaho, Colorado, Chicago...and I see all of the places I want to be...and somewhere amongst this map is a thin line called "my future". I can't really see where it is heading. That is the point about the future. You can only know so much about what is to come. That is why it is called life. That is why we go through painful things...things we don't expect...because it is all apart of life. As I write I can think of three options for the fall...even though I have yet to receive notification from my California schools.

That aside, I see a comfort zone...a location that is not too far away from my house, my family and my roots. It would be easier...but opportunities would be sparse for several years. Then I see another location...one that only exists in my dreams. One that could potentially have really great connections and opportunities...but is over populated and risky. Then the third possible location is one I thought I would never re-trace over. I know I left it for some reason...but it is calling me ever so quietly. Whispering in my ear. Regardless of what path I decide to take...it will be complicated. It will be hard and it will be a challenge I have to surpass. But I chose this the minute I decided to left. The minute I said to myself...I need time off. I need a break. I did that to myself. I knew I would be making things complicated. And yes...I could just walk off to Los Angeles and by some slight possibility land something big...but I don't want to take my chances just yet without a degree. I told myself and my family a long time ago that I would get a degree. I owe it to myself.

Maybe it all comes down to the fact that I need to realize you can't always be happy. There is always going to be a downfall. But you need to find happiness wherever you may be. "Happiness is a journey not a destination". And "The great opportunity is where you are. Every place is under the stars. Every place is the center of the universe." Right? I just need to look at this with the glass have full. I realize it is kind of hard to see through this when most of my friends are now juniors in college and I am still a second semester sophomore. Blurg. But you can't change the past. You just can't. Maybe I'm afraid to leave my family again...in case something happens. There are so many things I am afraid of. But I can only pray and hope that God will keep a watchful eye on me, the people and the organisms in my life.

Another thing to be learned...the grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side. I thought a semester off would be glorious. I learned from that. It has been great...and not so great...it has been an experience. Life is an experience. Whether it is good or bad...it is an experience. I just need to be sure that I don't go back to a situation I tried to previously escape without fully evaluating the side effects of such a decision.

All that I can do is wake up each day...thank the Lord I am alive and do something with the gifts and body that I have been given. Make a change. Even if it just in one person. A smile. A friendly gesture...extra sprinkles on an ice cream cone at work...anything. I am an instrument. I'm not going to go to waste...I'm going to thrive. Not just survive...thrive.

Wow...that was long.

Happy Mama's Day...I'm going to go give my Momma a hug right now. Peace.

My Current State...

2009-05-08T18:05:00.000-07:00

Perhaps the plans have changed...

The Call.

2009-05-08T13:41:00.000-07:00

It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word

And then that word grew louder and louder
'Til it was a battle cry

I'll come back
When you call me
No need to say goodbye

Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it's never
Been this way before

All you can do is try to know
Who your friends are
As you head off to the war

Pick a star on the dark horizon
And follow the light

You'll come back
When it's over
No need to say good bye

You'll come back
When it's over
No need to say good bye

Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and no one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it too
Doesn't mean that you have to forget

Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
'Til they're before your eyes

You'll come back
When they call you
No need to say good bye

You'll come back
When they call you
No need to say good bye

my milkshake.

2009-05-07T00:19:00.000-07:00

random tid bits.

a. i am convinced that my soul or inner being consists of a giant black gospel choir
b. i eat cereal like no ones business
c. the kid catcher from "chitty chitty bang bang" still haunts me...
d. ice cream is my vice
e. recently i was asked if i was interested in background work in the film "Step Up 3D"...(unfortunately) I was not in New York for the audition
f. i don't know when...i don't know how...but you will see me on the big screen or television someday
g. when no one is home i belt my face off...and dance like no one's business
h. broadway diva frenchie davis is my friend on facebook...we often chat
i. i have this odd fascination with carol channing
j. no matter how hard i try...i can never maintain a tan
k. give me a book and a nice day and i'm happy
l. navy pier is still one of my favorite places in the world
m. i can't workout with other people. pump up the jams and i'm good
n. clay animation freaks my freak out

o. if you don't know what pot psychology is...or who dan savage is...google them now
p. i can do an awesome imitation of Wanda Sykes
q. i have written to Ellen DeGeneres at least 8 times
r. i think everything is over diagnosed and over medicated
s. cheese.
t. whenever i'm down...i blast mika's cd...i know every lyric word for word
u. i am related to royalty by marriage. prince william is my second couzin what what
v. i hope to shoot a film, television show or be in a show abroad someday
w. i have a fascination with australia
x. i want to host my own talk shot like oprah or ellen someday in my career.
y. everyone seems to hate her but i am in love with tyra banks.
z. ain't nothing like skinny dipping in the ocean

I Heart Beyonce.

2009-05-03T12:18:00.001-07:00

Beyonce.
Beyonce.
Beyonce.

That is all I have to say.
I love you.
"Obsessed" was beautiful. You made the movie.
You are so classy, so bootylicious and so talented.
Please make more movies...and please let me be in them with you!

Beyonce.
Beyonce.
Beyonce.

Ryan Gosling is Pretty Pimp.

2009-05-02T22:54:00.000-07:00

Observe. A dear friend sent me this link.

DEAD MAN'S BONES - "NAME IN STONE" from biz3 publicity on Vimeo.

Why Should I Worry?!

2009-05-02T00:05:00.000-07:00

So you know how sometimes you make decisions for yourself. You think you are 100% positively correct. You know the answers...you know where you are going. Well I can't say that I am sticking with my gut. I can't say that I made the right decision. I am sure when I think back to what made me decide what I decided to do it seems like it was the appropriate choice. But now...month after month I am beginning to see the aftermath of my decision. Yes I understand my life is not bad...but it is not particularly good either. Perhaps the hardest part about not being in Chicago anymore is the city, the people and the training. When I think long and hard about Roosevelt...it definately had its ups...but it also had its downs. I guess the only reason I am beginning to mourn my past there is because I can't see my friends there as often as I did. I haven't seen them for five months in fact. That is a long time. And up until now I have been surviving off the fact that I care for them deeply and that they care for me as well. It is just difficult because conservatory life is stressful. Emotionally and physically and even mentally. SO friendships can usually maintain strong if you are physically present. The first four months were successful in my talks with my friends...even if it was a thirty minute skype date...it meant the world to me. But now with the year coming to an end...and facebook pictures being posted I am beginning to reminisce about the great friends I had at Roosevelt and how much it kills me that I can't be there with them.

I have wonderful friends here in Colorado...don't get me wrong. But something about not seeing myself in those pictures with some of my greatest friends really gets me down. So then I begin to freak out and think...did I make a mistake? What the hell am I doing?! Stupid Braden. Stupid. I should have gone in debt and stayed the rest of the semester...get more of the training that I so craved and desired. But then I take a double take and think...no...I can't do it. I know this is happening for a reason right now. I just wish that I felt that the connection with my friends was as strong as it was. I always find it sad when really strong friendships begin to get washed over because of time away from one another. I know that they love me as much as I love them...and I know they are busy. I'm just being stupid...like usual...and worrying too much. But hey you don't worry about the people you don't care for. I care about them so very much. So when I leave a couple messages and don't ever receive a response it kind of hurts. But there are only so many times you can bring this up to your friend before they start getting defensive and annoyed.

I have learned a lot about myself during this time. And sadly my friends in Chicago only seem to hear the negative. But I assure the world...my family and even myself...all things happen for a reason. This is going to lead me to something. To somewhere. I have a passion, I have a drive and I have a dream...time will only tell where I am needed...where I should be. Shoot...maybe I need to go back to Chicago. I don't know. All I can say is that I am feeling rather blurg like right now. But hey...tomorrow is a new day. I work..I'm making money so that I can do something come fall and I am alive...I have to remind myself this constantly. Then I will be okay. But you know what...stress and worry is my enemy. They do not do anything to help me! They don't give me a helping hand...they don't make life easier. I have to rely on what I know and on my faith...for a better future.

It Began at An Early Age...

2009-04-30T21:16:00.000-07:00

I randomly found a short essay I must have written in kindergarten. It was written on a cut out of a giant paper pencil: colored orange, yellow and pink. It is my perspective of my friend: the pencil. You can already to begin to see the crazy Braden inside of little Braden. A Braden who does not write to pencils but talks to them. Below is the extract, written word for word how it is written on the actual paper.

"It was the first day of school and I was getting ready for school. After that we went in the car and drove to school. When we got there, I went in my new classroom. I got my first pencil out, and I sharpened it. After I sharpened it, it came to life. It talked to me and when we were done talking it was time to do our spelling test. When we were done, my pencil said, "I'm dizzy". When we were done with the day he said, "see you tomorrow". The next day he was even meaner. He said, "good morning". Then he shot staples at me. That got me mad, so I went to the bathroom and flushed him down the toilet, and that was the end of him. Now I have a new pencil."

I love finding old papers.

Observe and Report...a drama?

2009-04-29T22:54:00.000-07:00

I have just returned from a 9:40 showing of "Observe and Report". You know the mall cop movie with Seth Rogen and Anna Farris. I am speechless. Speechless or in a coma. Who would think that this film would seduce me into insanity? "Observe and Report" is a mind fuck. I will begin there. From start to finish I was contemplating what made Farris and Rogen take the movie. Not only was it disturbing...creepy flashers with chode like private parts but there was gratuitous sex and violence...that was so oddly executed throughout the movie that it made even me and my friend Ruth cringe. And I've seen some pretty weird things in my time. And I am not sure if you guys are aware...but the new punch line...alcoholic mothers who don't give a flying fuck about their sons. Yup. Hiiilllarrriooouusss! At one moment in the film (roughly an hour and ten minutes in) I felt like I was drowning in bad comedy...so I got up and danced below the screen...I'm not kidding. I danced. (No one was in the theatre). Thank GOD...it would have been so hard to keep the running commentary in.

Throughout the film I couldn't help but verbally assault the screen back. I felt attacked. Rogen is known for his great smile and warm yet edgy characters...he was just a straight up dick in this flick. Farris is always type cast as the ditsy yet sexy blond...and she killed it...maybe over killed it. Many famous faces drifted through the film...but only one individual actually made the movie okay. An unknown actress who played the part of a cinnamon roll/coffee counter girl. She made it okay for me to sit throughout the movie. Who knew I would ever curse Rogen out?! I love that man. I love the Apatow clan in all of its glory. But no...Rogen...you must have been high when you took this film. I am ashamed to have watched 2 hours of nonsense. Luckily it was free. I could have seen "Obsessed". At least "Obsessed" knew what it was...a movie about Beyonce kicking ass and taking names...and getting her baby back. "Observe and Report" was no comedy...it wasn't even a drama...but it was more dramatic than comedic. Alcoholic mothers who "soil themselves", mall cops who trip on ecstasy and heroine and steal merchandise, vomiting make-up girls thrusting in painfully awkward sex...it goes on and on.

I have learned many things from you "Observe and Report". Hollywood needs better writers and stay away from mall cops. Because they will shoot you...just like in "Fight Club". All I can say is thank GOD I know what kind of actor I want to be...and thank God I actually have an understanding of what a decent script is! At least I begin work tomorrow to take my mind off of this catastrophe.

Get This Ball Rolling...

2009-04-29T00:15:00.000-07:00

I guess someone must have heard me screaming in my car last night...cause today was incredible. Last night I was driving home, blasting "World Cafe" on NPR when fear and rage overtook me and just screamed to the top of my lungs, "I AM DONE LIVING LIKE THIS!!!" This was conjured up from my frustrations and conversation with a friend. I was venting about my fears for the future...how no one wants to hire me, how I am stuck...and then today I got a call that took care of this negativity. Lee, my old manager from Ben and Jerry's asked if I could come in to chat for a bit. I had emailed him...practically begging for a job if there was a position open and he could use me as an acception to his "no re-hires" rule. Long story short...this girl filled a position just this week. So my hopes crashed. It is not like my dream is to work at an ice cream store...however right now I need some validation that I am capable of any kind of success...plus I need to start saving for the fall...whether or not I go back to school or decided to move to Los Angeles. Anyhoo...stuff went down at the shop and he called me in today...and just like that I replaced this girl and start work again on Thursday. What is even better...I already have 5 shifts scheduled! I know you probably don't care...if people even read this blog...which I am always surprised at anyway. But the point is...NOW I CAN GET THE BALL ROLLING! No more of this lounging about feeling sorry for myself. Relying on the internet and such to do things for me. Nope...I'm going to get that money...work...and hopefully take a big plunge come fall. Operation L.A. is in commencement. I just could not be happier that I found a job...took long enough. Practically 5 months. WTF!

Common Courtesy.

2009-04-26T23:17:00.000-07:00

This is for all of those people who call themselves "managers" or "owners"...anyone who hires employees at a work place. This is for everyone. As those who read my blog know...I have been on the job hunt for the entire semester. In fact, I probably would not have left school yet if I had known finding a job in Northern Colorado would be so hard. I left school so I could make money. Get a full time job...work my ass off so I could help pay for tuition costs if I decided to return to school in the fall...and to fund my future move to Los Angeles. Instead, thanks to the dying economy and my small surroundings, I fell on my ass. And when I finally thought I had struck gold at Hollister, I was quickly made aware of how I could not work there any longer (long story). This being said, I have had the worst luck finding jobs in Fort Collins, Colorado. Tips for anyone who is thinking about moving here: secure your job first. Seriously...you have to know people to get jobs here. So needless to say the process has been one big bitch. And you know what is not helping...at all...communication. People, people, people. I don't care if you work at Dairy Queen or some high class restaurant. When people leave messages you should return them. If someone says, "We will call you the next day" then you should actually call them the next day...instead of never call. And the thing is...this is common courtesy. Yet practically everywhere I have applied to (the city of Fort Collins...) does not respond or reply to applicants. I find this rude. Not only does it take time and effort to fill out an application but its not like an applicant isn't waiting to hear back from you. They are obviously applying to find a job because they are in dire need of one. So it would only be courteous to the applicant to call them within a decent amount of time. I applied and checked in with every place I applied to (more than 60 locations over a four month period) and I maybe heard back from 1 or 2. I'm not kidding.

I would understand this treatment if I was rude, under-qualified and unprofessional. But I'm not. I'm the very opposite. Therefore, I do not appreciate being treated like I don't deserve a response or feedback when I am applying to a freaking ice cream store or movie theatre. But it goes beyond just jobs...it is everyday living. I send an email (casual or professional) and typically either don't receive a response for days or weeks...or sometimes don't even receive a response at all. This is rude. RUDE PEOPLE. Yes I understand people are busy but somehow have the time to respond to someone else...or watch TV or lounge about. I am sorry but I am just as important as the next person. I am done with this mentality. Whenever someone calls me and leaves a message...I call them back as soon as I can (which is usually never more than an hour unless I don't get reception). One day I decided to Facebook Frenchie Davis, a fairly known Broadway actress. I was not expecting to receive a message...but low and behold the next morning I had a fairly long response from the star. And we continued a conversation for some time...and even became friends on Facebook. And the funny thing is that Frenchie is on a national tour of a Broadway show currently...and she has little time to spare but still was willing to open a conversation with me. But I guess she has a similar mind set to myself. I'm not necessarily a people pleaser...but I do want people to know I care about them and extend as much as I can offer. If I am to ever become a well known actor I am going to open dialogue up to anyone who cares to listen or wants me to listen to them. It just seems to be common courtesy.

Anyhoo...I just have been so put off by looking further for a job because I have been treated poorly. Businesses have either hung up on me (for no reason) or promised to call me in for an interview and then never return my e-mails or phone calls. One job interview required an hour commute on a snowy and windy day... to the mountains...and I didn't even get it in the end. I guess I am pissed and almost feel discriminated against because my brother (who I love...but is not motivated and has no previous job experience landed a job at a nice sushi restaurant in a day). One day. I've been looking for four and a half months. Yes luck is a part of it, but I almost feel like there is something more. I don't understand how some of my friends are so lucky that they land into the jobs they do. Some don't even have to apply for them. I feel that this is unfair. Entirely. Once you have been in my position for so long you would be equally upset. In one way this is excellent practice for the acting world...but I am more used to rejection after auditions and such then I am when it comes to simple jobs at an ice cream store or book store. Come on people...it is ice cream, not rocket science. I have ample experience in communication, talking to people (acting and people skills), customer service, food preparation, etc...and to add to it...I am generally a kind soul. So what is wrong with me then? I would really like to know. I am so done being in this rut...this limbo. I want out. NOW.

Bootyful Bugs.

2009-04-26T12:50:00.000-07:00

Isabella Rossellini may be one of my new favorite people. For these reasons:

Beateous.

It Begins...

2009-04-26T01:28:00.000-07:00

The letters are beginning to trickle in. Not letters from the Pope...letters from colleges. But you probably guessed that. The first and only one I have received so far came from Colorado University-Boulder. Accepted. As a theatre major. Accepted. A word I always like to hear:

A-C-C-E-P-T-E-D

Let me say it again just to annoy you: accepted. For a while I was getting nervous since I had not heard from ANY school. I just envisioned my application sitting in some dumpster...my chances of being enrolled at any university being raped before my eyes. But alas, it begins. While CU Boulder was and still is in a way my last choice, simply because I am trying to get out of Colorado...I am ever so slowly beginning to envision the possibility of being enrolled there. A huge part of me screams, "NO! You moved from Chicago to Boulder, Colorado...where there are no connections?!" And that part of me seems to be ruling over the other part of me which is logical and practical. "If I go to CU Boulder I won't graduate with 100+ thousand dollars of debt. And considering my profession...I do not feel safe signing for so many loans that I can't guarantee will be payed on time".

Obviously I am going to wait til I hear from my top choices: USC and Chapman (Vassar for me is already out of the question...especially since I didn't realize it was Ivy League when I applied there). If I don't get into USC or Chapman I will have to consider two options. Go to CU for the remainder of my education or stay there for a semester and then attempt to transfer to a California school...or just move to California come fall and get a job and enroll at a junior college for the time being. Either way, getting into CU Boulder showed me that I still have the ability to be noticed both as an actor but a student. I got the brains and the talent. Praise Jesus. And CU Boulder is not anything to frown about...it is Public Ivy League...in the top 100 Universities. I'm sure if I ended up there I would turn out a fine actor. Because let's face it...it doesn't matter where you go to college...it is what you make of it, especially when it comes to something like acting. I can't even begin to count the amount of actors who have come from unknown public universities. So that is comforting. Besides one of the major reasons I left Roosevelt was because I couldn't afford it any more. I'm not going to scoff at CU Boulder...I will leave the possibility open...besides it would please my parents...and in the end myself financially. Shoot, Jonah Hill (Superbad) even went to CU.

But I guess I can't really make a decision until the other schools make theirs. So until then I will keep an open mind and hope for the best. Besides, I've got other things to occupy myself for the time being. Like finding a summer job. This is the most important step. Without a job...none of my summer trips I was planning can actually happen. Not to mention I need all the money I can get for tuition and to pay back credit cards, etc. I even applied to Hobby Lobby today...and I did not see one male in sight...not one. Blurg...can I not be an adult? Can I revert to my five year old self and shove Play-Dough up my neighbor's nose? Can I go frolic like Frodo on the jungle gym? Can I just put on neighborhood plays and play doctor? I'm done being a grown up.

I'ma Miss You Golden Lady.

2009-04-26T01:07:00.000-07:00

A Goodie.

2009-04-23T23:21:00.000-07:00

If you don't know him...you should. Dan Savage. Google him. Listen to his Podcasts on iTunes. You have to have an open mind and not be scared of sex talk but this man knows what he is talking about. And oddly enough we have very similiar roots.

Happy Birthday Bill!

2009-04-22T23:05:00.000-07:00

Today (Thursday the 23rd) is William Shakespeare's birthday. THE Bard. THE William Shakespeare. The guy who wrote all of those magnificent and not so magnificent plays. As an actor I am obliged to celebrate his birthday. And celebrate I shall. I will begin the day with an early morning run through the prairies. Those runs...more like speed-walks (because of my bad knee) are so therapeutic for me. My mother always asks if she can come along and I don't want to seem rude but exercise is something I do by myself. It is more than exercise though. It is a time for me and the earth...to just be. To think...to ponder my life. To ponder where I am going. I just blast my iPod and pray sometimes. Sometimes even out loud. My runs are now becoming a daily occurrence..usually three plus miles long. It gets me out into the fresh air and is the perfect way to begin the day. Then this evening, if all goes as planned, I will be watching "This American Life" in theaters with my good friend, Ruth. I don't know if you all listen to the show on the radio...but it makes me cry almost every time I listen to it. It is inspirational and motivational...and based in Chicago. So I can only imagine what it will be like on the big screen! I am sure we will be amongst many peace loving people, teachers and sex starved housewives. At least I can only hope so. We could be the only people in the damn theatre. Either way, I am kind of in the mood for some thinking and heartfelt stories. Bring it on!

There are a lot of things I have to take care of for the summer and fall. Waiting for school is annoying but I won't have to worry about deciding until I find out what schools accept me. Jobs however are consuming my nerves. If I don't get a summer job I will not only be broke but I will be a broken man. I will not be able to do what I want to do in the fall if I don't get a job. I am super close to two jobs. However, one place is not calling me back and the other still isn't sure if they are going to hire an additional individual for summer employment. Until I secure a summer job I will be restless. I am tired of my parents looking at me like I am some loser. I am tired of feeling like a loser. I am ready to get this ball rolling. I am so ready. On the other hand I have realized how much I complain about being home (which to an extent is accurately frustrating me). However I have realized what a comfort it is to know that I go to sleep with my brothers and mother and father. I know where they are. If something happens I am here. And for that I am grateful. Well I don't know where this blog drifted to but HAPPY BIRTHDAY BILL! Hope your birthday is bamfalicious and better than Sasha/Malia's combined....and Sasha Fierces'!

Beauteous.

2009-04-21T13:05:00.000-07:00

A Gaythering Storm from Jane Lynch

Revelation 2.

2009-04-20T23:26:00.000-07:00

It seems to me that my logic shifts roughly every two weeks. One week I'm incredibly happy and the next I want to pack up my life and move to Australia. Such is the mind of a 20 year old. Everything seems so uneasy. Bipolar is not a condition...it is a part of life. It's funny though because my eyes were opened the other day. A complete revelation (kind of). By helping a friend in a semi-not really-but kind of close- situation as myself...I was able to not only give her advice, but also get the advice I needed from an unexpected source: myself.

I guess my biggest thing is finding confidence in myself. Realizing that I am a force to be reckoned with...but also a good guy...a good friend...good son, etc. I pride myself in being multi-dimensional and caring. Even with directors, friends, professors, etc telling me how "talented I am" or how much potential I have...or what not, I always seem to be overcome with a sense of doubt. Doubt in my abilities as an actor or even just in my abilities to be a good friend or family member. But then I realize that doubt can be a good thing. When it gets to the point that it clouds my inhibitions and artistic freedom...then it needs to end. But doubt is good because it is a reality check. It tests me. Forces to be stronger. Forces me to be more competitive and in the end a better performer and individual.

I am slowly but surely realizing that happiness is a journey not a destination. I know that what I truly want more than anything is to work successfully in film, television and stage. Shoot...I wouldn't even mind a chance at modeling just for fun. But these things are not going to happen overnight. I have to continue what I am doing. Life life day in and day out...try my damn hardest...put myself out there...train and continue to nourish my craft and then hopefully I will recieve something in return. Time. Time heals. Time makes and breaks things. In this circumstance I have a feeling time will be my best friend. I do need time. Time to develop as an actor. Time to develop physically...grow into the man I know I want to become. Right now I am in between. The mind of a man...the body of a boy.

I think today helped me tremendously with my current state of mind. Not only was it a spectacular summery spring day...but I was out...living. A couple friends and myself went up to the mountains and bathed in the sun as we hiked, ate Triskets and even layed out on giant boulders that were humbly placed in the river. I event tried crossing the river but ended at the bottom of it. Which... resulted in a half baked phone (no 4/20 pun intended). Speaking of 4/20...I think going to the mountains was the best remedy. I don't care if people smoke pot...however, I care when the city of Fort Collins shuts down an entire street because "Cheba Hut" is having a 4/20 party. Luckily, there were limited douches up amongst the trees and rivers. To me hiking is the best excercise. It doesn't even feel like you are doing a cardio work out...but really you are. For me working out always helps when I visualize a clear ending point...a destination. Such is life. Which is most likely why I have had and continue to occassionally have problems discussing my current state or the future. Because there isn't an exact line or direct path to where I want to be. I see the ending (through my eyes)...now getting to that high point will be one mind fuck of a ride. But the overall point is that whenever I experience such a beautiful day as the one I witnessed today I can't help but think of how lucky I am to be living. Granted I have a light sun burn, feel a little dehydrated and literally fell face forward into a raging river...but I feel refreshed somehow...and not fully content...but a step closer than I was yesterday.

No I haven't heard back from any of the universities yet. And I may not even for another month...but you know what I'm not going to let that get into my way. Whatever happens...acceptance or rejection...I am alive. I am 20. How exciting is that? I have the future in front of me...literally. Unless I am in a tragic accident (God willing that will hopefully not happen) I have a life in front of me. And I'm no baby any more. Even my mother acknowledged this the other night. I am growing up and I need to take the reins once again. If I don't get into USC or Chapman...I'm going to move to Los Angeles in the fall and start working at restaurant and start auditioning. Find an agent...and find the connections. All of the good stuff. At least I would be in the hub of the entertainment industry...and at least I would have a larger pond and therefore larger possibility of obtaining a day time job while I find acting work. I am ready to take chances. To make dreams happen. I'm done driving in the back seat. This is MY LIFE. Shoot...I'm even going to continue working out each day so that one day, hopefully, one day I can even be proud of strutting myself on the beaches of California.

P.S. I had the priviledge of watching "Teeth" the other night. Rent it. Watch it with your girlfriend, your boyfriend, your grandpa...your grandma...shoot even your parents. It is beauteous.

So Good.

2009-04-17T13:26:00.000-07:00

Ice King.

2009-04-17T12:46:00.001-07:00

I am curled up in an exquisitely furry and warm blanket. It is frigid and snowing outside. Again. In April. I made a pact to a friend and myself that I would look at everything in a positive light. Or at least try. Maybe it is the weather that is raining on my parade but I have been in a mighty foul mood lately. A big ice King. I hope things get better. I truly, truly do.

Oh Britney.

2009-04-16T15:16:00.000-07:00

Here is Britney's real voice. Poor lady. I feel bad. Although, she does have a lot of choreography involved. Regardless, I would knock this betch out in a sing off any day.

Antsy.

2009-04-15T23:16:00.000-07:00

I'm lying on my bed. It is 12:17 am. Will and Grace is playing in the background. And somehow I'm not content. As I watch Will and Grace I am overcome with jealousy. To be on that show would be an honor. What an excellent example of comedy, drama and talent all rolled into one. I've begun to become antsy once again. Thank God summer is almost here. I am planning on going out to Los Angeles to see my friend Karissa and see if I even like the place before I make any drastic moves. I want to get a feel of the industry. I want to get the ball rolling NOW. I am praying on my knees that I either get accepted at Chapman or University of Southern California. That would make things easy. If not, I am terrifyied that I will flee to LA as a struggling actor. But even that very thought just excites me. I hope April and May roll by quickly.

Tea Bagging.

2009-04-15T22:20:00.000-07:00

Apparently Republicans are unaware of the term "tea bagging". Rachel Maddow has fun with this.

Poor Weather Man.

2009-04-14T15:21:00.000-07:00

His pain. Our pleasure.

Attention Whore and Jesus People.

2009-04-14T14:27:00.000-07:00

I love Lily Allen. She has her problems...but looks like a saint comared to Le Lohan. Oh Lohan. I feel so sorry for you. I guess you are acting as your publicist as well because you made a fool of yourself at the Los Angeles Lily Allen concert. Watch all of the video. Lindsay stumbles onto the stage several minutes before the video ends. Lily plays it off cool...but you know she is embarrassed and doesn't know what to do. Way to go Lindsay...thanks for making us Americans seem that more idiotic to those Brits!

In other news...I just had the...ahem...privilege of watching the documentary "Jesus Camp". I'm not even going to dwell that much on this subject or film because I was horrified at everything I watched. I myself am a spiritual person. I go to church. But I would never think of seeing what I saw in this film. Watch this film...it will open your eyes and terrify you at the same time.

Blurg.

2009-04-14T02:32:00.000-07:00

Dear Jesus! Help me fall asleep before four a.m. After all, I do want to get up and exercise before I go swimming at 9:30. How come whenever I need to go to bed early...I never can. Maybe it was that sweet tea I had this evening. Maybe it is all of that Easter candy. Regardless, I am frustrated and grumpy. I have searched for tips on insomnia and all of them are completely idiotic and obvious. Yes I know I'm not supposed to chug a Frappucino twenty minutes before I go to sleep. No I can't see a doctor right now. Yes I've tried Sleepy Time tea. Yes I've tried warm milk. Yes I've "centered myself". Blurg. Not to mention the strangest thoughts are popping into my head...making it ten times harder to relax and surrender to my pillow. My career and college. Ugh. Those are the number one thoughts pulsing through my veins as I lay twisting and turning in bed. Waiting for acceptance/rejection letters is tedious on the brain. If I knew where I was going to end up this fall that would make things a lot easier. But I think that fact is just as scary. For one, if I don't end up where I hope I will end up (California or New York) I don't know what I will do. Give up momentarily and just go to CU Boulder? Bite through the pain for three years? I don't think I could do it. And then the future. Acting. IT IS DESTROYING MY BRAIN. Everyday I wake up and I think to myself...why am I here in Colorado? How can I benefit my career? And I know the answer. But I am limited for the time being. It does not help hearing how much Zac Efron is being fawned over or how successful the Hannah Montana movie was. It is sickening. Thanks to Hannah Montana, this is our next generation:

I don't want to wait to make my mark anymore. I want to have a positive effect on this industry. Show some people that I am a force to be reckoned with but a positive and loving individual as well. Show people that you don't have to be a complete skank or tool to make it big.

Damn. My alarm is going off at 7:15...less than four hours from now. Boo. I'm never drinking sweet tea that late again.

Get It Billy Ray Cyrus.

2009-04-13T22:36:00.000-07:00

You are a genius Billy Ray Cyrus. When your wife gave birth to Miley Cyrus you were plotting. "This thing will be the biggest star". And sadly, you are right. You are a genius. You exploit your dollar and in return get back millions. "Hannah Montana the Movie" is #1 at the box office. Wow. Who said a one hit wonder from the 80's can't hit the big time?

In other news I just watched "Late Night with Jimmy Fallon" for the first time. It was unbearably painful. Who in this world thought it would be a good idea to give the guy who laughs at his own jokes his very own late night television show?! I just wanted to step in for him. Not only was his crowd forced to laugh, but he even made fun of his incompetence...not one...not two...but a couple dozen times. What happened to Conan? Why must he go to Los Angeles. Bring him back. Now. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS WORLD?! I must make it in this business so I can do some cleaning up...or something. Sucker punch Miley Cyrus.

I Love This Lady.

2009-04-13T21:53:00.001-07:00

Ditch the cats...marry me?

Susan Boyle on Britain Got Talent
Uploaded by dwarthy

Brunch.

2009-04-12T19:55:00.000-07:00

Later today my family and I attended an Easter "brunch" at a family friend's house. Several things became apparent at this brunch. But amongst these things, perhaps the most striking, was how much I don't like where I am right now in life. Whatsoever. Yes, I am on a journey. I am on a path. A path that is oh so tedious and winding. However, whenever I have to explain to old faces where am I right now in life...I only get depressed. They ask me, "So how have you been?" And then I lie. "I've been great...really good in fact." And then they ask me..."But what are you doing"? And I respond with something along the lines of, "You know just chilling for the time being, trying to find a job. I'm really close to getting a job for the summer. I have been submitting for films and television and such and have been getting a lot of feedback and response, but I'm not in LA or NYC so nothing has come from my submissions. But I'm working on it". And then they look at me like I'm crazy. Like I'm making this up. My tone of voice is made up...sounds very proficient and like I know what I'm doing. When in reality I know that I'm in a rut. A large rut. I keep on telling myself that this is okay. Everyone takes time out of their lives to figure things out. But the truth is, there was never anything I had to figure out. I know where I need to be. And I know I need to get there.

I always hate going over to events like brunches at other people's houses. People want to fill silence with conversation. And just when you think they actually want to hear about you and your life, your stories, your feelings...they either walk away or change the subject. This "brunch" lasted roughly seven hours. Until I broke away. My family is still there as I write. I like these people, they are nice...but for some reason I was rubbed the wrong way today. I can't exactly describe how or why, but I was. People in Fort Collins are used to seeing the very pro-active Braden. The very self determined and self driven International Baccalaureate graduate. The "Thespian of the Year". And now it just seems like I'm playing childish games and waiting to hear from schools I either won't get into or can't afford. What they don't realize...is that amongst this purgatory I find myself in...I am still all of those things...in fact I could not be more hopeful for my dreams than I am right now. I know things take time. But sometimes, in order to jump start the journey, you have to make a change. Take a chance. I don't think anyone believes me when I tell them I am going to settle down in LA or NYC someday. I think they think I'm dreaming. I'm not. I am 100% sure of where I need to end up. I'm just trying to figure out the best way to get there.

It only makes me sad and frustrated when I see people that I like look at me like I'm just an infant. Incapable of doing anything truly. I don't play sports and I'm not your typical macho man, so there is my one big flaw already. I want to be an actor, yet I just left a theatre conservatory so obviously I am delusional if I think I would ever make it as a professional actor. I'm not your typical Brad Pitt figure, so I'm not meant to be in the pictures. All of these things just make me that much more driven. You have no idea. What the hell is stopping me from doing what I want to do? Nothing nor no one. And the thing is, I don't think they really know that. I will not compromise my big dreams and my goals for anything. Which is why being here is slowly killing me. I know this is time for me to re cooperate and re adjust my personal life. But come fall, if I am still here...things are going to change. In a big way. I want to be proud of where I am and what I am doing once again. I want people to come see me in my shows. To be performing again. To study. To learn. Shoot, if it was up to me a month and a half ago I would be on my way to Los Angeles right now. No school, just work and pursuing my acting. But I know this would not fly. And I do want my parents to be proud of me. But I also want them to take me seriously. Every time I tell them of a casting agent calling or emailing me they shrug and ask when I'm going to find a real job.

I don't know when, I don't know how, but I know something's coming. Maybe not this INSTANT but in the future. There are those actors like Debra Messing. Her parents encouraged her acting but said a collegiate background was necessary. And look what became of her. I just have to tell myself the same can come from me. I am capable. I am talented. And I am so eager to be apart of this business. This craft that I so love.

Another reason I was perhaps rubbed the wrong way this evening was listening to the blatant ignorance and judgment of people. Describing how a person's appearance obviously means they are a certain way. If they are chubby they are funny and pathetic at the same time. How apparently you can tell if someone is gay...which I admit is sometimes obvious, but more often not. I don't know. I guess I am a little disappointed. Conservative or even liberal, people can be harsh and ignorant. I would not want anyone to judge me the way that I see people often judge others. Sadly, it happens a lot. But being a victim of this harsh judgment I have become extremely open minded and saddened whenever I see harsh judgments being passed on others besides myself. In the end ultimately you can think whatever the fuck you want about me, but I will still be me and I will still be the only person on this planet who truly knows how I feel at any given moment. I will be the only one who has known all of my secrets, and what I do behind closed doors and who I want to become. You can pass judgment on my appearance, on my voice, on my topics of discussion or even on my hobbies or passions...but in the end, you don't know shit about what I've been through. So go ahead everybody, pass judgment on your friends. On your neighbors. On people you don't even know. But let me ask you one thing...how would you feel if I critiqued every little thing about you without really knowing you? You may have won the Noble Peace Prize but because you have greasy hair or talk higher than a bass I think your pathetic and "gay".

I guess I'm just disappointed in us. In me. In you. Yes, you are allowed to have your opinion. But why must you share it with others in a harsh matter? Why continue to orchestrate hate? This is a serious problem that really upsets me. Intolerance. You preach til the sun rises...you save people, but then you damn them to hell the next day. It just does not add up. In a world filled with negatives, there is so much positive. The same goes for beauty. This world is so beautiful. So why must we focus on bringing each other down...on the ugly facets of humanity? I dunno. Seven hour brunches usually get me thinking.

Awkward.

2009-04-12T12:32:00.001-07:00

Tis the season to be joyous with videos. It is Easter! Enjoy one of the most awkward 4 minute on-air conversations I have ever had the pleasure of watching. Poor, poor lady.